PassionatelyCurious Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 I just started dating someone a little over two weeks ago. She had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for about 17-18yrs. They split up about eight months ago, but they have two children together. So, she still deals with his manipulation and control issues from time to time. Regardless, the relationship between them is 100% done. The chemistry between her and I is amazing. So much in common, can't get enough of each other, talk all the time when not together, and overall, it's great so far. However, while she has introduced me to her best friend, her mother, and everything seems great, she tells me she is scared and that something "is holding her back." She is not dating anyone else, nor am I. She just tells me from time to time that she is scared of committing to a new relationship. At only a couple weeks in, I keep trying to tell her there is no rush. But, we are so into each other that things are moving fast (emotionally, physically, etc.), and she says she wasn't prepared for that. No other person she dated made it past a casual first date, and we've slept together and are building a solid foundation here. I figure her fear is natural after having dealt with an abusive relationship for that long. I'm understanding of the situation, but not sure what I can do to help her beyond giving it time? My mother had been in an abusive relationship with my father, but after he passed away, she is now with an amazing man that treats her better than she ever imagined anyone could. It's very inspirational that she finally found that in her early 60s, at least to me. My girlfriend talked to my mother, and my mother told her the same thing as me - the fear is natural and it's just going to take time, but that in my mother's personal experience, it was well worth the risk. Overall, things seem amazing here so far. Neither her nor I have ever felt like this towards anyone else in the past. So naturally, it is scary to me as well, but I expect that and know time will ease those fears. I'm more excited than anything though. Just not sure what I can do (other than continuing to treat her great and give it time) that might help her stop feeling like something is "wrong with her"? She told me recently she is going to talk to her counselor (who helped her after the abusive relationship) to see if she can give her insight into why she is so afraid, which I'm figuring is going to be the same answer she has already gotten from everyone (giving it time). She keeps telling me she is going to figure out a way to move past it and is determined, so I think we should be fine. Just hoping someone might have some advice or insight into anything else I can do to help her get past the fear and/or realize that it is natural at this point?
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 11 hours ago, Search4twinflame said: . They split up about eight months ago, but they have two children together. the relationship between them is 100% done. It's great you get along and have chemistry. However be very clear that they are not and never will be "100% done". There's kids, there's 18 years, there's a trauma bond, etc. It will be a roller coaster ride for quite a while. Be patient but don't be a therapist or hero.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) 11 hours ago, Search4twinflame said: Just hoping someone might have some advice or insight into anything else I can do to help her get past the fear and/or realize that it is natural at this point? This is really not your job for someone you've dated for 14 days. Part of her fear is probably correctly stemming from the fact that you two seem to be rushing this way too fast. Why have you already met her mom and sister? You two don't know each other, so her reluctance is her common sense kicking in and reminding her that you and she are essentially still strangers to each other at this point. She doesn't need counseling for that. It is normal and healthy to be cautious when you barely know the other person. She honestly sounds like she might be rebounding with you, and is realizing it is not healthy to dive right in. You two would be wise to pump the brakes and take your time getting to know each other. You're over-invested. Edited January 25, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 5
ShyViolet Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her get past her fear. The only think you can and should be doing is: stop moving so fast in this relationship, give her time and do not push things.
Calmandfocused Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 I speak from experience. If you want to help her slow down! Fast forwarding a relationship after 14 days will trigger her fear. You are the object of her fear as it stands. You should be introducing yourself gradually in her life so she can learn to trust you. She’s right to “hold back” after a mere 14 days. She doesn’t know you from Adam. If you try and rush this along don’t be surprised if she runs away from you and fast. The best thing you can do is relax, slow down and avoid putting any pressure on both of you. Get to know each other a bit, there’s no rush.
