Accepting not being an attractive/sexy man

[introverted1]

On 1/24/2021 at 2:19 PM, Merc20HP said:

I guess my main issue with relationships is that I need a lot of alone time. I get wigged out if I’m around people for too long. It’s like I lose myself and can’t think. I need alone time so that I can process the world around me. Women usually have problems with this.

You've had lots of good advice about the physical side of things, so I am going to address the comment above.

I am exactly like this and I will agree that it can be challenging to find partners who are not put off by the need for alone time. It's been an issue in many of my relationships and, when I was younger, I would try to yield to what my partner wanted rather than take what I needed.  This typically resulted in me blowing up over something minor or just generally being out of sorts.  I've learned that I absolutely need a partner who can understand and respect this aspect of my personality.  The same is likely true for you.  These women exist and, I dare say, will also likely be women less focused on your physical appearance (although you sound fine from what I'm reading) and more on who you are.

The other thing I want to emphasize, and maybe it's already been said here (I have not read every post) is that for me and for many people, physical attraction grows with emotional bonding. You definitely don't have to be conventionally handsome (or pretty) to find long-lasting love.  Just look around you at examples of couples who were able to weather whatever life threw at them during their marriages and I doubt you will find that Barbie/Ken looks was the glue that held them together. Attraction is so much more than body parts or facial structure.  

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Dude, you're 6'1 and in good shape according to you. That means that your looks aren't the problem, you are lacking self confidence, and judging by your post it makes total sense. Stop worrying about everyone else around you and just own being you. Everything doesn't need to be a comparison or competition.

I am 6'3 and in good shape just like you (minus the age and divorce part). I got asked out by a woman last night. I get hit on all the time. Did I do anything special? No. Do I look like Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper? No. All I do is be myself, be friendly, kind, compassionate, and do my own thing not trying to compete with everyone around me, just enjoying being me. Women love confidence. Women love authenticity. The real world isn't a beauty contest its a vibe check. Start putting out some positive vibes my man. 

Good points.  It's funny you bring up Ryan G and Bradley Cooper.  This is a perfect example really.  I have met both and let's compare for a second.  Feature for feature, Bradley Cooper is much better looking.  Click on a photo of both right now and you will see that Ryan is actually a little better than average looking whereas Bradley is conventionally handsome.  I can't even tell you that Ryan's charisma and looks and sexiness are in another stratosphere compared to Bradley's.  He's actually thinner not muscular in the conventionally liked way and so Bradley's body objectively is also better.  Again, Ryan is far far far sexier.  Honestly one of the most attractive celebrities I've ever met. I can only think of one or two that are at same level and funny enough, one is short, ie shouldn't be getting attention due to that (theory blown, right?!).  BTW, for reference, my preference as far as looks would actually be the things that Bradley is in terms of hair, face features, coloring and body type so you see when a guy has IT those things often go out of the window.  Mannerisms and body language will tell the story of what a guy thinks of himself and how he is and Ryan is just so much more attractive.

So again it's about confidence, personality, ease with yourself.  That 100% is part of the difference when I think of what is in common among the 3 most attractive famous guys I've met vs the other very handsome and popular ones, widely considered sexy & good looking is that they give a certain basic level of attention to their looks and then are like "f*ck it, this is just me naturally, take it or leave it, i'm not really trying to impress anyone".  I'm going to guess that if you poll guys about which female celebrities or just women in life that they actually find the sexiest, they will be made up of a lot of those same type of women, in their top, top group.  If you really think that a girl has spent hours and hours primping herself, or that she is fake ie plastic surgery, hair extensions and is insecure but false bravado but actually deeply cares about what you think of her looks, she is far less sexy than the girl who JUST IS.  The just is is kind of a self-confidence, a belief and assurance about yourself and is far more attractive.

You can try to separate the objective feature for feature comparison on looks but you can't ever really take away the non-tangible things with regard to confidence, personality, charisma that take you to that next level that REALLY make you a standout--because they are impossible to separate.  (You will never be judged objectively and solely on features if a girl is considering whether or not to date you/sleep with you).  They make you one of a kind and are much more magnetic than let's say the 20% better you can get you looks because you can get 200% better if your confidence, self-worth, charm is on point.  That comes from liking who you are.  Basically knowing NO ONE compares to you and you are unique.  So do the best you can with your looks and then put that on autopilot.  It will be much better than fixating on looks--you don't want to compare yourself.  It indicates to the pool of pool of potential applicants that you think the guys in the room ARE competition.  Act like they aren't and you don't give a F*ck and it's much more attractive. Going back to your example of coming to the table with your coworkers, see how the statements you made and dejected feeling you had backfired and did not convey a good message?  You put yourself as the guy in same pool of candidates and then as that guy who was losing out at that.  Nah, you should have come in there with confidence and steal the limelight with charm.  Totally possible and that other guy would have been like what hit me?  Don't play the victim, play the star 

