My 13 year-old daughter attempted suicide and has suicidal thoughts - I am looking for a place to discuss

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

Hello,

This is my first post though I am a long time reader of these forums.

Two weeks ago my 13 year-old daughter attempted suicide and was in the hospital for 2 days.

We are getting support and she is seeing a psychologist.

We have also been calling a suicide prevention centre hotline and they are VERY helpful.

However this has led to us finding out that she has daily thoughts of suicide and has thought through some ways to go through with it.

She is very collaborative and we have a lot of resources and ideas to help her.

However I am having trouble at times dealing with all of this and would like to discuss it with other parents (or guardians, tutors, etc) in this situation.

Hopefully I am posting in the right place!

Thanks

[littleblackheart]

Hi NeverWithoutMyKids,

Though I'm not in this situation, I'm a parent and can't imagine what you must be going through.

It must have taken a lot of strength opening up about such a difficult subject for you. 

While your daughter seems to be in good hands, what steps are you doing to take care of your own mental health? Are you also seen by a psychologist? 

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

1 hour ago, littleblackheart said:

Hi NeverWithoutMyKids,

Though I'm not in this situation, I'm a parent and can't imagine what you must be going through.

It must have taken a lot of strength opening up about such a difficult subject for you. 

While your daughter seems to be in good hands, what steps are you doing to take care of your own mental health? Are you also seen by a psychologist? 

Yes, thanks it took courage and I do need help as well. I am well supported and do have a therapist.

I just have so many questions I want to be able to openly discuss with others in similar situations. I can't find discussion groups for this type of parenting questions and thought to try my luck here.

Thanks for answering

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry NeverWithoutM. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I can imagine, though, that you're thankful you have some warning about what's going on and that there are resources to deal with it.

At her age it's probable that the changing of her hormones is making it more difficult to deal with life. I'm not suggesting it's a hormonal issue but rather that could be contributing to it. I'd talk with a Dr. about this possibility and see if there's anything that can be done about it. Is she by any chance overweight? I mention that because it could indicate issues with her thyroid. If she's hypothyroid that could cause depression.

Some other contributing factors could be social media, not getting enough sleep, needing proper nutrition (vitamins and minerals and staying away from sugar which is a major contributor to depression). Other things are getting enough sunshine and exercise. A consistent lifestyle of good habits will do wonders for a person's outlook on life!

Something you can do along with everything else is to pray for her. I can tell a huge difference in the people who are on my daily prayer list when I slack off of praying for them. And when I pray for them daily they seem to thrive!  This also will help you as will reading the Bible. It is a source of stability and encouragment.

Edited January 24, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

11 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm so sorry NeverWithoutM. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I can imagine, though, that you're thankful you have some warning about what's going on and that there are resources to deal with it.

At her age it's probable that the changing of her hormones is making it more difficult to deal with life. I'm not suggesting it's a hormonal issue but rather that could be contributing to it. I'd talk with a Dr. about this possibility and see if there's anything that can be done about it. Is she by any chance overweight? I mention that because it could indicate issues with her thyroid. If she's hypothyroid that could cause depression.

Some other contributing factors could be social media, not getting enough sleep, needing proper nutrition (vitamins and minerals and staying away from sugar which is a major contributor to depression). Other things are getting enough sunshine and exercise. A consistent lifestyle of good habits will do wonders for a person's outlook on life!

Something you can do along with everything else is to pray for her. I can tell a huge difference in the people who are on my daily prayer list when I slack off of praying for them. And when I pray for them daily they seem to thrive!  This also will help you as will reading the Bible. It is a source of stability and encouragment.

Thanks!

Those are all very helpful!

We have seen a pediatrician and done some blood work and waiting on that.

She says the suicidal thoughts started this summer, and she has changed a lot physicially, she also got her period around that time.

About the social media, we had cut down on screen time a lot because she has been having trouble for a long time (oppositional behavior, yelling etc) but because she did contact a friend when she attempted suicide, her friend and their mom called the police who called the ambulance (she was not with me at the time, she was at her dad's), now we allow her to have her ipod at all times so she can call or text with suicide prevention apps whenever needed.

She has great trouble sleeping so we have been trying to find solutions for that and yes about health supplements, we thought of it and though we keep forgetting to have her take them.

And yes praying, she has a prayer book she keeps in her bed now and my husband and I have been praying.

It all just feels so little compared to the big risk of her hurting herself again, and I feel helpless at times, so I forget all those "little" things that can actually make a huge difference!

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

11 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm so sorry NeverWithoutM. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I can imagine, though, that you're thankful you have some warning about what's going on and that there are resources to deal with it.