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) Aww. That’s so sad. I agree with the other people that you should be patient with her. At least a lot more patient than two weeks. You guys seem to be current progressing plenty fast enough. I can somewhat imagine finally get out of a long term, abusive relationship having that newfound freedom mixed with the confusion and wanting to avoid getting back into something else like it. It’s only been eight months and they were together 18 years. That’s crazy. Edited January 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
BaileyB Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) She has not given it enough to time. Eight months out of an 18 year abusive marriage - something is holding her back because her mind is telling her that she is not ready for another serious relationship. It’s good that she is going back to her counsellor, they will have much to talk about because now the healing begins from that experience. If you want to do something for her, slow it down. You may be the most wonderful man in the world, but she is making a huge mistake by jumping from one relationship to another without learning the lessons, healing the hurt, from her previous marriage. The kind thing for you to do would be to let her go... tell her to come back to you after she has had some counselling and she is ready for another relationship. Push this forward now and the odds that this relationship will succeed are much lower than if you gave her some time to do some therapy and stand on her own two feet for a while. Edited January 25, 2021 by BaileyB 3
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) I agree, but I’ll add that you must realize that when she finally does move on that it might not be with you. It sounds very much like it is a rebound because there is very little chance she has totally moved at this point... Edited January 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 I also speak from experience and you need to let her go. Dealing with an abusive past takes years, not 8 months. She has alot of work to do on herself to deprogram what had her remain in an abusive relationship for so long. A year after I left my 15 year marriage I jumped right into another abusive relationship because I had not taken the time to heal and fix myself. I'm not saying you're her 2nd abusive relationship, I am saying she is not equiped to participate to ANY relationship, not even a good one. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) I don’t mean to imply that this is always the case. It may just be a one-off experience where they got entangled with the wrong person. But I want to bring up a possibility, because I have had some friends who have been in abusive relationships(I am using “abuse” very broadly here )... They describe themselves as mostly attracted to that sort of thing even though they do not really want to be on a conscious level. And it may not be the abusive behavior itself but just like characteristics of people that tend to be that way? (Eg. they are attracted to ‘dominant’ men and they see that dominance manifested in controlling behavior or something” It’s almost like they can’t even get into men that treat them 100% well. Like I said, this isn’t always the case with people in abusive rships, but it can be, and I’m sure it’s very confusing Edited January 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
notbroken Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 I was briefly in your shoes. At the end of a brief relationship with a previously abused and troubled woman I just decided I couldn't (and shouldn't have to) pay for another man's sins. She just wasn't ready to date ANYONE - and that included me. She need therapy I was unable and unqualified to give. 1 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) Quote She had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for about 17-18yrs. So, she still deals with his manipulation and control issues from time to time. she tells me she is scared and that something "is holding her back." She just tells me from time to time that she is scared of committing to a new relationship. things are moving fast (emotionally, physically, etc.), and she says she wasn't prepared for that. - these are all red flags and indicative of someone on the rebound. Meaning she is not ready to fall in love with a new guy yet. Quote Just not sure what I can do (other than continuing to treat her great and give it time) that might help her stop feeling like something is "wrong with her"? What you should do is find another woman who is ready for love. There is a high chance this woman will break your heart. Listen to somebody who has lived it: Quote I was briefly in your shoes. At the end of a brief relationship with a previously abused and troubled woman I just decided I couldn't (and shouldn't have to) pay for another man's sins. She just wasn't ready to date ANYONE - and that included me. She need therapy I was unable and unqualified to give. Edited January 25, 2021 by Fletch Lives
Author PassionatelyCurious Posted January 25, 2021 Author Posted January 25, 2021 Thanks for all the feedback here. Definitely some great food for thought. To throw a few things out there to clarify: * She said for the last few years, her and the ex had been like roommates living together, but nothing romantic at all. Even sex was only once every couple months, and he only lasted 1-2mins at best, so imo, really no sex at all, lol. * They tried marriage counseling for six months prior to splitting up. After six months, the counselor flat out told them it couldn't be fixed. Her ex still wanted to fix it, she didn't. Doesn't seem to be any kind of trauma bond there surprisingly. * She spent the last eight months regaining her independence, finding herself again, etc. She seems to be a very progressive and intelligent woman, but that certainly doesn't rule out what many of you suggested that