marvellous_merlot Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) So it turns out that the sweet, caring, funny and intelligent guy I've been dating for six months actually turns out to be a total creep. I am 38, he is 44. The other day, one of my boyfriend's friends came out with a really weird and creepy inside joke. The joke made no sense whatsoever to me. I confronted my boyfriend about the implication of the joke and some five hundred skeletons came tumbling out of the wardrobe... First of all, apparently my boyfriend has been using sex workers in the past. Prostitutes and dominatrixes. In his view, this is completely normal, moral and fine, because they are "exclusive" sex workers. (Never mind it being illegal, apparently!) He can barely afford a place to live, yet he happily spends £350 on an "appointment" with some sex worker?! Next thing he tells me, apparently he used to date a prostitute at one point but he didn't dare introducing her to his friends and family because he was "ashamed" of her. (What a man! Hiding his girlfriend away from his family and friends because of her profession...) And then, as it turns out, apparently he is still creating and running the business websites for all of these various sex workers and escorts that he has been seeing. What in the actual...? As if that wasn't enough, it turns out that he has been perving over the half-naked photos of teenager models and female colleagues on Instagram. Apparently, he used to prowl for young girls on Instagram and on dating sites. Before he met me, he used to date/screw very young women (less than half his age), leading them on for a couple of weeks and then ditching them after introducing them to BDSM. In his late thirties, he apparently even had a long term relationship with an underage girl. This confession led to us discussing his previous relationships and this is when he lets slip that his most recent ex had to call the police to make him actually leave her house. And, apparently he is still keeping tabs on his ex through the dog walker that walks his ex's dogs...?! It also turns out that he has been arrested at one point due to reckless driving. What is worse, he is a named driver on my car insurance, which could have been invalidated seeing as he didn't tell me about this when we added him to my insurance policy. All of this came tumbling out in a 30 minute conversation after asking him about what his friend meant with that joke. When I asked him what on Earth was going through his mind in doing all this bizarre stuff, his excuse is that he "can't remember" and/or he "has no idea why he did it". If you're going to be such a thoroughbred creep, then least stand for your actions, right?! This guy has a professional job in the public eye. He manages people and is the Safeguarding Officer at his place of work, responsible for filtering content and protecting female colleagues against sexual harassment. Speak of having a fox in the henhouse... the hypocrisy of it all is astounding. I should run, right? I'm disgusted, shocked, horrified, heartbroken, hurt and angry. He seems to think that I "should just get over it" and that it is his "private business" because it is "in the past". I don't care if it is "in the past", I just can't see past the creepiness, the misogyny, the hypocrisy, the dishonesty and the sheer disgustingness of his behaviour... Edited January 20, 2021 by marvellous_merlot title broken Link to post Share on other sites
Johnjohnson2017 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 He must be a really good looking guy/young looking to be able to pull that off. He is really immature for his age. I don't think he will change. You need to cut your losses unfortunetely. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 Dunno if I'm wrong, but I can sense from you post that you are not very familiar or comfortable with the idea of BDSM activities. If done right, consensual, and with all (adult) parties involved fully aware of they are doing, it is not abuse, it is a shared fantasy/sexual preference. I want to state that I am not being a defender of this community, since I don't take part in it, but I've met people that engage in this sort of activities and I wouldn't call them creeps based solely on that. That being said, I don't see any issues with the following: - him being into consensual BDSM and being involved in that community; -I also can understand why he has not disclosed it publicly, in most countries/mediums there is certain stigma regarding that; - besides any legal or moral implications, I also don't see something being wrong with him for using sex workers into BDSM activities. If he has that kink and no one to share it with, he might resort to that. Since vanilla sex is not enough, one will always try to fullfil his sexual need the best way one can; I do however think that is wrong : - not telling you about his desired sexual preference and honest about his past; that is lack of trust and certainly not something you'd want from someone who you date for long; - him visting sex workers (if he still does that) and not tell you about it, assuming you discussed about dating exclusively; - encouraging the sex industry by actively helping the business, not just satisfying his needs; - harrassing his ex; - absolutely wrong for him to take advantage of underage girls or vulnerable women; I agree with you that this man is a creep and shows all the signs of a deceptive sexual