Accepting not being an attractive/sexy man

[Merc20HP]

It's taken me a while to come to terms with this. I'm 39...I've been divorced...and I haven't even gone on a date in years. Part of this is because I honestly enjoy being a bachelor. I can do what I want and pursue my own hobbies. But the other part is that I don't have women swooning over me. I'm definitely not ugly. I'm 6'1'' and in good health. While my shoulder frame and general bone structure would be considered thin (as opposed to broad shouldered), I am definitely in good shape. For example I can do several pull-ups. The problem is that I don't have a traditionally masculine jaw bone structure. My face is pretty narrow. I also don't have a nice facial hair pattern. My skin is pretty smooth and I can only grow a goatee if I wanted. A full beard is not an option.

Over the years I've noticed that most of the women who DO show attraction to me usually aren't the type who choose a man for this looks. This sucks to realize. There was a girl at my previous job who had divorced her husband. We obviously had a connection. When she told me about her ex-husband, she said that she "picked him because he has a good heart"--but that she wasn't physically attracted to him. I've heard this many times with women that I form connections and discuss relationships with. It's almost as if they're suggesting, "Well you aren't attractive either, so you are definitely my type."

Another example at work happened just a few weeks ago. This girl who I get along with very well, and even flirt with, was talking to a guy in our department. He is very muscular and is definitely attracts the ladies. Something embarrassing happened to him where his hair got all messed up. We were joking about it. Then this girl says, "It's okay...you're the only attractive male in this department!" I was right next to them. I jokingly said, "Hey, what the hell. No love for me?" They laughed. Her response was, "I was just trying to make him feel better after what happened."

I don't want to be with a woman who isn't physically attracted to me. I want to be desired. Not just for my personality, but physically. I know with women it's more complicated. Whereas men tend to be attracted to women purely physically, I know this is not as common for women. They will be attracted to a man who dresses well, has money/resources, shows an ability to socialize and exert confidence, etc. I understand this. But I just don't want to be that guy who is like my coworker's ex-husband...that got married "because he had a good heart".

I would rather stay single forever than be with a woman who doesn't love my body, my face, and appearance. How do I know if this is the case? How do I know if a girl is just showing interest because I have a good heart or personality...versus her being attracted to my body and wanting to get me in bed?

Thanks for the input.

 

Edited January 24, 2021 by Merc20HP

[Weezy1973]

59 minutes ago, Merc20HP said:

How do I know if this is the case? How do I know if a girl is just showing interest because I have a good heart or personality...versus her being attracted to my body and wanting to get me in bed?

Why does it matter? Different people fall in love for different reasons. 

[Merc20HP]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why does it matter? Different people fall in love for different reasons. 

I'll give you an example of why it matters. There's ANOTHER female coworker I overheard talking about her current husband. They are on the verge of a divorce. She basically said, "He's not even physically attractive...so if we don't have an emotional connection anymore, then what do we have? Nothing!"

This is why it's important to find a woman who is PHYSICALLY attracted to you, not just emotionally. When they don't FEEL a connection, due to the ups and downs that ALL relationships go through, they'll suddenly see you as "average looking" and be more likely to stray with another man.

[Weezy1973]

You’re stuck in fear based thinking. Do you think only objectively good looking people find love and have successful relationships? 

[Versacehottie]

You are too worried about stuff you are NOT....so much so that you are ignoring what you ARE...the positive things...the things you can capitalize on.  You are tall.  A lot of girls won't care that the tall frame is more slender, capitalize on that.  Tall is generally a preference so you have something that biologically tends to be a preference.  I would recommend working out some (unless you hate it and it's totally not your vibe), just because you want to be toned and slender muscled to maximize that look (it works for many basketball players, soccer players, male models, surfers, skateborders, skiers, tennis players, musicians).  You may not want to be an athlete/musician nor are inspired by athletes & musicians yourself--I'm throwing those out there because a lot of the other traits you mentioned sound like you want the conventional, traditional female admiration of which looks/physique are highly valued.  And some of these body types and people are the most in the world. 

Part of why they are is also because entrance in those worlds typically means that female attention follows.  So they will be focused on their skill and becoming best at it or immersed in it without worrying too much about the ladies--and the ladies are more interested.  There's a little part of the magic right there.  Be interested in what you are interested in and be as proficient as you can be.  It's attractive.  If it's business, computer games, whatever.  I think I can tell you are smart because I saw another post or two on other threads, definitely work the smart angle.  Women find a lot sexy which they treat as same as PHYSICAL because it's the same as physical attraction to them, like intelligence, humor.

