Are you separated/divorced with kids? Care to share your experience with custody schedules?

January 19, 2021

I have 2 teens. They have been moving back and forth every week for the past year. "Moving day" is very stressful for everyone, but generally I like the schedule. It allows me to have 1 week with kids where I spend a LOT of time with them, then 1 week without kids where I catch up on the rest of my life. My ex and 1 kid (possibly both kids) would seem to prefer to switch back and forth every 2 weeks, rather than every 1 week. The prime benefit is that we cut the number of "moving days" in half. But I am hesitant to want to give this a try, for several reasons: My weeks with kids are stressful because I am the parent who enforces rules, bedtimes, internet limits, etc and I get a LOT of resistance on this. My ex will not change his laxness with rules, and I will not suddenly allow my kids to play online all day and night. I also have another half of my life that I'm trying to live that involves work and other personal activities that I don't have time for when kids are here. So it's about balancing my own life too.

I see a lot of info online about different types of schedules, but I am having a hard time finding any discussions from real people living these schedules, specifically parents of teens.

What I REALLY want to know is, if you have a 50:50 custody schedule, what do you do, and how does it work for you and your family? What do you like about your schedule? What do you not like about your schedule.

Thanks!!

January 19, 2021

You will never have a schedule that is mutually beneficial for everyone.

Are you saying that two weeks in a row is to much for you? Haha, try everyday...my hope is that mine leave soon for good.

When we divorced our kids were smaller and we lived close so we used Sundays-Wednesday and Thursday-Saturday alternate. Every other week you had them all week. Then all week without.

I have friends with teenagers who land with whoever on whatever night.

January 19, 2021

Try it, you can always modify it if it isn't working. Give the kids a lot of slack with this .

January 19, 2021

I had the week on, week off schedule too. I thought one week was an appropriate interval. Two weeks would've been too long. I had to be careful to keep things on schedule because my ex-w would try to find reasons to shorten my time. My brother was a victim of severe parental alienation syndrome, and I was determined that I would not allow that to happen. Manipulation of schedules and denial of time was a big part of how his ex-w pulled it off. So when my ex tried to make changes (other than practical accommodation) I gave her a flat NO, and she knew exactly why. I guess this doesn't apply to your situation, but I would probably stick with one week intervals because I would not want to go two weeks without having time with my kid.

January 19, 2021

OK... before I start... why is the exchange seen as a "Moving Day"? To me, that sounds extreme. OK... I do have to admit, my 9 yo has a tendency of taking several bags/boxes of dolls back and forth... but it's kind of random. My 14yo is generally just a small bag with some clothes she may want, and her school bag. If it's a big ordeal... then maybe some $$ should be spent to duplicate some items to make your kids lives easier. In my case, I bought my oldest daughter a second Xbox to keep at her mother's house.

I have a 50:50 custody agreement. I wanted it that way so there is no issue with actual money for child support. But I've always told my kids that I'm fine with whatever they want to do. At first, there was a fight, and the exW took me and my oldest daughter to court because she was disgusted with what her mother had done. But I put my butt on the line to support my daughter. For about a year... I was a 100% dad to her. Eventually, I got her to forgive her mom, and she now will go back and forth.

As of now, my kids go back and forth weekly. I think it's the easiest way. I've heard of too many horror stories where kids have what seem like random schedules. (Every other weekend, and 3 days during the week) Things like that just make it hard on everyone. As far as going 2 weeks... I think that would be hard too. Kids need the influence of both parents, and that's just too much time away. Besides, it wont solve the issue with different parenting methods. In my case... it's the other way around. The exW allowed my oldest kid to pick her own bedtime, and that turned into her staying up till 3am, and waking me up because she's loud playing games. I finally put my foot down with that.

ANyway... I think you should stick with a weekly exchange.

January 28, 2021

Thanks everyone for your comments, I really appreciate them!

@Blind-Sided

It's moving day because they move from one house to another. 1 kid brings a bare minimum back and forth, the other insists on bringing everything. Upon the recommendation of several people, we bought him duplicates of many things so he wouldn't feel compelled to move so much, and then he felt he had TWICE as much to move! He has reduced the amount of stuff that goes back and forth, with the eventual realization that he doesn't actually use most of his stuff most of the time, but basically he wants access to everything, all the time.

And yes, one of my concerns is that this schedule never feels settled. I can plan things on a week to week basis, but if we keep trying different schedules to suit everyone's whims, then it's impossible to plan anything in advance. I personally like the week-week schedule because I get to spend regular time with my kids, they get to spend equal time with their dad, it's predictable and consistent, and doesn't feel like too much time or too little time with and away. But that's just my 2-cents. This continues to be something we can't agree on.

