Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 14 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Why don't you stop trying to control how she feels about a place that she used to work at. It sounds like it was a bad experience for her and possibly a painful time in her life and she wants to put it all behind her. Even though you frequented the place as a customer, you have no idea what she may have been through or the life experiences she may have had. She feels the way she feels. It's not your place to say how she should feel about it. I get it. It is what it is. We had a good thing back then. But, perhaps I am only thinking about that from my end only. She placed a lot of trust in me. A dancer does not place that level of trust in just anyone. So, maybe I read too much into that. Maybe I took that to mean that she saw me differently. And maybe she did, at the time. But even still, that was back then. I do not regret having met her one bit. I enjoyed knowing her. So, I hold no ill will. And if she holds any towards me, then I know deep down that it really doesn't have anything to do with me personally. She wanted to get out of that, she did, and she is happy. I am happy for her. If she ever needs me for anything, I will be there. Now, granted, that's highly unlikely at best. But, I would help her if she ever reached out to me, no strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 14 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Why don't you stop trying to control how she feels about a place that she used to work at. It sounds like it was a bad experience for her and possibly a painful time in her life and she wants to put it all behind her. Even though you frequented the place as a customer, you have no idea what she may have been through or the life experiences she may have had. She feels the way she feels. It's not your place to say how she should feel about it. I get it. It is what it is. We had a good thing back then. But, perhaps I am only thinking about that from my end only. She placed a lot of trust in me. A dancer does not place that level of trust in just anyone. So, maybe I read too much into that. Maybe I took that to mean that she saw me differently. And maybe she did, at the time. But even still, that was back then. I do not regret having met her one bit. I enjoyed knowing her. So, I hold no ill will. And if she holds any towards me, then I know deep down that it really doesn't have anything to do with me personally. She wanted to get out of that, she did, and she is happy. I am happy for her. If she ever needs me for anything, I will be there. Now, granted, that's highly unlikely at best. But, I would help her if she ever reached out to me, no strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 23 minutes ago, Popeye_Jones said: I get it. It is what it is. We had a good thing back then. But, perhaps I am only thinking about that from my end only. She placed a lot of trust in me. A dancer does not place that level of trust in just anyone. So, maybe I read too much into that. Maybe I took that to mean that she saw me differently. And maybe she did, at the time. But even still, that was back then. I do not regret having met her one bit. I enjoyed knowing her. So, I hold no ill will. And if she holds any towards me, then I know deep down that it really doesn't have anything to do with me personally. She wanted to get out of that, she did, and she is happy. I am happy for her. If she ever needs me for anything, I will be there. Now, granted, that's highly unlikely at best. But, I would help her if she ever reached out to me, no strings attached. placed what level of trust? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 43 minutes ago, Popeye_Jones said: I get it. It is what it is. We had a good thing back then. But, perhaps I am only thinking about that from my end only. She placed a lot of trust in me. A dancer does not place that level of trust in just anyone. So, maybe I read too much into that. Maybe I took that to mean that she saw me differently. And maybe she did, at the time. But even still, that was back then. I do not regret having met her one bit. I enjoyed knowing her. So, I hold no ill will. And if she holds any towards me, then I know deep down that it really doesn't have anything to do with me personally. She wanted to get out of that, she did, and she is happy. I am happy for her. If she ever needs me for anything, I will be there. Now, granted, that's highly unlikely at best. But, I would help her if she ever reached out to me, no strings attached. It seems as though that is a time in her life she looks back on with shame and she judges herself far more harshly than anyone else might judge her. As soon as you sensed that she was not comfortable with your approach, you should have walked away. By continuing to engage her in a topic where she was clearly uncomfortable, you brought on her disdain. Then you posted here and kept driving your point home, that SHE was judgmental. No. She wants to close the door on that (probably painful) part of her life, for whatever reason, but you kept throwing salt in the wound by continually engaging her in conversation about it. For you to even think there is a chance she would ever reach out to you shows you are not very understanding of her feelings nor wishes. Let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, vla1120 said: It seems as though that is a time in her life she looks back on with shame and she judges herself far more harshly than anyone else might judge her. As soon as you sensed that she was not comfortable with your approach, you should have walked away. By continuing to engage her in a topic where she was clearly uncomfortable, you brought on her disdain. Then you posted here and kept driving your point home, that SHE was judgmental. No. She wants to close the door on that (probably painful) part of her life, for whatever reason, but you kept throwing salt in the wound by continually engaging her in conversation about it. For you to even think there is a chance she would ever reach out to you shows you are not very understanding of her feelings nor wishes. Let it go. Seriously? Look, you said some helpful things there. I appreciate that. But, if you go back and reread, you will see that I said SHOULD she ever reach out to me, as HIGHLY UNLIKELY as that is, then I'd help her if she asked. But, that is on the WAY off chance that she did. She won't, but I said that to show that I hold no ill will. Cool your jets there, killer. I'm seeing it differently now. The responses have helped me gain a whole other perspective. I'm grateful for the responses. Edited January 22, 2021 by Popeye_Jones Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 51 minutes ago, flitzanu said: placed what level of trust? Rides from work to a relatives house. I NEVER offered. She asked. She told me "I trust you". Her words. I never knew where she lived and I never asked, as I NEVER wanted to know. At times when I gave her a ride, she would have me drop her off at a relatives house and then she'd stay the night and the relative would take her home the next day. So, I mean, she placed such a high level trust in me without me ever making any sort of offer. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 4 hours ago, Popeye_Jones said: I was just wondering if she thinks that only she is capable of changing. I mean, the ones who are dancing currently. Who is to say that they won't be changed people in the future? Why are you giving her opinion so much time in your brain? You believe people can change (and I agree with you) so let go of her opinion and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 22, 2021 Author Share Posted January 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: Why are you giving her opinion so much time in your brain? You believe people can change (and I agree with you) so let go of her opinion and move on. I hear ya 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Popeye_Jones said: Rides from work to a relatives house. I NEVER offered. She asked. She told me "I trust you". Her words. I never knew where she lived and I never asked, as I NEVER wanted to know. At times when I gave her a ride, she would have me drop her off at a relatives house and then she'd stay the night and the relative would take her home the next day. So, I mean, she placed such a high level trust in me without me ever making any sort of offer. ok that's fair. that adds a big layer to the story, that you'd interacted outside of work. the way it reads was that you only interacted inside as a viewer, but you're right, her getting in a car with you is quite different. and, i say this as a person who has been in that exact same situation, i've made friends over the years with dancers and i was not entirely on your side with the story, but you definitely had an acquaintanceship it sounds like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) If you were to put this woman in a witness box in court and cross examine her, you might be able to extract some confession that her current behaviour towards you is not consistent with her behaviour while she was working as a dancer. You might even get an explanation along the lines people have already put forward of "I want to leave that part of my life behind." Maybe you'd get an apology from her for not wanting to know you any more when in the past she asked you for lifts in your car. You might not agree that it's right for her to now feel the way she does and to not want to be your friend, but she does feel that way - and that is that. People often do develop a strong judgement against a behaviour or lifestyle that they're trying to leave behind. If that judgement is helping her to build a new life that she's happier and more self respecting in then she's probably not going to prioritise the feelings a former customer has about it. From her perspective, you might well have been one of the nicer customers, but that's not necessarily saying much in an environment like that which may well be far more unpleasant to work in than you appreciate. Edited January 23, 2021 by Taramere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 3 hours ago, Taramere said: If you were to put this woman in a witness box in court and cross examine her, you might be able to extract some confession that her current behaviour towards you is not consistent with her behaviour while she was working as a dancer. You might even get an explanation along the lines people have already put forward of "I want to leave that part of my life behind." Maybe you'd get an apology from her for not wanting to know you any more when in the past she asked you for lifts in your car. You might not agree that it's right for her to now feel the way she does and to not want to be your friend, but she does feel that way - and that is that. People often do develop a strong judgement against a behaviour or lifestyle that they're trying to leave behind. If that judgement is helping her to build a new life that she's happier and more self respecting in then she's probably not going to prioritise the feelings a former customer has about it. From her perspective, you might well have been one of the nicer customers, but that's not necessarily saying much in an environment like that which may well be far more unpleasant to work in than you appreciate. For what it's worth, when I saw her again after all those years, I had wanted to focus on the here and now. How she was doing and how life was at present. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Wow, you want a honest answer? Reading most of this looks like you are in the wrong. You got to attached to a dancer in the club. And mafe up in your head that she was doing more then her job with you. Now you want her to still be a happy dancer with you years later....?!!!!! Look she clearly moved on from that job.Many that do that kind of job hope to stop after making certain money or goal. Its nothing they wanna be confronted with outside work either!!!! Same as if u are a criminal and your lawyer walk on you in the streets start catching up about your case.Or anyone that you only met because of your job. People dont wanna be bothered after work with costumers! Thats ehat you need to get.Even if it was mad cool at the desk when you was there. Beside you saying thanks to you she got money, well thats another reason why people dont wanna be bother by costumers ,so you wont say such stuff when they reject you! She give a service back then and you paid for to get it.So its nothing more then that! So you need to let go of your thinking that this people owe you anything after work! It was a job and its over!She owe you not even a hi. Same as you wont want her to walk on you if you got married now and are out with your kids and wife, talking about how you use to tip her anf act in there till midnight and so on...