LostInLife Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 (this post ended up extremely huge, and it made me realize how much hatred I must have inside of me to make me write all of this.. don't read unless you have plenty of time) Hello everyone, I'm a guy in his mid-twenties facing serious depressions about life all due to my relationship. I'm not a person that normally visits these kind of forums or talk about my emotions to people, but I'm in dire need of some advice even though I know that no advice can get me out of my situation. This is all really about my relationship, but there are some things I have to say first for it all to make sense. I come from what I would call a normal middle class family that is very closed when it comes to talking about emotions to each other. I'm just raised in that way and thus it's hard for me to talk about feelings with people but I have no problems with being like that. The only way I've ever suffered from it is in my lovelife in my teens. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 20 years old, partly because I was one of those people being picked on at school. I'm over those things emotionally, but it put marks in how I turned out as a person. My father had issues with alcohol when I was growing up and he could become quite violent, a few times even with my mother so they split up when I was 16. He's a good guy today though, I think he learned his lesson. Anyway, I was a happy child in general, but when I started those vital years in one's development from 12 and on they were yelling a lot to each others. I mean, a lot, lot more than they had ever did before. Almost daily. I stopped inviting people over because I couldn't cope with having people listen to them. Even when I was alone though I tried to disconnect from their yelling but it's not an easy thing to do. Again though these things left their marks in me. I wasn't the best child I would say, but I would guess that most children do some crappy things that they still regret even when they've become adults. I did some thieving, like stealing candy, toys and a couple of video games. I did these things around the age of 9-12. I'm not proud of it, and I suffered greatly from it because I got caught a couple of times and since I'm coming from a small town, everyone found out about it. It made it really difficult for me to face a lot of people and so I avoided a lot of people due to my shame. I can count on my hands the number of friends I've had in my life, and today it wouldn't even cover one of them. Well, these are some of the reasons as to why I ended up being who I am. I spent a lot of time alone in my room, where I had my only way of escaping reality and which was just about the only thing that made me feel good: the computer. It made me company, made me disconnect from the world I hated and it kept me entertained. The good things in my life especially as a child that I enjoyed was the freedom I had. My parents weren't very restrictive or controlling and it was no problem for me to stay late at one of my few friends' places. Neither was it a problem for me to be awake late in the evenings even though I had school the next day, I could sleep in the couch if I wanted, I could watch TV all days and I could eat whatever whenever. I was free to do just about anything as a kid. Some might say that my parents gave me too much freedom in a few ways, but I was a very responsible child when it came to studies and anything related to my family. I had a lot of freedom so to speak and I guess that's something that always made me happy. I like to be able to do whatever I want. Who doesn't? As I grew older though just like any other teenager when you reach 19 you want to move out. My parents had separated a few years before, I got my first job and thus I could afford my own place. This was the beginning of a good period in my life. My freedom was complete. I value that extremely highly. Except for my boring job, my life was the computer, my two friends and my family. It was all I had and it was all I needed at that time, along with my freedom. I was happy, but I felt like there was just one thing missing in my life, something I had been longing for my whole life: a girlfriend. After being picked on in school and all that I had no self esteem whatsoever. I felt determined to find someone though, and eventually I did. I had contact with a girl from another continent through internet and phone. This was much easier on me in the beginning because I felt like I could say whatever I wanted. I was just talking to a person I would never meet anyway, and it was the first girl I had ever been able to talk to like that. The thing is though that we fell in love with each other, and talked to each other daily. Being culturally very different was an exciting and interesting thing. Everything evolved into a dead serious relationship. This was the beginning of a new life for me and nothing would ever remain the same. Off to a good start, at least. Well, after many months she decided to come visit me for a long period, after which we ended up living together permanently. We had some collisions due to us being completely different people, but we stayed together because we believed in the relationship and we are both people that want to work things out whenever there's a problem, it's just that