Recently Single - How do I handle dating or whatever this is with a pandemic

January 22, 2021

Hello! So I became single about 4-5 months ago and it wasn't a long relationship so I feel like I am ready to move on. I haven't really stepped into and OLD or anything but I am open to the idea of meeting someone. And I did end up meeting someone. Strangely enough it was not by a dating app but just proximity chat. I saw her picture and thought she was cute and her tag line was something positive so I just msg'd her and said hello. She replied and eventually she added me on the app and we got to know each other.

I felt like we clicked right away. We seemed to have a similar mindset, and she was just a very bubbly person but very shy. We started to talk with text and voice notes about our lives and our past and eventually it got a bit deep. We talked about some very personal things about ourselves and shared it with each other. She was adorable and told me she thinks I am an amazing person and I told her the same just on how we went through the things we went through and how it made us into who we are. She and I both said we felt surprised to be so comfortable with each other because for her she does not talk to a lot of people. She basically said she has learned that trust and friendship is important and that she has limited to the number of close friends she keeps in contact with to just her 2 best friends, one of which lives in Australia now and the other still here. It wasn't until later that I learned more about why that is. She has been in 2 relationships, 1 of four years and the second of 7 years. The 7 year one cheated on her but she didn't end it after and eventually woke up one day and realized she didn't love him and they had nothing in terms of a friendship as a foundation so she finally left him. But that seemed to have struck a cord with her as she said that she believes developing a friendship first is necessary and if something more comes from it, it would be great and she would be open to it. The only thing is she doesn't seem to be open to making new friends often so I guess I count myself lucky. She mentioned to me and even said that's why I'm special.

As an example, it took some time but she finally gave me her Instagram, and she had a total of 5 followers before adding me. After talking for a month I finally asked her to do a phone call as we agreed we wouldn't meet until our covid restrictions here loosen up as we are on a lockdown right now. She also spends a lot of time going home to take care of her dad cuz he is old and needs help which is why she takes covid seriously. Her dad said hello to me on our voice notes convos. I was nervous but the call went great. I made her laugh and while I couldn't stay on for more than the hour I asked if I could call her tomorrow to which she replied yes and we talked the next day. Things felt good and I was feeling butterflies, I could tell I was getting a crush on this girl. we continued to talk for a week until the weekend where I asked her to call again and she said yes and finally gave me her phone number this time. She had previously said no because she said she felt uncomfortable giving her number as she did once and they harassed her to the point she had to change it. Well on that call the topic of her instagram came up and that was when I noticed she had a new follower, and I commented on it as it turned out the follower was a guy that I met in passing years ago but didn't know personally at all. She felt embarrassed and explained what happened, her bff tried to set her up with him and gave him her IG to chat with her, but they had previously matched on tinder a year or so back and she told me she had no interest and stopped talking to him, and now she added him because she felt awkward and didn't know what to do. I felt skeptical but chose to brush it off because in reality we weren't dating so she can do whatever she wants. A few days later apparently he was rude to her because she refused to meet up and she deleted him and oddly she made it clear to me that it happened. Maybe she didn't want me to think she was dating other people because she made it clear she wasn't on any dating apps. And that she isn't looking for anything but if something happens she would be open to it and that friendship is important and should come first. she talked about her past tinder experience and how she didn't like it and only met up with 1 person. But she told me she purposely drags it out as sort of a test to see what the guy was actually looking for and that they would often get frustrated because they just wanted to hook up. And one guy finally met after 6 months of talking. She then told me when they met he admitted to having 3 kids. So that was the end of that. fair enough.

