Breaking up when you still love each other

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

He does live in my country. He was a firefighter so we saw each other a few days a week. He worked the other days. When youve never seen a healthy relationship anywhere in your life and had to deal with so much negativity since he was young, he never knew how to handle his emotions. He def did not meet anyone else. 

You said in your previous posts that you two dated long distance for 2 years. So it’s very confusing the way you present this relationship. How can he be local if you two dated long distance for your entire relationship? That doesn’t make sense. 

[preciousgaucho]

Just now, Watercolors said:

You said in your previous posts that you two dated long distance for 2 years. So it’s very confusing the way you present this relationship. How can he be local if you two dated long distance for your entire relationship? That doesn’t make sense. 

It is confusing because we would always commute to each other. Whenever he was off work, he would try to see me. We would go a couple weeks at most without seeing each other, but then would go a few weeks together. Both based in California, so while it was long distance in that we relied a bunch on our phones, it wasn't that far of a distance. But we were never in the same place living together permanently. 

[Watercolors]

So you both live in California, in the same city. Sometimes you saw each other a few days a week. But you said for 2 years you dated long distance. It’s very misleading to write a blanket statement like that. It comes across like you two weren’t even seeing each other in person. 

Since he is a firefighter, he’s going to be emotionally traumatized on a daily basis due to that line of work. Not to mention his health from the smoke inhalation. Fire fighters have one of the most stressful jobs. More stressful than a police officer. 

Anyway. Knowing that now, my advice doesn’t change to you. You and he are on different paths. Spend this time healing after the breakup. Moving on with your life, is the best outcome for you. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

So you both live in California, in the same city. Sometimes you saw each other a few days a week. But you said for 2 years you dated long distance. It’s very misleading to write a blanket statement like that. It comes across like you two weren’t even seeing each other in person. 

Since he is a firefighter, he’s going to be emotionally traumatized on a daily basis due to that line of work. Not to mention his health from the smoke inhalation. Fire fighters have one of the most stressful jobs. More stressful than a police officer. 

Anyway. Knowing that now, my advice doesn’t change to you. You and he are on different paths. Spend this time healing after the breakup. Moving on with your life, is the best outcome for you. 

Totally, sorry if that was misleading. Yes, exactly. Couple that trauma with a troubled relationship with his family, he has never been able to deal with his emotions, or anyone elses, in a healthy way. I want to be with him and would do anything for him, when he deals with it. He said that could happen. I won't fawn over it, but we had this incredible love and connection. We were both crying during the break up. I just have to hope in my mind that maybe once he deals with this and becomes complete, he'll want to be back with the woman that he claims is the most incredible and wants to be with, but at the moment, just cant. 

[Lotsgoingon]

What you're going to find out either the easy way (if you keep your distance) or the hard way (if you insist on trying to be friends) is that you cannot be friends with an ex lover. Doesn't work. Friends means you can tell him that you went out on a date and slept with a new guy. 

Love is only part of what makes for a relationship. Capability is also required. As in capable of being in a relationship, capable of functioning. Relations really require two people to function on their own and in interaction with another person.

That "love" feeling you have--you're making too much of it. It'll die down. But this is not some unusual issue. All kinds of couples break up because despite loving each other, they are not compatible. 

[Watercolors]

21 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What you're going to find out either the easy way (if you keep your distance) or the hard way (if you insist on trying to be friends) is that you cannot be friends with an ex lover. Doesn't work. Friends means you can tell him that you went out on a date and slept with a new guy. 

Love is only part of what makes for a relationship. Capability is also required. As in capable of being in a relationship, capable of functioning. Relations really require two people to function on their own and in interaction with another person.

That "love" feeling you have--you're making too much of it. It'll die down. But this is not some unusual issue. All kinds of couples break up because despite loving each other, they are not compatible. 

OP, I bolded this last part because i see through your writing, that you refuse to accept that this is the end of this particular relationship. Letting go is hard. Letting go of your hopes for this relationship, is hard. I can see that. But you acknowledge that you know this relationship with him was not a healthy one for you or him, based on his lack of emotional attachment to you throughout the two years you dated each other. That's a HUGE red flag. Huge. 