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Good points.  It's funny you bring up Ryan G and Bradley Cooper.  This is a perfect example really.  I have met both and let's compare for a second.  Feature for feature, Bradley Cooper is much better looking.  Click on a photo of both right now and you will see that Ryan is actually a little better than average looking whereas Bradley is conventionally handsome.  I can't even tell you that Ryan's charisma and looks and sexiness are in another stratosphere compared to Bradley's.  He's actually thinner not muscular in the conventionally liked way and so Bradley's body objectively is also better.  Again, Ryan is far far far sexier.  Honestly one of the most attractive celebrities I've ever met. I can only think of one or two that are at same level and funny enough, one is short, ie shouldn't be getting attention due to that (theory blown, right?!).  BTW, for reference, my preference as far as looks would actually be the things that Bradley is in terms of hair, face features, coloring and body type so you see when a guy has IT those things often go out of the window.  Mannerisms and body language will tell the story of what a guy thinks of himself and how he is and Ryan is just so much more attractive.

So again it's about confidence, personality, ease with yourself.  That 100% is part of the difference when I think of what is in common among the 3 most attractive famous guys I've met vs the other very handsome and popular ones, widely considered sexy & good looking is that they give a certain basic level of attention to their looks and then are like "f*ck it, this is just me naturally, take it or leave it, i'm not really trying to impress anyone".  I'm going to guess that if you poll guys about which female celebrities or just women in life that they actually find the sexiest, they will be made up of a lot of those same type of women, in their top, top group.  If you really think that a girl has spent hours and hours primping herself, or that she is fake ie plastic surgery, hair extensions and is insecure but false bravado but actually deeply cares about what you think of her looks, she is far less sexy than the girl who JUST IS.  The just is is kind of a self-confidence, a belief and assurance about yourself and is far more attractive.

You can try to separate the objective feature for feature comparison on looks but you can't ever really take away the non-tangible things with regard to confidence, personality, charisma that take you to that next level that REALLY make you a standout--because they are impossible to separate.  (You will never be judged objectively and solely on features if a girl is considering whether or not to date you/sleep with you).  They make you one of a kind and are much more magnetic than let's say the 20% better you can get you looks because you can get 200% better if your confidence, self-worth, charm is on point.  That comes from liking who you are.  Basically knowing NO ONE compares to you and you are unique.  So do the best you can with your looks and then put that on autopilot.  It will be much better than fixating on looks--you don't want to compare yourself.  It indicates to the pool of pool of potential applicants that you think the guys in the room ARE competition.  Act like they aren't and you don't give a F*ck and it's much more attractive. Going back to your example of coming to the table with your coworkers, see how the statements you made and dejected feeling you had backfired and did not convey a good message?  You put yourself as the guy in same pool of candidates and then as that guy who was losing out at that.  Nah, you should have come in there with confidence and steal the limelight with charm.  Totally possible and that other guy would have been like what hit me?  Don't play the victim, play the star 

I've met Ryan as well and he was such a down to earth, confident, kind dude that I totally understand his sex appeal. I 100% agree with the 'just is" part of women. Trying too hard to be something you're not is a complete turnoff for me, there is a difference in men and women of people who put THE best foot forward, vs people who put THEIR best foot forward. The former is giving people what you think they want to see, the latter is giving people the raw form of what they are. That's what make women like Emma Watson so attractive IMO, they are just themselves.

Just be yourself everyone. I can find a nice body in every bar, what I can't find is the uniqueness you bring into the world. The scarcity of that uniqueness and the confidence to own it is what makes you attractive. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

On 1/24/2021 at 6:58 AM, Merc20HP said:

...Something embarrassing happened to him where his hair got all messed up. We were joking about it. Then this girl says, "It's okay...you're the only attractive male in this department!" I was right next to them. I jokingly said, "Hey, what the hell. No love for me?" They laughed. Her response was, "I was just trying to make him feel better after what happened."... 

Your bolded response was awful. This fishing for validation from the ladies is a huge turn-off, especially from unattractive people. Work on things you have control over- try to be funny and confident and worry less about what your face looks like. Beauty is a combination of looks, confidence, energy, and personality. Will women ever swoon over you like some hot celebrity? Probably not. Get over it.