I think you should work humor a little more.  If you came up to the table like that and had a quick come back, well then wit and thinking on your toes sounds like a strong suit.  But you have to be careful to use it for GOOD not BAD.  I think it sounds like you use it with a chip on your shoulder, a "WHY NOT ME?" whine and that is never attractive.  You don't want to draw attention to the attention you are not getting.  It's completely transparent and repels people usually. 

Then also change what you CAN change.  Your style, grooming, a little flash, the whole package, social knowledge, knowing restaurants, events, fun things to do.  This all draws people to you.  As well as whatever your specific interests are in.  Don't underestimate that the act of being into a girl who is somewhat into her tends to make her more physically into you.  Also expand your circle of where you are looking for attention.  Just utilizing work is not a good one.  Maybe "your people" don't work there; maybe their impression of you is fairly set; for sure it's too small of statistical population to bump into people who find you physically attractive and also are your type,. Good luck

[Merc20HP]

31 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You are too worried about stuff you are NOT....so much so that you are ignoring what you ARE...the positive things...the things you can capitalize on.  You are tall.  A lot of girls won't care that the tall frame is more slender, capitalize on that.  Tall is generally a preference so you have something that biologically tends to be a preference.  I would recommend working out some (unless you hate it and it's totally not your vibe), just because you want to be toned and slender muscled to maximize that look (it works for many basketball players, soccer players, male models, surfers, skateborders, skiers, tennis players, musicians).  You may not want to be an athlete/musician nor are inspired by athletes & musicians yourself--I'm throwing those out there because a lot of the other traits you mentioned sound like you want the conventional, traditional female admiration of which looks/physique are highly valued.  And some of these body types and people are the most in the world. 

Part of why they are is also because entrance in those worlds typically means that female attention follows.  So they will be focused on their skill and becoming best at it or immersed in it without worrying too much about the ladies--and the ladies are more interested.  There's a little part of the magic right there.  Be interested in what you are interested in and be as proficient as you can be.  It's attractive.  If it's business, computer games, whatever.  I think I can tell you are smart because I saw another post or two on other threads, definitely work the smart angle.  Women find a lot sexy which they treat as same as PHYSICAL because it's the same as physical attraction to them, like intelligence, humor.

I think you should work humor a little more.  If you came up to the table like that and had a quick come back, well then wit and thinking on your toes sounds like a strong suit.  But you have to be careful to use it for GOOD not BAD.  I think it sounds like you use it with a chip on your shoulder, a "WHY NOT ME?" whine and that is never attractive.  You don't want to draw attention to the attention you are not getting.  It's completely transparent and repels people usually. 

Then also change what you CAN change.  Your style, grooming, a little flash, the whole package, social knowledge, knowing restaurants, events, fun things to do.  This all draws people to you.  As well as whatever your specific interests are in.  Don't underestimate that the act of being into a girl who is somewhat into her tends to make her more physically into you.  Also expand your circle of where you are looking for attention.  Just utilizing work is not a good one.  Maybe "your people" don't work there; maybe their impression of you is fairly set; for sure it's too small of statistical population to bump into people who find you physically attractive and also are your type,. Good luck

Great post. Yes, I'm tall. I'm not fat. I'm pretty intelligent.

As far as my social life, I tend to be a lone wolf. If I'm not hanging out with my close circle of friends, I'd prefer to be alone with my own hobbies and pursuits. I often go fishing and take my boat out. Not a fancy, ritzy boat...but a small fishing boat that I restored and worked on for like 50 hours. I know that kind of stuff is attractive to women because a girl seemed really interested when I was talking about all the work I put into it. But...again...we are drifting into the area of how women are attracted to what men DO, rather than how they LOOK or who they ARE. This is not what I want.

[elaine567]

If we believe your self assessment of your attractiveness, then why would you expect any woman to place your looks and desirability above all else? 
You have identified you are in the camp of men who attract the "looks don't matter" group of women.
How are you suddenly going to turn into the man every women wants to jump into bed with?
Also
These women are not divorcing these men I guess for their lack of looks, nor would they I guess stay if they were better looking.
They are divorcing them I guess for what they DO or don't DO. Did or didn't DO..

[Weezy1973]

25 minutes ago, Merc20HP said:

 

But...again...we are drifting into the area of how women are attracted to what men DO, rather than how they LOOK or who they ARE. This is not what I want.

What people do IS who they are. What they look like is really irrelevant on every level. Just hitting the genetic lottery is completely meaningless. Some women understand this, some don’t. Most are somewhere in the middle. 
 

Most importantly it doesn’t matter. You’re looking for mutual attraction in a relationship. Why each is attracted to the other doesn’t really make a difference.

