Being ignored on a 3rd date

[Zoko]

Obviously a deal breaker.

I (33m) met this guy (also 33) on a dating app last week. He said he prefers dates over hookups which i liked.

The first date was wonderful, he came over to my place, we talked, drank wine, smoked some weed and fell asleep in each others arms. The next morning I offered him coffee and something sweet.

We texted the next day and I said I had a good time and he aswell.

I invited him over for friday night to watch a movie. He came, we ended up not watching the movie but rather we just talked, laughed, fooled around a little and went to bed to sleep.

In the morning we made breakfast together and afterwards also worked out.

I am a good host, it's important to me that guests in my house feel comfortable.

We chilled for almost the entire day.. he was in my place for almost 24 hours.

I found him very attractive and liked he laughed at my stupid jokes.

But the chatting on whatsapp afterwards was quite dull.

I thought that maybe I was coming off as too strong during our 2 dates (I am not shy when it comes to physically showing affection, I like to hug and cuddle) and with him being  bit cold on whatsapp made me take a step back.

I started to get the feeling that he's not interested anymore and that made me reevaluate him, as I realised that the potential is not as big as I thought.

But he did stay at my place for a long time and we had fun in person, so I asked him when do I see him again. He replied let's try tomorrow.

He invited me over to his place the next day.. to smoke some weed and chill (smoking weed is pretty normal here.. like drinking alcohol)

He picked me up in his car (even though I could walk there but it was raining so it was nice of him). Upon enterning the car we kissed hello.

It all went down hill from there.

The conversation was sluggy, he didn't make any effort. Was not asking personal questions or trying to get to know me better.

Then after we smoked the concersation actually began to get interesting. We talked about our worldviews regarding evolution, early humans, seperation of church and state and so on.

We agreed on quite everything and I felt energy again.

But then I went over to get closer (we were sitting on the sofa) and he just turned his back on me and leaned on me as if to sleep.

I askes him if he was tired and wanted me to go, he said no, he's just chilling.

Then after 10 minutes he turned on the TV and was answering messages on his phone, with me just looking at him. It went on for like 6 minutes.

It was very rude of him. He didn't say "sorry I have to answer this" or something. He just blatently ignored my presence.

I got the hint.

I told him I had to go and left.

He didn't even gave me a hug to say bye (which is what is normally done between non romantic friends here).

The whole "date" was only barely 2 hours

i get it that sometimes it doesn't work out. It was only a 3rd date and I didn't develop any feelings yet. 

What angers me is that HE invited me over, but didnt make much of an effort to connect and then just ignored my presence (especially since I asked him 10 minutes prior if he is too tired and prefers to sleep, meaning I leave).

This was like half a day ago.

To me this kind of behaviour is unacceptable obviously, he made me feel really uncomfortable.

I kind of want to tell him off and send him a message along the lines of:

"Hey, I got it that you're not interested in persuing this. But inviting me over and then ignoring me was just rude. Keep that in mind."

What my goal is:

First I'm not interested in him anymore. I just want to stand up for myself and tell him that it was wrong. I think it will make me feel better because I feel angry, insulted.

What do you think?

 

[Lorenza]

I am not a fan of dating at home which is something a lot of people are doing right now because of the pandemic. It's not healthy to spend 24 hours together at home when you're just getting to know each other. Seeing each other in neutral environment doesn't pose the same risk of things getting too overwhealming too fast, so first dates should be outside. If not possible because of covid, then I'd recommend to wait. No good ever comes from that false sense of intimacy when you bring a stranger home and go through situations that should come much later on in the relationship. There are no shortcuts to getting close to someone. 

Of course, it's too late for your situation anyway, I agree that he was quite rude inviting you over and then giving you the cold shoulder. But it seems like too much too soon type of situation all over again. He enjoyed it at your place, but found out that he isn't enjoying having you over at his place at all. I wouldn't write him a message. Silence and moving on is just as good a way as any to stand up for yourself. 

Edited January 20, 2021 by EternalClarity

[Versacehottie]

I think you got far too comfortable with each other, almost acting like a long-standing dating couple from the first date and you can't go back from that.

