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Would you disclose that you had cheated in a previous relationship?

Pottering About

By Pottering About
in Infidelity

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Pottering About Established Member

Pottering About

Posted
Posted

I was watching one of the many dating programmes on tv and one pair were getting on well until the man said his last relationship had ended because he cheated. You could see the shutters come down and the woman wanted nothing more to do with him.

What has been the experience of people who have cheated in previous relationships? Have you told new partners you cheated and, if so, what was the other personā€™s reaction? Would you keep it quiet for fear of putting someone new off?

For those who started a relationship, what would your reaction be if you found your new beau had cheated previously? Would this always be atĀ the back of your mind?

Although the programme I was watching involved a male cheater, this is most certainly not a gender based issue.

Starswillshine Established Member

Starswillshine

Posted
Posted

Firstly, I'm a BS so my perspective comes from that.Ā 

Second, I think age is a big factor here. If we are in our 20s, I dont know that it would be a huge deal. I would just keep my eyes open.Ā 

At my current age, most people have been married before and if they cheated in their marriage, it would be a huge turn off. Not to say it would be a deal breaker, but I would need to know that there has been serious work done to himself to fix the issues he has/had inside to cause him to cheat.Ā 

Ā 

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)

I remember when I had ā€œthe exclusivity talkā€ with my partner. He said to me, ā€œI have never cheated in any relationship, thatā€™s not who I am.ā€ He was firm,Ā and I appreciated that.Ā 

If a man was to tell me that he had cheated on his wife, it would be a serious concern for me. Never say never, I know people who have cheated and gone on to have stable, long term relationships. But, it would give me serious pause...

Edited by BaileyB
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Pottering About said:

For those who started a relationship, what would your reaction be if you found your new beau had cheated previously? Would this always be atĀ the back of your mind?

I have never cheated & to the best of my knowledge never been cheated on.Ā 

That said, I would be very skeptical of somebody who at the beginning of the relationship announced to me that they had been unfaithful in the past.Ā  Such a disclosure seems out of bounds to me & I would wonder why this person felt the need to confess to me.Ā 

Once they threw it out there, I'd ask a LOT of pointed Qs.Ā  The answers would inform my decision to stay if I hadn't already decided to leave over the odd disclosure in the 1st place.Ā  Ā There are very few things that would make me stick around but some of them would include the definition of cheating.Ā  I could get past 1 drunken kiss but not a repeated sexual relationship behind their SO's back.Ā Ā 

Prudence V Established Member

Prudence V

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Pottering About said:

For those who started a relationship, what would your reaction be if you found your new beau had cheated previously? Would this always be atĀ the back of your mind?

My H was ā€œunfaithfulā€ to his xW. I knew this from the start, as I was his AP. Ā 
Itā€™s never been ā€œat the back of my mindā€, nor at the fore. I had a 360 degree view of him and his context, and I could see that that was a particular response to a particular set of circumstances. Since weā€™ve been married (more than 10 years) Iā€™veĀ had no cause to think of him in that way - that may have been *how* he was for the final, small portion of their M, but thatā€™s not *who* he is and itā€™s not *how* he is in our R.Ā 

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

I cheated on my lame ex-wife back in 1994...had a one nighter when I was in Virginia for a conference. Never told her and would never mention this to anyone...

  • Like 1
understand50 Established Member

understand50

Posted
Posted

To me it would depend.

I do think that once you decide to commit to each other, and I mean marriage or long term living together, that anything in your past that may blow up, should be given to the other.Ā  This would include financial,Ā  sexual past and someĀ  details of past relationships, lastly anyĀ  legal issues.Ā 

For Financial, this would include debt load, any children you are supporting, past bankruptcy and so fourth.

For sexual, and I know many would not agree with me,Ā  details on past relationships that may impact the present relationship.Ā Ā  IE, you still work with a past lover, or so fourth.Ā  As one ages, the think a more general idea should be given, but what should be given is anything that may impact you both as aĀ  couple. As you age, the ones you meet have a past.Ā  Past marriages, long term lovers, relationship that left a mark, should be shared.Ā  Any children from past relationships. (More for the men, then theĀ  women I think)Ā  Past cheating by you is something you should bring up.Ā  This does give a good idea of what type of person you are.Ā  But, if you are willing to be open about your past, this would show to me that you have or are willing to change.Ā 

Legal issues.Ā  Need to know if you had been in jail, prison, on paroleĀ  so fourth and so on.

For the relationship / Sexual, details of past relationships, what I think should be given, is how you met, how did it go, and what ended it.Ā  Some idea so that we would not do the same mistakes.Ā  Any issues, that still effect the person now?Ā 

I know many would think that this is too much, but remember, this would be at the point, that we were going to get married.Ā  We would legally together.Ā  If I am going to spend what is left of my life with this person, I want the best chance of doing so.Ā  Now, none of this information would be a deal breaker, per se, but I would rather know, then have it blow up.Ā  Anything can be overcome in a marriage, if it is known.Ā  Things that are kept secret are what ends them.

Now, this is just me thinking of what I would do if my wife dies before me and if I decide to try, or a woman does find me.Ā  I think the chances are remote, but I think too much.

I wish you luck.

Ā 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, alphamale said:

Ā would never mention this to anyone...

We all know nowšŸ¤£šŸ˜±

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted
28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

We all know nowšŸ¤£šŸ˜±

šŸ™„

  • 3 weeks later...
ctdans Member

ctdans

Posted
Posted

It would remain a friends with benefits relationship and definitely would involve condoms. Ā Wouldn't take the chance to be heart broken or get a disease.

  • 2 weeks later...
HadMeOverABarrel Established Member

HadMeOverABarrel

Posted
Posted
On 1/21/2021 at 12:29 PM, alphamale said:

šŸ™„

šŸ˜‚

Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
On 1/20/2021 at 2:13 PM, Pottering About said:

For those who started a relationship, what would your reaction be if you found your new beau had cheated previously? Would this always be atĀ the back of your mind?

A few of my previous partners cheated on me prior to dating me, and they also continued to cheat on me while dating me. So, obviously, if I decide to date again it will always be at the back of my mind. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry but that's the truth.Ā 

Ā 

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  • 3 weeks later...
SunnySide0418 Established Member

SunnySide0418

Posted
Posted
On 2/15/2021 at 5:45 PM, Watercolors said:

A few of my previous partners cheated on me prior to dating me, and they also continued to cheat on me while dating me. So, obviously, if I decide to date again it will always be at the back of my mind. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry but that's the truth.Ā 

Ā 

How does someone cheat on you prior to dating you?

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
On 2/15/2021 at 6:45 PM, Watercolors said:

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry but that's the truth.Ā 

No it's not. It's a phrase that indicates a B&W mentality. A clichƩ.

Truth is seldom B&W, and seldom looks the same from all perspectives.

Of course there are perpetual cheaters, just as there are those who can't seem toĀ resist them... but don't try to paint everyone with one broad stroke.

*An unprompted confession early on would certainly pique my suspicions. Why would anyone do that?

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pepperbird2 Established Member

pepperbird2

Posted
Posted

Just me, but if we were getting serious, I would want to know. If the guy took responsibility, said he learned from it and wouldn't do it again, I would like to think, so long as all other signs pointed to him being an honest person, I would trust him.


If it was part of talking about our pasts, I think it's important. Not because I think "once a cheater, always a cheater", but because it would be part of what made them who they are today. I don't think there's anyone out there who has a perfectly clean slate, whether that's got to do with cheating or some other behaviours that are less than stellar.

Now if they saw cheating as acceptable, brushed it off, that sort of thing, I couldn't stay with them. We wouldn't have compatible values. I don't mean that as slight against people who are polyamorous etc., it's just that I'm strongly monogamous and I don't think we'd be a good match. It would eventuallyĀ  be an issue we likely couldn't work around. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing they were sleeping with other people, and they likely wouldn't be happy being with just me. Many people in an "open relationship" that works are completely honest with each other, which is probably why it works for them- I don't see that as cheating . Even so, it's just not compatible with the way I am.