we don't usually do it very smoothly. We early on agreed on three things though: in a relationship there is nothing more important than trust and honesty, and also that we both hated arguments and were not the kind of people that yell at their partner. It turned out to be untrue though. Now here is where things are getting complicated and I barely know where to start so I'm just going to put it all up topic-wise with each topic stating one of the issues I feel we are having. I don't want to make this look like an essay but I don't know how otherwise to get all this through to whoever is reading without making it a mess to read and understand. Differences between us We are very different people. We are from completely different cultures and lifestyles. She's a big city party girl while I'm a small-town-stay-home-to-relax person. This was the first major thing we had issues with. I had to go out a lot even though I didn't want to, and she had to stay home more than she wanted. In the beginning we went out 2-3 times per week, which was a dramatic change for me. I never used to drink alcohol, but today I'm so used to drink that I take my own initiative to drink sometimes (to calm my nerves usually because of our issues). The biggest difference is though that I want to do it at home, while she wants to go out 'to see people'. She always wants to do things outside, while I want to just stay home. We try to compromise, but it feels like we can't both be happy. She is also so into doing everything together that she just about never ever goes out alone. I must go with her even for the smallest things. I'm a calm person and I hate yelling and negativity. Well, at least I used to be a calm person. Nowadays I seem to be too filled with anger. Trust and honesty Very early on this got a negative hit. Since we were so open with each other over the net and phone early on when we didn't think we would ever meet each other, we had already shared a lot of our deepest thoughts and secrets. We both felt like we could trust each other 100%, but I found out that this was not the case. In our first night together, as we were kissing, she made a comment about me being a good kisser (I can't repeat what she said in case she visits these forums). Being the first time I ever kissed someone, I felt like it was going really well, too. She repeated the same comment many times over the night and next few days and it used to be one of my strongest confidence boosts I've ever had in my life. I will never forget it, and it made me feel good when I thought about that comment for months after. Then there was one day though when she was not home that she had left her email website logged in and open. I know it's a rude thing to do, but being as close to each other as we were, I sat down and looked at the people and topics of some of her emails. I didn't read any actual email until I found one with a suspicious topic (can't remember the topic today). So I clicked it and found something terrible. The date of the email was a few days prior to the time she had came to visit me for the first time, and in the end of the email from a guy was a comment that said exactly the same thing about her being a good kisser that she had complemented me with. I felt terrible about this, because it seemed obvious to me that she had been kissing some guy just a few days before she came to visit me, he had given her a complement that she apparently liked and later used on me. After this, I was trying to tell myself that somehow I had got it all wrong, or that it was just something that happened before we had me face to face (even though we were declared to have a relationship many months before she visited me). I never spoke to her about it, and have always tried to forget. A couple of years later, something else happened. She went out on her own, because I absolutely wasn't in the drink-and-go-out mood and she insisted on going out. So in the end she went alone (big mistake, I know). She was going to party with people from her college anyway so I felt like I didn't belong much with my anti-social behaviour. Anyway, we said that she shouldn't be out very late and be home around midnight. Well, at 2 am I get a phone call. She says that she's at a GUY's (!) place drinking and talking. I'm like wtf are you doing at a guy's place? She says she's gonna come home very soon and that I shouldn't worry. She would be home in just a bit. Well, at 5 am she finally comes home, drunk like never before. I decide not to talk to her so much about it until the next day. Not much gets through anyway when you talk to someone being very drunk. The next day I show how upset I am, and tell her that she shouldn't ever, ever go home to a guy's place again. A few months later it happens again. She goes out, then come home very late. I'm pissed off and say I told you, never ever do that and make myself very clear that I don't accept that behaviour. She understands, agrees and says it won't happen again. Another few months later when we live in another city, she goes out again but this time with a friend. This time, she doesn't come home early either, and I try to call her the whole evening on her cell without getting an answer. She comes home at around 3 am, saying she had been at a guy's place talking and drinking some. I'm furious about it, saying that I've