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Incompatible? Compromising? Where is the line


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Posted

I guess that's up to us right?

I'm currently having major doubts about my future with my wonderful girlfriend and I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic (spoilt even?) or I'm justified in my feelings. I'm curious as to what other people think and if anyone on here has been in similar situation, what you did... 

I should start with our ages: I'm 29 and she's 26. We've been together for over two years now and both love each other very much. Our day to day is fine, we don't live together yet but are excited to move in together when our current tenancies run out in the summer. In the meantime we see each other and spend multiple nights a week together. We're very affectionate with each other, we enjoy spending time together and doing things whether its a big night out or a chilled day on the sofa. Our sex life is great and we've become very good at communicating with and understanding each other over the last couple of years - if we do have arguments we settle them in a mature way, hearing the other person's point of view and we'll make sure to make up afterwards and confirm our love to each other. Blah blah blah, you get it, the point is I think our relationship is fantastic at the moment, I'm happy with how things have gone and I love her and very much want her to be a part of my life for the rest of it if things keep going the way they are. I've never been happier since I met her. She says the same thing.

But.

We don't agree on anything!

Kids: I've always wanted them, she never has

Marriage: I've always liked the idea of a small wedding and some kind of party later for close family and friends to celebrate, she hates the idea of marriage and a wedding and never wanted either

Buying a house: I'd love to buy larger property slightly out of the city where my money would go further and I might have a garden and multiple rooms to play with, she's only ever wanted a one bedroom property for herself in the city because anywhere else would be boring. The thought of leaving the city is complete nonsense to her despite the increased price of accommodation

Dogs: I've always wanted a dog, she hates them

 

These are the things I've lost sleep over, but then I started thinking more and realised that even little things like our taste in music/films are slightly different to the point where we take turns to choose stuff rather than both enjoy the same things together. I love travelling with a passion, she hates everything about it, I love theme parks and rollercoasters, she is scared and would prefer not to etc...

The small things obviously aren't a big deal, I don't mind listening to her playlist or watching something she chooses and I can go to theme parks or even on trips by myself or with other people, but the bigger things listed above are a concern to me. 

We've spoken about them and have both kind of agreed that compromise is part of a relationship and where we can, we'd be happy to do so for each other because we love each other and want to be together, but I'm just not sure it's right, there are some things you just don't compromise on - kids being the obvious. I'm happy to live in the city for example but part of me also thinks why should I? I've known what I wanted and worked hard for it all my life, why should I now throw away my desire to own a nice big house because of a girl I met when I was nearly 30. Am I being harsh or unrealistic? This is my first proper relationship so I'm not too sure where the line is on this sort of thing. 

On the other things, she has really tried to be more open minded about the idea of having kids since I first said it was something I'd eventually want, and it really shows - she now doesn't seem totally against it but to me it still doesn't feel right that her heart isn't totally in it. Those aren't conditions to have children in my book. She'd be happy for a dog or a child, but not both together. I want both (am I being spoilt?). She'd be ok with a small wedding party even if she felt a little uncomfortable on the day if it's something I really want that would make me happy. At one point I asked her why she was willing to make such big sacrifices to make me happy, when she could have the flat of her dreams with no children running around, what's the point in throwing away the life you've worked towards all this time for the sake of some guy? Her answer was that she's happy with me and doesn't see herself being as happy with anyone else. In her eyes, the chances of her meeting someone that doesn't want kids just like her is extremely low as well so why leave a relationship with someone she loves just to end up alone or in the same situation a few years down the line. 

It's also worth mentioning that she does have quite strong opinions on things that have changed in the past and could do so again. She used to hate the idea of relationships for example, she never wanted to be in one and had nothing but bad examples of men in her life to fuel this. Then we met randomly and hit it off, now two years later she's very happy being with someone. A smaller example is that she hated Valentine's day and never celebrated that either, until I took her out in our first year together and now she loves and looks forward to it. 

So on paper, great, problem solved right? She gets her home in London, and I get my wedding and start a little family. But it doesn't feel right to me. She doesn't have the same 'life goals' that I do. We're not on the same page and I don't feel like she or I should have to adjust what we want in life to please the other on such a big scale. I can't talk about things like this without feeling miserable because whenever I mention my happy family home with child and dog running around in our big garden, she doesn't get excited for what we could have one day, the tone of her voice just makes me miserable as she argues against it.

Has anyone else 'compromised' in this way before? Or not? How do you feel about your decision now?

Posted

You need to be on the same page about marriage & children or what's the point?

