In an LTR, but Have a Massive Crush.

[lakerman34]

So, I have a bit of an "issue" that I assume is relatively normal in dating life.

I have been dating a woman for a little more than 3 years now. Admittedly, it has not been perfect, but it has been good. I love her, and she is the most important person in my life.

With THAT said, I wonder about our sexual attraction to each other. She is definitely sexually attracted to me, but I find myself only somewhat sexually attracted to her.

I'm 30 years old, my partner will also be 30 in about 2 months.

A 22 year old beauty has recently entered my life. She is in my graduate program, and she is, herself, in a committed relationship (I think about 4.5 years). We, however, have a pretty good rapport, flirt often (remotely, of course), and everyone knows that I'm crushing on her (I even spoke about it with my partner, who thinks it's normal. My partner and I are in an open relationship, and neither of us would consider ourselves serial monogamists).

Here is the issue. I am INCREDIBLY attracted to this girl. I think about her all the time. My gut is telling me she actually feels the same way. I sometimes have thoughts that she may be the "right" girl for me, that I could end up with for the rest of my life.

Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, but something feels right about her. I haven't even met her in person yet (that is coming REAL soon), but I have had thoughts of even potentially leaving my current relationship for her, if it comes to that.

This may all just be a huge fantasy to me, I'm not sure, but any doubt I have with my current partner I don't think I'll share with her (my therapist tells me that having doubts about our relationships after being in them for a few years is completely normal, and I should be inquisitive about these feelings, although they don't definitively mean I want to leave my current partner).

I'm not sure what type of feedback I am seeking, but rather just wanted to share these feelings with others and, perhaps, get reactions? Please note that I'm not into traditional relationships, so "traditional" relationship advice wouldn't help.

Edited January 23, 2021 by lakerman34

[MRSR31]

Does your partner know you have a subpar sexual response to her? I don't imagine polyamorous people have deficient egos. Perhaps if she knew she wouldn't be so hot for you. IDK. 

[Alpacalia]

So, what about her, what do you know that makes you think she could be the "one?" Not to say she's not, but I wonder if it's not just the hallmark of "grass is greener syndrome." Also, some people are not as accepting of open relationships. Would you stay in your current relationship while exploring things with this other woman? How do you know that is something she would even be receptive to? If you left your current relationship altogether to be with this new woman, would that relationship also be an open relationship?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, lakerman34 said:

 I'm not into traditional relationships, so "traditional" relationship advice wouldn't help.

If you and your GF are in an open relationship, you can have sex with whoever else you want. The question is does this student want you?

Edited January 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you and your GF in an open relationship?

5 hours ago, lakerman34 said:

My partner and I are in an open relationship, and neither of us would consider ourselves serial monogamists).

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

There's a few issues here. 

1) this girl is in a relationship.  Just because she flirts with you, doesn't mean she wants you.  When I worked in a lab, I flirted with a bunch of girls... but never once did I think about cheating on my (then) wife.

2) The build up is ENTIRERLY in your head !!  Here again... she may think you are creepy, but is being nice.

Other than that... if you are in an open relationship... then just ask the girl out.  But I'm guessing she will tell you "No" because she is in a relationship, and the majority of the people in the world do no want to be in an open relationship.  Also... after you ask her... I would expect that friendship to go away. 

[Wiseman2]

Not everyone wants open relationships. She has a BF.

And especially with someone she has to interact with on a more professional level.

Fix things at home,if you want extracurricular sex, perhaps look elsewhere.

[Cersei]

I am just trying to understand, not judge but please explain what  being in an open relationship means to you. I have never truly understood what it means because it's so different from how I think. Once again, im not judging, just trying to learn.

[ShyViolet]

So many things about this don't make sense.

You haven't even met this girl in person.  If you haven't met her in person, you have a crush on the IDEA of her.  You've built up this fantasy of her in your head.  You do not know this girl.  