So we continued talking by text and snapchat and what not. And we had another phone call last weekend and we talked for 3 hours. It was fun and after she texted me how much she enjoyed it. this whole time we had been talking about meeting up when covid restrictions change. One night while texting back and forth I just sorta had this feeling of how much I enjoyed our talks and I texted her "I really like talking to you, I just wanted you to know that" but it was 2am so she didn't read it which was fine. But next day she did and then she proceeded to leave me on read. I don't know why but I didn't think what I said was anything out of the ordinary and by contrast she has mentioned many times how she enjoys talking to me and that I'm amazing and what not. And asking where have I been all her life. At any rate it got to me and I started to feel anxious. She eventually commented on one of my Snap stories completely unrelated to that convo and I was stupid and left her on read and eventually replied with thanks (she commented about my bike). And that was the last time we spoke. its been 2 days and she has not replied or said anything. I want to msg and say hi or something but I have people saying "don't seem to eager" and stuff. I think I just suck as playing this dating game.

Should I keep waiting to see if she text me back or just be a bigger person and msg her first? Do you think there is a point to this or am I just barking up the wrong tree?

Edited January 22, 2021 by lionheart153

January 22, 2021

7 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Hello! So I became single about 4-5 months ago and it wasn't a long relationship so I feel like I am ready to move on. I haven't really stepped into and OLD or anything but I am open to the idea of meeting someone. And I did end up meeting someone. Strangely enough it was not by a dating app but just proximity chat. I saw her picture and thought she was cute and her tag line was something positive so I just msg'd her and said hello. She replied and eventually she added me on the app and we got to know each other.

I felt like we clicked right away. We seemed to have a similar mindset, and she was just a very bubbly person but very shy. We started to talk with text and voice notes about our lives and our past and eventually it got a bit deep. We talked about some very personal things about ourselves and shared it with each other. She was adorable and told me she thinks I am an amazing person and I told her the same just on how we went through the things we went through and how it made us into who we are. She and I both said we felt surprised to be so comfortable with each other because for her she does not talk to a lot of people. She basically said she has learned that trust and friendship is important and that she has limited to the number of close friends she keeps in contact with to just her 2 best friends, one of which lives in Australia now and the other still here. It wasn't until later that I learned more about why that is. She has been in 2 relationships, 1 of four years and the second of 7 years. The 7 year one cheated on her but she didn't end it after and eventually woke up one day and realized she didn't love him and they had nothing in terms of a friendship as a foundation so she finally left him. But that seemed to have struck a cord with her as she said that she believes developing a friendship first is necessary and if something more comes from it, it would be great. The only thing is she doesn't seem to be open to making friends so I guess I count myself lucky. She mentioned to me and even said that's why I'm special.

As an example, it took some time but she finally gave me her Instagram, and she had a total of 5 followers before adding me. After talking for a month I finally asked her to do a phone call as we agreed we wouldn't meet until our covid restrictions here loosen up as we are on a lockdown right now. She also spends a lot of time going home to take care of her dad cuz he is old and needs help which is why she takes covid seriously. Her dad said hello to me on our voice notes convos. I was nervous but the call went great. I made her laugh and while I couldn't stay on for more than the hour I asked if I could call her tomorrow to which she replied yes and we talked the next day. Things felt good and I was feeling butterflies, I could tell I was getting a crush on this girl. we continued to talk for a week until the weekend where I asked her to call again and she said yes and finally gave me her phone number this time. She had previously said no because she said she felt uncomfortable giving her number as she did once and they harassed her to the point she had to change it. Well on that call the topic of her instagram came up and that was when I noticed she had a new follower, and I commented on it as it turned out the follower was a guy that I met in passing years ago but did know personally at all. She felt embarrassed and explained what happened, her bff tried to set her up with him and gave him her IG to chat with her, but they had previously matched on tinder a year or so back and she told me she had no interest and stopped talking to him, and now she added him because she felt awkward and didn't know what to do. I felt skeptical but chose to brush it off because in reality we weren't dating so she can do whatever she wants. A few days later apparently he was rude to her because she refused to meet up and she deleted him and oddly she made it clear to me that it happened. Maybe she didn't want me to think she was dating other people because she made it clear she wasn't on any dating apps. And that she isn't looking for anything but if something happens she would be open to it and that friendship is important and should come first. she talked about her past tinder experience and how she didn't like it and only met up with 1 person. But she told me she purposely drags it out as sort of a test to see what the guy was actually looking for and that they would often get frustrated because they just wanted to hook up. And one guy finally met after 6 months of talking. She then told me when they met he admitted to having 3 kids. So that was the end of that. fair enough.

