Person who works for same organization as I am and I'm not sure what to take out of it

January 18, 2021

Let me preface this by saying that I am 33, extremely introverted, and can have a pretty hard time reading someone, let alone meeting and making friends with someone. I tend to have a bad habit of not really being able to gauge whether someone is just being nice or if they're being "more than just nice," if that makes sense. I work in the Materials Management department of a hospital, which is a job that takes me to the various units and departments throughout the day. One of the areas I tend to service requires me to go to multiple times a day (at least twice a day, sometimes more because of how busy it can be), and there's usually only one or two people there at any given time. The person who happens to work in this unit the most often (and who often comes over to our department rather frequently because she's in charge of her units ordering) is a young woman who happens to be in her early to mid 20's.

I've always found this girl to be rather pretty (despite multiple people in my department saying that they thought she looks simply average) and I tend to always say 'good morning' or 'how are ya?' when I see her. Every so often, she and I will engage in a little bit of small talk here and there (such as "you got any plans for the weekend? or "what do you got planned for thanksgiving?" quick things like that), but not really much beyond that. I get the feeling that she is pretty introverted as well, but tends to be comfortable around people she's around a lot. Over the last 8 or 9 months, every so often I'd noticed she was looking at me while I was doing something unrelated from her, as if she was going to (or wanting to) say something but just chooses not to. Even once, after I had gotten a relatively new hair cut, I also noticed that she not only had to do a double take at me, but she ended up staring at me for quite a bit of length at time (I pretended to not notice because, again, I'm extremely introverted, and besides, I had gotten a lot of compliments on my hair up until that point. So I didn't really know how to react.)

Just recently, as I was in her unit recently, I noticed that she was kinda giving me that 'about to say something' look that she sometimes give me and then ends up saying something along the lines of "This is going to sound extremely terrible, and I apologize now, but what is your name? I'm so bad with names and I feel bad." I tell her that it's cool, I'm not great with names either (despite knowing hers and I tend to say it whenever I tell her good morning) and then I tell her my name. Since then, whenever I saw her, she makes it a point to not only say something to me, but to throw my name in there whenever she's talking me (I'm serious, every time she's said something to me, she's look me square in the eye and throw my name in the sentence she's saying).

Now, being the person that I am who has a hard time reading someone, is this normal "nice" type of talking or is it "more than just nice" type of talking? I mean, I know there's an age gap there, but the age gap doesn't really bother me in terms of dating (as long as she's over a certain age at least, I know for a fact that she's over 21 because I overheard one of her co-workers saying as much to her). I wouldn't really mind dating her, but I honestly can't tell if she's showing genuine interest or if she's just being nice for nice sake.

Any suggestions on this? Am I over analyzing things, am I taking it the right way, or should I just leave it alone and keep the status quo?

Edited January 18, 2021 by Wolfie87

January 18, 2021

Sounds like she is making the best of working these days by being friendly to co-workers .

It's ok to have a crush on her, but probably best to keep it professional and limited to polite chitchat.

Try not to stare this much or talk behind her back to other co-workers regarding her looks.

January 18, 2021

Hi @Wolfie87

Firstly, it seems you are self-aware about your people reading skills. It's good you are questioning yourself and checking for advice.

In you situation, I think it's fine to keep it friendly and professional for the sake of preserving a good working atmosphere, as there doesn't seem enough to warrant going further.

Also, when left unchecked, sometimes a crush can develop into a bit of an unhealthy obsession, so it might be a good idea to look into researching how to spot signs of interest from other people and subtle social cues.

What you could do is ask people who know you well in person to guide you through it and give you pointers, or observe how other, more naturally socially aware people interact with others, or reading relevant literature on improving people-reading skills - trial and error, but possible.

It's also worth bearing in mind that everyone (not just introverted people) can read a situation or a person wrong, so don't blame it all on your introversion!

January 18, 2021

Well, dating coworkers can sometimes be trouble - but no one listens to that, lol

If you must find out if she likes you, ask for her number.

