11 yo daughter came out as bi and wants to be referenced as 'they'

[littleblackheart]

As per the thread title, my 11yo daughter came out as 'having crushes on boys and girls' two days ago and wants to be called 'they'.

We always have chats about all sorts of subjects with my kids, be it politics, religion, societal issues, etc, our favourite sitter is transgendering at the moment so they are pretty switched on in general. I'm really proud of how they are turning out to be, and especially of how well my 14yo son handled the news. He gave his sister a massive hug, asked them a few probing questions and patience for him to remember to use the right pronoun, and that was it.  

Now the 'coming out' has passed, I don't want to mess it up by doing or saying anything to make them feel uncomfortable.

Are there any parents with similar experiences who could give me tips on what to expect?

Any advice gratefully received.

 

[Mrin]

Hi there. Feel free to PM me directly if you want more info. But in short... been there, am there, done/doing that.

I have two daughters. My eldest is 17 and came out to me as bi around 12 or 13. She now identifies as a lesbian. I just embraced the hell out of it from minute 2.  I have a flare for the dramatic so when she came out to me I just sat there silently. She finally asked if I was going to say anything. I said, "if you want me to be cool with this you have to promise me one thing - you'll go to Pride with me this year". LOL. And we haven't missed one since until 2020. Her sexuality is a really important part of her identity so it is right out there at all times. She finally kissed another girl this summer and I was the first person she told. Gave her a huge high five. 

My youngest daughter basically punted the whole sexuality thing when she was 12-ish. Said she liked everyone (pan) but didn't feel like being sexual at all. For those of you keeping score at home that's Panromantic Asexual.  Over the last 3+ years she's built a very unique identity for herself. She's pretty badass. Three months ago she announced that she no longer identified as a female and wanted they/them pronouns used. Getting my head wrapped around my youngest not being a female wasn't hard. They've always been so much their own person that that was sort of like stating the obvious. They don't identify as male either. Just something else. Something uniquely them. So that wasn't hard for me...

What is freaking mindbendingly hard for me is rewiring my brain to use the right f***ing pronouns. It is a constant struggle. I get it right maybe 25% of the time. But when I don't, I usually catch myself and make a production out of saying the phrase with the correct pronouns three times. I'm getting better. It also is a challenge for other words. How do I refer to them to others? I can't say my daughter. They're almost 16 and soon won't be my child. Progeny sounds pretentious. Offspring... maybe. I assigned this task off to them and told them that until they come up with a preferred term I will use "spawn". Unfortunately they LOVED that term. 

So, I guess the best advice I can give you is to embrace it... all of it... the gender identity and the sexual identity (they're different things) with both arms and a leg. An important thing is to ask you child is how much of their identity they want public. If they want it public then by all means make it public. Which can be challenging depending on where you live and the people in your life. But, and I really mean this, it is so important for them not to feel that they're the family's dirty little secret. So, if they want it to be public then my advice to you is do it. Use they/them with your friends and relatives. Use they/them with their teachers etc... Any hint of your reluctance is felt a hundredfold by them and will inevitably put distance between you two. 

It is okay to screw up the languaging bit as long as you show you are trying. It is not okay to rug sweep their identity.  Does that make sense?

Best of luck and like I said, if you want to connect directly feel free. 

 

Mrin

[littleblackheart]

Thank you. For all of this.

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Mrin said:

What is freaking mindbendingly hard for me is rewiring my brain to use the right f***ing pronouns.

I agree with this. I have a coworker who’s daughter wanted to transition to become a male, and now they have decided to be non-binary. It feels so unnatural to me to use the pronoun “they” when referring to one person. They have also changed what they would like to be called several times, I find it difficult to remember the current name. It has been really challenging for their parents. I must admit, I don’t understand it at all. But, I respect their decision. 

Best wishes to all.

Edited January 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[littleblackheart]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I agree with this. I have a coworker who’s daughter wanted to transition to become a male, and now they have decided to be non-binary. It feels so unnatural to me to use the pronoun “they” when referring to one person. They have also changed what they would like to be called several times, I find it difficult to remember the current name. 

Thanks for the reply @BaileyB. 

It's just a habit to break out of, really. I haven't found that part too difficult because I'm used to it in my job. Younsters are much more on the ball on this and make a point of asking each other which pronoun to use as a matter of course. I have mine in my pro email signature.

 What makes it easier to remember is how safe and comfortable it makes my 11yo feel to be called that way.

The biggest adjustment for me is to stop calling them my daughter. I won't lie, there will be a bit of a mourning stage but I'm happy she's happy.

@Mrin, They do want to make it public. They told their best friends pretty much immediately, I've told my immediate family and their father, and they've asked me to email the school to let them know, which I shall do tomorrow!

Their confidence has quite clearly shot up in the last couple of days. It's a joy to watch.

All smooth sailing so far, but I know it's early days. 

[basil67]

@littleblackheart I just went to click the ❤️ emoji in response to your last post and realised there wasn't one.  While I don't have practical experience to share, I'm sending my love for being such a supportive parent.  