Edited January 28, 2021 by LizArt

January 28, 2021

I work fly-in/fly-out for three weeks on and three weeks off. I have my kids for the weekends I am home, and I'll pick them up from school three days per week and drop them to school the next morning.

Friday night is reserved for my partner and I which serves as our "date night" for the week. I pick the kids up Saturday mornings and drop them back to their mom's on Sunday. I will drop them back Sunday morning if they or I have things to do on Sunday.

If I'm busy on Saturdays (which is rare these days due to Covid), i.e. a friend or my partner's friend is having an adult-only party (drinking) then I might substitute Saturday for a Sunday morning pick-up. Maybe keep them Sunday night and drop them to school Monday.

My ex-wife and I are pretty flexible and we both try to work around things which benefits both ourselves and, more importantly, the kids. Our arrangement seems to work well, with very few gripes from either party, or the kids. The kids enjoy spending time with my partner, too, so that helps!

January 29, 2021

11 hours ago, LizArt said:

... He has reduced the amount of stuff that goes back and forth, with the eventual realization that he doesn't actually use most of his stuff most of the time, but basically he wants access to everything, all the time.

one of my concerns is that this schedule never feels settled.

I think my 9 yo is kind of the same. I haven't bought her extra dolls... but I see what she moves... and most of the time, she doesn't use it. The only thing she actually uses is her tablet and phone. She could be taking a bag with clothes, and her basic electronics, and it would be fine. Honestly, with her... I think it will stop soon. She is starting to hit that age where she really doesn't play with dolls, but a few of her friends still do.

Why doesn't it feel settled? To me, the week on/off feels extra settled. It's super predictable, and you can plan months out. I guess I don't understand why there is any issue with "Everyone's Whims." With the exception of real issues... like someone being sick, or unexpected travel for work, there should be no "Whims" involved.

January 29, 2021

The one week schedule suits YOU, sounds like it doesn't suit anyone else.
Your kids are teenagers, they need stability. Moving home every week sounds like a nightmare.
A two week schedule sounds a lot more settled and acceptable to me.
You concerns re "whims" and not being able to plan ahead are invalid.

January 29, 2021

On 1/18/2021 at 7:22 PM, LizArt said:

I have 2 teens. They have been moving back and forth every week for the past year. "Moving day" is very stressful for everyone, but generally I like the schedule. It allows me to have 1 week with kids where I spend a LOT of time with them, then 1 week without kids where I catch up on the rest of my life. My ex and 1 kid (possibly both kids) would seem to prefer to switch back and forth every 2 weeks, rather than every 1 week. The prime benefit is that we cut the number of "moving days" in half. But I am hesitant to want to give this a try, for several reasons: My weeks with kids are stressful because I am the parent who enforces rules, bedtimes, internet limits, etc and I get a LOT of resistance on this. My ex will not change his laxness with rules, and I will not suddenly allow my kids to play online all day and night. I also have another half of my life that I'm trying to live that involves work and other personal activities that I don't have time for when kids are here. So it's about balancing my own life too.

I see a lot of info online about different types of schedules, but I am having a hard time finding any discussions from real people living these schedules, specifically parents of teens.

What I REALLY want to know is, if you have a 50:50 custody schedule, what do you do, and how does it work for you and your family? What do you like about your schedule? What do you not like about your schedule.

Thanks!!

I have had the same exact schedule with my kids for 8 years now. It has worked really well for me. At one point, my daughter asked for the same thing your child did. She was tired of packing weekly and wanted to move to a 2 week schedule. But I said no. I understand it’s hard for them but as a mom, I was not willing to not see my child for 2 weeks at a time on a regular basis. She eventually stopped asking and she (my youngest) is now in her senior year of high school, so this is all going to end soon.

I’m usually very flexible as a parent and pretty easy going. And I have great relationships with my kids. But there are certain things that they do NOT get to decide if we as parents don’t feel comfortable with it. End of story. It’s ultimately your decision (since your divorce decree says weekly switches between homes). I will tell you that time flies, and they will be 18 before you know it.

January 30, 2021

What is the most importent things in your life? Your kids or your work/sosiale life? And why are you so judgmental about the way your ex reises your children? Remember they are both of Tours.

January 31, 2021

6 hours ago, Harry Korsnes said:

What is the most importent things in your life? Your kids or your work/sosiale life? And why are you so judgmental about the way your ex reises your children? Remember they are both of Tours.

When kids are with their dad, my youngest stays up ALL NIGHT playing on his computer, and then sleeps all day. Dad is not doing any school work with him, isn't making sure he brushes his teeth or takes a shower, or goes outside for some exercise. I think it's really important for my young teen to have some internet restrictions to support his sleeping at night and having a healthy lifestyle during the day. Call it judgemental if you will, I call it raising a healthy kid.

