Simmo9393 Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 Hi, My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. He came on very strongly at the start, and before I knew it, he was infatuated with me. Things went very fast, we soon started to fight about everything. He's diagnosed with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Small things can set him off, and when his anxiety is bad he tends to act abrupt, attitude change toward me, storm around the house and start disagreements and arguments over things that just aren't issues to normal couples. It's been an incredibly up and down year, and this time I have threatened to leave him for good as I just can't do it anymore with him. He's begged me for another chance, but has said that he wants me to be accepting of his mental health issues - though he takes things out on me and makes me feel bad when his issues are presenting. It feels like walking on egg shells. He has just now admitted that 90% of our fighting is because of his mental health and just fighting with the gloves off - he has no control of his emotions or the things he says when he's upset.. and it's not the first time. I feel I am very accepting, but I stand up for myself when he gives me a hard time and I don't let him walk over me. He's told me to leave in the middle of the night a few times because of arguments he had started or provoked into. I feel he is manipulating too. Will try and guilt trip me about things and I pull him up about it and he acts as if he doesn't know or think he is doing that. Now I feel very confused about what to do. I've sat him down and laid it all out with what I will and won't put up with.. but I feel now terrible for even trying again. I go to bed wanting to leave him and not look back. Then I wake up confused and feeling like I want to try. I just feel majorly played and now he's spoken to all his friends and family, they've been giving him advice that I am the one who should be more understanding.
Lorenza Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 So not worth it. A relationship should enrich your life. Leave this guy and all his diagnoses to him and his therapist (if he has one. Which he should). You don't have to weather his storms. Also - don't "threaten" to leave someone, that manipulative on your part as well. If it doesn't work for you, just leave. Nobody ever changes because you threaten to breakup with them, it can only give a shortlived effect. They need to feel an inner motivation heal and learn to not take it out on their partners. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 He's abusive. His mental health is not your problem. Run from this asap. This is an inordinate amount of strife, stress and drama for less than a year of dating. Read up on abusive relationships. Talk to trusted friends and family. 4
Keridan Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) It doesn't even sound like you are that into him. He needs you and you don't want to let him down. That's not your issue. That's his. Until he gets himself together he will not make anyone a good partner and letting him get away with it hurts you both. Tell him to get professional help instead of looking for someone to put up with it and then walk away. You obviously care and want to do well, but the best thing you can do is walk away and find someone who deserves you Edited January 20, 2021 by Keridan 2
Blind-Sided Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 All the above is correct. He probably needs someone to help him... but you can't build a life with someone who is semi-abusive. You should walk away while you can. 1
Trail Blazer Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 He has been diagnosed with all of these disorders, but what's he doing about them? I feel for people in his situation, but it shouldn't be all on you to manage his rollercoaster of emotions. If he can't get his issues sorted, then he's simply too dysfunctional to be dating. If his family and friends think that it's on you to be more understanding then they're just enablers who've probably played a part in why he behaves the way he does. 2
ShyViolet Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 His mental health is not your problem and not your responsibility. Relationships are supposed to make you happy most of the time. This is the opposite of how a relationship should be. WALK AWAY. 1
smackie9 Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) Try and do what? You are not a mental health expert. Being a sympathetic, supportive normal person doesn't do anything.....get it? There isn't anything you can do. Mental health issues and treating them are very complex. This is life long, it never goes away. If you are planning to have kids, chances are they will inherit the same issues. Walk away, and don't feel guilty, he's a big boy he will figure it out. Edited January 20, 2021 by smackie9 3
notbroken Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 If you want to be unhappy and 'walk on eggshells' then stay. If not - run! I strongly suggest running. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 Some people do choose to couple up with a person with mental health issues. In those cases, it seems that both people need to go to counseling together to stay on top of the situation and learn to navigate it as lovingly and peacefully as possible. But you are not obligated to stay if it feels wrong for you. A few years ago, I had a boyfriend who had PTSD from Marine service battle trauma. He had many wonderful qualities, he was very loving, and we got along great. But he'd periodically have an episode and stir up trouble as a form of self-sabotage. I really tried to work with this, but there were other ramifications and I just couldn't do it. I broke it off as gently as possible. We've been in touch now and then, and the communication has been very friendly, wishing each other every happiness. I've thought about being friends with him, but I know the attraction was too strong and he's too emotional for that to work. 3
primer Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 Leave. You cannot fix him. It is not your job to fix him and make him feel better.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 15 hours ago, Simmo9393 said: I go to bed wanting to leave him and not look back. Then I wake up confused and feeling like I want to try. I just feel majorly played and now he's spoken to all his friends and family, they've been giving him advice that I am the one who should be more understanding. This is probably the case for one of two reasons: 1) He drastically skews the version of events he gives them, omitting or modifying details to make himself seem a lot more innocent than he is or 2) They aren't actually all telling him that you should be more understanding - but he tells you they said that in order to manipulate you into feeling guilty and staying. 2 1
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 15 hours ago, Simmo9393 said: Hi, we soon started to fight about everything. He's diagnosed with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Small things can set him off, and when his anxiety is bad he tends to act abrupt, attitude change toward me, storm around the house and start disagreements and arguments over things that just aren't issues to normal couples. he takes things out on me and makes me feel bad when his issues are presenting. It feels like walking on egg shells. He has just now admitted that 90% of our fighting is because of his mental health and just fighting with the gloves off - he has no control of his emotions or the things he says when he's upset.. and it's not the first time. He's told me to leave in the middle of the night a few times because of arguments he had started or provoked into. I feel he is manipulating too. Will try and guilt trip me about things and I pull him up about it and he acts as if he doesn't know or think he is doing that. I go to bed wanting to leave him and not look back. Then I wake up confused and feeling like Sounds like a real catch. Trying not to be judgemental here but what is so good about this guy?