Secondly, I think you both did stuff that showed you had some connection (physical, weed, some surface conversation) but not the other huge emotional, and growing component of connection.  He already didn't have to impress you much so now he's taking you for granted.  I agree that silence is a better way to go. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. He just wants to hook up, so it seems treating him like a long term BF on the first and second meets was a poor investment.

Take your time getting to know someone.

"I'm a good host"? You're not a bed and breakfast with benefits. 

Sorry that comes across a bit reckless and desperate.

[Perdu]

I think that after date no 2, he kinda lost interest in the whole thing, assuming that you'd make him work harder for sex. 

I do a lot online dating and I learned that, sometimes, "I am not interested in hook ups, I want a relationship" is just a strategy to get more attention and potential partners than being upfront about just wanting sex. 

The only way to clarify that is to take things gradually. If the dates went good and he was super interested at first and then he start giving you the cold shoulder, he either expected easy sex (which you did not provide) or found somebody more interesting to him and did not consider to be explicit about it.

Someone in their 30s who is interested in a relationship, should have the capacity of investing some time and effort into dating. 

Either way, don't sell yourself short and move on.

[Miss Spider]

Sounds like you have no chemistry whatsoever 

[d0nnivain]

I think he's more a bad host then anything else.  In your house he knew to be on his best behavior as a guest.  In his house it was just too chill. 

You both also moved too fast with the early date sleep overs

You can discuss with him how you feelings were hurt but be diplomatic.  Too strident & you come off as crazy clingy.  

[smackie9]

Yes he likes to go on a date or two then hookup...the hookup didn't happen so he's lost interest.

[peach302]

10 hours ago, Zoko said:

Obviously a deal breaker.

I (33m) met this guy (also 33) on a dating app last week. He said he prefers dates over hookups which i liked.

The first date was wonderful, he came over to my place, we talked, drank wine, smoked some weed and fell asleep in each others arms. The next morning I offered him coffee and something sweet.

We texted the next day and I said I had a good time and he aswell.

I invited him over for friday night to watch a movie. He came, we ended up not watching the movie but rather we just talked, laughed, fooled around a little and went to bed to sleep.

In the morning we made breakfast together and afterwards also worked out.

I am a good host, it's important to me that guests in my house feel comfortable.

We chilled for almost the entire day.. he was in my place for almost 24 hours.

I found him very attractive and liked he laughed at my stupid jokes.

But the chatting on whatsapp afterwards was quite dull.

I thought that maybe I was coming off as too strong during our 2 dates (I am not shy when it comes to physically showing affection, I like to hug and cuddle) and with him being  bit cold on whatsapp made me take a step back.

I started to get the feeling that he's not interested anymore and that made me reevaluate him, as I realised that the potential is not as big as I thought.

But he did stay at my place for a long time and we had fun in person, so I asked him when do I see him again. He replied let's try tomorrow.

He invited me over to his place the next day.. to smoke some weed and chill (smoking weed is pretty normal here.. like drinking alcohol)

He picked me up in his car (even though I could walk there but it was raining so it was nice of him). Upon enterning the car we kissed hello.

It all went down hill from there.

The conversation was sluggy, he didn't make any effort. Was not asking personal questions or trying to get to know me better.

Then after we smoked the concersation actually began to get interesting. We talked about our worldviews regarding evolution, early humans, seperation of church and state and so on.

We agreed on quite everything and I felt energy again.

But then I went over to get closer (we were sitting on the sofa) and he just turned his back on me and leaned on me as if to sleep.

I askes him if he was tired and wanted me to go, he said no, he's just chilling.

Then after 10 minutes he turned on the TV and was answering messages on his phone, with me just looking at him. It went on for like 6 minutes.

It was very rude of him. He didn't say "sorry I have to answer this" or something. He just blatently ignored my presence.

I got the hint.

I told him I had to go and left.

He didn't even gave me a hug to say bye (which is what is normally done between non romantic friends here).