Love is simply not a good enough reason to be with someone -- especially when they have so many problems that your ex-boyfriend has. You and he are just not compatible and as hard as that is for you to accept, it's the truth. He doesn't want to be, or can't be, in a relationship with you any longer. So, you need to really distance yourself from him. And that means, no social media contact. 

[Gaeta]

I know telling yourself that he'll come back to you makes it a little less painful. How long are you ready to wait? Two years? Five years? And during that time you do what, put your life on hold? Not let anyone else close to you? What if you still decide to wait and in 10-12 months you hear he has a new girlfriend?

See, the waiting option is not viable. 

You will get over him. The worse is the first 3 weeks then  it gets better a little each day.

 

[preciousgaucho]

51 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What you're going to find out either the easy way (if you keep your distance) or the hard way (if you insist on trying to be friends) is that you cannot be friends with an ex lover. Doesn't work. Friends means you can tell him that you went out on a date and slept with a new guy. 

Love is only part of what makes for a relationship. Capability is also required. As in capable of being in a relationship, capable of functioning. Relations really require two people to function on their own and in interaction with another person.

That "love" feeling you have--you're making too much of it. It'll die down. But this is not some unusual issue. All kinds of couples break up because despite loving each other, they are not compatible. 

We are compatible though. Once he deals with his emotional unavilability, then he'll be able to be capable of showing me his love. Def dont want to be friends

[preciousgaucho]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I know telling yourself that he'll come back to you makes it a little less painful. How long are you ready to wait? Two years? Five years? And during that time you do what, put your life on hold? Not let anyone else close to you? What if you still decide to wait and in 10-12 months you hear he has a new girlfriend?

See, the waiting option is not viable. 

You will get over him. The worse is the first 3 weeks then  it gets better a little each day.

 

I don't plan on waiting. Youre right tho and in that it is nice to feel like that could be an option. It seems silly to be that two people who are so compatible and love each other wouldnt end up being together eventually. it will get better and maybe ill move past that hope. but when i realize that i know ill be sad cause he is so amazing. 

[preciousgaucho]

27 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

OP, I bolded this last part because i see through your writing, that you refuse to accept that this is the end of this particular relationship. Letting go is hard. Letting go of your hopes for this relationship, is hard. I can see that. But you acknowledge that you know this relationship with him was not a healthy one for you or him, based on his lack of emotional attachment to you throughout the two years you dated each other. That's a HUGE red flag. Huge. 

Love is simply not a good enough reason to be with someone -- especially when they have so many problems that your ex-boyfriend has. You and he are just not compatible and as hard as that is for you to accept, it's the truth. He doesn't want to be, or can't be, in a relationship with you any longer. So, you need to really distance yourself from him. And that means, no social media contact. 

Yeah, i know. its only been a day, thats why. Its hard for me to accept though that once he BECOMES emotionally available and deals with his traumas, he wont want to return to a relationshop that was so amazing otherwise. I am going to distance of course because we both need to grow. But youre right it does bring me comfort knowing that if things were as good as we believed and we were the loves of our lives, that after our mutual growth and him dealing with his s***, we'll join back together again. 

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Yeah, i know. its only been a day, thats why. Its hard for me to accept though that once he BECOMES emotionally available and deals with his traumas, he wont want to return to a relationshop that was so amazing otherwise. I am going to distance of course because we both need to grow. But youre right it does bring me comfort knowing that if things were as good as we believed and we were the loves of our lives, that after our mutual growth and him dealing with his s***, we'll join back together again. 

This may be the first major relationship that you've had in your young life at 20 years old. Congratulations! There are many more "future" long-term relationship experiences that await you. How many? Nobody can say. 

It's only been one day since you and he broke up, so of course you're in the early stages of processing the separation from him emotionally. Everything hurts right now. It's easy to remember and focus on the good times, and sweep past the bad times the day after a breakup Everybody does that. Welcome to being human! You are totally normal! 

He will not go back to you. He won't. That is something you need to accept right now. You have no control over him, or his timeline for his own healing processes. The only person you have control over, is you and the decisions you make and actions you take. Right now, you are aswim in turbulent emotions as its only been a day since your breakup. You want to text him nonstop. You want him next to you. You need to see him. But. You can't. That's not the reality. 

