Did I misread his words and behaviour?

January 19, 2021

I’m a single female, mid 30s, Europe.

About six months ago, I met this guy through a dating app. We lived in different cities (about 7 hours apart) but he happened to be in my city at that time.

We were very attracted to each other and after the date we agreed upon seeing again. So I went to his city twice and then he came to my city once, because he was on a business trip. We talk regularly online/phone, he was open about his past, personal issues and so did I.

We disscused „the future” on our second encounter, because we are both in our late 30s, both have busy lives and a long distance thing was not something we were enthusiastic about.I told him that I was looking for long term relationship/family and he just noded and then said he doesn’t know what he wants, but he asked me to give this a chance, so I accepted.

After our last encounter (December), I was looking forward to the next one, so I wanted to visit him in January, he agreed, but later he told me that unfortunately he had some trouble at his job and couldn’t take time off till March. I was dissapointed, but I don’t suspect he was lying, I knew about job issues before, but I began to feel like I was not going to be a priority in his life.

Also, he asked me on several ocassions questions like: Would I consider moving to his city or adopting his lifetyle (that involves lots of travels) and I said I don’t know that yet, it is too early for me to tell, especially since I would have to change my carreer and lifestyle (I am more static).

Lately he asked me if I would be available to go in a vacation together in June. I was kinda of baffled, since this doesn’t seem the kind of thing you plan with somebody you barely take any effort to see in real life.

So I recently initiated a talk about our status, his expectations, I repeated what mine were and then he said that he likes me a lot, but doesn’t want commitment or children, because he went through a bad divorce and doesn’t want to take that risk again.

I have accepted the situation and I am trying to move forward, but I have two things I don’t understand and would help me to act better in the future:

1) Why did he wanted to give this a chance, knowing that I wanted a relationship and he didn’t?

2) Was I putting too much pressure on him? I knew about his bad break up (2 and a half years ago) and how much he suffers from it, so I did not insist in seeing him too often and he only came to me when it happened to be convenient to him.

Thank you all!

January 19, 2021

7 minutes ago, Perdu said:

he said that he likes me a lot, but doesn’t want commitment or children, because he went through a bad divorce and doesn’t want to take that risk again

Your discussion was excellent and called for, not pressure.

It's pointless investing if this is his attitude.

As to why he pursued it? He likes you, but he's a run around kind of guy.

Delete and block him. Just step forward and forget about him.

As to LDRs, yeah, leave that in the past as well.

Edited January 19, 2021 by Wiseman2

January 19, 2021

You didn't put too much pressure on him. He may have been mulling it over. It might have been easier or more of something he was willing to risk if you weren't long distance.

Date locally going forward. It saves on the heartache

January 19, 2021

3 hours ago, Perdu said:

I’m a single female, mid 30s, Europe.

About six months ago, I met this guy through a dating app. We lived in different cities (about 7 hours apart) but he happened to be in my city at that time.

We were very attracted to each other and after the date we agreed upon seeing again. So I went to his city twice and then he came to my city once, because he was on a business trip. We talk regularly online/phone, he was open about his past, personal issues and so did I.

We disscused „the future” on our second encounter, because we are both in our late 30s, both have busy lives and a long distance thing was not something we were enthusiastic about.I told him that I was looking for long term relationship/family and he just noded and then said he doesn’t know what he wants, but he asked me to give this a chance, so I accepted.

After our last encounter (December), I was looking forward to the next one, so I wanted to visit him in January, he agreed, but later he told me that unfortunately he had some trouble at his job and couldn’t take time off till March. I was dissapointed, but I don’t suspect he was lying, I knew about job issues before, but I began to feel like I was not going to be a priority in his life.

Also, he asked me on several ocassions questions like: Would I consider moving to his city or adopting his lifetyle (that involves lots of travels) and I said I don’t know that yet, it is too early for me to tell, especially since I would have to change my carreer and lifestyle (I am more static).

Lately he asked me if I would be available to go in a vacation together in June. I was kinda of baffled, since this doesn’t seem the kind of thing you plan with somebody you barely take any effort to see in real life.