So we continued talking by text and snapchat and what not. And we had another phone call last weekend and we talked for 3 hours. It was fun and after she texted me how much she enjoyed it. this whole time we had been talking about meeting up when covid restrictions change. One night while texting back and forth I just sorta had this feeling of how much I enjoyed our talks and I texted her "I really like talking to you, I just wanted you to know that" but it was 2am so she didn't read it which was fine. But next day she did and then she proceeded to leave me on read. I don't know why but I didn't think what I said was anything out of the ordinary and by contrast she has mentioned many times how she enjoys talking to me and that I'm amazing and what not. And asking where have I been all her life. At any rate it got to me and I started to feel anxious. She eventually commented on one of my Snap stories completely unrelated to that convo and I was stupid and left her on read and eventually replied with thanks (she commented about my bike). And that was the last time we spoke. its been 2 days and she has not replied or said anything. I want to msg and say hi or something but I have people saying "don't seem to eager" and stuff. I think I just suck as playing this dating game.

Should I keep waiting to see if she text me back or just be a bigger person and msg her first? Do you think there is a point to this or am I just barking up the wrong tree?

Message her first.

See where it can go.

January 22, 2021

1 hour ago, lionheart153 said:

Should I keep waiting to see if she text me back or just be a bigger person and msg her first? Do you think there is a point to this or am I just barking up the wrong tree?

You guys are friends so I don't see any reason to not reach out to her. I text my friends and they leave me on read all the time... I leave people on read unintentionally, life happens. I wouldn't read too much into this. If anything your comment might have scared her a little bit so my advice would be to not make comments like that again.

On a deeper level I think you have to decide what you want from this relationship. You're developed a crush on her but she's only wanting friends right now, is that something that you're going to be ok with?

January 22, 2021

3 hours ago, peach302 said:

Message her first.

See where it can go.

1 hour ago, amygirl908 said:

You guys are friends so I don't see any reason to not reach out to her. I text my friends and they leave me on read all the time... I leave people on read unintentionally, life happens. I wouldn't read too much into this. If anything your comment might have scared her a little bit so my advice would be to not make comments like that again.

On a deeper level I think you have to decide what you want from this relationship. You're developed a crush on her but she's only wanting friends right now, is that something that you're going to be ok with?

I did and she has not replied though I do see she is active on her phone. I choose to use an app that does not tell me if she read it or not for the sake of my sanity. But forgot I still have her IG and Snap

I thought that too, that my comment may have scared her but when I look back at our discussion it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Maybe she just didn't have a reply? I dont know

On a deeper level I am fine with getting to know someone first. Friendship is important in a strong relationship IMO and she made it clear that she is open to something if it were to develop. I guess I did not expect to catch feelings so quickly as we were just talking and texting. But I've grown to like this girl on her personality regardless of her looks. However I feel like maybe I am putting to much weight into it. MAybe I need to step away until I can control my emotions? The part of her saying she would test guys on tinder and only 1 person made it through after 6 months had me thinking for sure that maybe I am being tested. She's a very private person which is understandable. I guess I just wish I had more to go on? We haven't met yet so that probably makes it worse. Maybe in person we won't vibe as much as we did on text and phone? If she was to say she wasn't interested in anything but friendship, and not adding the last part that she would be open if something did happen once she got to know someone I'd probably feel less anxious?