[elaine567]

Why are you divorced?

[Merc20HP]

54 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why are you divorced?

I discontinued the relationship with ex-wife due to physical abuse. Not a very popular thing to say but women can be perpetrators. She is the one who filed once I stopped talking. I never cheated on her or laid a finger on her. What I am guilty of is choosing the wrong woman, being emotionally distant, and not giving her the lifestyle she had expected.

Edited January 24, 2021 by Merc20HP

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Merc20HP said:

Great post. Yes, I'm tall. I'm not fat. I'm pretty intelligent.

As far as my social life, I tend to be a lone wolf. If I'm not hanging out with my close circle of friends, I'd prefer to be alone with my own hobbies and pursuits. I often go fishing and take my boat out. Not a fancy, ritzy boat...but a small fishing boat that I restored and worked on for like 50 hours. I know that kind of stuff is attractive to women because a girl seemed really interested when I was talking about all the work I put into it. But...again...we are drifting into the area of how women are attracted to what men DO, rather than how they LOOK or who they ARE. This is not what I want.

But what I'm trying to explain is that for women, our attraction is typically not just physical.  You might think we are responding to a guy because he is good looking physically but the confidence that he projects, the ease he has with himself because he feels good about himself are like a positive cycle that get him more attention from women, that subsequently cause him to feel more confident about himself, and repeats that he will put himself out there more again because he feels confident and is in a positive feedback loop. It's pretty rare to have one without the other.  I have met some of the best looking guys on the planet but if they have no personality, they are not as attractive to women on the whole.  So you should inject some more personality into things because most women don't separate physical attractiveness completely from charm, etc.  And you will reap the benefits of it.  This is one place, I can't see why you would want to nitpick if it nets you the same end result.

Secondly, I'm all into maximizing what you look like physically. The way you speak about it to me now here it sounds like you are a little depressed or hopeless.  My question would be---talking specifically and only about the physical side---what prevents you from doing anything to better yourself in those areas?  You can work out and add some muscle mass (not all girls like the muscle bound look but I'm taking your word on it that you are too skinny); you can do things with your hair, skin, grooming, scent, clothing choices--all that would enhance your physical appeal to women and tip things that way.  I think when you do that you will find the other things important.  But part of that journey is understanding and feeling confident with yourself which you can absolutely start with by dealing with the exterior elements.

I truly hope you are not just on here complaining about how the world is (from your POV mainly) without being willing to do anything about it.  That's an exercise in futility.  If you see a problem or "challenge", do something to change it.  Rise to the challenge; do your best with solutions within your control.  I'm sure you can do better.  Most can.  If you could improve your exterior look, let's say about 20% more, what's stopping you?

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

It's taken me a while to come to terms with this. I'm 39...I've been divorced...and I haven't even gone on a date in years. Part of this is because I honestly enjoy being a bachelor. I can do what I want and pursue my own hobbies. But the other part is that I don't have women swooning over me. I'm definitely not ugly. I'm 6'1'' and in good health. While my shoulder frame and general bone structure would be considered thin (as opposed to broad shouldered), I am definitely in good shape. For example I can do several pull-ups. The problem is that I don't have a traditionally masculine jaw bone structure. My face is pretty narrow. I also don't have a nice facial hair pattern. My skin is pretty smooth and I can only grow a goatee if I wanted. A full beard is not an option.

Over the years I've noticed that most of the women who DO show attraction to me usually aren't the type who choose a man for this looks. This sucks to realize. There was a girl at my previous job who had divorced her husband. We obviously had a connection. When she told me about her ex-husband, she said that she "picked him because he has a good heart"--but that she wasn't physically attracted to him. I've heard this many times with women that I form connections and discuss relationships with. It's almost as if they're suggesting, "Well you aren't attractive either, so you are definitely my type."

Another example at work happened just a few weeks ago. This girl who I get along with very well, and even flirt with, was talking to a guy in our department. He is very muscular and is definitely attracts the ladies. Something embarrassing happened to him where his hair got all messed up. We were joking about it. Then this girl says, "It's okay...you're the only attractive male in this department!" I was right next to them. I jokingly said, "Hey, what the hell. No love for me?" They laughed. Her response was, "I was just trying to make him feel better after what happened."

I don't want to be with a woman who isn't physically attracted to me. I want to be desired. Not just for my personality, but physically. I know with women it's more complicated. Whereas men tend to be attracted to women purely physically, I know this is not as common for women. They will be attracted to a man who dresses well, has money/resources, shows an ability to socialize and exert confidence, etc. I understand this. But I just don't want to be that guy who is like my coworker's ex-husband...that got married "because he had a good heart".

