Should I contact him?

[notyouraveragebabe]

Hi,

I turn to your feedback and it truly helps me reading everyone's input.

I met someone online 4 weeks ago, (I know very short time). But within 4 weeks we spent a lot of time together. Spoke on the phone for 1-2 hours everyday since we met. Our communication was just great, we spent a lot of time getting to know each other's background. He was a breathe of fresh air, just very good with communication and making plans. Good morning texts when I woke up and talking to me until we fell asleep every night for the past 4 weeks. On his days off he made plans with me. We saw each other 3 times a week even with our busy work schedules. Our work schedules are very different I work 8-5p M-F. He works 1-9:30pm Wed- Mon.  After 4 dates, we decided to date exclusively and delete our dating profiles and focus on each other. He told me he wanted to get to know me and see where it will go.

The disconnect happened when we made plans to hang out Saturday am before he goes into work. He then says just come over Friday night and sleep over. So i got there at 10pm cus he gets off work at 9:30pm and he will leave for work at 12 pm the next day. So when I got there we started a movie and it was late. He cuddled me and "I said hey  I am on my menstrual cycle, I am not in the mood for sex tonight" He then said "wow you didn't have to say it like that" We then just watched the movie and fell asleep. I was kinda hurt he didn't cuddle  that night. Then I woke up at 6am and said "let's finish the movie before you go into work". He said he was going to the gym at 8am. So I was a little annoyed, so I said since you are going to the gym, I will just head home now and it was 6am. So I went home at 6am.

 

I called him later that day and told him I was a little hurt that he didn't want to spend the morning with me before work. He said" I wanted to go to the gym, we didn't make plans to hang out in the am" So I said ok.  I understood and apologized to him for leaving so early. I thought things were fine between us. We got off the phone and said he will talk to me later. The day comes no text from him, no phone call after work. I woke up no good morning text. I haven't heard from him for 24 hours. Which isn't normal for us to not talk. He ALWAYS calls after work and when he wakes up.

 

So should I reach out? We spoke everyday for a month and had the exclusive talk, so now he hasn't reached out since our last phone conversation.

What made him go from talking to me daily to no communication?

Edited January 24, 2021 by notyouraveragebabe

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

What made him go from talking to me daily to no communication?

There's no way to know without asking him and hearing his answer.

However, your first clue was when he said, "Wow, you didn't have to say it like that." That was your clue to find out what he meant by that. There was nothing wrong with what you said but something about it bothered him. It would have helped you out a lot in that situation and also future situations to find out what that something else was. 

The following is just my opinion and may not be applicable.

It would seem to me that not only was he disappointed he wouldn't be able to have sex with you, he may possibly have wanted to have the comfort of you saying something warm and intimate letting him know you desired him, though you weren't feeling up to having sex with him.

He could have found your statement too blunt, also.

He DID say it was the way you said it that bothered him. There are some men who wouldn't have even given you that clue before distancing themselves from you. So he's a communicator.

Maybe you could have said, "I love being close to you and wish it wasn't that time of the month because it would be great to get together tonight. But, I just don't feel up to it."

What that says is to tell him you're on your menstrual cycle but not do it in such clinical terms which may have (not saying it did) sound cold to him. Couple that with telling him you didn't want to have sex because you weren't in the mood, it may have come off like a bucket of cold water to him. Not fun on a date night.

Also, he went to the gym at 8 a.m. How long does he stay there? An hour? That would have left a couple hours for you two to be together before he went to work. You'd have had to wait an hour, though, so not sure what you'd have done. I believe I'd have said something like, "While you're gone would you like me to whip up a little breakfast for us?" Or even have felt him out to see if he would have wanted to see you after being at the gym.

I think it'd be good for you to work on your communication skills.

[LivingWaterPlease]

PS I'm not sure if I'd reach out or not. I'm inclined to say I wouldn't but that's just me. I believe most people WOULD reach out. I just want to be with a guy who's going to be stubborn about our relationship and hang in there no matter what. Your post description, to me, doesn't bode well for a future with this guy.

I believe if he was really into the relationship he'd be calling you, in spite of the above, and would want to work things out with you. He may sense a general incompatibility. Again, though, I don't know.