The "new" girl is in a long-term, committed relationship with someone else anyway.  So she's NOT AVAILABLE.  Even if you knew her well enough to know if she was "the one" for you, it's not happening.

The bigger issue here is the fact that you say you aren't very attracted to your partner.  If that is the case, then maybe you should re-evaluate whether you want to be in your relationship.  But this girl that you have a crush on is not going to be the reason.

[kendahke]

Quote

I have been dating a woman for a little more than 3 years now. Admittedly, it has not been perfect, but it has been good. I love her, and she is the most important person in my life. With THAT said, I wonder about our sexual attraction to each other. She is definitely sexually attracted to me, but I find myself only somewhat sexually attracted to her. I've had thoughts of even potentially leaving my current relationship for (remote chick).

I think you need to sack up and have a talk with your current girlfriend about how you actually feel--could be she's that way because on some level, she already knows you're using her to mark time with... might be she said she was open-relationship adjacent because she thought that would be a good lure to catch you, not that she actually believes it.

You two really need to have a serious conversation before you put this "all in your head" fantasy in motion and hurt her.  She deserves the chance to switch up her stroke.

Quote

I am INCREDIBLY attracted to this girl. I think about her all the time. My gut is telling me she actually feels the same way. I haven't even met her in person yet ( I have

Your gut is telling you what you want to hear, not the truth. You assume that because you think of her all the time and she's being pleasant by bantering with you that that means she thinks of you in the same way. Hardly, if she's been in a 4 1/2 year relationship.

Quote

any doubt I have with my current partner I don't think I'll share with her

That's manipulative and calculating and wholly unfair to her. You think it's fair to blind-side her with this truth when you decide to go visit this chick in person, since you're convinced that an in-person meeting is inevitable? She's thinking you've got a crush and you're talking about dumping her for this chick you don't even know based on a fantasy in your head.

Quote

(my therapist tells me that having doubts about our relationships after being in them for a few years is completely normal, and I should be inquisitive about these feelings, although they don't definitively mean I want to leave my current partner).

Except you do, since you said:

Quote

I've had thoughts of even potentially leaving my current relationship for (remote chick).

 

[smackie9]

This is what we call infatuation. This also happens during the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship where you are fantasizing about picking out babies names and buying a house with the white picket fence. It's dopamine...it's not real, just a natural, biological implant thanks to mother nature to help us along to continue the species. Dude this $%^& wears off. You hardly know this person and you are speculating solely on your attraction for her. Get your head out of your butt and take a big big step back.

Think about your present relationship. Is this temporary? Have you ever discussed if anyone of you "falls" for another? what action are you going to take? At this point, you are emotionally cheating. In open relationships as far as I have learned from those who have had such arrangement, is purely for sexual gratification/exploration. It takes an incredible amount of communication and trust. Your partner understands "crushes" BUT this here threatens the relationship and the arrangement. You are over stepping your boundaries.

My take on this...this girl may not want to go further than light flirtation or she is would be willing to have a fling....there is a part of me that thinks, that's all you are going to get, and there is no way she is interested in a future ie: marriage and babies. This is why I say dopamine has you by the ballz at the moment and you need to snap out of it. All this stuff  is just obsessing/infatuation and nothing more. You could lose everything. This is why you should take yourself out of the situation and make a more decisive decision on this with a clearer head.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, lakerman34 said:

My gut is telling me she actually feels the same way. I sometimes have thoughts that she may be the "right" girl for me, that I could end up with for the rest of my life.

Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, but something feels right about her. I haven't even met her in person yet (that is coming REAL soon), 

You're right, it doesn't make sense. 

It doesn't make sense because you have no clue how well (or even if) you would gel with her in person. You have never met so you have zero tangible evidence to support the notion that she is the one for you. All you know is you like the way she looks and talks to you. That's just the tip of the ice-berg when it comes to long-term compatibility. 