I would rather stay single forever than be with a woman who doesn't love my body, my face, and appearance. How do I know if this is the case? How do I know if a girl is just showing interest because I have a good heart or personality...versus her being attracted to my body and wanting to get me in bed?

Thanks for the input.

 

Man, where to begin...I have a lot of work to do but I cannot bear to not address this post.

You're 6'1'', you've been married previously, you're in relatively good shape.  From this information you're well above average as far as physical traits.  Do you know how many people are shorter, never been married and are overweight?  It's a hell of a lot of men.  Physically I would say you're probably safely in the 60th percentile.  That means there are literally thousands of women that would find you attractive.  You're lamenting the fact that you're not Ryan Gossling or Zac Efron or who else women swoon over?  Is that what you think you need to get a good looking woman?  It's not.  You've got to change your self-talk.

Next, people have their preferences.  That woman at your job has her preference.  You have your preference.  I'm certain that there are women that you don't think are good looking enough for you.  So why do you care ultimately?  Why would you let what she's attracted to take away from you?  What is so special about her?  

Women are attracted to hot guys, but that doesn't mean that they will stay with those guys.  Attraction is one thing, but keeping a woman attracted is another thing.  A hot guy that has no personality, no game will struggle to keep women.  He will get more offers, no doubt about that.  But what good are offers if they can't keep a buyer for very long?

You touched on it too; the physical is not as important to women as it is to guys.  It does matter, but all you have to be with a woman is "attractive enough."  If she can look at you and  say, "hmmmm I guess I would" then you're good enough.  A man who is confident, dresses well and makes her feel good can attact her and keep her.  And the thing is once a woman is attached to you, you're the best looking man in the world to her.  She doesn't even see anyone else, you're her whole world.  I've experienced the love from the woman that put me at the center of her world.  That's why I feel lucky to be a guy.  A woman can think that a man who she initially thought was a 5/10 is the sexiest guy in the world, if that guy's game is strong enough and you have the other qualities that she wants.  I don't think that happens that often when we view women.

I'm 5'5''.  Do you know that there are women that say they won't date anyone under 5'8''?  Do you think I give a frick?  Hell no.  I would say in the last two years I've accepted my insecurities.  Yes there are women that won't be attracted to me, but I can't change that.  There are other women (more than I could ever possibly date) that won't care about my height.  In fact I've attracted women that I've previously thought were "out of my league."  Similarly there are women that won't care that you don't look like the guy at work.  So find those women.  Stop caring so much about women that don't find you attractive.  To me I don't even regard the opinions of those women.  You need to start having more of a cocky attitude.  A confident man who is a 6/10 in a woman's eyes will beat that 9/10 guy with weak game every day of the week.  That guy will get the date first.  The hot guys will always get the first date, but he won't keep her unless his game is on point.  Attracting a woman is yes partly about looks.  She does have to imagine that she could possibly have sex with you for you to have any shot.  But if she can imagine that, all it takes is chemistry and time. 

One last thing, there are women that you would think that are unbelievably hot that have been attracted to you, that they could picture themselves with you (and have pictured themselves having sex with you) but for whatever reason it wasn't possible for it to happen, maybe they were married or already in a relationship, or maybe they were just affected by peer pressure and couldn't put herself in your orbit because her friends would say you're not her "type."  Many women care a great deal about how their friends would view someone they date, so if they think their friends would look down at her for doing it because you're not her type, even if she is attracted to you she won't show interest.  Just hold on to that last thought.  You are highly desired, you just have to realize it and internalize it.

Edited January 24, 2021 by dramafreezone

[endlessabyss]

Have to accept your fate there, buddy.  Most of the things you're insecure about you really can't change - being your phenotypes.  The good thing for you in you're not alone.  Most guys are just average looking at best, and fall nowhere near the stereotypical "attractive" category.  

Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?

So, if you feel like some woman is falling for you you can bet it is something beyond your average looks.  The interesting thing about humans is true attraction can grow outside of the looks category.  Everybody is unique, and has different preferences that go beyond what people standardize as attractive.

I would also stop over analyzing and trying to rationalize everything if I was you.  You have too much time to think.  Get busy.  Life doesn't make any sense, and it is futile to try and rationalize it - especially love/attraction.

The best way going forward is trying to let something form organically, and not looking or forcing something.  Out of all the people I still communicate with not one was out there hunting for a partner - things just happened.

I guess for your age it'll be a little harder, since networks have condensed exponentially, and the majority of your counterparts are still probably married, but it is what it is.

There isn't anything more repulsive then actively seeking somebody out of desperation and fear.  It either happens or it doesn't, and you have to be brave enough to accept that fact.