You have broken up with a guy and your heart hurts. 

You two were NOT compatible. You both brought positives and negatives to this relationship. You both gave it a 2 year college try and...it failed. That's ok It happens. What did you learn about yourself from this experience? Every relationship we have teaches us something we didn't know about ourselves (which can be positive and negative). It can also remind us about our weaknesses and our strengths, especially when we ignore those parts of ourselves. Instead of spending the next few weeks obsessing about him and what he's doing. Spend this time reflecting about yourself and what this relationship has taught you. The good things and the bad things. Maybe it's shown you what you won't put up with in your next relationship. Maybe it's shown you what you enjoy about being in relationships. That's for you to explore. Use your healing time to focus on yourself. 

[preciousgaucho]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

This may be the first major relationship that you've had in your young life at 20 years old. Congratulations! There are many more "future" long-term relationship experiences that await you. How many? Nobody can say. 

It's only been one day since you and he broke up, so of course you're in the early stages of processing the separation from him emotionally. Everything hurts right now. It's easy to remember and focus on the good times, and sweep past the bad times the day after a breakup Everybody does that. Welcome to being human! You are totally normal! 

He will not go back to you. He won't. That is something you need to accept right now. You have no control over him, or his timeline for his own healing processes. The only person you have control over, is you and the decisions you make and actions you take. Right now, you are aswim in turbulent emotions as its only been a day since your breakup. You want to text him nonstop. You want him next to you. You need to see him. But. You can't. That's not the reality. 

You have broken up with a guy and your heart hurts. 

You two were NOT compatible. You both brought positives and negatives to this relationship. You both gave it a 2 year college try and...it failed. That's ok It happens. What did you learn about yourself from this experience? Every relationship we have teaches us something we didn't know about ourselves (which can be positive and negative). It can also remind us about our weaknesses and our strengths, especially when we ignore those parts of ourselves. Instead of spending the next few weeks obsessing about him and what he's doing. Spend this time reflecting about yourself and what this relationship has taught you. The good things and the bad things. Maybe it's shown you what you won't put up with in your next relationship. Maybe it's shown you what you enjoy about being in relationships. That's for you to explore. Use your healing time to focus on yourself. 

Totally. Thats a good point. I really can only control me. I can hope all I want for him to change and come back, but I need to control me. 

Whats hard is that I am focusing on the good and bad. But every bad moment I say "oh its because he was emotionally unavailable." So in my mind, once he fixes that, everything will be perfect. Because everything else was perfect. Our humor, values, goals, etc. I cant imagine having a better connection with anyone else. We like the same hobbies, dislike the same foods, it was crazy! So, its hard because in my mind, once he deals with his issues that made him emotionally unavailable, we will be better than ever. 

However, You're right. I can hope all I want but i cant control him or his healing process. 

I really appreciate what you said. Its just hard to think that all that love we had wont happen again. Because it wasnt perfect. But the reasons why it wasnt perfect was because of his emotional unavailability. So, I just like to hope that because we broke up for reasons unrelated to anything other than that, when he fixes that, he'll be ready to be in a relationship with me. I know its silly to think that, but it really did feel like that big love. 

I know i cant hope that will happen because that will prevent me from letting go. I'm trying to shift it to the mindframe that everythin happens for a reason, and if it was meant to be, we will be with each other after all of this. And if not, then at least when I realize that I''ll hopefully be good? Idk.

This is my heartbreak and we did so much for each other that its hard and hurts. I wish we almost went on a break so he could deal with this. And im graduating from college so its good i can make a decision based just for me and never have regrets. But god...it really did feel like soul mates, just at bad timing because of everything thats happened to him

[Watercolors]

Well, it's not really bad timing, I'm afraid. That's just a convenient excuse either he told you, or you tell yourself now, after the breakup, to justify the breakup. Timing in a relationship is an important factor for how successful a relationship is. But is it a dealbreaker? Not really, if both people really want to make things work. When "bad timing" comes up as an excuse to end a relationship, it's because the person doesn't want to try anymore. 