January 22, 2021

10 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

I did and she has not replied though I do see she is active on her phone. I choose to use an app that does not tell me if she read it or not for the sake of my sanity. But forgot I still have her IG and Snap

On a deeper level I am fine with getting to know someone first. Friendship is important in a strong relationship IMO and she made it clear that she is open to something if it were to develop. I guess I did not expect to catch feelings so quickly as we were just talking and texting. But I've grown to like this girl on her personality regardless of her looks. However I feel like maybe I am putting to much weight into it. MAybe I need to step away until I can control my emotions? The part of her saying she would test guys on tinder and only 1 person made it through after 6 months had me thinking for sure that maybe I am being tested. She's a very private person which is understandable. I guess I just wish I had more to go on? We haven't met yet so that probably makes it worse. Maybe in person we won't vibe as much as we did on text and phone? If she was to say she wasn't interested in anything but friendship, and not adding the last part that she would be open if something did happen once she got to know someone I'd probably feel less anxious?

That's too bad that she hasn't replied.

Honestly I asked that question because I find myself in a similar situation and am asking myself the same thing. I just don't really have an out or a way to step away without cutting off most of my friends, but we know we both have feelings for each other. Anyways I digress... Some space might help but the feelings are not likely to go away so I could go either way on stepping away in your situation. She very well could have been testing you since you already know that's her MO. I wish you had more to go on too. Virtual relationships are difficult because communication is not the greatest. You miss some important components and non verbal communication when you're not face to face. Will you have an opportunity to meet up in person anytime soon? It is possible that the chemistry isn't there in person I've had that happen before but most of the time the vibe is there IRL. You're anxious because you like her and you've put expectations on how you'd like this relationship to move forward. It might help you be less anxious if you changed your mindset. The mind is a powerful thing.

When I find myself getting anxious about a relationship I ask myself why am I feeling anxious? and what I do to change how I'm feeling? We often make excuses for our emotions instead of taking responsibility for them. When you take ownership and control of your expectations and emotions it can really help with the anxiety. I'm the only person who can make me feel that way. It's easier said than done, but it really makes a big difference. When I find myself constantly checking my phone, dissecting conversations and interactions, thinking about someone nonstop... I check myself and I try to divert my attention.

January 22, 2021

57 minutes ago, amygirl908 said:

That's too bad that she hasn't replied.

Honestly I asked that question because I find myself in a similar situation and am asking myself the same thing. I just don't really have an out or a way to step away without cutting off most of my friends, but we know we both have feelings for each other. Anyways I digress... Some space might help but the feelings are not likely to go away so I could go either way on stepping away in your situation. She very well could have been testing you since you already know that's her MO. I wish you had more to go on too. Virtual relationships are difficult because communication is not the greatest. You miss some important components and non verbal communication when you're not face to face. Will you have an opportunity to meet up in person anytime soon? It is possible that the chemistry isn't there in person I've had that happen before but most of the time the vibe is there IRL. You're anxious because you like her and you've put expectations on how you'd like this relationship to move forward. It might help you be less anxious if you changed your mindset. The mind is a powerful thing.

When I find myself getting anxious about a relationship I ask myself why am I feeling anxious? and what I do to change how I'm feeling? We often make excuses for our emotions instead of taking responsibility for them. When you take ownership and control of your expectations and emotions it can really help with the anxiety. I'm the only person who can make me feel that way. It's easier said than done, but it really makes a big difference. When I find myself constantly checking my phone, dissecting conversations and interactions, thinking about someone nonstop... I check myself and I try to divert my attention.

I think I can be honest with myself and know that I like this girl but maybe I need to face the fact that she doesn't like me. I shouldn't be surprised people are often dishonest and maybe she was just too nice and did not know how to communicate it to me. Either way I need to work on distancing myself from this because I am clearly affected by it to much.

January 22, 2021

On 22/01/2021 at 9:20 PM, lionheart153 said:

I did and she has not replied though I do see she is active on her phone. I choose to use an app that does not tell me if she read it or not for the sake of my sanity. But forgot I still have her IG and Snap

I thought that too, that my comment may have scared her but when I look back at our discussion it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Maybe she just didn't have a reply? I dont know

On a deeper level I am fine with getting to know someone first. Friendship is important in a strong relationship IMO and she made it clear that she is open to something if it were to develop. I guess I did not expect to catch feelings so quickly as we were just talking and texting. But I've grown to like this girl on her personality regardless of her looks. However I feel like maybe I am putting to much weight into it. MAybe I need to step away until I can control my emotions? The part of her saying she would test guys on tinder and only 1 person made it through after 6 months had me thinking for sure that maybe I am being tested. She's a very private person which is understandable. I guess I just wish I had more to go on? We haven't met yet so that probably makes it worse. Maybe in person we won't vibe as much as we did on text and phone? If she was to say she wasn't interested in anything but friendship, and not adding the last part that she would be open if something did happen once she got to know someone I'd probably feel less anxious?