If anything, this infatuation highlights how unsatisfied you are with your girlfriend. Things sound rather "meh" there, for you. You admit you're not that sexually attracted to her, which is leading you to entertain this fantasy. The problem is you're getting completely carried away with it, imagining spending your life with her. You need a cold dose of reality, son: your relationship is not working well, and you don't even know if this other woman would want you in return. 

You and your girlfriend really need to sit down and talk about what the future holds between you. Be very honest with her. This is going beyond non-monogamous sex, which I would assume is okay in your open relationship. Whose preference was it to open your relationship - has it always been that way? Were you or she non-monogamous in other relationships? 

[MortonPI]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So many things about this don't make sense.

You haven't even met this girl in person.  If you haven't met her in person, you have a crush on the IDEA of her.  You've built up this fantasy of her in your head.  You do not know this girl.  

The "new" girl is in a long-term, committed relationship with someone else anyway.  So she's NOT AVAILABLE.  Even if you knew her well enough to know if she was "the one" for you, it's not happening.

The bigger issue here is the fact that you say you aren't very attracted to your partner.  If that is the case, then maybe you should re-evaluate whether you want to be in your relationship.  But this girl that you have a crush on is not going to be the reason.

People monkey-branch all the time. I myself have been dumped once by a girl who was preparing her next relationship while we were still together. And the guy reached out to her. I have a friend who's girlfriend of 7 years just did the same thing to him. So it happens all the time, and it could happen to this fella too.

But you should definitely meet the girl before you start making any big changes. What if she's a terrible conversationalist and only has enough prepared dialogue for 15 minutes of online banter. What if she smells bad.

You're fortunate to be in an open relationship, so ask her out. It'll give you clarity.

[dramafreezone]

Crushes are perfectly normal.  When you get involved with anyone the honeymoon phase will wear off eventually.

This new woman looks great now because she's new and because she's forbidden.  It's naturally to want what we can't have.  If you were to begin dating her you'd find that she has her own set of flaws and that she's not this idea that you have of her.  Grass isn't always greener. 

You're just highly attracted to her and rationalizing your feelings by saying you could see yourself with her forever.  If you want to break up with your GF because you're not happy then that's fine but it'd be a mistake if you did it because you think this other woman is so amazing.  She's not.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

Quote

 

Here is the issue. I am INCREDIBLY attracted to this girl. I think about her all the time. My gut is telling me she actually feels the same way. I sometimes have thoughts that she may be the "right" girl for me, that I could end up with for the rest of my life.

Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, but something feels right about her. I haven't even met her in person yet (that is coming REAL soon), but I have had thoughts of even potentially leaving my current relationship for her, if it comes to that.

 

You're attracted to who you think she is.   You don't know her, and she doesn't know you.

You two have never spent significant time together in-person where you could figure out to some level, how she is in her day to day.  You don't know the kind people she associates herself with.  You don't who her family is.  None of them know you.  You've never seen how she is at her worst and you've never seen how she is at YOUR worst.  You're not just taking this girl on if you end up in a relationship with her, you'll be taking on her friends, her family, her desires, aspirations, needs, weaknesses etc.   and furthermore, you won't know how you'll feel about it, once you come to learn it.

..and that's if she feels the same way.  And if she does, you've built a longterm relationship with your gf.  Someone to go home to and/or see regularly.  Someone who gets you and if not, atleast supports you.  Someone to talk to and have fun with.  There's sex.  Emotional intimacy.  You may not notice these gifts anymore because they're always there for you and you can depend on it, rely on it, and feel comfortable without worry...but it's there operating in the background.  And it's what brings you a good proportion of that confidence and energy, you are approaching your life with...including this girl.

If your gf left you tomorrow, she'll take a lot of that with her.  How would you feel about this girl then?  Would she still be as appealing?