[Merc20HP]

51 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

But what I'm trying to explain is that for women, our attraction is typically not just physical.  You might think we are responding to a guy because he is good looking physically but the confidence that he projects, the ease he has with himself because he feels good about himself are like a positive cycle that get him more attention from women, that subsequently cause him to feel more confident about himself, and repeats that he will put himself out there more again because he feels confident and is in a positive feedback loop. It's pretty rare to have one without the other.  I have met some of the best looking guys on the planet but if they have no personality, they are not as attractive to women on the whole.  So you should inject some more personality into things because most women don't separate physical attractiveness completely from charm, etc.  And you will reap the benefits of it.  This is one place, I can't see why you would want to nitpick if it nets you the same end result.

Secondly, I'm all into maximizing what you look like physically. The way you speak about it to me now here it sounds like you are a little depressed or hopeless.  My question would be---talking specifically and only about the physical side---what prevents you from doing anything to better yourself in those areas?  You can work out and add some muscle mass (not all girls like the muscle bound look but I'm taking your word on it that you are too skinny); you can do things with your hair, skin, grooming, scent, clothing choices--all that would enhance your physical appeal to women and tip things that way.  I think when you do that you will find the other things important.  But part of that journey is understanding and feeling confident with yourself which you can absolutely start with by dealing with the exterior elements.

I truly hope you are not just on here complaining about how the world is (from your POV mainly) without being willing to do anything about it.  That's an exercise in futility.  If you see a problem or "challenge", do something to change it.  Rise to the challenge; do your best with solutions within your control.  I'm sure you can do better.  Most can.  If you could improve your exterior look, let's say about 20% more, what's stopping you?

I guess I’m just realizing how differently women think. In a way it seems unfair because a woman is judged based on who she IS (and how she looks) while a man is judged by what he DOES. Women are human beings, men are human doings. You’ll see women who are naturally gorgeous with no personality at all, they’ll find a man easy, even a doctor. Men have to continuously prove themselves, each day.

I am improving myself. I’m not skinny. I’d say thin. I’ve started working out again. I guess my main issue with relationships is that I need a lot of alone time. I get wigged out if I’m around people for too long. It’s like I lose myself and can’t think. I need alone time so that I can process the world around me. Women usually have problems with this. So maybe it’s my CHOICE that I’m single, rather than it being the case that women aren’t attracted to me.

 

 

 

[dramafreezone]

15 minutes ago, Merc20HP said:

I guess I’m just realizing how differently women think. In a way it seems unfair because a woman is judged based on who she IS (and how she looks) while a man is judged by what he DOES. Women are human beings, men are human doings. You’ll see women who are naturally gorgeous with no personality at all, they’ll find a man easy, even a doctor. Men have to continuously prove themselves, each day.

I am improving myself. I’m not skinny. I’d say thin. I’ve started working out again. I guess my main issue with relationships is that I need a lot of alone time. I get wigged out if I’m around people for too long. It’s like I lose myself and can’t think. I need alone time so that I can process the world around me. Women usually have problems with this. So maybe it’s my CHOICE that I’m single, rather than it being the case that women aren’t attracted to me.

 

 

 

Maybe don't think of it as a chore, that you have to prove yourself to the woman or anyone else.  Rather view it as a constant journey for self-improvement.  That drive is attractive to women as well, but as a byproduct.  This idea where you feel that you have to prove something to them is not attractive.  It definitely matters why you're doing something.

Say you're on a date and you say that you work out.  She asks why do you work out so much and you say that you do it so that women will go out with you.  Not saying that someone would actually say something like that point blank, but that's an example of reasoning that's not attractive.  On the other hand if you say you do it because you want to remain healthy and because you love yourself, that's infinitely more attractive.  Even if you don't believe it at the time, act as if you do.  And there are many women that won't care if you're introverted.  I'm introverted, and you know who find introverts attractive?  Extroverts.  Most of my girlfriends have been extroverted.  We got along fine.

Be into self-improvement, self-worth, put yourself out there and the law of attraction will give you ample opportunities to meet attractive women who also find you attractive.  Don't waste another second wishing that things were different than the way they are, and adapt to reality.

Edited January 24, 2021 by dramafreezone

[smackie9]

I disagree with what you think, or have heard. Women are attracted to men physically, but it's different compared to what is attractive to men. Women think and make decisions with their emotions. Key things that women can look for is hands, eyes, posture, confidence, shoulders, shoes, etc. All these things play on us emotionally. A type? yes there are some that go for a type, like big and hairy, or tattoos or older, younger, fit, chunky, tall and lanky, etc. It's a varied preference and is complex. BUT that is what gets a man's foot in the door. How you talk to us intellectually, your body language, how attentive you are, your vibe, confidence, how you carry yourself,  plays an even bigger role on what attracts us.