[edited to remove unnecessary characterisation].

What did you message her? Didnt she say she was busy with exams. Maybe wait till that period is over...and start again.

Edited January 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
[edited to remove unnecessary characterisation]

January 22, 2021

3 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

I think I can be honest with myself and know that I like this girl but maybe I need to face the fact that she doesn't like me. I shouldn't be surprised people are often dishonest and maybe she was just too nice and did not know how to communicate it to me. Either way I need to work on distancing myself from this because I am clearly affected by it to much.

Try not to drive yourself mental. . It can happen when you're this infatuated with a person.

So i guess take a step back like you said

January 23, 2021

3 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

I think I can be honest with myself and know that I like this girl but maybe I need to face the fact that she doesn't like me. I shouldn't be surprised people are often dishonest and maybe she was just too nice and did not know how to communicate it to me. Either way I need to work on distancing myself from this because I am clearly affected by it to much.

Seriously this girl sounds too much drama. She wants people like you to wait for weeks and months because she hasn’t healed from past relationships. How is this fair to you? Why would you put up with friendship when there are single girls out there on dating apps who want to date! And if she is so skeptical why is she talking to strangers like u online? And u talked to her dad???!!! Like what???!!! Thats so weird.. u haven’t even met her.. why u talked to her dad??!! I would say don’t wait on her. Your time is precious. Talk to other more open and available women.

January 23, 2021

13 hours ago, winny said:

Seriously this girl sounds too much drama. She wants people like you to wait for weeks and months because she hasn’t healed from past relationships. How is this fair to you? Why would you put up with friendship when there are single girls out there on dating apps who want to date! And if she is so skeptical why is she talking to strangers like u online? And u talked to her dad???!!! Like what???!!! Thats so weird.. u haven’t even met her.. why u talked to her dad??!! I would say don’t wait on her. Your time is precious. Talk to other more open and available women.

I didn't have a full on conversation with her dad, she is of Asian decent and I speak mandarin, so one time while talking on the phone she was with her dad so I said hello to him in Chinese. That's it.

I'm not interested in going on dating apps or looking actively. I met this girl randomly and now after talking and getting to know her I've developed a crush. So taking it slow and seeing how it goes is fine with me. I don't intend to limit myself to other people but at the same time I am not actively looking either.

There is something with the past trauma but who doesn't have that? I can get her being cautious based on what I know of her past. As well with covid it makes it harder for us to meet up. We never set a time table on when would met, but have made plans on places to go and such when things open back up and my area covid restrictions loosen up. Which is fair as her dad is older and getting covid could result in death.

If I am to take what she says to be true she isn't talking to strangers other than me. I messaged her first and she was kinda skeptical about that too but for whatever reasons he gave me chance and she even told me she would ignore 99% of the people that msg her on that chat app. But we clicked and a friendship came from it.

She finally replied after i think 6 hours. Turns out she didn't get the notification which seems to happen sometimes with her phone. Whether its true or not is another thing.

Anyway I probably need to reassess this and see how to handle this as I feel im in to deep

January 23, 2021

6 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

Anyway I probably need to reassess this and see how to handle this as I feel im in to deep

All the signs point to her liking you too.

I'm in a similar situation currently and, without getting into details, find it emotionally taxing. When you're in so deep with someone you can't be with, it's maddening torture. You go back on every word, every conversation, you assume stuff that aren't there, your mind plays tricks on you because you miss them all the time.

My suggestion would be to try and get into contact at more regular times, to keep some consistency, reassure each other and build trust.