Edited January 25, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[notyouraveragebabe]

Yes, I think It may have come off abrasive. I do agree with working on my delivery with communication. I have been told that in the past. I called him over the phone and apologized for my delivery. He then said "it was rude" but he was not mad about it. I thought he moved on from it, but I guess he may have been still hurt by my delivery.

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

Yes, I think It may have come off abrasive. I do agree with working on my delivery with communication. I have been told that in the past. I called him over the phone and apologized for my delivery. He then said "it was rude" but he was not mad about it. I thought he moved on from it, but I guess he may have been still hurt by my delivery.

Well, good for you in calling him to apologize for your delivery. I don't agree with him that it was rude, though, if you worded it to him the same as was in your post. It seems OTT to me for him to call it rude.

With most guys, if they're into you I doubt that would cause them not to call you back. He might be just very sensitive and it's also possible there's been other things that bothered him he hadn't reacted to you about but this was the straw that broke the camel's neck.

Listen, almost all of us need to work on our delivery's. I know I do, for sure. I stick my foot in my mouth way too much. When I know I have and there's nothing I can do about it that wouldn't make me look neurotic I just pray that God will smooth things over for me with the other person and just leave it in God's hands. He almost always seems to do so.

It's possible were you to stay in a R with this guy that you'd find yourself beginning to walk on eggshells bc of concern you'll offend him. Seems to me he might be a little thin-skinned. And then maybe he was reared in a way where his parents were very delicate in their communications with each other and that's what he's used to.

Edited January 25, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[notyouraveragebabe]

I don't think he should let that ruin what we had & if hes not feeling us anymore, he should at least say so.

I don't think i should message him, It'll make me look needy and desperate.

Edited January 25, 2021 by notyouraveragebabe

[notyouraveragebabe]

3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Well, good for you in calling him to apologize for your delivery. I don't agree with him that it was rude, though, if you worded it to him the same as was in your post. It seems OTT to me for him to call it rude.

With most guys, if they're into you I doubt that would cause them not to call you back. He might be just very sensitive and it's also possible there's been other things that bothered him he hadn't reacted to you about but this was the straw that broke the camel's neck.

Listen, almost all of us need to work on our delivery's. I know I do, for sure. I stick my foot in my mouth way too much. When I know I have and there's nothing I can do about it that wouldn't make me look neurotic I just pray that God will smooth things over for me with the other person and just leave it in God's hands. He almost always seems to do so.

It's possible were you to stay in a R with this guy that you'd find yourself beginning to walk on eggshells bc of concern you'll offend him.

YES!!!

I think you're right, there may have been other things he was bothered by & this may be the straw and it made him see that we are not really compatible.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 minute ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

I don't think he should let that ruin what we had & if hes not feeling us anymore, he should at least say so.

I don't think i should message him, It'll make me look needy and desperate.

I agree with you on both counts. It was a minor blip on the radar and when a woman is going through that time of the month most guys are generous enough to give her a little leeway in his judgments of her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Just now, notyouraveragebabe said:

YES!!!

I think you're right, there may have been other things he was bothered by & this may be the straw and it made him see that we are not really compatible.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would get that offended by that small of a comment.

[notyouraveragebabe]

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would get that offended by that small of a comment.

Very true! It wasn't a big deal. I apologize and even told him I had really bad menstrual cramps and wasn't feeling well. I felt like we had such a good and healthy relationship before all of this. Our communication was great. I even cooked him lunch before work and he brought me flowers the date before that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

5 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

Very true! It wasn't a big deal. I apologize and even told him I had really bad menstrual cramps and wasn't feeling well. I felt like we had such a good and healthy relationship before all of this. Our communication was great. I even cooked him lunch before work and he brought me flowers the date before that.

So sorry, notaveragebabe. There was something going on with him that he hadn't shared, I'd guess. Guess he's not that great of a communicator after all. At least it's only been a few weeks, rather than months or years, that he ran off.  It's disappointing, for sure, when you think you've found someone who seems just right for you. But, better early than late for the R to end.

Then, again, though, you may end up hearing from him yet. He may just be needing some recovery time.  How long has it been since your last phone conversation?

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Alpacalia]

It's very unfortunate that a wrong remark will destroy a budding relationship. You have called and made peace, I believe you have done all you can do, now I'd give him a bit of time to sail with it. If the interest is still there on his side, and it's genuine, he will eventually reach out.