January 31, 2021

Re whims: we are not divorced, we are separated. Therefore, there is no legal decree stating what schedule we must follow. I am the only one seemingly interested in setting this up as a regular and predictable schedule. My ex seems to think it's fine for the kids to come and go as they please. He seems not to be bothered by an unlredictavle schedule. It may be easy to tell me to just put my foot down and insist on a predictable schedule, but you are not the one who has to live with the anger of my ex.

Edited January 31, 2021 by LizArt

January 31, 2021

8 hours ago, LizArt said:

When kids are with their dad, my youngest stays up ALL NIGHT playing on his computer, and then sleeps all day. Dad is not doing any school work with him, isn't making sure he brushes his teeth or takes a shower, or goes outside for some exercise. I think it's really important for my young teen to have some internet restrictions to support his sleeping at night and having a healthy lifestyle during the day. Call it judgemental if you will, I call it raising a healthy kid.

It's not judgmental at all. You are right... the kids need to be healthy, and letting a kid get onto a reversed schedule is bad. Unfortunately... even with a custody agreement in place... you can't force your stbX to "parent" the way you want. As I said above... as my exW was leaving... she let our oldest stay up, in an attempt to win her over... but I put my foot down, and I told her she was no longer making good choices, and she needed to be shut off by midnight, and up by 9am. (non-school days) Even when school started back up... she needed to be up at 6am, and I would go in and wake her once. She would fall back to sleep, (Because she was up too late) and when she would wake up, she would be in a panic, and blame me. At that point... I said... "I woke you up. You are making bad choices by staying up, and not getting sleep, and you can't wake up after only 5 or 6 hours of sleep. AND... if you keep getting logging in late (online school because of COVID)... you will no longer be allowed to be in any preforming extracurricular activities." That got her attention, and she is starting to make better choices on her own. So... you need to make your kid understand why it's bad. As far as not brushing his teeth... start to point out they are turning yellow, and look bad. OR... wait till he get's a cavity. That will get his attention. There is no better teacher than a bad decision, and personal issue.

With that said... I'm not sure what system he is playing on... but several have parent controls. I know Xbox and the Switch will allow you to turn off his connection remotely.

And finally... even though you don't get along with your ex... talk to him, and ask him why he thinks it's ok to let the kids do what they want.

7 hours ago, LizArt said:

Re whims: we are not divorced, we are separated. Therefore, there is no legal decree stating what schedule we must follow. I am the only one seemingly interested in setting this up as a regular and predictable schedule. My ex seems to think it's fine for the kids to come and go as they please. He seems not to be bothered by an unlredictavle schedule. It may be easy to tell me to just put my foot down and insist on a predictable schedule, but you are not the one who has to live with the anger of my ex.

We can't tell you to "put your foot down"... because you have no LEGAL foot to stand on, and you can't tell your stbXh what to do. This will be a thorn in your side until you go and file!! To me... there's no reason to be "Separated"... unless it is a legal requirement where you are. If you are done with your stbXh... then just go file, and get a preliminary custody agreement drawn up.

Now... to the highlighted point above... this changes everything. Looking at your first post... you say this has been happening for a year. Why !?!?! Get a divorce, and get your life back. This thread started as something with a custody agreement... but you don't have one. GO GET ONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 31, 2021

Yes, I started this thread to get an idea of what real people do with their custody schedules, why you do it that way, why it works for you, or doesn't. We don't have an official custody agreement yet, as we're still trying to figure out what works best before a judge tells us what we need to do. This was supposed to be a collaborative process, but it's getting more and more difficult to work together.

I hate feeling like the "bad guy" all the time, the one who enforces rules, the one who tries to stick to a predictable schedule.

Why are we not yet filed and divorced? That's a very complicated question, fit for another new thread. The process has been started and will likely be finalized within the next couple of months. Until then, I'm living in the land of limbo.

I believe kids spending time equally with each parent is good, in principle, and I think we both can be good parents when we're not stressing about this stuff. We have agreed to not tell each other what to do, and I never wanted my kids to feel "in the middle" of anything, so I'm trying to lay low and keep my mouth shut, but it's a painful process to watch with no clear answers. I suspect that it's clear from an outside perspective what we "should" do, but from inside, it's pretty muddy!

Thanks to those who have offered input, I appreciate it. Currently on a pretty emotional roller-coaster ride.

January 31, 2021

13 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

Re whims: we are not divorced, we are separated. Therefore, there is no legal decree stating what schedule we must follow. I am the only one seemingly interested in setting this up as a regular and predictable schedule. My ex seems to think it's fine for the kids to come and go as they please. He seems not to be bothered by an unlredictavle schedule. It may be easy to tell me to just put my foot down and insist on a predictable schedule, but you are not the one who has to live with the anger of my ex.

I did not realize you weren’t divorced with a decree yet.

Your kids need stability and a predictable schedule. There will have to be some kind of schedule in the decree. Once it’s been established, he won’t be able to change it without going to court. I hope you have a lawyer or mediator to help with this.

January 31, 2021

1 hour ago, hippychick3 said:

I did not realize you weren’t divorced with a decree yet.

Your kids need stability and a predictable schedule. There will have to be some kind of schedule in the decree. Once it’s been established, he won’t be able to change it without going to court. I hope you have a lawyer or mediator to help with this.

They allready have schedule. Its the back and forth she's not happy with.

January 31, 2021

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

They allready have schedule. Its the back and forth she's not happy with.

I understand her dilemma. I had posted my response to her dilemma before realizing they’re not officially divorced yet and do not have a decree. Not sure what your point is.

January 31, 2021

6 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

I understand her dilemma. I had posted my response to her dilemma before realizing they’re not officially divorced yet and do not have a decree. Not sure what your point is.

My point is that he is the father he har his right.

January 31, 2021

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

My point is that he is the father he har his right.

Huh? I never said he didn’t have rights.

January 31, 2021

Right now it looks like I'm in favor of kids switching every week, but everyone else prefers every 2 weeks.

I want what's best for my kids. I want what's best for me. I don't know the answers. I am in this moment an emotional wreck.

We all need peace, tranquility, predictability, stability.

Why do I think I prefer a 1 week schedule over a 2 week schedule? I think it's possibly easier to transition on a weekly schedule, and I have worked out my personal single-parent working-kid schedule to match my week-on/week-off schedule. This is a lot trickier (for me) to do on a 2 week rotation. Maybe no one else has this issue, and this is where Im trying to figure out what is best for me. If I think about what's truly best for my kids, it's to have one home with two parents. If I think about it honestly, as a teenager myself, I would have preferred to have one home and not move at all. So that's my conflict. What's best for the kids vs. what's best for me? Am I a strong enough person to either A. have my kids with me full time, or B, let my ex be the full time parent? But I don't think that's right either. I'm really struggling emotionally with this whole situation, and thinking around in circles.

January 31, 2021

4 hours ago, hippychick3 said:

I did not realize you weren’t divorced with a decree yet.

Your kids need stability and a predictable schedule. There will have to be some kind of schedule in the decree. Once it’s been established, he won’t be able to change it without going to court. I hope you have a lawyer or mediator to help with this.

Thats why

January 31, 2021

All I wanted to know in my original post was:

What schedule do you have for your teens moving between parental houses? And does it work for you, why or why not?

January 31, 2021

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Thats why

That does not mean he doesn’t have rights

That means that once she AND her ex decide on a custody agreement, neither of them can change it without going to court. So he can’t just go rogue and decide on his own to let the kids do what they want rather than follow the schedule.

January 31, 2021

2 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

Right now it looks like I'm in favor of kids switching every week, but everyone else prefers every 2 weeks.

I want what's best for my kids. I want what's best for me. I don't know the answers. I am in this moment an emotional wreck.

We all need peace, tranquility, predictability, stability.

Why do I think I prefer a 1 week schedule over a 2 week schedule? I think it's possibly easier to transition on a weekly schedule, and I have worked out my personal single-parent working-kid schedule to match my week-on/week-off schedule. This is a lot trickier (for me) to do on a 2 week rotation. Maybe no one else has this issue, and this is where Im trying to figure out what is best for me. If I think about what's truly best for my kids, it's to have one home with two parents. If I think about it honestly, as a teenager myself, I would have preferred to have one home and not move at all. So that's my conflict. What's best for the kids vs. what's best for me? Am I a strong enough person to either A. have my kids with me full time, or B, let my ex be the full time parent? But I don't think that's right either. I'm really struggling emotionally with this whole situation, and thinking around in circles.

I will tell you that my kids thrived with the every other week agreement because my ex and I didn’t put our kids in the middle. They also liked that they had equal time with both of us. It felt “fair” to them as we are both good parents to them. My ex and I made adult decisions ourselves (with a mediator with some of the details), and the kids did amazingly well with the structure and routine we put in place for them. My oldest are now successful adults (mentally, emotionally, and financially) who look back and have nothing negative to say about their experiences post-divorce. It’s up to the parents to set up those parameters which is why a mediator might be helpful in order for you and your ex to agree.

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