At 26 I didn't want those things either but as I matured they became more important.  I would revisit the issue before you moved in together but for now enjoy what you have.  Don't talk about it all the time but do have 3-4 discussions before you sign a lease. 

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

ya dude, you should be looking for someone that wants what you want. And omg don't expect her to warm up to the idea, that will never happen. End it.

I never wanted kids and hell no to getting married/wedding....knew it all my life and I never changed my mind. So if she's pretty negative about it, especially moving out to the country (I hate it too), then what is the point of wasting two more years hoping she will change her mind? I say 3 strikes she's out.

Edited by smackie9
Posted

I'd wonder what kind of person doesn't like dogs and kids.

Posted (edited)

I stopped reading at where you want kids and she doesn't.  If there was nothing else that would be a dealbreaker.  You should believe her.

You staying with her when you want kids and she doesn't is not compromise.  Compromise is meeting in the middle.  You would just be accepting that term unconditionally.

Edited by dramafreezone
Posted

Marriage, kids and house are huge. If you’re not on the same page with that, there’s no point continuing even if it’s not what you want immediately. 
 

Although nobody is a perfect match for us, which is why compromise is so important. But how do you compromise on kids? Not possible.

  • Like 2
Posted

Core values vs nice to haves.  There is a difference.

 

core values that are universal are

 

1 do you want to get married

2 do you want yo have children

3. common religious views and how you raise kids in it.

4. future goals in life like wanting a house and where you live like small town, inner city, or suburbs.

5 a comparability levrl is important in terms of how you two live together.

 

for some other things can be core values like if one is vegetarian, there partner dhoukd try to be too.  If you are older past the time of having children then having kids doesn’t matter.

 

niceto haves are sharing common  interest or feeling you don’t have to give up an interest because of the relationship.  Having pets is a common interest. She might not like dogs because she prefers cats or she is allergic to dogs.

 

Posted
4 hours ago, Stret said:

I'd wonder what kind of person doesn't like dogs and kids.

Really.....

 

some people like myself are highly allergic to dogs snd cats and can’t live with them...even supposed hypoallergenic ones. There is an enzyme in saliva that triggers allergic reaction, it’s not just hair/dander.

 

others feel they can’t see having kids. Thus is common with peop,e in their mid 20s that look at kids as an anchor to their career but thus coukd change 10 years from now. With others they might not be able to have kids due to a medical condition they have  thus condition coukd be pregnancy related that they can’t carry a child or they need to take meds either to control their hormones or another medical condition unrelated that negatively affects pregnancy. Fir examp,e someone controlled with medicine for MH issues...many of these meds don’t work with pregnancy

 

 

Posted
6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to be on the same page about marriage & children or what's the point?

At 26 I didn't want those things either but as I matured they became more important.  I would revisit the issue before you moved in together but for now enjoy what you have.  Don't talk about it all the time but do have 3-4 discussions before you sign a lease. 

I agree mostly.  Signing a lease together over wanting kids is dumb.  
 

as you said you didn’t want at 25 but that changed 5-10 yrs later. A one yr lease isn’t going to change that choice.

 

in a one yr lease you can test out how compatible you are in other ways that are important in a marriage.

Posted

I looked at the title of the thread and feel it's always a very interesting question - it's very hard to tell where the line is with most things.

However, when it comes to what you want your life to look like in future (ie. the big "life" goals) then they need to be aligned. Having kids (or not) is a huge deal. Where you decide to reside is a huge deal. Whether or not you want to get married is a huge deal. And while it's true that sometimes people's feelings about those things CAN change as we get older and our priorities shift, we absolutely cannot bet on that happening.  For example, as I'm getting close to 30 one might expect me to want kids soon, but over time I'm getting more adamant that I don't want them which is actually reinforcing how I felt 5 years ago. All you can do is see her and what she wants at this point in time only, and not speculate on how that might change as she gets older.

The big question is where does a relationship, and that person specifically as a partner, fit in your life priorities. The problem is that if one person becomes a huge priority, other priorities fall by the wayside if your goals and values don't align. And that, over the long term, will erode at the foundation of the relationship and resentment will build because we are failing to meet our own goals because we feel we need to align with the other person's goals. Meeting in the middle can help, but if neither person is happy with how much they have to change, then what's the point?

Posted

The kids thing is a none starter. I actually stopped reading after that.  At 26 there is a slight chance she will change her mind in a few years. Otherwise one of you will likely grow to deeply resent the other. 

I dont believe I've ever heard of a couple happily married long term understand those circumstances.  There can really be no compromise there. One has to give in to the other. 