Edited January 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[notyouraveragebabe]

38 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

So sorry, notaveragebabe. There was something going on with him that he hadn't shared, I'd guess. Guess he's not that great of a communicator after all. At least it's only been a few weeks, rather than months or years, that he ran off.  It's disappointing, for sure, when you think you've found someone who seems just right for you. But, better early than late for the R to end.

Then, again, though, you may end up hearing from him yet. He may just be needing some recovery time.  How long has it been since your last phone conversation?

 

its been since yesterday Saturday afternoon, so 24 hours now.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 minute ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

its been since yesterday Saturday afternoon, so 24 hours now.

That's not much time at all notaveragebabe. While true that his pattern has changed, it's possible he just needs a little space. Men are like that even sometimes when a "misstep" isn't made. Sometimes they just need space.

I definitely would not contact him again.

And you did great by calling and apologizing. You've done very well.

Ball's in his court and if he doesn't call don't beat yourself up because your apology almost erased a very minor blip and there are other reasons he's not following through, in that case. Since he didn't tell you what they may be when you called to apologize if he doesn't call again I'd say you dodged a bullet. This is a way over reaction if that incident is what causes a "break up."

[notyouraveragebabe]

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

That's not much time at all notaveragebabe. While true that his pattern has changed, it's possible he just needs a little space. Men are like that even sometimes when a "misstep" isn't made. Sometimes they just need space.

I definitely would not contact him again.

And you did great by calling and apologizing. You've done very well.

Ball's in his court and if he doesn't call don't beat yourself up because your apology almost erased a very minor blip and there are other reasons he's not following through, in that case. Since he didn't tell you what they may be when you called to apologize if he doesn't call again I'd say you dodged a bullet. This is a way over reaction if that incident is what causes a "break up."

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I was blaming myself for the break up, running everything back in my head. I said I was sorry and I wasn't feeling well, he should have understood not punish me by not talking to me. Seems he was the one with the issue. I definitely will not contact him. Maybe he was not that into me after all.

[LivingWaterPlease]

7 minutes ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I was blaming myself for the break up, running everything back in my head. I said I was sorry and I wasn't feeling well, he should have understood not punish me by not talking to me. Seems he was the one with the issue. I definitely will not contact him. Maybe he was not that into me after all.

To me, he was overreacting not to give you a break for the comment in the first place. Since you made the effort to call and apologize he's especially over reacting. This is not your fault. He's got big issues if that caused him to back off, IMO.

No, don't blame yourself. The problem is his.

Edited January 25, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Lotsgoingon]

Next time someone reacts rudely to a basic and unavoidable bodily process, stop right there. Forget the "I feel hurt." Get up and walk out.

He failed the test of decency right then and there. And then he abandoned you for the gym and the rest. Why in the world would you try to call this guy? You like getting hit in the head by a two-by-four? This guy is rude. 

Dump him and move on. He was looking for sex. When you couldn't have sex, he discarded you. I don't see this matter as complicated and I think his rudeness has nothing--zippo--to do with your "delivery."

He wanted sex. When you said you couldn't, he lost interest. Period. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

 I felt like we had such a good and healthy relationship before all of this. 

Here's the thing, though - at just 4 weeks, it wasn't really a relationship yet. 

You two are very much still getting to know each other. What you see in the first few weeks is only a fraction of who a person truly is, so you can't really assume that the early stage is a reliable indicator of what's to come. Everyone's still caught in the lust at that point so it takes time to understand their character and what they're actually like in a relationship. Maybe this is who he is: a guy who's testy and easily agitated and holds grudges.  

As far declaring what he should or shouldn't do in response to this, "should" doesn't factor into it. We don't get to decide how another person should respond, in other words. We can certainly decide not to accept their behaviour, but we can't expect others to think and act the way we would. You're seeing that you and he are not actually on the same page here and you view these situations through entirely different lenses. This is why it's important not to rush, and to take time to see their lens is compatible with our own. 