There will ALWAYS be outside factors that make being in a relationship difficult. Those factors can be anything and they never actually disappear. When couples are truly soul mates, they don't allow those factors to interfere in their relationship. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and they had plenty of "factors" challenge their love for each other. Yet, because they were truly committed to each other, they addressed all of those "factors" together. 

Your ex-boyfriend just didn't want to put in the effort in your relationship anymore. When a guy is interested, nothing gets in his way. Nothing. Not family problems. Not work schedules. Not even health problems. Literally, nothing gets in the way (well, maybe a jail sentence does but that's beside the point). 

Your ex-boyfriend just realized after two years with you, that he didn't see you as someone he wanted to be with long-term. And while that's not ok for you, b/c that's not what you wanted, it's ok for him. If he really was your soul mate, he wouldn't have listed all of those excuses as barriers to sustaining the relationship with you. 

If he does come back, there's no way you can control that happening. Since you are graduating from college, now is the time for you to focus on that. Don't fall into the post-break-up pattern of dwelling for too long. It's normal to dwell a little bit after a breakup, b/c the ego is bruised pretty hard. After all, rejection stinks. But, you need to stay focused on the present. What will you do to improve your life now? What are your plans for after college?

Will you take a gap year and travel somewhere? Do an internship in another state or will you take a fun vacation with friends? Those are what you should focus on. Not him. He is in the rearview mirror of your relationship history now. Leave him there. If he decides to come back, you need to be focused on yourself, happy with your life. There is nothing more unattractive to a man, than a desperate woman who is doing nothing with her life, but pining for a man who has no interest in her anymore. 

[preciousgaucho]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well, it's not really bad timing, I'm afraid. That's just a convenient excuse either he told you, or you tell yourself now, after the breakup, to justify the breakup. Timing in a relationship is an important factor for how successful a relationship is. But is it a dealbreaker? Not really, if both people really want to make things work. When "bad timing" comes up as an excuse to end a relationship, it's because the person doesn't want to try anymore. 

There will ALWAYS be outside factors that make being in a relationship difficult. Those factors can be anything and they never actually disappear. When couples are truly soul mates, they don't allow those factors to interfere in their relationship. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and they had plenty of "factors" challenge their love for each other. Yet, because they were truly committed to each other, they addressed all of those "factors" together. 

Your ex-boyfriend just didn't want to put in the effort in your relationship anymore. When a guy is interested, nothing gets in his way. Nothing. Not family problems. Not work schedules. Not even health problems. Literally, nothing gets in the way (well, maybe a jail sentence does but that's beside the point). 

Your ex-boyfriend just realized after two years with you, that he didn't see you as someone he wanted to be with long-term. And while that's not ok for you, b/c that's not what you wanted, it's ok for him. If he really was your soul mate, he wouldn't have listed all of those excuses as barriers to sustaining the relationship with you. 

If he does come back, there's no way you can control that happening. Since you are graduating from college, now is the time for you to focus on that. Don't fall into the post-break-up pattern of dwelling for too long. It's normal to dwell a little bit after a breakup, b/c the ego is bruised pretty hard. After all, rejection stinks. But, you need to stay focused on the present. What will you do to improve your life now? What are your plans for after college?

Will you take a gap year and travel somewhere? Do an internship in another state or will you take a fun vacation with friends? Those are what you should focus on. Not him. He is in the rearview mirror of your relationship history now. Leave him there. If he decides to come back, you need to be focused on yourself, happy with your life. There is nothing more unattractive to a man, than a desperate woman who is doing nothing with her life, but pining for a man who has no interest in her anymore. 

Its a hard pill to bite because I do think so highly of him and have been through so much with him. He is a firefighter, his mother in rehab, bunch of other factors so I do try to understand that like that did make him harden up at the end of the day and it made him incapable of doing both. I have to accept that whether thats true, or just an excuse, either way he chose not to stay. Its hard to accept he wasnt that person though because I always am trying to understand and be empathetic. I feel like it could be easier to move on if I couldnt' say oh all of our problems are because of that. But, even though they are, I still must move on without him in mind. And that sucks. Cause we really were a good match. Thank you for your feedback. Im waiting for the grief to hit tbh..