[littleblackheart]

Thank you @basil67. That genuinely means a lot coming from a poster I really respect 🙂. Honestly, I have great kids so they make it really easy for me!

I also re-read myself and realised I used 'she' once 🤦‍♀️. Good job they didn't hear it.

 

 

[basil67]

Yeah, I saw that glitch  .   My daughter did the small change of switching her first and second names and that took us forever to get used to, so you have my understanding for the much more difficult change in gender labelling.   Honestly, it took us a good year or so for her new name  to roll off the tongue...and that's only a name.    

There's four in our extended group who've transitioned, most recently my niece (previously nephew) .  And while I don't understand from a personal level, they all have our love and support.   As for our niece, the grandparents reckon they are too old to make the change, but they said that about my daughter's name change and then got used to it, so we are leading by example.

Do you have a parent support group?  FB have a few going on.....

[littleblackheart]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

My daughter did the small change of switching her first and second names and that took us forever to get used to, so you have my understanding for the much more difficult change in gender labelling.   Honestly, it took us a good year or so for her new name  to roll off the tongue...and that's only a name.    

 

Good on her for wanting to be called a name that fits her. It's great how our children are now much freer to be who they are, and that we as parents are better equipped at helping and supporting them. Sounds like your daughter has all the support she needs

Yeah, it'll be trial and error for a bit. We've already agreed on cutting each other some slack on that front. They've agreed for me to still call them daughter, which, in my motherly selfishness, I'm quietly happy about.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

There's four in our extended group who've transitioned, most recently my niece (previously nephew) .  And while I don't understand from a personal level, they all have our love and support.   As for our niece, the grandparents reckon they are too old to make the change, but they said that about my daughter's name change and then got used to it, so we are leading by example.

Same here. We had a family friend when I was very young who did the transitioning at a time when it was very much frowned up, and pretty much the only support she had was her grandmother and my parents. She actually had a crush on my father both as a guy and as a woman, which remarkably for someone from his background, my father took in his stride. I got lucky my parents also lead by example on some of these things. Our sitter (then she now he) is the best we've ever had, the kids have never questioned his changes and I'm in complete owe of his maturity and resolve. 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Do you have a parent support group?  FB have a few going on.....

It's still all new so I've not looked into this yet, but I might. I'm not sold on the idea of FB groups because that means I'd have to use FB more (not a big fan, other than messenger) but I'll investigate anyway - thanks for the suggestion  . I've had kind offers of support here too that I may take up at some point (hope that's still ok @Mrin).

 

[Alpacalia]

I don't have any personal experience with this, either, but there's a popular YouTube personality, Jazz Jennings, a transgender girl who has documented their transition via social media that a lot of people find inspiring and relatable.

There's also support resources for parents and online support groups that you may find helpful.

 

[littleblackheart]

9 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't have any personal experience with this, either, but there's a popular YouTube personality, Jazz Jennings, a transgender girl who has documented their transition via social media that a lot of people find inspiring and relatable.

Thank you.

My daughter isn't transgendering - they've declared themselve bi and non binary. Our sitter is the one transgendering. I'll have a look anyway, in case it comes up at a later stage.

13 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

There's also support resources for parents and online support groups that you may find helpful.

 

Appreciated, thank you.

[Cookiesandough]

I think I have pretty much always used “they” a lot. I used to think it was because I was hiding guys from my parents lol. It might be, but I think it even precedes that. “They’re a nice person”.., it’s just easier at times. I’ve had people will give me sh*t about it, but whatever

Edited January 22, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Thank you.

My daughter isn't transgendering - they've declared themselve bi and non binary. Our sitter is the one transgendering. I'll have a look anyway, in case it comes up at a later stage.

Appreciated, thank you.

Jazz Jennings is a big LGBT rights activist and spokesmodel nonetheless for the LGBT community and their families. All the best ❤️.

[Wiseman2]

English is a strange language for sure. Most others have singular "you" and plural "you".

It's a shame there's not a better more appropriate designation for it than just using confusing plural pronouns

[littleblackheart]

13 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think I have pretty much always used “they” a lot. I used to think it was because I was hiding guys from my parents lol. It might be, but I think it even precedes that. “They’re a nice person”.., it’s just easier at times. I’ve had people will give me sh*t about it, but whatever

It is just easier at times, isn't it @Shortskirtslonglashes. I'm sorry people gave you s*** about it though. So unnecessary. Good on you for rising above it

[littleblackheart]

24 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Jazz Jennings is a big LGBT rights activist and spokesmodel nonetheless for the LGBT community and their families. All the best ❤️.

Great to hear, thank you.  Still all new to this. I'll have a look and see if the content is age appropriate for an 11 yo, and suited for the type of advice I'm looking for at the moment. I feel at this point its probably best to keep the support limited to immediate surroundings for them so they don't get too overwhelmed, and maybe parent support groups at some stage. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by littleblackheart

[Gaeta]

@littleblackheart: I just saw this and wanted to tell you how lucky your children are to have a parent so supporting. I hope the school is on board with the change? I have not heard my teen talk about having gender neutral friends but she has a transgender friend of 16 yo (male to female) and she is fully supported by the school and her class mates.