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 Living with someone with mental issues, even i they seek treatment, can be a real challenge. If you feel like you are not up to it, it is your right to walk away and seek a better situation for yourself. You should not stay with him out of pity, guilt or hoping to fix him, because you won't. Don't let yourself manipulated into settling for a relationship that seems abusive and obviously doesn't do you any favours. If you have trouble leaving him or you have experienced similar relationships before, seek guidance. Codependency goes hand in hand with abuse.
Datergirl Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 I hate to break it to you but he does have control over what he says, he chooses to say horrible things to you. Its verbal abuse. Think about how the next 6/12 months look like with this guy? Is this what tou really want, to be unhappy and neglecting your needs for him? My ex was like this, everything revolved around his problems, he had PTSD, he would say the most hurtful, awful things, but he refused to seek help. Its exhausting. Yes I'm lonely sometimes now I'm single but its far far better than the chaos that was our relationship. It nearly broke me. I'm much happier without him. You will be too. 4
basil67 Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 16 hours ago, Simmo9393 said: It feels like walking on egg shells. He has just now admitted that 90% of our fighting is because of his mental health and just fighting with the gloves off - he has no control of his emotions or the things he says when he's upset.. and it's not the first time. He's begged for another chance. But what about all of this which he openly admits to? Sounds like he just expects you to put up with his abuse. As for what his friends say, they don't have to have an intimate relationship with him...and it's quite possible he's not telling them the whole truth of what's going on. Besides, the opinions of his friends should be irrelevant to you. 2
snowboy91 Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 As someone who is dating someone with mental health issues while having his own issues, I can empathise that it really is incredibly hard work, even though our issues are very different to those you're describing. It's one thing to accept that his mental health issues are a part of him and know that you can't change him (although he can change himself through therapy if he is willing and able to do the right work). BUT, even though it seems like one and the same, it is in fact a whole other thing to work out whether the relationship is the right one for you, and for him. He needs someone who is able to play the right role in helping with his issues (not as a therapist, as a partner). And that's not a question of whether you are "good" enough, it's whether you are someone who is compatible with doing that - very few people are, so if you're not, that is not a reflection on you. And if you're fighting a lot then there are probably some underlying incompatibilities you haven't addressed or worked out.
ShyViolet Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, Simmo9393 said: I go to bed wanting to leave him and not look back. Then I wake up confused and feeling like I want to try. I just feel majorly played and now he's spoken to all his friends and family, they've been giving him advice that I am the one who should be more understanding. Honestly, who cares what they think? They are not in the relationship with him, you are, and they don't know the full story. Of course he's only going to tell his side of the story to them, and represent himself as the "good guy". You have to do what's best for YOU. Edited January 21, 2021 by ShyViolet 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 Unlike what others have said on here.... him saying about you accepting his disorders means you don’t hold them against him and accept there might be some limitations due to these conditions that you need to accept. at the same time he needs to have these under control by taking meds and getting the proper care. He can’t use thus as a get out of jail card if he abuses you and uses this disability as a reason. you can’t change him. He needs to change himself. both my dad and my sister have Mental health issues. Me and my brother don’t have thus. So the idea thus is passed down to kids is false. how did he get this? Was it genetic or was it associated to events that happened in his life? If it’s the latter it doesn’t get passed down. plan ex gf had anxiety. When I asked her what triggered it she coukdnt tell me because she seemed not to know the triggers.