So I recently initiated a talk about our status, his expectations, I repeated what mine were and then he said that he likes me a lot, but doesn’t want commitment or children, because he went through a bad divorce and doesn’t want to take that risk again.

I have accepted the situation and I am trying to move forward, but I have two things I don’t understand and would help me to act better in the future:

1) Why did he wanted to give this a chance, knowing that I wanted a relationship and he didn’t?

2) Was I putting too much pressure on him? I knew about his bad break up (2 and a half years ago) and how much he suffers from it, so I did not insist in seeing him too often and he only came to me when it happened to be convenient to him.

Thank you all!

1. See the bolded above. He never said he was giving a chance to your desire for marriage and children; rather, he asked you to give a chance to his version of what the relationship should look like (travel, freedom). Your hope/desire led you to hear his response as more than it was.

2. Not sure where this question comes from but it doesn't sound like he was feeling pressured. Rather, you stated again that you want marriage and kids so he saw that you were not going to be happy giving his version of the relationship a chance, so he told you flat out that he has no interest in commitment.

January 19, 2021

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your discussion was excellent and called for, not pressure.

It's pointless investing if this is his attitude.

As to why he pursued it? He likes you, but he's a run around kind of guy.

Delete and block him. Just step forward and forget about him.

As to LDRs, yeah, leave that in the past as well.

Thanks for your answer ! Yes, I also felt like it would be pointless to invest anymore, I wished him the best and ended all comunication. As for the LDR, I had one in the past that started long distance, then we managed to make it "normal" and lasted another 4 years. But I agree, it is not easy to pull off a LDR and I'd do better without.

January 19, 2021

Hi @Perdu

I understand you feel a bit lost .

Firstly, you are quite lucky to be able to travel so much when most countries, especially in Europe, are currently on lockdown. Without wanting to put a dampener on your plans, I'm not sure you'll be able to travel in June either way.

As far as your situation, it sounds like he was honest with you in the moment when he said he didn't know what he wanted. You didn't put pressure on him by asking him that you wanted to establish intentions straight away, though I personally would have accepted the invite to travel, because it's time together in person. He's also letting you know indirectly that he's projecting himself in the future with you in some way, by asking you if you'd consider moving to his city. If neither of you wants an LDR, this seems like a highly appropriate question to ask. By telling him you weren't sure, you are also showing him your ambivalence.

I think you guys should speak more

January 19, 2021

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You didn't put too much pressure on him. He may have been mulling it over. It might have been easier or more of something he was willing to risk if you weren't long distance.

Date locally going forward. It saves on the heartache

Thanks for your answer and advice!

January 19, 2021

29 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

1. See the bolded above. He never said he was giving a chance to your desire for marriage and children; rather, he asked you to give a chance to his version of what the relationship should look like (travel, freedom). Your hope/desire led you to hear his response as more than it was.

2. Not sure where this question comes from but it doesn't sound like he was feeling pressured. Rather, you stated again that you want marriage and kids so he saw that you were not going to be happy giving his version of the relationship a chance, so he told you flat out that he has no interest in commitment.

Thanks for your answer!

1. Yes, you might be right, interesting perspective. I know I got my hopes up and shouldn't have. I might have done this because:

a)our 2d date turned in a 2 week vacation, in which we spent everyday together. It was not movie like romance, but we got to know each other better. At the end of it, we talked about the future and, knowing my expectations, I expressed my disbelief regarding any future. Then he asked me to give this a chance.

b)inbetween date 2 and 3, he kept asking me questions about my willingness to move to his city (which is very small), I told him I'd be hard for me to do that, because my job requires acces to a large city; after that, next time he called he said he thinks about moving and buying a house in another city, much bigger one, and asked me if I would be interested in staying there, with him. For me, that sounded like a proposal from somebody who is considering the chance of some future commitment.

2. My question for the pressure I might have put on him was asked because I did feel at some point that he maybe was considering a potential commitment (see above), but he had to have the initiative for it (not me) and that he maybe needed more time to trust someone again, because of the bad divorce.

January 19, 2021

We get threads like this all the time....when they say "I'm not sure or ready but let us see..." most likely will or usually do say 6 months later "Oh I'm not over my ex, or my last relationship traumatized me, blah blah blah...sorry I can't do this"

I always give this advice: Never take what they tell you as a promise or make it as something promising....it's usually all talk in the moment.