January 24, 2021

10 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

I didn't have a full on conversation with her dad, she is of Asian decent and I speak mandarin, so one time while talking on the phone she was with her dad so I said hello to him in Chinese. That's it.

I'm not interested in going on dating apps or looking actively. I met this girl randomly and now after talking and getting to know her I've developed a crush. So taking it slow and seeing how it goes is fine with me. I don't intend to limit myself to other people but at the same time I am not actively looking either.

There is something with the past trauma but who doesn't have that? I can get her being cautious based on what I know of her past. As well with covid it makes it harder for us to meet up. We never set a time table on when would met, but have made plans on places to go and such when things open back up and my area covid restrictions loosen up. Which is fair as her dad is older and getting covid could result in death.

If I am to take what she says to be true she isn't talking to strangers other than me. I messaged her first and she was kinda skeptical about that too but for whatever reasons he gave me chance and she even told me she would ignore 99% of the people that msg her on that chat app. But we clicked and a friendship came from it.

She finally replied after i think 6 hours. Turns out she didn't get the notification which seems to happen sometimes with her phone. Whether its true or not is another thing.

Anyway I probably need to reassess this and see how to handle this as I feel im in to deep

I think you need to stop overanalysing and take one step at a time.

See all that happened was she didn't get the notification...and you wasted your time thinking the worst!

January 24, 2021

4 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

All the signs point to her liking you too.

I'm in a similar situation currently and, without getting into details, find it emotionally taxing. When you're in so deep with someone you can't be with, it's maddening torture. You go back on every word, every conversation, you assume stuff that aren't there, your mind plays tricks on you because you miss them all the time.

My suggestion would be to try and get into contact at more regular times, to keep some consistency, reassure each other and build trust.

I certainty hope so? It feels like I haven't played the dating game for a long time and I am a bit less confident since I gain weight. we talk on 4 different apps which is kinda funny and she says im cute or handsome. sends kissy faces and stuff. I would hope that points to good signs? The key is to build trust which may take a while

16 minutes ago, peach302 said:

I think you need to stop overanalysing and take one step at a time.

See all that happened was she didn't get the notification...and you wasted your time thinking the worst!

looks like it lol

January 24, 2021

25 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

I certainty hope so? It feels like I haven't played the dating game for a long time and I am a bit less confident since I gain weight. we talk on 4 different apps which is kinda funny and she says im cute or handsome. sends kissy faces and stuff. I would hope that points to good signs? The key is to build trust which may take a while

looks like it lol

Always be confident in yourself..embrace who you are. It will attract those who you want to attract..in this case..the woman your thread is about.

Women don't tend to be attracted to insecure men ..they like confidence.

January 25, 2021

On 1/23/2021 at 9:35 AM, lionheart153 said:

I didn't have a full on conversation with her dad, she is of Asian decent and I speak mandarin, so one time while talking on the phone she was with her dad so I said hello to him in Chinese. That's it.

I'm not interested in going on dating apps or looking actively. I met this girl randomly and now after talking and getting to know her I've developed a crush. So taking it slow and seeing how it goes is fine with me. I don't intend to limit myself to other people but at the same time I am not actively looking either.

There is something with the past trauma but who doesn't have that? I can get her being cautious based on what I know of her past. As well with covid it makes it harder for us to meet up. We never set a time table on when would met, but have made plans on places to go and such when things open back up and my area covid restrictions loosen up. Which is fair as her dad is older and getting covid could result in death.

If I am to take what she says to be true she isn't talking to strangers other than me. I messaged her first and she was kinda skeptical about that too but for whatever reasons he gave me chance and she even told me she would ignore 99% of the people that msg her on that chat app. But we clicked and a friendship came from it.

She finally replied after i think 6 hours. Turns out she didn't get the notification which seems to happen sometimes with her phone. Whether its true or not is another thing.

Anyway I probably need to reassess this and see how to handle this as I feel im in to deep

Yes, you definitely need to put some brakes on your emotions at least until you meet her in person.

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