told her about this before and that I will not accept such a thing again. I don't know if she acts ignorant or if she really is ignorant, but she says 'yeah I know you told me but you don't have to worry'. How can I be sure though? I do trust her, but anyway. Some months later on we decide to get extremely drunk and then go out. The problem is that I get myself so drunk that I get sick and throw up repeatedly before we even left home. She is also extremely drunk but not passing out like me, but she is yelling at me that I'm ruining the evening if I don't get up and go out. She ends up leaving me on the bathroom floor and then goes out alone. I somehow take myself to bed where I pass out, and I wake up at 5 am when she comes home. To shorten this a bit, she tells me she went to a common friend's place and he took her home, but the next day I find out that she was lying. She had actually been to the same guy's place again as a few months before. I was on the verge of breaking up right there, but I didn't. I forgave her, and she has barely touched alcohol ever since. The thing is that I feel like my trust to her is broken. I honestly don't think she slept with any of these guys, but to not know for sure really kills me. I feel like I can't travel and leave her for a weekend because she has ruined my trust for her. I don't like it to say the least. It took me a few years to realize, but I do know that she lies and exaggerates about some smaller things. Nationalism This part is so tedious and frustrating. She is extremely nationalistic, yet she says she hates nationalistic people. She said many times that she thinks her country is 'the best country in the world', and then she talks crap about almost any other country. Especially mine, that we live in. She loves to look on the net to find as many bad things as possible about my country, and then tell them to me. She also loves to talk crap about it to as many people as possible, and there's nothing better for her than when I can hear her discussion. I would say I hear anything between 3 to 20 bad comments about my country every day, even things that are complete lies, illusions, or just simply her own made-up opinion just so she can make me feel worse about my country. I wish I knew why she's doing this. She tries to brag, exaggerate and sometimes even lie about how great things are with her own country. There was a period when I got so tired of this that I started to do the same thing towards her, although still much lighter. After giving her a few comments per week, it took only a few weeks for her to be so upset about my comments that she nearly broke up with me. She told me to never talk crap about her country ever again. After this, she became even worse in her own comments. I don't say anything back, but inside this makes me so furious. She does not treat me farily. I hear a lot like "Europe sucks because it's the old world", "America is the NEW world so it's amazing". She also claims to hate the U.S., but still she draws as many parallels between her own country and the U.S. as possible if it's a good thing. Doesn't matter if she needs to make things up though. I hear how people are ugly in my country, everyone also looks the same. People are socially retarded, ugly, nazi and unfriendly. Women are sluts. Health, economy, education, politics, buildings, prices and public service all sucks. Food is terrible, commercials are awful (her country's commercials are the best in the world..), the language is poor, illogical and ugly and people don't know how to treat each other. If they show a person on TV, could be anyone but especially models, they look terrible because of this and that. News readers and weather girls dress bad, interviewers ask stupid questions and the newspapers are full of silly and stupid news, but she wants me to translate any news that are bad for my country. Any company or products related to my country that she happens to see is terrible because it tastes bad, looks awful or has poor quality, while anything related to her own country is always good and the best in the world no matter what it is. The culture is bad, the traditions are awful and the long history of the country is bad because that means people have too many traditions. I live in a rich west European country, but well, nothing like the NEW world I guess. I'm also a sports fan when it comes to international events on TV, but it's so hard for me to enjoy a lot of it nowadays because she sits in the couch with me saying how much everyone is sucking in my team with every mistake they happen to do. When her teams are playing on the other hand, they're simply amazing no matter how they're actually doing. She pretends she is cheering for my team, but it's obvious what she really feels since her mood goes way up when my team loses, and way down when they win. Ok I put up with these things daily for no reason and I have to say it's getting on my nerves. Freedom Ok I will be shorter from now on. I realize this is getting very long. Anyway, I've said it a few times: I value my freedom very highly. The thing about her is that she's very controlling. When I was working and had about 6 hours of spare time every day, she would tell me what to do on average three of those hours every day. The remaining three went to taking care of everyday home things as