Beware of men who travel for business a lot...girl in every port comes to mind.

January 19, 2021

32 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Hi @Perdu

I understand you feel a bit lost .

Firstly, you are quite lucky to be able to travel so much when most countries, especially in Europe, are currently on lockdown. Without wanting to put a dampener on your plans, I'm not sure you'll be able to travel in June either way.

As far as your situation, it sounds like he was honest with you in the moment when he said he didn't know what he wanted. You didn't put pressure on him by asking him that you wanted to establish intentions straight away, though I personally would have accepted the invite to travel, because it's time together in person. He's also letting you know indirectly that he's projecting himself in the future with you in some way, by asking you if you'd consider moving to his city. If neither of you wants an LDR, this seems like a highly appropriate question to ask. By telling him you weren't sure, you are also showing him your ambivalence.

I think you guys should speak more

Hello to you too and thanks for the answer!

We did not travel much, throughout the six months since we met, I went to him twice and he came to me once-during a business trip. All this happened outside our national lockdown.

As for his invitation to travel in June, as much as I was looking forward to see him again, it seemed to me like accepting it would be for me to agree to his version of relationship, one in which we would see each other once every couple of months, on his terms only. I felt like this rhythm was not imposed by traveling restrictions, but by his availability to meet with me. Unlike me, which I am currenly tied to a city by my current job, he can travel when and anywhere he wants to (it's the nature of his job). At first I thought this could be an assett in starting a LDR, assuming that he, having the means, would come to see me more often. Instead, I was the one who went to him...

January 19, 2021

4 hours ago, Perdu said:

I’m a single female, mid 30s, Europe.

About six months ago, I met this guy through a dating app. We lived in different cities (about 7 hours apart) but he happened to be in my city at that time.

We were very attracted to each other and after the date we agreed upon seeing again. So I went to his city twice and then he came to my city once, because he was on a business trip. We talk regularly online/phone, he was open about his past, personal issues and so did I.

We disscused „the future” on our second encounter, because we are both in our late 30s, both have busy lives and a long distance thing was not something we were enthusiastic about.I told him that I was looking for long term relationship/family and he just noded and then said he doesn’t know what he wants, but he asked me to give this a chance, so I accepted.

After our last encounter (December), I was looking forward to the next one, so I wanted to visit him in January, he agreed, but later he told me that unfortunately he had some trouble at his job and couldn’t take time off till March. I was dissapointed, but I don’t suspect he was lying, I knew about job issues before, but I began to feel like I was not going to be a priority in his life.

Also, he asked me on several ocassions questions like: Would I consider moving to his city or adopting his lifetyle (that involves lots of travels) and I said I don’t know that yet, it is too early for me to tell, especially since I would have to change my carreer and lifestyle (I am more static).

Lately he asked me if I would be available to go in a vacation together in June. I was kinda of baffled, since this doesn’t seem the kind of thing you plan with somebody you barely take any effort to see in real life.

So I recently initiated a talk about our status, his expectations, I repeated what mine were and then he said that he likes me a lot, but doesn’t want commitment or children, because he went through a bad divorce and doesn’t want to take that risk again.

I have accepted the situation and I am trying to move forward, but I have two things I don’t understand and would help me to act better in the future:

1) Why did he wanted to give this a chance, knowing that I wanted a relationship and he didn’t?

2) Was I putting too much pressure on him? I knew about his bad break up (2 and a half years ago) and how much he suffers from it, so I did not insist in seeing him too often and he only came to me when it happened to be convenient to him.

Thank you all!

This guy is looking for easy, low-pressure adventures with women. The fact that he waited to clue you in that he doesn't want a relationship means he intended on using you. Next!

January 19, 2021

20 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

We get threads like this all the time....when they say "I'm not sure or ready but let us see..." most likely will or usually do say 6 months later "Oh I'm not over my ex, or my last relationship traumatized me, blah blah blah...sorry I can't do this"

I always give this advice: Never take what they tell you as a promise or make it as something promising....it's usually all talk in the moment.

Beware of men who travel for business a lot...girl in every port comes to mind.