predator. If you have any evidence against him abusing women, then you should report it. Either way, you should get away from him as far as you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marvellous_merlot Posted January 20, 2021 Author Share Posted January 20, 2021 Thank you @Perduand @Johnjohnson2017 for the advice. I guess it is a clear case of cut and run, even if right now it hurts so so bad. I didn't mean to imply that BDSM itself is creepy in any way. What does disturb me is the use of sex workers, the support of the sex work industry, taking advantage of vulnerable women, lying about his kink, cheating on his previous gf with the sex workers, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 I'd say your answer is in the thread title. You can't devote a lifetime to loving someone you don't respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: I should run, right? Faster than the speed of light. Sorry this happened but better you found out. Edited January 20, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThereSheGoes Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 So, the thing with his BDSM fetish and getting girls to join and then ditching them: There are quite a few men who are turned on by 'educating' young impressionable girls and women into BDSM and completely ditching them once they are turned on to it. I've actually met men who assumed (because of how I look and carry myself) that I had no clue about BDSM and the minute I told them that I used to date a Master and I've been hogtied before, so on and so forth, they were COMPLETELY turned off. It's a power thing for them, and honestly, they're a bit dangerous. Your guy has a whole bunch of UNHEALTHY fetishes. Personally, I don't find anything wrong with Sex Work, but he seems to be utilizing their services in a very unhealthy and destructive way. Girl, run like the wind, run like the wind, RUN LIKE THE WIND. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Two things: 1. Run like hell. Don't look back. Don't second guess yourself. 2. What was the joke? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 16 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: a total creep. ... Best diagnostic thread title I have ever seen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Listen to the song “Creep” by Radiohead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marvellous_merlot Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 I can't really bring myself to tell the full details of the joke, but it had to do with my boyfriend's friend's teenage daughters and their use of the internet. In particular, whether young girls are safer on the internet now that my boyfriend is "off the market". Disgusting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 21 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: So it turns out that the sweet, caring, funny and intelligent guy I've been dating for six months actually turns out to be a total creep. I am 38, he is 44. The other day, one of my boyfriend's friends came out with a really weird and creepy inside joke. The joke made no sense whatsoever to me. I confronted my boyfriend about the implication of the joke and some five hundred skeletons came tumbling out of the wardrobe... First of all, apparently my boyfriend has been using sex workers in the past. Prostitutes and dominatrixes. In his view, this is completely normal, moral and fine, because they are "exclusive" sex workers. (Never mind it being illegal, apparently!) He can barely afford a place to live, yet he happily spends £350 on an "appointment" with some sex worker?! Next thing he tells me, apparently he used to date a prostitute at one point but he didn't dare introducing her to his friends and family because he was "ashamed" of her. (What a man! Hiding his girlfriend away from his family and friends because of her profession...) And then, as it turns out, apparently he is still creating and running the business websites for all of these various sex workers and escorts that he has been seeing. What in the actual...? As if that wasn't enough, it turns out that he has been perving over the half-naked photos of teenager models and female colleagues on Instagram. Apparently, he used to prowl for young girls on Instagram and on dating sites. Before he met me, he used to date/screw very young women (less than half his age), leading them on for a couple of weeks and then ditching them after introducing them to BDSM. In his late thirties, he apparently even had a long term relationship with an underage girl. This confession led to us discussing his previous relationships and this is when he lets slip that his most recent ex had to call the police to make him actually leave her house. And, apparently he is still keeping tabs on his ex through the dog walker that walks his ex's dogs...?! It also turns out that he has been arrested at one point due to reckless driving. What is worse, he is a named driver on my car insurance, which could have been invalidated seeing as he didn't tell me about this when we added him to my insurance policy. All of this came tumbling out in a 30 minute conversation after asking him about what his friend meant with that joke. When I asked him what on Earth was going through his mind in doing all this bizarre stuff, his excuse is that he "can't remember" and/or he "has no idea why he did it". If you're going to be such a thoroughbred creep, then least stand for your