The whole "date" was only barely 2 hours

i get it that sometimes it doesn't work out. It was only a 3rd date and I didn't develop any feelings yet. 

What angers me is that HE invited me over, but didnt make much of an effort to connect and then just ignored my presence (especially since I asked him 10 minutes prior if he is too tired and prefers to sleep, meaning I leave).

This was like half a day ago.

To me this kind of behaviour is unacceptable obviously, he made me feel really uncomfortable.

I kind of want to tell him off and send him a message along the lines of:

"Hey, I got it that you're not interested in persuing this. But inviting me over and then ignoring me was just rude. Keep that in mind."

What my goal is:

First I'm not interested in him anymore. I just want to stand up for myself and tell him that it was wrong. I think it will make me feel better because I feel angry, insulted.

What do you think?

 

Way too much way too soon.

You're practically strangers yet spending 24 hours a day together. Its just strange sorry. And very rarely have i seen these types of situations work out well.

Forget the goodbye message and go your separate ways. 

And next time don't give absolutely everything you have to offer on a first and second date. Let it gradually build up  

Edited January 20, 2021 by peach302

[Ami1uwant]

I agree with a few others. He might have bern a bad host.  
there coukd have bern other stuff going on that day you don’t know about that stressed him out.

 

 

 

the way these dates seemed to go might have made him not like you for a few reasons

1 he liked you but wasn’t feeling it or attracted to you. He gave it a coup,e of dates 

2 he might have felt you two weeent a match in style , in i tersts, in outlook on life and didn’t see you as long term thing.

 

I don’t think it was a sex thing or thinking you were too hard work because you give the impression he didn’t try anything.  Another thing—- do you knowifheis gay or still in the closet or bi/just looking for a hook up?  

[Be Cool]

On 1/20/2021 at 12:33 PM, Zoko said:

What my goal is:

First I'm not interested in him anymore. I just want to stand up for myself and tell him that it was wrong. I think it will make me feel better because I feel angry, insulted.

What do you think?

 

In other words, you want him to know you're butthurt.

What will you gain from doing that? That's the question you should ask yourself.

[Versacehottie]

yeah, I would say that you can't presume since it went so comfortably with the hookup and hangout part dates one and two, that there really is an emotional/dating connection there at all.  If you jump into bed first, you will find that out in a harsh or blindsiding way.  Depends what your real goals are.  Are you trying to date seriously or very casually?

I would worry less that he's a rude host and more than this relationship just isn't going anywhere.  If you act super comfortable with each other on date one, and neither one of you has to wait in anticipation and let the emotional part build, well it's like you are in dating dog years.  Lol, it's like you are 3 years in and getting the boyfriend who is a bit crude and insensitive and rude/taking you for granted.  That's an argument for taking the beginning a little more slow--why rush to get to this period? Where he is absolutely sure he has you and doesn't have to work a little to show you his best side.

It seems like with your jumping in both feet from the word go, you are prioritizing the short term hits of good endorphins and assurance that he likes you in the short term or is attracted to you on the most basic level, for the LONG-TERM potential.  There might not be anything wrong with that if it matches with your own personal goals (relationship vs casual flings) and your ego doesn't take significant hits after each guy that is in and quickly out of your life.

[chillii]

l agree with one of the others l don't think it was a sexual thing either , l think that after all that time together he just saw what he needed to and just wasn't feeling it. Might've invited you over thinking he will but together again it pretty well fizzled it out for him. Either that or he was just way effn out there that night for some reason, but in that case he should be on the phone wanting to make up for it and l'd doubt that.

[Wiseman2]

Good you walked out the door. Hopefully you've deleted and blocked him.

Lesson learned. Don't let weirdos into your home then get stoned so you lose total control of your environment and safety.

[Saracena]

What struck me most when I read your OP was that you were the one doing all the chasing.

[amygirl908]

I think it's good to be able to do normal things together... Yes he turned his back on you but he was still touching you and even leaned up against you. Being on our phones and watching tv is something we would normally do. I find it rude that he didn't hug you goodbye or walk you out but he could have felt it was weird how you abruptly left.