Thanks for your answer, I didn't know that "I'm not ready yet but..." is such commonly used. It seems that he, not necessarly lying, emphasized only what I needed to hear, in order to secure him an ocassional good time, while I foolishly ignored all the red flags. Lesson to be learned by me ...

January 19, 2021

16 minutes ago, Perdu said:

Hello to you too and thanks for the answer!

We did not travel much, throughout the six months since we met, I went to him twice and he came to me once-during a business trip. All this happened outside our national lockdown.

As for his invitation to travel in June, as much as I was looking forward to see him again, it seemed to me like accepting it would be for me to agree to his version of relationship, one in which we would see each other once every couple of months, on his terms only. I felt like this rhythm was not imposed by traveling restrictions, but by his availability to meet with me. Unlike me, which I am currenly tied to a city by my current job, he can travel when and anywhere he wants to (it's the nature of his job). At first I thought this could be an assett in starting a LDR, assuming that he, having the means, would come to see me more often. Instead, I was the one who went to him...

Fair enough. He does seem to want to compromise by offering to get a house in a bigger city that would suit your job, but if none of this is working for you, then yes, lesson to be learned.

January 19, 2021

5 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Fair enough. He does seem to want to compromise by offering to get a house in a bigger city that would suit your job, but if none of this is working for you, then yes, lesson to be learned.

Though I didn't give any answer clear answer to his proposal regarding moving together in another city, I really thought about it. I even took action in making some career changes that would allow me to make this kind of move, since I also don't want to be bounded by staying in one city. Besides the fact that I needed more time spent together to considerate his proposal as realistic, another thing that held me back is that I expected his verbal invite to be backed by actions, like making future dates a priority for him and I didn't see that happening.

His "I don't want to be hurt again, so I can't risk making any commitment etc" response left me even more confused and now I suspect he had no real intention in us moving together. Or maybe I'm not capable of understanding the logic of asking somebody you barely know to consider leaving their life behind in order to move in and then stating that there can't be any commitment to be expected from him.

January 19, 2021

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

This guy is looking for easy, low-pressure adventures with women. The fact that he waited to clue you in that he doesn't want a relationship means he intended on using you. Next!

A big part of me is thinking the same, I got myself fooled. Thanks for the answer!

January 19, 2021

1 minute ago, Perdu said:

Or maybe I'm not capable of understanding the logic of asking somebody you barely know to consider leaving their life behind in order to move in and then stating that there can't be any commitment to be expected from him.

I understand that totally.

He might be struggling to come to terms with it himself? Meeting you might have caught him by surprise and he's trying to work out a bridge between what he's feeling and where he's actually at?

I'm not in his shoes or yours but sometimes there is such a thing as timing. Life isn't a movie where everything works exactly to a script, sometimes not being ready means you're worried about hurting someone else because you know you're not at your best, yet you know you like the person and struggle to let it go.

But yeah, I guess it's not fair to you either. And as others have said, he might also be a non commitment guy.

It sounds like you've made your choice either way at this point .

January 19, 2021

@Perdu I think you and he want different types of relationships, which makes you both incompatible. He wants a woman to live in his city, who will adopt his transient lifestyle. You want a man who lives in your city, who wants to settle down and start a family.

I think he's ridiculous to ask you to go on vacation in June 2021 with him. Don't do it. You two barely know each other. He cancelled this recent date with you because he's multi-dating (most likely) and probably found someone else. I would stop investing time in him. He was lying to you, definitely, about not being available because of his job. Men lie like that all the time. They use lame excuses like their job, to get out of following through on dates with women they no longer are interested in dating.

Try to find someone local to date instead. Don't waste anymore time with him. He's not worth it.

January 19, 2021

10 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I understand that totally.

He might be struggling to come to terms with it himself? Meeting you might have caught him by surprise and he's trying to work out a bridge between what he's feeling and where he's actually at?

I'm not in his shoes or yours but sometimes there is such a thing as timing. Life isn't a movie where everything works exactly to a script, sometimes not being ready means you're worried about hurting someone else because you know you're not at your best, yet you know you like the person and struggle to let it go.

But yeah, I guess it's not fair to you either. And as others have said, he might also be a non commitment guy.