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NYAG Established Member

NYAG

Posted
Posted

I would need to understand the reasons for the infidelity before making a decision on that. I am currently seeing someone who is in a long term relationship. Understanding the details of his situation has been a part of my decision to embark on this relationship. If that guy told me he had cheated and had given me the explanations I had received I would consider it very carefully. Tarring everyone with the same brush and not understanding the finer details is not helpful for anyone.

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think it's best not to reveal such information, ever, unless it is sure to come out anyway.Ā  And it would probably not affect my view of someone, unless I knew it was a pattern of behavior for more than one past relationship.Ā  I tend to accept people as they are now, based on how they behave now and their current attitudes.

My ex cheated on me, so this isn't idle speculation about what I'd do, and have dated women whom I know cheated.Ā  Sure, cheating is wrong, but it is sometimes an understandable response to a bad situation.

Edited by central
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
29 minutes ago, central said:

it is sometimes an understandable response to a bad situation.

I respectfully disagree.Ā 

I donā€™t think that cheating is an understandable response in any situation. Itā€™s incredibly hurtful thing to do to another person. There is no circumstance that changes that, in my humble opinion...Ā 

I would want to know. Not saying that I wouldnā€™t date this individual, but the information would provide information on that person, how they respect and viewĀ relationships, how they deal with conflict/stress, how they value trust, fidelity, honesty. It would be included in my assessment of whether they are a safe partner, or not. WhetherĀ they take responsibility for their decision and they have learned/become a better partner because of the experience or not... thatā€™s helpful information to know when choosing a relationship partner.Ā 

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Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

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Posted

I'd keep my mouth shut about it. Take it to your grave. Openness and honesty are two different things. Why sabotage your relationship? Just don't do it again.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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Posted (edited)

I dated and would have married a man who cheated for the entirety of his two marriages. I met him after his second divorce and he disclosed his past cheating ways to me but explained that it disgusted him that he'd done it. And he had done work on himself so as not to repeat the pattern.

We discussed as we dated that we wanted to have a relationship together that was based on celibacy because he wanted a relationship that was based on sexual purity before marriage (as I do, too). But he did push me for sex, as all other men I have dated for any length of time have done with me so I didn't attribute this to him as a mark of being someone who would cheat on me.

I think in his case had I married him someone may have told me about his indiscretions eventually. Not sure how that would have affected me had he not revealed it to me first.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
  • 2 weeks later...
merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted
On 3/8/2021 at 8:58 AM, Fletch Lives said:

Just don't do it again.

Yeah, right.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

The problem is that cheating always involves lying and deception and for those who value honesty that is often a deal breaker.Ā 
Once the potential for lying is out on the table then how can that person beĀ  really trusted?
Cheating is not just lying, it is BIGĀ lying.
They may say they have changed, say they have learned lessons, say they would never repeat it, but as their word is suspect, then their "word" does not mean a lot.Ā Ā 

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Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

Posted
Posted

A large portion of cheating is not about deception but revenge.

While some people may be habitual cheaters, others are not.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Fletch Lives said:

A large portion of cheating is not about deception but revenge.

While some people may be habitual cheaters, others are not.

I agree cheating is often about revenge and seeking retribution, it can be about power dynamics too and aboutĀ many other issues and complaints.
BUTĀ in order toĀ cheat it always requires lying to your spouse/partner.

Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

Posted
Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I agree cheating is often about revenge and seeking retribution, it can be about power dynamics too and aboutĀ many other issues and complaints.
BUTĀ in order toĀ cheat it always requires lying to your spouse/partner.

I suppose. But if it was a one time deal, and they won't do it again, if you treat them right, does it matter? Can you overlook it? or not?

Just keep in mind one thing - nobody is perfect, not you, nobody.

I dated people who have cheated before without worry. One woman had a sexless marriage so she cheated on her husband for revenge.Ā 

Another woman, when she was young and a little crazy but beautiful and had so many guys coming at her, she could cheat all she wanted, she did not care - there was always another guy waiting in the wings, so why be loyal?

I was not worried and had no problems because when they were in love with me, they were monogamous. Plus woman number 2 had matured.

Edited by Fletch Lives
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