At her age it's probable that the changing of her hormones is making it more difficult to deal with life. I'm not suggesting it's a hormonal issue but rather that could be contributing to it. I'd talk with a Dr. about this possibility and see if there's anything that can be done about it. Is she by any chance overweight? I mention that because it could indicate issues with her thyroid. If she's hypothyroid that could cause depression.

Some other contributing factors could be social media, not getting enough sleep, needing proper nutrition (vitamins and minerals and staying away from sugar which is a major contributor to depression). Other things are getting enough sunshine and exercise. A consistent lifestyle of good habits will do wonders for a person's outlook on life!

Something you can do along with everything else is to pray for her. I can tell a huge difference in the people who are on my daily prayer list when I slack off of praying for them. And when I pray for them daily they seem to thrive!  This also will help you as will reading the Bible. It is a source of stability and encouragment.

Can I ask you to pray for her/us? Thanks for all your suggestions!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, NeverWithoutMyKids said:

Can I ask you to pray for her/us?

I am praying for you and your beautiful daughter. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you all.

It’s good to hear that you are surrounded by support. I pray that things stabilize for you soon. 

[lana-banana]

Welcome to the boards - I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. You sound like an outstanding parent and your daughter is in the best possible hands. It's so hard to be young, especially these days, and the pandemic has made it even harder still.

One aspect of suicide that's not always discussed is how it tends to be contagious. Following an incident, close friends and family members are at a high risk for suicide themselves. It sounds like she really struggled after what happened to her friend.

One of the most important things you can do right now is probably what the psychologist is already doing: reminding her that no feeling is forever, and that even the most awful and intense pains won't last. Self-soothing, the ability to distract herself, knowing to call you or her dad or someone else she trusts when she's overwhelmed - that will help her get through the days bit by bit. 

Don't forget to care for yourself too, mentally and emotionally. I know you're thinking entirely about your daughter right now but you've been through a traumatic experience too, and you have to care for yourself as part of that.

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, NeverWithoutMyKids said:

I am having trouble at times dealing with all of this and would like to discuss it with other parents (or guardians, tutors, etc) in this situation.

Sorry you are going through this, and glad you are getting professional help.

When my son left for college he could not cope and became self-destructive, it's a difficult time as a parent and I found some of the online support just panicked me more, stories of immense sadness, when the most important thing was to stay calm, keep the communications open. 

Looking around now there are free online support groups such as https://bily.org/ and https://www.parentshelpingparents.org/onlinegroups  But I found it was very personal, I already knew the basics, having worked as a social worker, but it was totally different talking and listening to my own child. My son was living three hours' drive away, his father was nearby but useless, so I spent a lot of time driving and thinking and staying in hotels. Eventually he came home for a couple of years. I received all kinds of weird advice during that time, that I was an enabler, to 'kick him out', that he needed some 'tough love' (that was a caring church philosophy apparently! ) that he would always be on drugs...all I can say is I listened to what was helpful and tuned out anything else. 

What helped me most were other parents who had come out the other side, whose child had grown up and was living a happy productive and fulfilled life, I devoured those stories.

And that's what happened, after some tumultuous years: my son is grown up, sober, college graduate, work he loves, we are still close. He'll be over for dinner later. I still do a fair amount of 'nagging', I mean advice, on the role of nutrition in mood stability...( and sleep/ exercise/meditation )

When he talks about that time now he says he could not see a way forward, thought he'd 'screwed everything up', he had no perspective. I of course never thought any of that, never expected him to grow up 'perfect' or not to make his own mistakes along the way. 

'How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention' ( Susan Rose Blauner ) is a book stays in my mind, not so much the contents, which I have forgotten, but the title, the concept. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

10 hours ago, NeverWithoutMyKids said:

Can I ask you to pray for her/us? Thanks for all your suggestions!

Yes, I will do so. Please keep me posted as to her well being. At some point you should be able to pm me. I have a prayer list I have written your name, her name (As NeverWithoutM's daughter) and your family's name (NWM's family) down on.

I take a Vit B supplement through my skin as some think there is evidence that in a significant proportion of the population some of the  B vitamins are destroyed before getting into the bloodstream.  Look up the benefits of Vit B with regard to mental health.

I do believe her changing hormones are influencing her. I've seen it in so many young girls.

Seems to me it's wise for you to have her device available to contact help when she needs it.

[Watercolors]

On 1/23/2021 at 6:34 PM, NeverWithoutMyKids said:

Hello,

This is my first post though I am a long time reader of these forums.

Two weeks ago my 13 year-old daughter attempted suicide and was in the hospital for 2 days.

We are getting support and she is seeing a psychologist.

We have also been calling a suicide prevention centre hotline and they are VERY helpful.

However this has led to us finding out that she has daily thoughts of suicide and has thought through some ways to go through with it.

She is very collaborative and we have a lot of resources and ideas to help her.