As a society I think we feel like we have to be constantly entertained everything has to be engaging and entertaining ALL the time. Being comfortable in silence and just in each other's presence is something that will help deepen the relationship. The whole date shouldn't be in silence but if you can't sit in silence for 10 minutes without feeling like you're being ignored the relationship probably isn't going to be successful. 

[winny]

Nope.. silence is the best answer.

[Watercolors]

OP I think you and he are both guilty of rushing things towards hooking up. And smoking all that weed interferes with literally all your cognitive processes, which you know already as a pot smoker. If you want to “date” guys and not hook up with them, stop acting like a casual sex partner on the first date. Too much too fast is never good. Indigestion with food is the same with people. 

Slow down. Just slow down. Everything. 

[lakerman34]

24 hours together so soon may be a bit much.

Also, after going on a long date, I think it's healthy to lay off the texting. I once read on this forum YEARS ago that texting should ONLY be used to plan the next get-together. Texting can kill potential relationships. 

In the future, when you are not physically in someone's presence, make yourself scarce and allow them to miss you a bit.

[SumGuy]

Who knows why he acted that way, very odd given things seem to be ramping up and going well.  I suspect there was something going on with him, someone else, equipment problem if you get my drift, etc.

I completely disagree with the ideas you moved to fast, or were too close too soon, etc.  Maybe for him you did or were.   So what?  Do you want to coddle the insecurities of people who get freaked out by getting exactly what they say they want,  e.g., closeness?   

All the suggestions to be more stand offish etc. is just game playing, the same BS advice (in my opinion) as The Rules.

Now I do hope you are being safe though with having him over and vice versa, letting someone know, have a pre-arranged check in to make sure you are safe.

[Versacehottie]

I'm not saying that she moved too fast from a game playing perspective (ie if she had moved slower, though that works a little too). BUT mainly because they are far too comfortable with each other and didn't earn the right to be in each other's life/space and now date 3 it's being taken for granted.  Like it's a false sense of how well they know each other. She's expecting lovey-dovey since she is affection from the jump and they hooked up date one. BUT there is no basis for lovey dovey; whatever they did physically has no real bearing on how close they are emotionally, it's just a false sense.  In addition they've now messed up the potential bonding/anticipation time by slipping into a routine where it's like they've been dating longer and have a real emotional bond.  

She's also potentially getting the guy that if she'd taken her time with the dates to DATE rather than hook up she'd see what he was like, ie if he was lazy or rude.  Now she's treating it like he's essentially her bf and getting what she got, which isn't great perhaps.  I also think none of this happens in a bubble. He is partly the way he is with her because of the way she has been with him and vice versa.  So moving too fast probably did impact things--in their impressions of each other, the nature of the relationship, how to conduct the relationship.  I think even good people fall prey to the patterns that are established by a duo.

I don't think she should have been standoffish but you put a cushion of how easily you let someone into your life without vetting, them without a buildup or pay the consequences of skipping that step.  

[5x5]

55 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm not saying that she moved too fast from a game playing perspective (ie if she had moved slower, though that works a little too).

The OP is a man as is the man he was dating.

On 1/20/2021 at 4:33 PM, Zoko said:

I (33m) met this guy (also 33) on a dating app last week.

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by 5x5

[Versacehottie]

oh!! Sorry!! my bad!! 

My advice still stands for the most part though.  I think a lot of the social norms about perception of hooking up would be looser for two guys BUT perhaps for the OP there's a feeling that they are relationship-bound whereas for the other guy, he just thinks he's hooking up and is not putting in a ton of effort and doesn't have to.

They are still missing the emotionally connection and skipped that step.  Unfortunately I think for two guys this is probably even more likely.  The good news is that there's less judgment surrounding the hooking up (even if one or both have expectations that are skewing things).  So they could keep seeing each other and an emotional connection could develop.  The hard thing is once a pattern is established where one person is giving more/the other person is being dismissive it's often hard to reset that and at the beginning attraction is typically more about feeling balanced IMO and excited about the other person,  Right now the other guy is treating OP almost like an obligation or burden. Things usually go downhill after that.