Acacia98 Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) On 1/20/2021 at 8:30 AM, Simmo9393 said: I go to bed wanting to leave him and not look back. Then I wake up confused and feeling like I want to try. I just feel majorly played and now he's spoken to all his friends and family, they've been giving him advice that I am the one who should be more understanding. I think you should leave. You've reached breaking point. The relationship is doing real damage to you. And the kind of help he seems to need is not help that you are professionally qualified to offer. You talk about the fact that this relationship was rushed from the very beginning. That leads me to believe that he wasn't really ready for a healthy relationship in the first place, and you weren't either. It also partly explains the skewed relationship dynamic and why you seem to feel so powerless. The foundation for the relationship was all wrong. Regarding his relatives, if it really is true that they feel that way, at least you know there'll be somebody to look out for him and make allowance for his mental health once you leave. They can play the supportive role that they supposedly say you haven't played. I point this out because it sounds like the one thing preventing you from leaving is guilt. You may feel like you will be betraying him if you leave. He may even try to make it seem that way. But leaving when things are this bad is not betrayal. It's being honest with yourself about the fact that you're merely human. You've done as much as you can. At this point, staying will only do further harm to you with implications for your own mental health. And, in a sense, it will enable him. Because you're tied up in an emotionally abusive dynamic and instead of getting professional health and working on his issues, he's focusing on hurting you and blaming you. Make arrangements to leave and go. For your own safety, you may want to do so discreetly. Personally, I wouldn't bother telling him I was leaving ahead of time. Because it sounds like you get guilt-tripped into staying whenever you do that. And you have tried talking about your problems enough times for him to know that there are problema. The reasons for your departure would not be a mystery to him. Of course, you could always leave a letter explaining why you left as you did. You need to leave, though. Someone who is as mercurial as he is and who tries to get you to leave home in the middle of the night (several times) is dangerous. The emotional abuse could very easily escalate to physical abuse one day. You are not safe. Leave. This is experience talking, not guesswork: I know a few women who have been in similar situations. One is my relative. This kind of thing never ends well if you stay. Leave. Edited January 21, 2021 by Acacia98 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 Unfortunately there's not just one big basket of "mental health issues". Just as "physical health issues" can't be tossed into one basket. It varies greatly. A cold is not as devastating as cancer, for example. With mental health, it's the same. Some conditions are far less disruptive or disturbing than others. For example mild anxiety is vastly different from paranoid schizophrenia. Just as in physical medicine, some conditions are also more amenable to treatment.
Author Simmo9393 Posted January 21, 2021 Author Posted January 21, 2021 Thanks everyone for your replies! It’s amazing to get this much support and responses regarding this as it has been a hard time for me. As expected.. he’s been on his best behaviour trying to treat me right and pretend to be understanding etc.. until now. I’m moving into a place in a few months and he is getting upset with me that he won’t be there moving in with me.. as this was the original plan a while ago. I told him that IF we can sort out what’s going on, he could have potentially moved in at a later time. But no.. He’s been saying how upset and hurt he is, and just playing a real victim card. I’m going to leave him now. It’s too up and down, and he’s playing on my emotions trying to guilt trip me for him not having a place to live when his rent is up in a few months. 2 2
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 Good decision. Best of luck in your new home. I support your decision because I know that I would never want to live like this. Healthy relationships create calm and peaceful homes. I hope you find that now, on your own. 1
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2021 Posted January 22, 2021 well....if he can't afford rent...maybe one of those family members that said you should be more understanding can take him in. See how that goes. 1
amygirl908 Posted January 22, 2021 Posted January 22, 2021 Mental illness does not give you a license to be abusive. A book that might be worth reading is "Dodging Energy Vampires" - this guy sounds like one. Of course he's been nice lately his source of energy is at stake. Unless he wants to get better and help himself there is no amount of support you can give him that will make your situation any better. On 1/20/2021 at 10:40 PM, Ami1uwant said: both my dad and my sister have Mental health issues. Me and my brother don’t have thus. So the idea thus is passed down to kids is false. On a separate note mental illness is definitely hereditary it's also situational too. Without nerding out too much there's a gene in which the composition of your brain chemistry/dopamine receptors makes you more susceptible to mental illness. Since it's on a gene it's possible for some kids to have it and others to not have it.
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