well as the computer. Of course, me being used to spend almost every single hour of the day at the computer, this was extremely depressing for me. Time was not enough. Nowadays I'm not working, but am looking for a job. She studies on average 4 hours a day. About two days a week I wake up a couple of hours before she gets home, again I spend this time at the computer because I'm taking any chances I get. I'm usually 'allowed' to sit there an hour or two more until she demands that I watch TV with her until she goes to bed. When she goes, I go to the computer, usually tired, because I know the nights are my best chance to sit there (like right now). The thing is that she hates when I sit here, but it's my one and only hobby and passion. When she comes home, it takes mere seconds before she says 'let's eat'. If I say 'I'm not hungry', she tells me to eat anyway. So off I go. After dinner, she tells me to watch TV with her. If I don't, she usually gets pissed off at me. So there I am usually watching crap on TV that I don't want to see, while my mind constantly drifts to what I want to do at the computer. I simply have too little time there to satisfy my needs. Yesterday for example, I didn't touch the computer save for 20 mins. The rest was spent watching TV and channels of her choice. Today, I spent an hour at the computer until she said 'let's go watch TV'. I said, 'I don't want to watch TV'. She says nothing, but since I know her so well, I can tell that she's getting upset. So I go watch TV after all. I sit down, grab the remote and actually find something I want to watch. Tennis. Since she doesn't like sports so much, she says she doesn't want to watch that and changes channel. This might seem like small things to you, but when you live through this for two years you start to get quite frustrated I tell you. I say nothing and go back to the computer. 4 hours later I go to the livingroom to watch TV with her, but apparently she won't even talk to me. She's pissed off. I can't say no to her to almost anything or she will be upset. She never says, 'do you want to go shop tomorrow?'. Instead it is, 'tomorrow we're going to shop at 10 am'. If I fall asleep in the couch and she wakes up in the bedroom at a random time of the night and sees I'm not there, she will call for me to go to bed. I explain to her that I like sleeping in the couch sometimes, I sleep really well there, she will just say that I'm not supposed to sleep there. I should go to bed. So that's that. If she's hungry, I'm usually 'forced' to eat with her. I mean WITH her. God forbid that I eat somewhere else in the apartment. If a science-fiction, fantasy or action movie is on TV that I want to watch and convince her to watch, she during the whole movie has a need to show how uninterested she is. One way she does this is by talking A LOT, which completely ruins the movie for me. If I say 'I'm trying to watch the movie honey', she will get mad with me because I basically tell her that she's talking too much. Since our relationship started, I have not been able to enjoy one movie that doesn't fit her taste. She also keeps telling me what I should and must do. If it's something she finds important, I could not possibly disagree. If it's something I find important and she disagrees, I could not possibly stick to my own opinion if she has another view on it. If something has to be done outside our home, I must go with her. She barely sets foot outside unless I go with her. If I say I'm not up for going out today, that could very well mean anger towards me for the rest of the day, or even longer. Her idea of a relationship is that we should do everything together at all times. If I spend too many hours of a day with something else, then it's really bad. God forbid that I would go to someone's place for over 5 hours. Also, I could not possibly go visit someone for a few hours two days in a row. That's simply too much. So if I do visit a friend, (which I barely ever did during our relationship.. basically had to give that up) I have to make sure that I call her once or twice during the period I'm there. If I don't, she will either call me (and be upset) or if she doesn't call, she will be upset with me when I come home because I didn't call (even though she knows where I am). If I'm travlling, I need to call her at least once per day. I can understand that. What I don't understand and can't accept is if I decide to call in the evening, she often calls me before that being angry with me because I didn't call. I try to explain that I intended to call later, but her attitude is that I had no intention of calling and that I have no desire to talk to her. Here is when I wonder, am I the a__hole here that am sick and tired of how I have to live my life or is she actually being too controlling? She keeps telling me that no other woman would treat me any better, but I know that can't be true. At the same time, she loves me, so that's why she wants to spend time with me. But it's killing me, and I can't tell her anything because every time I've tried she's ended up being pissed off at me, barely talking to me for a couple of days. Maybe I am the problem though, not her. Or maybe we both are. Though it can't be good that whenever I think of her I sweat, my heart beats faster, and I have a feeling in my stomach. That's what's supposed