I myself have dated/found attractive are short, fat, skinny, tall, what other would call unattractive, average to absolutely gorgeous, rich, poor. So don't think for a minute there isn't a woman out there that isn't interested in dating you. TIP: One thing the majority of women expect, is a man to take the lead, step up with confident to ask them out. It may no get  you a yes, but we do feel flattered all the same whether we find you attractive or not.

Edited January 24, 2021 by smackie9

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

.I've been divorced.

Well, at least one woman found you attractive enough to marry you. Why are you complaining?

6 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

When she told me about her ex-husband, she said that she "picked him because he has a good heart"--but that she wasn't physically attracted to him. I've heard this many times with women that I form connections and discuss relationships with. It's almost as if they're suggesting, "Well you aren't attractive either, so you are definitely my type."

Why do you automatically assume that she was talking about you? You are projecting here. Doubt these women are talking about you, you are assuming that they are talking about you. Unless all of them told you that they don't find YOU  and only YOU attractive, you are twisting their words.

 

6 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

This girl who I get along with very well, and even flirt with, was talking to a guy in our department. He is very muscular and is definitely attracts the ladies. Something embarrassing happened to him where his hair got all messed up. We were joking about it. Then this girl says, "It's okay...you're the only attractive male in this department!" I was right next to them. I jokingly said, "Hey, what the hell. No love for me?" They laughed. Her response was, "I was just trying to make him feel better after what happened."

Seriously, what is a big deal here? Don't get it. I don't see how this had anything to do with you or your level of attractiveness at all.

I think you are very sensitive to how other people, women in particular, perceive you. Even if a woman was talking about a pole or a drawer or a pencil or anything at all, you still would think she was talking about your looks. Why are you twisting words and assuming the worst? So what if a woman or two doesn't find you attractive. There are plenty of other women who I am sure would love to date you. I was like that in my early 20th actually. I cared a lot abut how others saw me.  but learned along the way that not everything is about me or my looks. But I sleeked therapy and it helped me a lot.

Edited January 24, 2021 by Alvi

[Perdu]

I think you are oversimplyfing attraction.

Of course  looks matter, probably most of us will  first  notice the tallest, more athletic, most muscular & squared jaw  guy in the room, because we are biologically programmed to, but that doesn't mean that he'll be to us anything more than eye candy.

First of all, you are forgetting that we are not all alike, we are different persons and if guys can find attractive different types of woman (think of body shape, for one), that's sure available for women as well. 

Second of all, a lot of people are attracted to quirks or things that you don't usually find in poster boys/poster girls or are attracted to small things as their smile, the look in their eye, the sound of their voice and so one.

Third of all and most important, I think you are either underestimating or sabotaging yourself. More than a squared jaw, confidence is VERY attractive. You are in good shape, good health, you are tall (for  most women on this planet) and you are saying that you are intelligent. That is a very good start, I'd say. You'll just have to start seeing yourself as an attractive guy and the rest will take notice .

On the other hand, being an introvert and considering the fact that you'v been through an abusive relationship, if you are being perceived as unnatractive in several situations, maybe it's a form of self sabbotage. If you don't really seek out the company of a woman (due to all sorts of reasons), projecting (consciously or not) an unattractive image of yourself can be the best way to keep the ladies away. 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

I'll give you an example of why it matters. There's ANOTHER female coworker I overheard talking about her current husband. They are on the verge of a divorce. She basically said, "He's not even physically attractive...so if we don't have an emotional connection anymore, then what do we have? Nothing!"

This is why it's important to find a woman who is PHYSICALLY attracted to you, not just emotionally. When they don't FEEL a connection, due to the ups and downs that ALL relationships go through, they'll suddenly see you as "average looking" and be more likely to stray with another man.

ho do you measure physical attraction?

 

at this point in your life you want someone who shares the same interests as you are comparable with.  Attraction come from knowing the person.

[healing light]

I haven't read through this whole thread, but what you are assuming is that the media's definition of attractive is what all women are sexually attracted to. We can't even take a superstar and have everyone agree that this person is their cup of tea physically. Stop defining yourself from this fictitious standard as if one-size-fits-all. 

As it is, you listed several qualities that many people associate with desirability--tall, good skin, lean, healthy, etc. Personally, I dislike facial hair and feel only some men can pull it off, so that you can't muster up more than peach fuzz would mean nothing to me. 