January 18, 2021

8 hours ago, Wolfie87 said:

Let me preface this by saying that I am 33, extremely introverted, and can have a pretty hard time reading someone, let alone meeting and making friends with someone. I tend to have a bad habit of not really being able to gauge whether someone is just being nice or if they're being "more than just nice," if that makes sense. I work in the Materials Management department of a hospital, which is a job that takes me to the various units and departments throughout the day. One of the areas I tend to service requires me to go to multiple times a day (at least twice a day, sometimes more because of how busy it can be), and there's usually only one or two people there at any given time. The person who happens to work in this unit the most often (and who often comes over to our department rather frequently because she's in charge of her units ordering) is a young woman who happens to be in her early to mid 20's.

I've always found this girl to be rather pretty (despite multiple people in my department saying that they thought she looks simply average) and I tend to always say 'good morning' or 'how are ya?' when I see her. Every so often, she and I will engage in a little bit of small talk here and there (such as "you got any plans for the weekend? or "what do you got planned for thanksgiving?" quick things like that), but not really much beyond that. I get the feeling that she is pretty introverted as well, but tends to be comfortable around people she's around a lot. Over the last 8 or 9 months, every so often I'd noticed she was looking at me while I was doing something unrelated from her, as if she was going to (or wanting to) say something but just chooses not to. Even once, after I had gotten a relatively new hair cut, I also noticed that she not only had to do a double take at me, but she ended up staring at me for quite a bit of length at time (I pretended to not notice because, again, I'm extremely introverted, and besides, I had gotten a lot of compliments on my hair up until that point. So I didn't really know how to react.)

Just recently, as I was in her unit recently, I noticed that she was kinda giving me that 'about to say something' look that she sometimes give me and then ends up saying something along the lines of "This is going to sound extremely terrible, and I apologize now, but what is your name? I'm so bad with names and I feel bad." I tell her that it's cool, I'm not great with names either (despite knowing hers and I tend to say it whenever I tell her good morning) and then I tell her my name. Since then, whenever I saw her, she makes it a point to not only say something to me, but to throw my name in there whenever she's talking me (I'm serious, every time she's said something to me, she's look me square in the eye and throw my name in the sentence she's saying).

Now, being the person that I am who has a hard time reading someone, is this normal "nice" type of talking or is it "more than just nice" type of talking? I mean, I know there's an age gap there, but the age gap doesn't really bother me in terms of dating (as long as she's over a certain age at least, I know for a fact that she's over 21 because I overheard one of her co-workers saying as much to her). I wouldn't really mind dating her, but I honestly can't tell if she's showing genuine interest or if she's just being nice for nice sake.

Any suggestions on this? Am I over analyzing things, am I taking it the right way, or should I just leave it alone and keep the status quo?

Could go either way.

If you talk regularly..ask her if shes on any social media i.e snapchat/instagram. Sometimes the younger generation ask for social media details instead of going straight for the number.

January 18, 2021

Based solely on what you wrote I can't tell. I am good at reading people so I know if I had more then your perspective alone I could tell in a heart beat. Sorry

For now assume friendship only but keep your ears open & keep talking to her. Find ways to make conversation to learn things like what she feels about interoffice dating in general & does she have a BF. If you can figure out when her break is, see if she wants to take hers with you.

January 18, 2021

This is how it really works....if you find someone attractive you find out if they are single through conversation...then you proceed to ask them out. that's all you have to do. You don't worry about "signals" or "did she just flirt with me there?" etc...none of that matters. You go ballz in and ask her out on a date. So what if she says no, you are not going to fall into a pit of death. Brush it off, be friendly about it and carry on as normal.

Maybe something to look into....sounds like you may have Asperger's Syndrome. It can make you socially isolated not being able to see or know social cues.