[preciousgaucho]

3 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

Its a hard pill to bite because I do think so highly of him and have been through so much with him. He is a firefighter, his mother in rehab, bunch of other factors so I do try to understand that like that did make him harden up at the end of the day and it made him incapable of doing both. I have to accept that whether thats true, or just an excuse, either way he chose not to stay. Its hard to accept he wasnt that person though because I always am trying to understand and be empathetic. I feel like it could be easier to move on if I couldnt' say oh all of our problems are because of that. But, even though they are, I still must move on without him in mind. And that sucks. Cause we really were a good match. Thank you for your feedback. Im waiting for the grief to hit tbh..

 

13 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well, it's not really bad timing, I'm afraid. That's just a convenient excuse either he told you, or you tell yourself now, after the breakup, to justify the breakup. Timing in a relationship is an important factor for how successful a relationship is. But is it a dealbreaker? Not really, if both people really want to make things work. When "bad timing" comes up as an excuse to end a relationship, it's because the person doesn't want to try anymore. 

There will ALWAYS be outside factors that make being in a relationship difficult. Those factors can be anything and they never actually disappear. When couples are truly soul mates, they don't allow those factors to interfere in their relationship. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and they had plenty of "factors" challenge their love for each other. Yet, because they were truly committed to each other, they addressed all of those "factors" together. 

Your ex-boyfriend just didn't want to put in the effort in your relationship anymore. When a guy is interested, nothing gets in his way. Nothing. Not family problems. Not work schedules. Not even health problems. Literally, nothing gets in the way (well, maybe a jail sentence does but that's beside the point). 

Your ex-boyfriend just realized after two years with you, that he didn't see you as someone he wanted to be with long-term. And while that's not ok for you, b/c that's not what you wanted, it's ok for him. If he really was your soul mate, he wouldn't have listed all of those excuses as barriers to sustaining the relationship with you. 

If he does come back, there's no way you can control that happening. Since you are graduating from college, now is the time for you to focus on that. Don't fall into the post-break-up pattern of dwelling for too long. It's normal to dwell a little bit after a breakup, b/c the ego is bruised pretty hard. After all, rejection stinks. But, you need to stay focused on the present. What will you do to improve your life now? What are your plans for after college?

Will you take a gap year and travel somewhere? Do an internship in another state or will you take a fun vacation with friends? Those are what you should focus on. Not him. He is in the rearview mirror of your relationship history now. Leave him there. If he decides to come back, you need to be focused on yourself, happy with your life. There is nothing more unattractive to a man, than a desperate woman who is doing nothing with her life, but pining for a man who has no interest in her anymore. 

I read your point again to. Youre right. He said it himself. He didnt want to put in effort. He noticed that and told me. He said, why do I not want to? And he said that it is because he can't pour water from an empty cup. That he felt like he had to take care of everyone else. Unfortunately, I was the piece that he could let go of. He cant not take care of family, or his job. Youre right, he did not choose me. He said it was because he knew he wouldnt give me everything that I deserved, and when he works on himself, he hopefully will be able to give that like a normal boyfriend would. Essentially what he was saying is that he did want to be with me, but could not fulfill the duties of a boyfriend like he knew i deserved because of how incomplete he felt as a man because of issues that he has not addressed. Idk. I am rationalizing. Haha. Sucks. All I want is him to become a better man for himself AND for me. But i cant control that. and that sucks. If it was meant to be, then it will be. But I cant control that

Edited January 22, 2021 by preciousgaucho

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, preciousgaucho said:

 

I read your point again to. Youre right. He said it himself. He didnt want to put in effort. He noticed that and told me. He said, why do I not want to? And he said that it is because he can't pour water from an empty cup. That he felt like he had to take care of everyone else. Unfortunately, I was the piece that he could let go of. He cant not take care of family, or his job. Youre right, he did not choose me. He said it was because he knew he wouldnt give me everything that I deserved, and when he works on himself, he hopefully will be able to give that like a normal boyfriend would. Essentially what he was saying is that he did want to be with me, but could not fulfill the duties of a boyfriend like he knew i deserved because of how incomplete he felt as a man because of issues that he has not addressed. Idk. I am rationalizing. Haha. Sucks. All I want is him to become a better man for himself AND for me. But i cant control that. and that sucks. If it was meant to be, then it will be. But I cant control that

Eh, rationalizing is part of the grieving process. 2 years isn't 2 weeks or 2 months. So, you will grieve as long as you need to, before you've emotionally and mentally healed and are ready to try dating again. That's totally normal. I mean, you're still on day 1-2 now of a breakup. You've got a ways to go before you feel 100% better. Don't beat yourself up. 