I happen to agree that he over-reacted, but you have apologized and explained. I would be thinking twice about continuing with a guy who seems this edgy and punitive.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

I was blaming myself for the break up, running everything back in my head. I said I was sorry and I wasn't feeling well, he should have understood not punish me by not talking to me. Seems he was the one with the issue. I definitely will not contact him. Maybe he was not that into me after all.

There's no reason for you to be apologetic about not feeling well or not being ready to be physically intimate, but I agree with LivingWaterPlease that proper communication will only help with your relationships in the future. He may have been put off by the thought of not having sex, or whatever else, who knows. But if he chooses to punish you for not being ready to be sexually intimate, or to punish you in general, well, that's too bad for him, because that's not the kind of partner you want.

[Miss Spider]

I find people here to be much more ...understanding... to put it gently... than I would ever be. I don’t care what” tone” you said that you were on your cycle and not in the mood, it doesn’t deserve someone you just started dating to say they’d rather go to the gym and than hang out,because you “didn’t make plans” ... this point in the dating is where people are usually the most into each other  and trying to win each other over. At the very least he should have been able to articulate to you that the remarks hurt him, instead of stonewalling you and not cuddling. That’s immature. I don’t think this will improve. Find yourself tolerating a lot worse down the road. Not only should you not reach out to this guy, I think his actions show that he is not the guy for you... 

[Blind-Sided]

He's an adult... right?  Then he knows how a female body works, and that most people don't want to have sex during that time of the month.   To be blunt, and 100% honest... if he is offended by that... he's an idiot.   

I know you are upset, and are hoping it will continue.  But if he acts this way with something that is "Norma", and biological... how is he going to act when you are just having a bad day, and don't want to service him?

From this end of the keyboard... It's a huge red flag... and maybe it's just time to walk away.

With that said... I would not contact him.  If he actually wants a relationship... he will reach out to you. 

[Wiseman2]

Let the dust settle. This is way too much too soon. Step back. You're already having this "I was hurt" relationship talk.(when there was absolutely nothing to be hurt about).... Just disappointed.

Relax, reflect, slow way down and process. It was a wierd evening and mornings.  Stop marathon dating. See each other when it's not this crammed in between work.

The "hurt" speech comes off as manipulative and clingy. If he's busy, just go do something else.

 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[notyouraveragebabe]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the dust settle. This is way too much too soon. Step back. You're already having this "I was hurt" relationship talk.(when there was absolutely nothing to be hurt about).... Just disappointed.

Relax, reflect, slow way down and process. It was a wierd evening and mornings.  Stop marathon dating. See each other when it's not this crammed in between work.

The "hurt" speech comes off as manipulative and clingy. If he's busy, just go do something else.

 

 

I was worried the clingy part turned him off. We just had a good thing going. If he was really into me he should get over it and contact me. If he doesn’t, maybe he wasn’t that into me. 

[SumGuy]

12 hours ago, notyouraveragebabe said:

Yes, I think It may have come off abrasive. I do agree with working on my delivery with communication. I have been told that in the past. I called him over the phone and apologized for my delivery. He then said "it was rude" but he was not mad about it. I thought he moved on from it, but I guess he may have been still hurt by my delivery.

What you said and how you said it was not rude, just a statement of fact.  Seriously he is some snowflake if that hurts him so, and he finds it "rude".   

Don't let him mess with your head and make it be about how you said it.  His reaction was that of a douche bag, no cuddling just because of that?  Guess dating is only about one thing really for him, will he be like this every month or will you have to tip-toe around his ego that time every month.

Also cuddling is not clingy, it is about intimacy, true, non-transactional intimacy.  Now if he is just about sex and you stroking his ego, then intimacy is unwanted and uncomfortable.

Maybe he has no experience with women, it being that time can be very uncomfortable for women (my understanding as a man from being and living with women for decades upon decades).  So instead of being there for you in your time of potential discomfort, he had make it about him and essentially pouts and is all passive-aggressive in the morning.

Not a good sign when 4 weeks should still be the honey moon period.  I'm thinking he showed his true colors, if I was a woman I'd next him in a heartbeat.

[Miss Spider]

If I have learned anything about dating from these forums or from past experiences, it’s that most people will tolerate so much crappy behavior from you they are into you....And if you don’t gaslight them, they will gaslight themselves into believing that your bad behavior is somehow their fault so they can allow themselves to keep putting up with it/seeing you.