🙄👀😄😄😄😭 ✌🏽 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popeye_Jones Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Pumaza said: Wow, you want a honest answer? Reading most of this looks like you are in the wrong. You got to attached to a dancer in the club. And mafe up in your head that she was doing more then her job with you. Now you want her to still be a happy dancer with you years later....?!!!!! Look she clearly moved on from that job.Many that do that kind of job hope to stop after making certain money or goal. Its nothing they wanna be confronted with outside work either!!!! Same as if u are a criminal and your lawyer walk on you in the streets start catching up about your case.Or anyone that you only met because of your job. People dont wanna be bothered after work with costumers! Thats ehat you need to get.Even if it was mad cool at the desk when you was there. Beside you saying thanks to you she got money, well thats another reason why people dont wanna be bother by costumers ,so you wont say such stuff when they reject you! She give a service back then and you paid for to get it.So its nothing more then that! So you need to let go of your thinking that this people owe you anything after work! It was a job and its over!She owe you not even a hi. Same as you wont want her to walk on you if you got married now and are out with your kids and wife, talking about how you use to tip her anf act in there till midnight and so on...🙄👀😄😄😄😭 ✌🏽 I saw her like a friend. If she would have been comfortable with it, I would like to have caught up. See how she’s doing in the present. She wasn’t comfortable with it. I get that. But...then she says “it’s ok” so....I kind of got mixed signals. Then she gave me mental whiplash by just laying into me. I mean, when she danced, she placed a HUGE level of trust in me by asking for rides from time to time. Keep in mind, I never offered. She asked. I was hesitant to do that. She said “you’d really be helping me out. Please reconsider”. So...I took that to mean that maybe she saw me a little different than other customers. However, I read too much into that. I see that now. Really and truly, her reaction had zero to do with me personally. It was the fact that the sight of me reopened some old wounds, since, unfortunately, the club is where we knew each other from. Had we known one another under different circumstances, who knows. It could have gone differently, perhaps. In the end, I was just the means to an end. She did what she had to do back then. I accept that. And I see now that it’s not me personally. She even told me “hey, l liked you fine. Shoot, you were fantastic. Couldn’t have asked for a better customer”. I should have paid more attention to the context. The past tense words said it all. It is what it is. She’s doing well now and I am happy for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cooley Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 (edited) Popeye, Popeye, Popeye.....tisk...tisk...A lot to unpack here, my guy. Ok...so.....you have some really good replies here. The gal was a dancer. WAS...past tense. Yeah, her behavior, post dancing, was highly inconsistent with what her behavior was back in the day. But...that's the thing about the old days. They are the OLD days. Things aren't like they were anymore. So, you say the two of you had no issues back then. I've seen people who always got along great suddenly not get along so great anymore. That happens, unfortunately. The thing is, people don't "have issues" with one another....until they do. But, the thing is, this female has no beef with you on a personal level. Just....try and understand that. Had any other former clients gone up to her and said "hi..remember me...yadda yadda yadda" guess what? SAME reaction! Dude, it's not like she's running around having a grand old time with her other former clients from back in those days. No! As someone else pointed out, her reaction had more to do with a sore spot that you hit upon. She does hold ill will, but NOT against you! Her ill will is against that whole time in her life, that line of work at that time, etc. She isn't looking down on you, so much as she is her past self. Again, I'm just reiterating what someone else told you. And...had you two known one another in some other capacity, the whole thing probably would have gone very differently. Unfortunately, it's the way you and her knew one another that's preventing any sort of reconnect. I mean, I get it. She placed a MASSIVE level of trust in you in asking for rides from you. She had to have felt extremely comfortable to do that. Dancers don't just hop in the car with anybody. So, I can understand why you kind of took a liberty by approaching her. You felt as if you may have been an exception, given that the two of you did have something outside of the club, albeit minimal. People on here are being too hard on you for that. And I can pretty much guarantee you this much as well. Former co-workers of her's (other gals she worked with back then) have probably approached her and said "hey, remember me, we used to dance at club such and such" and she probably gave them the cold shoulder too. Again....DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY!! I've see this type of thing happen before. It's very common. You are NOT alone. Hey bro, it's EASY to like a dancer like a friend. And unless you were just an absolute jerk and drunken idiot to a dancer, then it's easy to develop a closeness with them. And, you are right, all customers want to believe wholeheartedly that they were the exception. Well, there are no exceptions. Even for the good guys. You want to have fun with a dancer again? Just go back to the club and get you a current one. You can have that fun that you had with her again. It just won't be with her ever again. You are NOT a bad person. Don't let her reaction make you feel like one. And just remember, people come and go. Shoot, I've seen friendships that spanned 25 years or more go to crap in a short period of time. It takes surprisingly little for that to happen. So...let me leave you with this, my guy. If you remember NOTHING else from this, just know this...... HER REACTION WAS NOT PERSONAL....SO DON'T TAKE IT THAT WAY!! Edited January 25, 2021 by Cooley 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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