And, at least he respected and loved you enough to tell you that he had to let you go, b/c out of all his priorities, his relationship with you just wasn't on that priority list anymore; it was more of an option toward the end. And option he chose to cut loose for whatever his reasons are, aside from his mother and his stressful job. He could have just ghosted you after 2 years, if he were a total jerk. At least he respected your feelings enough to tell you the truth. So, there is that. He's a good guy. He just can't be your boyfriend anymore for reasons only he knows. 

You will be fine. Life does continue. I remember my first long-term relationship in college and how horrible i felt after it ended. I ran into him 5 years later and he had married and had an affair on his wife, and she divorced him. LOL So, bullet dodged in hindsight! 😂 

Chin up. You'll be ok!

[preciousgaucho]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Eh, rationalizing is part of the grieving process. 2 years isn't 2 weeks or 2 months. So, you will grieve as long as you need to, before you've emotionally and mentally healed and are ready to try dating again. That's totally normal. I mean, you're still on day 1-2 now of a breakup. You've got a ways to go before you feel 100% better. Don't beat yourself up. 

And, at least he respected and loved you enough to tell you that he had to let you go, b/c out of all his priorities, his relationship with you just wasn't on that priority list anymore; it was more of an option toward the end. And option he chose to cut loose for whatever his reasons are, aside from his mother and his stressful job. He could have just ghosted you after 2 years, if he were a total jerk. At least he respected your feelings enough to tell you the truth. So, there is that. He's a good guy. He just can't be your boyfriend anymore for reasons only he knows. 

You will be fine. Life does continue. I remember my first long-term relationship in college and how horrible i felt after it ended. I ran into him 5 years later and he had married and had an affair on his wife, and she divorced him. LOL So, bullet dodged in hindsight! 😂 

Chin up. You'll be ok!

Thank you. Im hoping soon I'll get enough distance from it to stop talking about it on this site lol. Like I'll talk about my feelings enough that I suddently just one day won't feel them anymore. Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like yes, he does have some issues, but also that the relationship simply ran its course for him. 

It is not wise to excuse everything away as "emotionally unavailable" - that may be true about some things, but people often try to label other behaviour that way when it's actually just fading interest in the relationship. He may have unresolved trauma but he may also just not know how to be honest with you that he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, despite what he's telling you. A lot of dumpers have a hard time being totally honest so they try to "soften" the breakup with comforting words. I did the same thing myself when I was much younger and less mature. I didn't realize how much false hope it gave the guy I was breaking up with. 

Either way, know that relationships that begin when you're in your teens are usually the precursor for the bigger and better ones to come later in adulthood. 

[preciousgaucho]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like yes, he does have some issues, but also that the relationship simply ran its course for him. 

It is not wise to excuse everything away as "emotionally unavailable" - that may be true about some things, but people often try to label other behaviour that way when it's actually just fading interest in the relationship. He may have unresolved trauma but he may also just not know how to be honest with you that he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, despite what he's telling you. A lot of dumpers have a hard time being totally honest so they try to "soften" the breakup with comforting words. I did the same thing myself when I was much younger and less mature. I didn't realize how much false hope it gave the guy I was breaking up with. 

Either way, know that relationships that begin when you're in your teens are usually the precursor for the bigger and better ones to come later in adulthood. 

Yeah, I get that. I dont know. It just doesnt feel like that. Like his sister texted me the day after we broke up explaining the situation. My ex never cries EVER and cried to her about how he felt like overwhelmed. I think I am just one less thing to worry about, as him not being there made him feel guilty. I dont think it ran is course, as he professed his love during the break up and he kept saying he wanted to be with me. Idk. I really do think he knew that given his present state he just couldnt give me what i needed, and instead of being able to BE that person, he needs to deal with the things that prevented him from being able to be that person. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, preciousgaucho said:

 I dont think it ran is course, as he professed his love during the break up and he kept saying he wanted to be with me.

A lot of dumpers do that, unfortunately. 

It's going to take time to process, and no doubt it hurts a lot right now. But maybe you can elaborate for us - in which ways did he shut down while you were dating? Did he not respond to messages/calls, avoided making plans, or? 

[princessaurora]

I've been on both ends of this with the same guy so let me share with you. 

My now  husband had a girlfriend he had been with for several years. She lived a few hours away but his second year of college he attended the same school as her so they could be together all the time.  Their relationship seemed perfect. They'd known each other since childhood, were always together, and did really sappy stuff like love letters, photo calendars, you name it. Towards the end of the year, she decided she wanted to move back home and wanted him to transfer to the college there because they loved each other  so much. He didn't care for her home college  and decided  to move back home. He wanted to stay in the relationship and see each other on weekends. but she didn't trust that he would remain faithful to her, even though he swore he would, so they made the decision to break up. They had this amazing last weekend  together where they made love all night and cried about how much they were going to miss each other, but still moved forward with the break up. A week later,  he attended her going away party and met me ( i was there with a guy i was dating) . We had an instant connection and were both moving back to the same city. He called me as soon as we moved back home and we were in a relationship in a little over a month. His ex stayed in touch with him as friends and so she always knew what was going on with us.  

It was a constant push and pull with her trying to reel him back in her life as her boyfriend, but he had moved on and was happy with me so he declined. She was persistent though and finally drove a wedge between us four years into our relationship. He told me he loved me but still had alot of love for her since they knew each other so long. I let him go and he moved to her town, but kept in touch with me just like he did all those years with her.  Since we remained  friends, I visited him every few months and whenever I was up there,  we went at it like rabbits, even though he told her he wasn't sleeping with me anymore.  Eventually, she wisened up to his cheating and broke it off, but still kept in touch with him.  He cried like a baby right on my shoulder (pretty effed up, right?) , and told me he loved me too and that's why he continued to sleep with both of us, but was in no position to be the boyfriend I deserved and needed. He asked for time because  he was not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone, but wanted to remain friends. Soon after that,  he started sleeping with a bunch of other girls. Being we were still friends I had to hear all about it from both him, his friends, and even his dad. At first, I tolerated it, telling myself it was just a phase and if  I stuck by him, he'd  come back to me,  but the night he left me at his house to go hook up with one of those girls, I finally came to my senses. It was like an instant epiphany.  I was better than that, so how I could I be so stupid to put up with it. I had men asking me out left and right, and I was settling for this? I left his house before he got back and cut off all contact with him.  He fought tooth and nail to pull me back into his life, but I knew if I gave in again, I'd end up right back where I was, so I moved on with my life and started dating other guys. He left messages on my phone all the time , even showed up at my workplace and I had my boss throw him out.  I still loved him, but I wasn't going to allow myself to be demoted from his long term girlfriend to one of his many floozies, even though I still believe he was my soulmate.  I kept tabs on him through his dad and a few friends of his I had grown very close to. We all agreed It was like we didn't even know the person he had become. 

Eventually, he left  me a message he was moving back to the town where his ex was to try again with her and that lasted a few months. They broke up  for good finally, but he didn't move back because he had established a great job there. We had been nc for almost a year at this point, but I hadn't met a guy I felt as strongly as I did for him, so I decided to pick up the phone one day when he called. He invited me up and we started dating again. Within a few months, he changed jobs,  moved back home , we got engaged and were married in less than a year. We've been married for over 20 years now. 