 

  • Like 1
Posted

You want marriage, kids, the white picket fence experience, the whole enchilada, and she doesn't. I see this as a big difference. I think you can find a good woman who wants what you want. 

Posted

You can't compromise on concepts like marriage, kids, pets etc. 

You can't have half a kid of she doesn't want any.  You can't have half a dog if she doesn't want any.  Heck, you can't live halfway between the city and the edge of suburbia if it's not in the city.

Dude, this isn't going to work. 

You will not find her changing her views all of a sudden.  She wants a city life, in a small tidy apartment where she can duck down to her favorite coffee shop or take-out place a block away.

Can you see yourself accepting a life like that?

The only way your relationship will work is if you do all the compromising.  How do you think that will pan out in the long run?

I am with you in that I like living on the edge of town.  I like room to move.  I love dogs, I love having a shed to work on my cars, somewhere to fit the bike and jet ski. 

I need to be somewhere that's close enough to the city when I need to get there, but far enough away that I'm not consumed by the hustle and bustle.  It sounds like you need the same.

To be honest, her kind of life would be soul-destroying for me.  I suspect that it would be the same for you, too.

So, what are you to do?

I know that the advise on here is usually pretty quickly geared towards ending things.  I don't like to suggest that unless I see it as necessary.  In this case, I absolutely see it necessary.

Yourself and your girlfriend want polar opposites out of life.  You might find each other fun, for now, but I guarantee you that when you guys start cohabiting and forced to compromise, the resentment will start creeping in.

Trust me, you will never be fulfilled having to compromise to extent necessary to appease her.  You'll end up resenting her and I very much doubt she'll ever show you any gratitude for compromising to such a degree. 

In fact, if you pointed this out to her, she'd probably lose any respect she had for you and be even more turned off than she already will be, because women want to be loved, not resented and she'll know this.

I suggest you sit down with her and have a big talk about your futures.  If they do not align, do not even think of moving in together!  

In my opinion, your best bet will be to break up amicably and remain friends.  Obviously you guys love each other, but that is not enough to sustain a life-long bond when you fundamentally disagree on such important issues.

If you both amicably break it off now, you could remain friends and support one another to find the happiness you both wish to derive out of life.  Unfortunately it just can't be with one-another.

Good luck, my friend.

  • Like 4
Posted

The differences are so stark, I'm wondering what it is that you guys have in common, other than that you have dated each other.

 

  • Like 1
Posted

You may be thinking that you are really happy and you don’t want to risk losing that over what you may be able to compromise on.  And you are thinking about spending the rest of your lives together because love conquers all.  I have been there.  The reality is that these differences will erode the relationship over time as another poster said.  You are both accommodating now because you have young love but as you get older the unhappiness will follow you around.  Not unhappiness like you are miserable but unhappiness that you are not fulfilling your own wants and needs.  
It is very likely that you will break up due to how different you are, so don’t even start a family with her.

‘You will be able to find someone more compatible.  That you can count on.

But great question!  Awesome to see it coming from a guy lol.  I am always thinking about this exact question in my current relationship.  You will never find perfect but when you are young why not at least try. Don’t settle.

Posted

OP, to answer your question more directly, compromise presumes a different relationship than the one you apparently have with your gf.

In a really good relationship, that is getting really serious (marriage is on the table), both partners will be thinking of what they can do to give the other partner what they want and need. And then both partners will also ask what they feel comfortable giving. And you try to find a blend that is going to give each partner a good amount of what they want without making the other partner miserable.

In a really good relationship, couples think about this--what exactly each partner really wants and what compromises the other is willing to make. The best way to do this is openly and above board, so that no one is walking around secretly thinking they "gave in" more than the other. You want all compromises openly talked about.  Sometimes one partner seeing how hard the other is working to give them a lot of what they want ... will feel satisfied with getting less than all they want--simply because they appreciate the effort the other partner has gone through. 

I don't sense you guys are anywhere near this level of conversation and negotiation. Another question you want to ask and know the answer to before getting married is this: is my partner someone who will look after my interests and preferences as well as their own as we go about making decisions? And the flip of this: is my partner someone I like so much, I enjoy being with so much, that I instinctively look after her preferences as we go about making big decisions? Ironically, in order to compromise like this, you need to really appreciate and be comfortable with the ways your partner is different.

This is high-level stuff: because if you over-compromise, you run into all sorts of problems. Holding your nose and closing your eyes and pretending to be satisfied with a compromise doesn't work.  Each person has to fully own the compromise. 