to happen because of LOVE and in a GOOD way, but it's not. I get those feelings because I'm furious and depressive because I have no control over my own life anymore. I have so much anger within me towards the person that is supposed to be my partner. I think anyone would tell me that I should leave her. We're simply not compatable. That we can't live like that. But... She's pregnant. It was an accident, but that's where we are at. I at least hope she won't be as controllant when it comes to raising the child, but from discussions we've had so far, it doesn't look too good. I just don't know how if there's any hope of true joy for me in this life. Life as I knew it, and life as I've always pictured it will never happen. The family life I always wanted I will never experience. I am oh so depressed with so much anger within me. Why did things have to end up this way.. I used to love this woman, but nowadays she just makes me feel like I'm in prison. She gives me no chance to breathe. At the same time I can't leave someone that has given me so much, and the child is also the priority here. It's just that it's so depressing to have a child coming up when I know that she's not 'the one'. I don't know how to cope with everything, but I truly hope that the child that binds us together will also be the key to this relationship. Life's tough. Well, if you read all this then I have to say congratulations. It's a bit of therapy only to write my emotions down, even if no one reads it.
In Sync Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 I read your history..and it was compelling. I'm sorry that you home was not filled with the love that you craved and deserved, but you survived it and did the best you could. Children that are neglected and are surrounded by arguing parents are emotionally abused..I know from my own background. It was wonderful that you moved out and found your personal freedom. As for your relationship, I think what started out as idealistic through long distance and internet meeting, became realistic once you met and started living together. That kind of fantasy was eventually going to face obstacles. I'm going to ask you honestly...what is love and do you feel you are getting it? I can't honestly say that you should consider freeing yourself since your gf is pregnant, but I do see a pattern of discontent that will repeat the relationship of arguing in front of a child if you remain together. That is why I ask you what is love to you. It's not a quick rush catch-22 trick question. How can there be love in this relationship when a baby is involved. That is going to be a challenge for you to figure out. How can there be harmony in your relationship and how can you bring it to the relationship. Can you do it without judging condemning or bringing up the past because the baby is your future.
Author LostInLife Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 I'm back and it's the next day. I read my post and well, it was so long that I kind of lost track of myself as I was writing it. Things didn't come out the way I wanted to say them. I think writing about it was more of a way for me to vent. Thank you for the reply, and to answer your question: Yes, I know what love is. I'm not one of those people that think they are in love without knowing what it actually is. The thing is that I've lost it. I don't really love her anymore because of the way she is now, not because of the way she used to be. It's not because we met and came face to face for the first time, but because of what she became after a couple of years. I feel loved though. I know she loves me, but she hates my one and only hobby. I have no intentions of leaving her. I just don't know how I can cope with this relationship for the rest of my life. I can also tell you that the child will suffer nothing from our problems. We will be great parents. It's very rare that we yell to each others, and we definitely won't with a child around. It's just that she gets angry with me A LOT over things that in my opinion are no reason to be angry, and thus I become angry. The difference is that I keep it inside of myself, because I've learnt that arguing with her never helps. She refuses to listen to me and then things only become worse between us if I would say something back to her. The huge problem with this is that I feel like I'm about to burst on the inside, but I never have any way to get it all out. I often say to myself that I won't have to wait until I'm old to suffer from a stroke. Anyway, I would like to put things shorter and ask some questions I want answers to. My first post simply ended up too confusing. She demands a lot of my time, and therefore she controlls me by telling me how to spend it, and when she doesn't get what she wants, I'm the one to blame and so she'll end up being angry with me. Yesterday, I spent my first 4 hours on my own doing things I like to do (computer). I'll tell you that 4 hours WHILE she's home is not easy to get without her being close to upset. After that, like every day, she calls for me to watch TV. Of course I don't really want to watch TV because I do that against my will for hours every day simply to avoid going against her will and to not piss her off. I come to the livingroom, see that there's something I would like to watch on TV for once, but then she says