I'm sharing this with you to show you how his ex and myself handled the situation differently.  She remained in his life for years while he pursued a relationship with me and for a short while others, but ultimately she ended up losing him. I went down the same road as her at first, but then realized I was too good to be treated that way and  he'd never truly appreciate my worth until he completely lost me. I know you want to stay in his life as a friend, but trust me, this will only put you on the back burner and it will kill you emotionally when he starts dating others. It was one of the most grueling mental experiences I've ever endured and I wish I would have walked away alot sooner. As you can see with my situation, sometimes things do work out the way you want them to in the end, but I firmly believe me walking away is what made him realize what he was losing,  The only chance you have of getting him back anytime in the future is to go no contact. I know it's cliche, but if it's meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other one day. It's not the typical scenario though, so don't bank on it. Mine is just one of those rare instances. Usually you move on with your life  and eventually you fall in love with someone else and commit to each other, someone that will make themselves available to you physically and emotionally. I know it's hard after two years, but I did it after twice as long, so you need to find the strength. He is not in a position to give you the love and affection you deserve so do not sell yourself short.  You're too young to waste your time on a guy who is not ready to give himself wholeheartedly when there are so many others out there that will. Give yourself a little time to grieve the loss of the relationship and then get back out there and find a man who will give himself to you 100%. 

Good luck:) 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

We are compatible though. Once he deals with his emotional unavilability, then he'll be able to be capable of showing me his love. Def dont want to be friends

What steps is he taking to improve himself so he can be the person you want?

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, preciousgaucho said:

We are compatible though. Once he deals with his emotional unavilability, then he'll be able to be capable of showing me his love. Def dont want to be friends

You are deluding yourself.  You are doing anything & everything to hold on to the smallest things to give yourself hope & avoid the pain you are feeling from the break up.

First, you both live in California & were seeing each other regularly for two years.  You were never long distance so please stop saying that you were.  The fact that you didn't live together doesn't make it long distance.  IMO, to be long distance means you lived more than a 4 hour drive apart or needed a plane to see each other. 

When he figures out himself, he will want another woman.  Sorry but that is just how these things work.  When broken people heal they don't go back to dating the person they were with when they were emotionally screwed up.  They move forward to a new person with whom they are more compatible now that they are healthy. 

When he continues to say he loves you he no longer means it in a romantic way.  He says it to soften the blow of the break up.  He means he thinks you are a wonderful person & he hates being the source of your pain.  If he still loved you romantically he would not have broken up with you.

As much as you are in pain, it will eventually pass.  There are some universal steps to your own healing: 

1.  Accept it's over & stop holding out hope for reconciliation

2.  Grieve the end of the relationship. 

3.  Surround yourself with supportive friends & family (not his friends & family)   You will have to explain to his sister that talking to her is too painful. 

4.  Go NC on all platforms, including no longer talking to his sister.  Disconnect on social media 

5.  Purge your life of the mementos.  If you can't throw them out, box them up.  Include photos

6.  Rearrange your life & routine.  Move some furniture around in your house.  Get new sheets.  Buy some throw pillows & plant.  Just make your space visually different from when he was in it.

7.  Exercise.  You need the positive endorphins that come from movement.

8.  Redirect.  Throw yourself into school, work or past hobbies.  Get new ones.  Keep yourself intellectually challanged

Hang in there. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

preciousgaucho: Firefighters have all sorts of therapists and psychologists at their disposal to deal with their demons. If he were serious about working on his issues he would have taken that route. He's just not feeling it anymore. 

I want to join my voice to the others that said often people will tell us they love us while they break up just to ease the blow. The night my ex and I broke up he told me 100s times he loved me and didn't want to lose me. The following day he wouldn't pick up my calls. You need to let the days go by and you'll see clearer. You'll also see how fast he'll go from 'loving you' to going on with his life. I am sorry I know it hurts to hear it. Stay with us we will walk through it with you. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Firefighters have all sorts of therapists and psychologists at their disposal

If he's a California fire fighter this isn't all they have at their disposal but women fall at their feet.  I swear it must be a prerequisite to be really good looking to be a policeman or firefighter there.  OP, I myself have used the "I need to get my head, life and money together", "I'm not good enough for you", "my grandma died and I have to get over it", excuses when I was single and wanted to move on.  It is hand wringing to the dumper to hurt someone you once loved or someone who is a good person.  There is just no good way to break up with someone and not hurt them so you put the blame on yourself and your short comings.  The main point is they no longer want to be with you anymore even if they still feel love for you in their heart.