she might not be ready yet still. * Her and I are VERY similar in values, thought processes, etc. With that said, years ago, I got out of a 6.5yr marriage. My marriage had been dead for at least a year prior (but she was pregnant, which made us try to work through it). After we agreed the marriage was irreparable, three months later, I found someone I lasted three years with. I didn't expect it at the time and wasn't sure if I was ready at that time, but it wasn't a rebound by any means. Some people move on faster than others, just not sure for her. * I met her best friend because she was only in town (from out of state) for a couple days. So, it was either meet her now, or not meet her until around May. As far as her mother, it's because she ended up in the hospital and I had to drive her home. Her mom was there to take care of her when I dropped her off, so it wasn't necessarily planned, just happened. --- With all that said, I feel like this could go either way. It could turn out great, or it could turn out that she isn't ready yet. Either way, I know it's going to take patience on my part if I want to try to make it work. And we have been talking with each other about her "triggers" from her ex. This is what I was talking about as far as helping her - ways that her and I can communicate and work together to overcome obstacles like that. No matter who she ends up with, from everything I have researched online, this is something she is going to have to work on eventually regardless of who she ends up with. There's a lot more I'd like to cover here, but hard to address everything while I'm working. I get the whole slowing down thing. It's not like either her nor I are rushing it though. It's just naturally flowing that way. It's scary to both of us, not just her. At the same time, I don't want to pull away and then have her think I don't care, which could potentially be a trigger based on how her ex treated her. That's why this is so hard at this point. Trying to find a balance. And again, I really appreciate all the feedback here. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 Eight months out of an 18-year bad marriage. I don't care if they lived as roommates the odds are she needs more time by herself and alone--without dating. not sure what I can do to help her beyond giving it time? My mother had been in an abusive relationship with my father, but after he passed away, she is now with an amazing man that treats her better than she ever imagined anyone could. It's very inspirational that she finally found that in her early 60s, at least to me. Heads up: it's not your to wait and be nice and understanding and all of that. I dated a woman who hadn't been officially abused but who had been in a string of terrible relationships. She too hit some barrier, had some hesitation, and I got all understanding and all. Well she later dumped me, and she and I had some really direct talks. Turns out, she thought I was the kindest guy she had met in a long time, and her struggle was--yep, you guessed it!--that she wasn't feeling very turned on by me. So she felt stuck. Looking back her ambivalence was pretty obvious. But ... as you say, we had a lot in common, a lot, and we were close. There's another problem with you waiting. One, she might not be turned on by you, even though she likes you to death. Two, if you spend any energy trying to be "kind" and "nice" to her while she decides if she wants to go forward with you, the relationship will become unequal, in her favor. You do NOT want to hold back your demands on her and getting her to help you and listen to you and be giving to you. So easy in your position to get lost in taking care of the other person. A relationship needs to be an equal two-way street of niceness and caretaking. Be aware that there is some male tendency in the culture, to play the "heroic patient healer." No, you don't want her to like you because you are a heroic healer. You want her to like you because you are living your own life! Stay with her if you want, but I wouldn't count on a long-term relationship. Just enjoy her company. The rule of dating is this: either you're ready to date or not. Yes/no. You don't want to wait or to help someone get ready. If they're not ready, best to keep their distance. She may never be ready. And of course, she may simply not be passionately attracted to you, even though she likes you a lot.
BaileyB Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 1 hour ago, Search4twinflame said: She said for the last few years, her and the ex had been like roommates living together, but nothing romantic at all. Even sex was only once every couple months. Her ex still wanted to fix it, she didn't. Doesn't seem to be any kind of trauma bond there surprisingly. *She spent the last eight months regaining her independence, finding herself again, etc. My boyfriend was in what I would call an emotionally abusive marriage for 13 years. According to him, he should have ended it 4-5 years earlier and the sex was very infrequent. She wanted to fix it, he did not. When we met, he had been separated for two years. Something was holding him back too... he told me he wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship and I walked away... He took another year and half on his own before he came back to me... I’m highly doubtful that she has taken the time she needs to deal with the trauma of her marriage. If they have children together, it is even more complicated. Look at it this way - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by slowing it down and giving her some space. If it’s meant to be, it will be. But, moving forward when she is not ready is not going to work. Something to think about - if anyone is trauma bonding here, it is the two of you. Lots of talk about your parent’s abusive marriage and the end of your marriage. You seem to want to be her white knight... be careful here. She needs to do this on her own. Best wishes.