Conversely, you could take someone who checked off all the physical boxes and if their personality sucks, it will never translate into sexual attraction for me. Does every woman you're attracted to have stunning looks? Do you only ever fall in love with your partners because of their looks, their personality has nothing to do with it? I would guess probably not, you probably have dated women who had some features that did it for you and that combined with other traits culminated into their sexual appeal.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

I'm 39...I've been divorced...and I haven't even gone on a date in years. Part of this is because I honestly enjoy being a bachelor. I can do what I want and pursue my own hobbies

Date  casually. You seem a bit obsessed with appearances.

[chillii]

l can never believe the such stock standard lines and expectations , descriptions, the so called attractive pressures and none stop talk around here, attitudes. lt's like wherever everyone is  , obviously 99% of the population there must have movie star looks , think money is what gets the girl , or the guy to for that matter, and if your in the 1% that don't your screwed, or in this case unscrewed. ls all this talk even reality , even close to  real. Well l must live in the wrong country and area if it is there wherever all the there's are around here with everyone talking like that.

Reality is exactly the opposite , 10% or not even 10 l'd say , women or men , have all these perfections and money and looks, the other 90 and just people, especially getting into 40s n up . Couples , singles , of every shape and description and poss combo you could think of , just people.  just look down any street at any 100 or 100 couples said it 50 times, especially couples.  OP , unless you still expect a movie star model lookin woman regardless, l really as always just can't see the problem. Some guys round here and some women for that matter do , and you see right there no wonder they aren't having any luck bc they aren't that themselves yet they expect her or him to be super models.

ps another thing l notice especially with the guys , is they all seem disappointed just bc women aren't throwing themselves at their feet  well ahh, all l can say is women must be pretty forward there - wherever there is . Because l rarely see women acting like that anywhere mist have a bit more class than that.

Edited January 24, 2021 by chillii

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

Great post. Yes, I'm tall. I'm not fat. I'm pretty intelligent.

As far as my social life, I tend to be a lone wolf. If I'm not hanging out with my close circle of friends, I'd prefer to be alone with my own hobbies and pursuits. I often go fishing and take my boat out. Not a fancy, ritzy boat...but a small fishing boat that I restored and worked on for like 50 hours. I know that kind of stuff is attractive to women because a girl seemed really interested when I was talking about all the work I put into it. But...again...we are drifting into the area of how women are attracted to what men DO, rather than how they LOOK or who they ARE. This is not what I want.

Thanks.  

Well great, capitalize on your size.  Statistically, that is in your favor.  especially if we are talking basic entry fee, lol.  Meaning you will get that first hit of attention perhaps easier than a shorter guy.  But all guys need to have something to back it up--no matter how they get in the door.  I'm not really talking about the inequities in the world--we can talk about that ad nauseam it's not going to help you.  Also I'm going to assume you don't want a girl dim-witted enough to just like a guy for his looks and never moves on once she knows there's nothing else there; I'm assuming you want what your marketability can get or better--like most normal people.  And want to find someone nice to look at on the outside and redeeming/good qualities on the inside.  And apparently can put up with your lone wolf stuff lol.

I'm about stats when I have them, so I'm going to tell you that you might be able to get away with the lone wolf stuff once you are dating a girlfriend (and even then I agree, depending on who you pick maybe, maybe not) BUT guys that do better with women statistically don't operate alone.  You don't need to manufacture fake best friends, but I would definitely encourage you to do some socializing in groups, including groups of guys. It might seem like hanging out with a group of guys is a waste of time in your mind but people are generally drawn more to those that hang out in groups AND for you, it increase your social circle.  If I'm looking at what you've told us so far, it sounds like you work and have been married and do you lone wolf stuff, including solo fishing.  IMO, you aren't exposing yourself to enough people to know whether or not you get much attention.  Like you pool of those who cross your path is relatively small.  I'll also take a stab at the guess that if you fish regularly, you must live somewhere where that would be convenient, like in a more suburban or rural area vs a city--again, that decreases the people crossing your circle.  Not saying this to discourage you, only to make you see that how you've spent your time (coupled up, doing solo activities and perhaps in a low population density area) have all contributed to you not having enough chances to fully feel what your attraction to other women is.  Maybe right now you are in a low place and don't know how to begin.  Especially if you live in a suburban or rural area, it may feel like your life is drastically different than any another single person around you and that you need to have these looks on point.  I would just say that most single women--if you do live in an area like that--are in a similar situation.  So open your mind to the options you could do to meet people and TEST your attractiveness.