- Beach

 

Edited January 23, 2021 by Beachead

[Cheryl Grey]

I've had these feelings about people all through my adult life of 30+ years. Colleagues, someone in the local cafe....I took them as being a reflection of something I was going through in my own life or relationship at that time, and I learned to think  but not act, and sit with those feelings and thoughts for as long as I could work out what I really wanted. Most times it was my own self esteem and low self confidence morphing me into a new and exciting scenario with someone new who could see me in a whole new light to how may current partner (and indeed I) saw me.

You know how they say measure twice cut once? I say think about this 50 times, and only act once you know for sure this is what you want and the consequences are something you can live with.

[Fox Sake]

You might not be about traditional relationships and tradition relationship advice but morals and sense go across the board.

You can show the new girl some respect too by not setting your targets on her knowing she’s in a relationship. She’s off the table to you so your fantasies have to stop.
You’re building an imaginary and false closeness. 

Don’t romanticise “the grass is greener” either. I made that mistake. You know what was over the fence? It was green for a reason, it was covered in sh** and loneliness. 

If you did go through with it , and in some other universe the girl dumped her bf for you, the biggest problem you would face is both of you jumping from one relationship into another. That never works (almost all of the time).

And with all due respect, good luck finding many people who don’t mind sharing their partner. You’ve done well to get to where you are and have someone that shares your niche interests!

So, TLDR work on your relationship or work you. We always want what we can’t have and we never know what we have until it’s gone.  It’s life’s enigma 

Edited January 24, 2021 by Fox Sake
Sometimes I miss out the most basic of words :/

[Miss Spider]

On 1/23/2021 at 12:08 AM, lakerman34 said:

So, I have a bit of an "issue" that I assume is relatively normal in dating life.

I have been dating a woman for a little more than 3 years now. Admittedly, it has not been perfect, but it has been good. I love her, and she is the most important person in my life.

With THAT said, I wonder about our sexual attraction to each other. She is definitely sexually attracted to me, but I find myself only somewhat sexually attracted to her.

I'm 30 years old, my partner will also be 30 in about 2 months.

A 22 year old beauty has recently entered my life. She is in my graduate program, and she is, herself, in a committed relationship (I think about 4.5 years). We, however, have a pretty good rapport, flirt often (remotely, of course), and everyone knows that I'm crushing on her (I even spoke about it with my partner, who thinks it's normal. My partner and I are in an open relationship, and neither of us would consider ourselves serial monogamists).

Here is the issue. I am INCREDIBLY attracted to this girl. I think about her all the time. My gut is telling me she actually feels the same way. I sometimes have thoughts that she may be the "right" girl for me, that I could end up with for the rest of my life.

Logically, I know it doesn't make sense, but something feels right about her. I haven't even met her in person yet (that is coming REAL soon), but I have had thoughts of even potentially leaving my current relationship for her, if it comes to that.

This may all just be a huge fantasy to me, I'm not sure, but any doubt I have with my current partner I don't think I'll share with her (my therapist tells me that having doubts about our relationships after being in them for a few years is completely normal, and I should be inquisitive about these feelings, although they don't definitively mean I want to leave my current partner).

I'm not sure what type of feedback I am seeking, but rather just wanted to share these feelings with others and, perhaps, get reactions? Please note that I'm not into traditional relationships, so "traditional" relationship advice wouldn't help.

This is the thing with an open relationship. Sex is often not just about the sex... there’s a whole slew of emotions involved on both sides. Usually when someone is in a “traditional” relationship they think ‘they’re hot’ then proceed to stomp out any of the fire that they have beyond that because they realize that they are in a relationship so that is off boundaries unless they cheat.
 

In an open relationship, you are at least allowed to have sex with the person and all of the steps that lead to getting closer and more intimate to the person is fair game. So a fleeting thought of “wow they are hot“ can lead to a crush can to lead to a full-blown “I’d leave my partner for another person if it comes down to it” a lot more easily than it would in a “traditional” relationship. 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Interstellar]

Newness is the aphrodisiac of the mind.