Author PassionatelyCurious Posted January 25, 2021 Author Posted January 25, 2021 31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Eight months out of an 18-year bad marriage. I don't care if they lived as roommates the odds are she needs more time by herself and alone--without dating. not sure what I can do to help her beyond giving it time? My mother had been in an abusive relationship with my father, but after he passed away, she is now with an amazing man that treats her better than she ever imagined anyone could. It's very inspirational that she finally found that in her early 60s, at least to me. Heads up: it's not your to wait and be nice and understanding and all of that. I dated a woman who hadn't been officially abused but who had been in a string of terrible relationships. She too hit some barrier, had some hesitation, and I got all understanding and all. Well she later dumped me, and she and I had some really direct talks. Turns out, she thought I was the kindest guy she had met in a long time, and her struggle was--yep, you guessed it!--that she wasn't feeling very turned on by me. So she felt stuck. Looking back her ambivalence was pretty obvious. But ... as you say, we had a lot in common, a lot, and we were close. There's another problem with you waiting. One, she might not be turned on by you, even though she likes you to death. Two, if you spend any energy trying to be "kind" and "nice" to her while she decides if she wants to go forward with you, the relationship will become unequal, in her favor. You do NOT want to hold back your demands on her and getting her to help you and listen to you and be giving to you. So easy in your position to get lost in taking care of the other person. A relationship needs to be an equal two-way street of niceness and caretaking. Be aware that there is some male tendency in the culture, to play the "heroic patient healer." No, you don't want her to like you because you are a heroic healer. You want her to like you because you are living your own life! Stay with her if you want, but I wouldn't count on a long-term relationship. Just enjoy her company. The rule of dating is this: either you're ready to date or not. Yes/no. You don't want to wait or to help someone get ready. If they're not ready, best to keep their distance. She may never be ready. And of course, she may simply not be passionately attracted to you, even though she likes you a lot. Thanks for the feedback. As far as the physical (and sexual) attraction, that is absolutely there on both ends. She wants me all the time sexually and is always telling me how attracted to me she is. That's no issue at all. Great points as far as not being her caretaker. I am trying to maintain a balance with the communication between her and I and not having to "fix" her, but allow her to heal herself through realizing she can trust me, that this is going to be nothing like her ex (which she has already said on numerous occasions), etc. It has been fairly decent as far as a give and take. I mean I was surprised when she told me she wanted me to meet her best friend. And she has not dated (or even talked to) any other men since we started dating. I've done the same as far as women. The chemistry between us is amazing. I feel more than anything, it's her fear and past traumas holding us back. Hopefully when she gets a chance to talk to the counselor again (the one who she used for the marriage counseling), it will help her make more sense of her fears. I'd cover more, but I just got out of work and headed to the gym. Just wanted to write a quick reply, thank you for your feedback, and definitely make sure to keep this a give and take between her and I. Certainly not with her to "fix" her. I'm with her because we have amazing chemistry. We just have a huge hurdle to overcome. But, I feel like if we can overcome it, it will only make us stronger in the long run. Time will tell, and I'm trying my best to keep myself at least a little emotionally guarded in the meantime. 1
BaileyB Posted January 25, 2021 Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said: As far as the physical (and sexual) attraction, that is absolutely there on both ends. She wants me all the time sexually and is always telling me how attracted to me she is. That's no issue at all. All well and good, it doesn’t mean that she is ready for a serious relationship. It would be the same if this is a rebound. Quote I am trying to maintain a balance with the communication between her and I and not having to "fix" her, but allow her to heal herself through realizing she can trust me, that this is going to be nothing like her ex (which she has already said on numerous occasions), etc. Again, something to consider... when I started dating my boyfriend, we didn’t talk about his ex or his marriage (other than the basics, that he was divorced and they shared custody of their child). I didn’t ask for information because I didn’t feel that it was my place. And, he didn’t share. I didn’t tell him that I was trustworthy, I showed him by being reliable, considerate, kind, compassionate, and loving. It took a long.... time for him to trust me. I could feel it, I could feel his hesitation which is why when he told me that he didn’t feel like he was ready - I was out. He told me after that had we continued dating at that time, it is unlikely that we would be together today. You seem like a very kind and well intended man. You are understandably excited about this new relationship and I hope it works out for you. But, I do feel the pressure - and no doubt, she does too. As was said above, you are moving fast for anyone who has only known a woman for fourteen days... the fact that you are her first relationship after leaving an abusive marriage makes it even more challenging. You have nothing to lose by slowing this down, and potentially everything to gain... good luck. Edited January 25, 2021 by BaileyB 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 You talk about this woman as though you’ve dated for a few years, OP. You two have “a big hurdle to overcome?” My man, you barely know this woman. Keep both feet on the ground here. You’re getting too invested too early. 1
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