that she doesn't want to watch it and changes channel. Because this is what happens just about every single day of my life with her, I felt fed up with her attitude so I leave the livingroom and head back to the computer. I spend another 3 hours there, after which I notice that she's pissed off at me, and won't speak to me. At this point out of sheer frustration that she's angry with me over such small things, I don't want to be mr. niceguy either and so I spend the rest of the evening at the computer. She's still angry with me in the next day and tells me that I'm so unpolite with her and treat her bad. Not until late in the evening today the day after she forgives me, but now without words (I just know her well enough to know this) she expects me not to touch the computer for a couple of days just to make up for it. Now, what I'm wondering is this: Since this was the first day in over a month that I spent a whole day doing whatever I wanted, do you think she has the right to be angry with me? I just don't feel that way, but if other people actually think I'm wrong in this then I will just surrender to it and change myself. It's just that I don't feel like it's the right thing to do. Am I not entitled to spend time with my one and only hobby for a whole day ever? Can I not for a couple of days per week while she is home spend 6-7 hours straight on it? Am I only a good guy if I spend over 6 hours EVERY day watching TV with her against my will? In her eyes, we should be together at ALL times and do EVERYTHING together. In my eyes, when we're both home we should be able to do whatever we feel like, but also spend SOME time every day with the partner. This TV thing is far from the only way she controls my time though. It's just that in the end, I feel like I have nowhere near enough time to spend on my hobby. It's actually not only a hobby, but also the only way I ever socialize with people. I don't really have the time to meet anyone due to how she controls my time. I am neither allowed to have any female friends. Also, if a friend would come over once a month, if he spends too many hours here I will be sure to know about it as soon as he leaves. I would also like to add that the only reason to why I stay awake late at night, even though sometimes I'm very tired, is that it's the only time of the day that I can do things at my will without her interfering. Isn't it sad that I have to keep doing this just to satisfy my needs, or am I actually spending too much time on it and she's right all along? All I can say though is that at my current situation, I'm very depressed. I feel like I have no control over my life because I need to always do something with her, or she'll be upset. Don't couples ever do things separate?
Author LostInLife Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 Can an admin please delete this topic for me? It's important because believe it or not but I found that my girlfriend has this website in her bookmarks!
In Sync Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Ok, I'm going to cut through the confusing blow by blow details because it's all superficial b.s. that is covering the real issues underneathe. Are you following? But before you read on do me a favor. Read this without being defensive and having a judgement ready. Because being defensive is blocking. Let what I say go through you like water and if you like something stay with the idea. If not that's ok too, only allow a new thought to enter without resistence. The relationship you have described is centered in controlling each other, wanting to change each other. And dependency. Neither of you accept each other as you are. As long as you want her to change and vice versa you will both be in a state of conflict. You can pretend dance around the truth but this relationship is not healthy. How can you make this relationship better? Perhap separating from each other is the start. I certainly am not suggesting you walk away from the responsibility of being a supportive father. I am saying living under the same roof with this under the surface anger is neither good for you or her or your baby she is carrying. Imagine a fist that's clenched (that's your relationship with her..and you are both doing it) Now imagine that same fist unclenching and releasing its grip. (that's the idea of letting go of all the anger) How long do you look forward to fighting over when you watch t.v and your wanting time on the computer and not spending time with her, etc. etc. It will never stop...until one of you say let's change our pattern here. If you start doing things to appease her, resentment will follow, and if she doesn't do the things you want resentment will follow....see where this is going like a hamster on a spinning wheel. There are options outside of the ones of appeasement. Find separate living arrangements..yeah that will probably lead to an impending argument..but right now you guys are unhappy..not difference. You can still see each other but you can both learn to think and breathe a little on your own in your own space. Right now your homelife sounds like a self imposed prison. Things are not going to change overnight magically like tinker bell waving a wand...and making an adult decision to bring harmony between you two is a proactive choice.
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