However I am having trouble at times dealing with all of this and would like to discuss it with other parents (or guardians, tutors, etc) in this situation.

Hopefully I am posting in the right place!

Thanks

Have you tried other websites that offer advice specific to this? 

https://www.accreditedschoolsonline.org/resources/suicide-prevention/

https://www.today.com/parents/experts-explain-how-talk-about-suicide-kids-age-t130589

Quote

 

Ages 11-14: Be more concrete.

“You have to be more concrete,” Gilboa said. “We must be talking to our pre-teens about the warning signs of suicidality.”

By middle school, one in three children have experienced mood dysregulation that scares them, Gilboa said. This doesn’t mean that pre-teens will go on to experience a mental health condition. But it does show that at a young age, children are grappling with complicated emotions.

Start the conversation with questions.

“The best entry way is to ask them what they heard. ‘What have you heard about this person? What have you heard about suicide? What are your beliefs?’” Gilboa explained.

Gathering information allows parents to be on the same page as their children. Most people tune out conversations that are too basic for them and providing too much information could be too stressful.

“Enter the conversation where they are,” she said.

This also gives parents the chance to correct any misinformation their children might have heard. If your pre-teen says, 'Weak people die by suicide,' then a parent can explain that the person died because of an illness, not weakness.

“Someone dying of a heart attack isn’t the person’s fault. The disease was stronger than the treatment,” Gilboa said. “People who have depression sometimes die.”

Parents should ask their children if they have thought about suicide or if any of their friends have.

“Ask clear questions and don’t dance around it so they know it is a safe place,” she said.

 

 

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

On 2021-01-24 at 11:20 AM, BaileyB said:

I am praying for you and your beautiful daughter. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you all.

It’s good to hear that you are surrounded by support. I pray that things stabilize for you soon. 

Thanks I really appreciate it

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

On 2021-01-24 at 11:26 AM, lana-banana said:

Welcome to the boards - I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. You sound like an outstanding parent and your daughter is in the best possible hands. It's so hard to be young, especially these days, and the pandemic has made it even harder still.

One aspect of suicide that's not always discussed is how it tends to be contagious. Following an incident, close friends and family members are at a high risk for suicide themselves. It sounds like she really struggled after what happened to her friend.

One of the most important things you can do right now is probably what the psychologist is already doing: reminding her that no feeling is forever, and that even the most awful and intense pains won't last. Self-soothing, the ability to distract herself, knowing to call you or her dad or someone else she trusts when she's overwhelmed - that will help her get through the days bit by bit. 

Don't forget to care for yourself too, mentally and emotionally. I know you're thinking entirely about your daughter right now but you've been through a traumatic experience too, and you have to care for yourself as part of that.

Thank you for the encouraging words!

You are right about it being "contagious" as I have heard and seen that before. I have 2 other children who are older and I watching out for them and how they are dealing with this.

And yes, I need to take care of myself, it has been tough and I am not getting a lot of sleep. These conversations here help a lot!

[NeverWithoutMyKids]

On 2021-01-24 at 12:45 PM, Ellener said:

Sorry you are going through this, and glad you are getting professional help.

When my son left for college he could not cope and became self-destructive, it's a difficult time as a parent and I found some of the online support just panicked me more, stories of immense sadness, when the most important thing was to stay calm, keep the communications open. 

Looking around now there are free online support groups such as https://bily.org/ and https://www.parentshelpingparents.org/onlinegroups  But I found it was very personal, I already knew the basics, having worked as a social worker, but it was totally different talking and listening to my own child. My son was living three hours' drive away, his father was nearby but useless, so I spent a lot of time driving and thinking and staying in hotels. Eventually he came home for a couple of years. I received all kinds of weird advice during that time, that I was an enabler, to 'kick him out', that he needed some 'tough love' (that was a caring church philosophy apparently! ) that he would always be on drugs...all I can say is I listened to what was helpful and tuned out anything else. 

What helped me most were other parents who had come out the other side, whose child had grown up and was living a happy productive and fulfilled life, I devoured those stories.

And that's what happened, after some tumultuous years: my son is grown up, sober, college graduate, work he loves, we are still close. He'll be over for dinner later. I still do a fair amount of 'nagging', I mean advice, on the role of nutrition in mood stability...( and sleep/ exercise/meditation )

When he talks about that time now he says he could not see a way forward, thought he'd 'screwed everything up', he had no perspective. I of course never thought any of that, never expected him to grow up 'perfect' or not to make his own mistakes along the way. 

'How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention' ( Susan Rose Blauner ) is a book stays in my mind, not so much the contents, which I have forgotten, but the title, the concept. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks, this is exactly what I was looking for: links to forums, books or other links to read and stories of others who have made it through. This really helps!

Edited January 27, 2021 by NeverWithoutMyKids