It sounds like you've made your choice either way at this point .

Yes, yes, you may be right! Of course, I don't expect for anyone else but himself to explain me his thoughts or actions. I just needed some outside perspective, in order to get some closure and learn from this experience, and for that I am thankful to everyone here for being so supportive !

As for timing, especially because I have had encounters with good men in bad times, I decided to let this one go. Even if he wasn't playing me (and I do have my suspcions), I feel like I was more invested in this that he could be at the time, and thus it makes no sense for me to get more attached that I allready am to somebody that seems so confused about his desires or his future.

January 19, 2021

17 minutes ago, Perdu said:

Yes, yes, you may be right! Of course, I don't expect for anyone else but himself to explain me his thoughts or actions. I just needed some outside perspective, in order to get some closure and learn from this experience, and for that I am thankful to everyone here for being so supportive !

As for timing, especially because I have had encounters with good men in bad times, I decided to let this one go. Even if he wasn't playing me (and I do have my suspcions), I feel like I was more invested in this that he could be at the time, and thus it makes no sense for me to get more attached that I allready am to somebody that seems so confused about his desires or his future.

Smart to let him go. Your instincts were correct. He was playing you (which is easy for people to do with people online). He could have just respected you and told you the truth which he didn't do. That is also a red flag. Men at that age, have no excuse not to tell the truth. By the time you are an adult, if you choose to intentionally lie, when the truth is easier to tell, that is the sign of a bad character.

I understand that you got swept up in the fun fantasy of dating him long distance. Unfortunately, his actions showed you, that he was just not as invested in it, as you were. Try to date locally. That way, you can see each other more frequently and not have all this game playing.

January 19, 2021

26 minutes ago, Perdu said:

I feel like I was more invested in this that he could be at the time, and thus it makes no sense for me to get more attached that I allready am to somebody that seems so confused about his desires or his future.

Healthy outlook .

Hope you find someone more suited who fits your lifestyle.

January 19, 2021

Once you saw that he lived 7 hours away, even though he happened to be in your city at that time, I don't understand why you met up with him. Starting up a long-distance thing makes no sense. As others have said, date locally.

January 19, 2021

17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Once you saw that he lived 7 hours away, even though he happened to be in your city at that time, I don't understand why you met up with him. Starting up a long-distance thing makes no sense. As others have said, date locally.

Before the first date, I didn't know where he lived, he did not list a location on his profile and we did not discuss his whereabouts, since the app matched as being in the same location.

At the date I found out that he was only staying in town for a few days. I did not exclude from the start the posibility of a LDR, because I have been in one prior to this (that started long distance and then we managed to move in the same city and stayed together a couple of years), and because he said he travels a lot and can do so at his own will, suggesting he would not exclude a LDR either.

Yes, you are right, dating locally is wiser and much easier.

Though I have to mention that I wasn't bothered by the distance itself, but by the fact that I felt like he was expecting for me to do most of the traveling to meet him, instead of the other way around, like he suggested at first.

January 19, 2021

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

@Perdu I think you and he want different types of relationships, which makes you both incompatible. He wants a woman to live in his city, who will adopt his transient lifestyle. You want a man who lives in your city, who wants to settle down and start a family.

I think he's ridiculous to ask you to go on vacation in June 2021 with him. Don't do it. You two barely know each other. He cancelled this recent date with you because he's multi-dating (most likely) and probably found someone else. I would stop investing time in him. He was lying to you, definitely, about not being available because of his job. Men lie like that all the time. They use lame excuses like their job, to get out of following through on dates with women they no longer are interested in dating.

Try to find someone local to date instead. Don't waste anymore time with him. He's not worth it.

Yes, we do seem incompatible, isn't it?

The proposal for vacation in June infuriated me, don't know if I was entitled to that or not, but I got angry and set him loose.

Thanks for your answers!

January 19, 2021

25 minutes ago, Perdu said:

Before the first date, I didn't know where he lived, he did not list a location on his profile and we did not discuss his whereabouts, since the app matched as being in the same location.

There are certain basic facts about a person that I would make sure to find out before meeting them in person, like their age.. marital status.. where the person lives is one of them.

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