actions, right?! This guy has a professional job in the public eye. He manages people and is the Safeguarding Officer at his place of work, responsible for filtering content and protecting female colleagues against sexual harassment. Speak of having a fox in the henhouse... the hypocrisy of it all is astounding. I should run, right? I'm disgusted, shocked, horrified, heartbroken, hurt and angry. He seems to think that I "should just get over it" and that it is his "private business" because it is "in the past". I don't care if it is "in the past", I just can't see past the creepiness, the misogyny, the hypocrisy, the dishonesty and the sheer disgustingness of his behaviour... When you say teenager are you talking below 18? If so that's a reportable crime. Other than that, is he doing anything that's harming anyone else? He's allowed to date women half his age. Prostitution is illegal (in my mind it shouldn't be). But yes of course, you're disgusted by all of this so break up immediately. I don't think you should try to ruin the guy's life and reveal all of this, unless he's in possession of underage pornography or something else clearly evil. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 While I don't judge folks on BDSM activities, clearly there is more than enough other sketchy stuff here for walking away to be the clear choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Groce 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 He's never going to lose his desire for teenage girls. I would start running NOW! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 45 minutes ago, marvellous_merlot said: I can't really bring myself to tell the full details of the joke, but it had to do with my boyfriend's friend's teenage daughters and their use of the internet. In particular, whether young girls are safer on the internet now that my boyfriend is "off the market". Disgusting. Gross. Good riddance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Get yourself checked for STDs 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) 23 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: This confession led to us discussing his previous relationships 23 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: It also turns out that he has been arrested at one point 23 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: What is worse, he is a named driver on my car insurance Did you not ask for details about his previous relationships, and criminal record, before getting in a relationship with him and putting him on your insurance? Edited January 21, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) 23 hours ago, marvellous_merlot said: his most recent ex had to call the police to make him actually leave her house Sorry, wasn't able to add this part to my previous post. Edited January 21, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marvellous_merlot Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 27 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Did you not ask for details about his previous relationships, and criminal record, before getting in a relationship with him and putting him on your insurance? I did. He lied to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marvellous_merlot Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: Other than that, is he doing anything that's harming anyone else? Other than putting someone in hospital with his reckless driving, cheating on his ex-girlfriend, lying to his employer, lying to me, deceiving his own family, making his friends worry for their teenage daughters and taking advantage of vulnerable women, he is a top notch guy. 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marvellous_merlot Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 2 hours ago, dramafreezone said: I don't think you should try to ruin the guy's life and reveal all of this, unless he's in possession of underage pornography or something else clearly evil. No plans on ruining anyone's life. Just want him gone from my life with as little drama as possible. 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 1 minute ago, marvellous_merlot said: Other than putting someone in hospital with his reckless driving, cheating on his ex-girlfriend, lying to his employer, lying to me, deceiving his own family, making his friends worry for their teenage daughters and taking advantage of vulnerable women, he is a top notch guy. 😉 Well I meant more criminal actions that would indicate that he should be in prison for a while. His actions will catch up with him and you should be far away when that happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amygirl908 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, marvellous_merlot said: He lied to me. This and nothing else is why you need to run as fast as you can. It doesn't even matter what he lied about but that fact that he was ok with lying to you without remorse for 6 months... This guy is a psychopath. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marvellous_merlot Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 1 minute ago, dramafreezone said: Well I meant more criminal actions that would indicate that he should be in prison for a while. His actions will catch up with him and you should be far away when that happens. Oh I see. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, to be honest. Running, fast... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts