Petrol Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 My partner wants me to organize his birthday get together in about a months time. It's a milestone birthday, but I don't want to do it. On my birthday last year he didn't make any sort of fuss of me, he took me out on the afternoon of my birthday and bought me a present, but I didn't feel special in any way at all, more felt like it was a chore he felt he had to perform. Same when we hit our one year anniversary, he said he didn't even realise and he ignored it, which I felt really hurt by and I told him so, and he brushed it off. I accept that he's not very romantic, but I also think hes just a tightazz. BUT, its really got me annoyed that he expects me to call his friends and arrange this party, so far I've just been passive aggressive and just not called anyone or planned anything and I have no intention of doing it. I know that any day now he'll ask me if I've started organizing it, and I'm unsure whether I should just drop my attitude and go along with it or speak up and tell him he can't expect me to do this when he makes no effort when it's my birthday or other special occasion. Do it, or tell him to do it himself?
Ellener Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 10 minutes ago, Petrol said: I know that any day now he'll ask me if I've started organizing it Make a fun party- on a budget and probably outside with Covid- then explain that's how it's done?! 1
Fox Sake Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 Personally , I think you should be telling him how it made you feel.... nothing can ever grow, progress or change without communication. Then after that conversation you can take it from there. I really would speak about this tho otherwise you’re going to end up building huge resentment. Been there.... 2
basil67 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 (edited) I agree that you need to tell him how you feel - and don't let him dismiss your feelings as they are legitimate Couple of questions: 1. who's paying for your boyfriend's birthday party? 2. why isn't he organising the party himself? Also, I just looked at your history. He doesn't do anything with and for you - this is just more of the same. Are you sure he's really the man for you? Edited January 19, 2021 by basil67 spelling 2
Author Petrol Posted January 19, 2021 Author Posted January 19, 2021 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: I agree that you need to tell him how you feel - and don't let him dismiss your feelings as they are legitimate Couple of questions: 1. who's paying for your boyfriend's birthday party? 2. why isn't he organising the party himself? He would pay for it. I think he thinks its 'womens work' to arrange social gatherings. This is a large part of the reason why Im not going along with it. Its also womens work to be taken out on dates and spoiled sometimes but I get none of that either. Maybe for his birthday I should give him the heave ho.
Fox Sake Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 Chat before you give him the heave ho! Unless of course you’ve had some sort of pan galactic gargle blaster of a realisation. You teach people how to treat you. Chances are you’ve allowed him to think it’s fine to treat you like that. Know you’re worth 1
basil67 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 55 minutes ago, Petrol said: He would pay for it. I think he thinks its 'womens work' to arrange social gatherings. This is a large part of the reason why Im not going along with it. Its also womens work to be taken out on dates and spoiled sometimes but I get none of that either. Maybe for his birthday I should give him the heave ho. Yeah, I once dumped a new boyfriend because when he wanted to organise a BBQ so I could meet his friends. He'd said "I'll do the meat and you can do the salad". Such an immediate insight into his man's work/women's work attitude. It doesn't sound like this relationship is terribly rewarding for you. 2
Author Petrol Posted January 19, 2021 Author Posted January 19, 2021 20 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: Chat before you give him the heave ho! Unless of course you’ve had some sort of pan galactic gargle blaster of a realisation. You teach people how to treat you. Chances are you’ve allowed him to think it’s fine to treat you like that. Know you’re worth Yes, you're right. When he ignored our 1 year anniversary I was really, really hurt, but I didn't let on how hurt. I'm not a tantrum thrower or a yeller, but guess sometimes people only listen when you get violent with them. I prefer to just walk away if I feel that hateful towards someone. 1
kendahke Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 41 minutes ago, Petrol said: When he ignored our 1 year anniversary I was really, really hurt, but I didn't let on how hurt. I'm not a tantrum thrower or a yeller, but guess sometimes people only listen when you get violent with them. I prefer to just walk away if I feel that hateful towards someone. It doesn't take a tantrum or yelling to tell someone that what they did really hurt you, if in fact you were really hurt. If it takes violence to get this guy to listen to you, you're wasting your time with the wrong guy. I think you're at the end of this relationship and looking for a reason to end it... a really good reason just presented itself. Just tell him no, you're not going to organize the party and why. If he complains after you explain to him the reason why you're not doing it, that's your cue to formally end it. What will happen if you don't speak up for yourself is that he's going to make a really innocuous, small mistake and the dam is going to burst and you won't be in control of what comes out of your mouth. Right now, you have a little bit of time to work on what you're going to say when you talk to him and it'll be on your terms, not the circumstance's terms. 1
Fox Sake Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 42 minutes ago, Petrol said: Yes, you're right. When he ignored our 1 year anniversary I was really, really hurt, but I didn't let on how hurt. I'm not a tantrum thrower or a yeller, but guess sometimes people only listen when you get violent with them. I prefer to just walk away if I feel that hateful towards someone. It doesn’t take violence haha! A metaphorical kick in the balls maybe but not a physical one. I can’t say it enough, so many problems in relationships / problem relationships , could be avoided if people were open and honest with each other. Whether it advances the relationship or ends it, it’s win-win in the long run. Communication doesn’t make you a yeller, you might yell while you say things because you’re hurt, but it can only make things stronger if you’re both open to building the relationship, listening and valuing each other 1
Author Petrol Posted January 19, 2021 Author Posted January 19, 2021 38 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: It doesn’t take violence haha! A metaphorical kick in the balls maybe but not a physical one. I can’t say it enough, so many problems in relationships / problem relationships , could be avoided if people were open and honest with each other. Whether it advances the relationship or ends it, it’s win-win in the long run. Communication doesn’t make you a yeller, you might yell while you say things because you’re hurt, but it can only make things stronger if you’re both open to building the relationship, listening and valuing each other Yes, I appreciate all that but I don't think I'll be listened to. Thinking about this and why Im so annoyed at him has made me realise just how much resentment is building up. I have a feeling we're going to have quite a blow up tonight. Thank you for all your input 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 Let him throw a party. Get him a nice gift. You're not his unpaid event planner. 1
Negotaurus Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Petrol said: Yes, I appreciate all that but I don't think I'll be listened to. Thinking about this and why Im so annoyed at him has made me realise just how much resentment is building up. I have a feeling we're going to have quite a blow up tonight. Thank you for all your input Love, you know what he is like. You cannot change him, being grumpy and 'pissy-pissy' will not help you in any way. In your pervious thread you complained about him never taking you out, now it's this. You remind me of those women who are unhappy with their partner, and instead of taking back control, moving on and finding better, they just stay, argue and act grumpy. So you think you're going to have a big fight, okay. What next? Edited January 19, 2021 by Negotaurus
Blind-Sided Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 It's a tough one. But it sounds like the relationship is kind of one sided. You need to talk with him about it. Tell him that you are upset that he won't make things special for you... but he expects you to make it special for him.
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 You were wrong not to tell him how hurt you were about the missed anniversary & his minimal "effort" last year on your birthday. He expects you to do his birthday now because he has no idea you have been carrying around all this pain for so long. This is partly a mess of your own making. You also seems to have no idea how to maturely express your own hurt feelings. You do not have to throw a tantrum, get pissy or be violent to get your point across. It's long past time for you to speak up & express yourself in this relationship. When you disclose your feelings & expectations, things have a chance to improve. If you continue to seethe in silence you will eventual drown in your own poison. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 12 hours ago, Petrol said: He would pay for it. I think he thinks its 'womens work' to arrange social gatherings. Maybe for his birthday I should give him the heave ho. A 6 y/o has mom and dad organize birthday parties replete with balloons, clowns and ponies. Ask him if he wants clowns or ponies. 3
smackie9 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 (edited) Tell him how you feel, and make a compromise....hire a caterer with his credit card for the food (can be ordered online), you go to a party place for decorations and tents, patio heater rental (they will do the set up) , he can send out the invites, you both go to buy the liquor, he can set up the music, you can make up some little gift bags with a couple of friends for the guest (if you want to go that far) etc. Edited January 19, 2021 by smackie9
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 His behavior is a red flag. Can you imagine all the chores and responsibilities you are going to get stuck with if you ever marry him? Is this what you want for your future? 1 1
smackie9 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 I say nip this one in the bud....put your foot down! and communicate! 1
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