And again women won't really separate it.  Among the first questions you would be asked or must be listed on a OLD profile ask what you do, what are you about.  In part because women really do care about that stuff (perhaps too much but that's another subject). Do you have nice hair, facial features, teeth?  I get that you sound frustrated but the world is not going to change.  Pure and simple the initial impression you make is on looks, like you are noticing.  It's a foot in the door, that's all.  Let's assume you want to make a better first impression.  Ok, what are you going to do in the areas that pertain to looks?  Happy to advise here but you need to be willing to want to do it, rather than complain about it (maybe you are just getting started and haven't said yet, but spit out some tangible details you are willing to work on about looks).  I can tell you until I'm blue in the face that the other stuff matters (and that you can probably improve in internal areas as well) but I understand you are talking about external and I'm sure you can improve there too & I agree it's valuable to do so (for ANYONE!)

Edited January 24, 2021 by Versacehottie

[snowboy91]

Based on your description of yourself, your height and build are something I feel a lot of women would be attracted to. You do need to always keep in mind that there is no such thing as completely objective attractiveness - while there is a small subset of men and/or women who a lot of people consider "hot", most others are different levels of attractive to different people. Case in point - I could ask something as simple as whether people prefer blondes, brunettes or redheads and I could get a variety of answers. So, by the same logic, I could ask 100 women to rate your looks and get completely different answers, so the trick is to go out and find that subset that rates you highly.

What are your grooming and/or dress habits like? You will be surprised what a wardrobe update and a trip to a quality barber can do for your appearance. Your choice of clothing is akin to a canvas - you want to use that to present yourself in the "best" way possible that sort of showcases who you are, in a way. 

Also keep in mind that attraction is just as much about personality as it is about looks. It's often said that women have to get to know the guy before she can feel attracted to him, but it can work the same way for guys too (ever thought a woman was incredibly attractive, but then you were turned off after meeting them because they were just... horrible?) There is also an expectation that women shouldn't do the chasing or outwardly express their attraction toward guys, so with those two points you can start to see how someone who likes to operate in a "lone wolf" sort of mode is probably going to miss a lot of potential partners.

In other words, there are potentially a lot of women out there that either find you attractive or will do so when they get to know you, which you just don't know about.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Merc20HP said:

I guess I’m just realizing how differently women think. In a way it seems unfair because a woman is judged based on who she IS (and how she looks) while a man is judged by what he DOES. Women are human beings, men are human doings. You’ll see women who are naturally gorgeous with no personality at all, they’ll find a man easy, even a doctor. Men have to continuously prove themselves, each day.

Eh, I don't think you are giving the human race enough credit.  I would agree with you that women who are gorgeous/pretty have it easier to get and stay in the door (but even still they have to back it up typically because their beauty is a moving target...and if you've ever been around women who are solely or primarily trade on their looks, they are quite desperate sometimes to hang onto them & drive guys away often.  Because it's purely a transactional relationship.  Sure are guys who are good looking going to shoot (and likely get) the best looking girls they can, of course! Same with women who are good looking--they will shoot for most attractive guy to them.  IMO, there are a lot more beautiful women (pool of beautiful women is greater) and we have a lot more in our bag of tricks so it's not without a whole 'other set of problems.   I think it all filters out as good as it can and people, male/female seek the BEST they can get, meaning a well-rounded BEST.  (Best occupation, lifestyles, looks, personality, etc).  Often people get tied up for a while with a gorgeous but soulless one but those don't usually last, certainly not happily.

So women might have it easier but they are mostly judge on looks which they can't hang onto forever.  And men are mostly judged on career/status/financial which usually keeps progressing positively throughout their lives.  It doesn't go in reverse like women's--so who exactly has it easier? Lol, I honestly think it's a waste of time to worry about this stuff.  It's generally society and culture and not going to change much in your lifetime.  Humans are as they are.  People generally have a level (though you can improve it or lose it).  Whining that it's unfair, just actually makes you as an individual less attractive--oh yeah, except to those girls who find the "system" or culture unfair to them and yes you've got it, they are typically less pretty than the ones it's "fair" to.  So then you are right back where I think you said/started that the girls who are into you, you don't find pretty.  So stop complaining that it's not fair and make yourself better looking or better doing or preferably BOTH.  

I would argue that women have to prove themselves every day in so many ways so I don't think you really want to go there. Keep the focus on yourself and your specifics and you will get valuable feedback. Arguing about the nature of the world and things being unfair is going to get you nowhere.

Is it possible that you are feeling really down as a result of your divorce and being lost as to the next step and having to start over as far as dating?  Sometimes I think when people are complaining about immovable things they aren't really ready to do the work on themselves. They might be overwhelmed or in a bad place personally. (some people just like to complain lol--which I didn't really get that impression from you but I don't have a ton to go on yet).