There is a famous international negotiator, William Ury, who talks about all the agreements he worked on (often to end wars and strikes) that fell apart because one partner compromised too much ... and as soon as the agreement began to be implemented, the partner that compromised too much realizes they went too far. The agreement falls apart. So, after spending much of his career urging parties to compromise, Ury changed course somewhat. He began to push parties say no to any agreement that doesn’t meet a fundamental need.

 

Posted

It sounds like you two are happy together now.  But you don't share the same future goals at all.  There is no point to this relationship and it has no future.  You can either end it now, or it will fall apart a few years down the line.  The choice is up to you.  

If she doesn't want kids, it's actually quite wrong of you to push her towards having kids that she doesn't want.  Don't ever bring kids into the world if both people in the relationship don't really want them.

Posted

What puzzles me is dating for 2 years when these huge deal breakers were never discussed. Did you or she think the other would just sort of change?

Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What puzzles me is dating for 2 years when these huge deal breakers were never discussed. Did you or she think the other would just sort of change?

They will more likely just push on until it implodes.  50% divorce rate and this is why.

Edited by DKT3
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone, I kinda knew where this was heading but had to see it as well. I haven't replied in here frequently, but I have read and do appreciate everything said.

I also want to make it clear that I've never pushed her into having kids. I've stated I wanted them and as a result she has tried to be more open minded about the possibility against what she previously thought, that's it. 

 

Anyway, I guess the writing is on the wall. I barely slept all night... 

  • Thanks 1
Posted (edited)

I think at the end of the day, either you omit certain aspirations to be with your partner, with there being a high risk of resentment down the road, or you reach a midpoint and modify your timeframe. There are occasions that it is important to make sacrifices, but it should not be where both of you are in a perpetual state of sacrifice.

Edited by Alpaca
Posted

Op

I don’t want to give you false hope, however I felt it helpful to tell you this. 
 

At 25 (one year younger than your girlfriend) I lived very close to the city. I had my own house, a fantastic social life and I was very career focused and driven. Settling down and becoming a mother was the last thing on my mind. In fact one of my friends fell pregnant at the same age and I remember thinking that it would be the worst thing that could happen to me. 
 

However, when I was about 28/29ish all of a sudden (and overnight  it seemed) I had urges to become a mother. The maternal instinct just seemed to kick in. 
 

Whilst pregnant with my first child, city living, the party lifestyle and the city hustle and bustle just didn’t appeal to me anymore. I was ready to give up my “freedom” (as I saw it) and adopt a brand new lifestyle. 
 

So ultimately  I ended up living in the suburbs in a big house with my 2 children and a dog. I love it! 
 

The point of me telling you this is to emphasise that at this moment  in time what your girlfriend wants now could potentially change. This is not uncommon. On the other hand what you want, like and aspire to could also significantly change. Likes/ wants/ desires change as you get older. 
 

At 29 you are not under any pressure to make such life changing decisions. You are both very young. 
 

My suggestion is to give it a bit more time, especially if your otherwise happy.  You may find that you come to meet in the middle as time goes on. 


 

 

Posted
21 hours ago, TurntSloth1 said:

This is my first proper relationship

And that is why you are so in love with a woman who is totally incompatible.
You see getting along and sex as the be all and end all, but in order to have a future, a relationship needs a lot more than that.
The incompatibilities you list are not things you can compromise on. 
They are huge black and white issues.
You either have kids or you don't have kids and a woman who is railroaded into or who feels obligated to have kids will not make a good mother.
People who don't like dogs, don't like dogs.
People who love living in the city will hate living in the country.
You need to be pushing against open doors all the time, not persuading someone to change their core selves.
Young women can be malleable, they can want to please and can be persuaded, especially for "love".
BUT the problem with that is a thing called resentment and once she is living in the country with two dogs and a bundle of kids, bored out of her skull and hankering for her old life, she will hate you for it. 
Similarly, living in a small box in the city, with no dog and no kids will drive you insane...

  • Like 2
Posted

How are you two getting along? 

Posted
4 hours ago, TurntSloth1 said:

 

I also want to make it clear that I've never pushed her into having kids. I've stated I wanted them and as a result she has tried to be more open minded about the possibility against what she previously thought, that's it. 

I know that you aren't purposely pressuring her or pushing her into it, but you know that she doesn't really want them.  You know that her saying she's "open to it" doesn't represent her true feelings about it.  You know deep down it's not what she wants.  So it would be a terrible idea to go down this road.

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