January 18, 2021

Thanks everyone who responded. Yeah, I'll probably just hang back on it and see where it goes, for the time being at least. I totally get jumping head first and just going for it and disregarding whether "signals" are being sent out or not. If she was a person that I didn't see almost everyday, then I'd probably do just that. However because I do have to go into her unit rather frequently I don't want to make it awkward for either one of us. I see it from two sides, #1: I see a lot of seemingly successful relationships occurring at my organization (there are people in my department who've been married to people from other departments in the same organization for years, and people from two departments unrelated to ours also been in the long term), so it wouldn't hurt to try. But then there's #2: I'm moving around enough where I'd still bump into her even when I'm not really meaning to, so despite that she and I are in different departments of the same organization and it's less weird than if we were in the same department, but I still get that idea of "maybe I shouldn't," bug because I'm really not wanting to make things weird for anyone.

I guess that's also why I wanted to ask how this situation came off, I didn't want to make it awkward one way or another, either by saying something and making her think "ugh, this guy's such a creep" or not doing anything and have her think "damn, this guy's cold, I'm trying and he's just brushing me off." I wouldn't mind dating her and seeing where it goes, but I also have to remind myself that I've gone this long on my own, I'll be ok and I'll survive if it continues this way.

One of the things that spurred me into paying attention (not the primary reason, or even the first reason, but still a pretty big reason) was that I had a direct co-worker who knows the both of us tell me, unprompted and out of the blue, I should try talking to her and see where it goes because he thought that she and I would work pretty well together. I know her just enough to know that she's a bit of a geek (which I am too), so there's that that makes me want to get to know her better. But given my not-so-great people reading skills, when I go for something I tend to walk away thinking to myself "damn, I really made myself look stupid and came off like I had no idea what I was doing!" and just leave it, therefore missing out on plenty of opportunities with people I'm actually attracted to.

I get where the idea of Aspergers Syndrome would come in, but I don't think that may be the case. I mean, it could always be possible, but I think I just tend to over analyze some things (such as this case), under analyze others (because there's been times where I've had friends tell me "dude, that girl you said you were interested in was totally hitting on you and you acted like it was just a regular conversation") mixed with a slight bit of social anxiety.

Sorry for the essay length posts, I know it's a trudge to go through, but such is life being a bit of self-sabotaging over-analyzer.

January 22, 2021

On 1/18/2021 at 12:26 PM, Wolfie87 said:

I don't want to make it awkward for either one of us.

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. People ask people out everyday and remain friends/friendly even if the answer was no. If you like her ask her to do something with you and it doesn't even have to be as formal as "asking her out". Keep it casual and friendly and see where it could go!

January 22, 2021

You are just making excuses for something that is so simple to do. Here's a tip: people like you worry what people are thinking about you...you know what? people don't waste their thinking time on stuff like that. They completely dismiss it and carry on with their own day to day thoughts..... they are not thinking about you or judging you. So you ask her out and she says no.. 2 minutes later she's thinking about what she's gonna have for dinner, to pick up her dry cleaning etc.

Edited January 22, 2021 by smackie9

January 24, 2021

@amygirl908 @smackie9You're both right, honestly. I know exactly how I am, and I am one of those people who is just timid enough to make things more awkward then they need to be because I always draw a blank about the how and what to say when I actually say something.

And smackie9, I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. I tend to build myself up for days on stuff like this......only to make an excuse a half second before I actually jump in so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I think that you're probably right, where there may be a quick "that was kinda weird or unexpected" then go back, but I always fall back on past experiences and worry to much about how someone is going to react or what they'll think of me, and I don't take rejection very well.

For a while I would blame it on my looks, because I wasn't really the most attractive person in the world, which isn't really the case in reality. I don't think I'm necessarily unattractive, but I'm definitely no definition of "great looks." Recently I had lost a lot of weight (on purpose), completely restructured the way I presented myself (not only in my general appearance, but in the way I dressed and carried myself), and decided to just roll with a lot of things. Plus, me being a guy with very noticeable red hair can make things go in one direction or another very easily.

My experiences have usually been me casually asking a girl out, only to have them either cease talking to me or act like I had just said something blasphemous (despite just saying something along the lines "hey, you wanna go get something to eat sometime?"). So saying that, I also will admit that I have a lot of doubts and based on past experiences, still have a bit of lingering low self esteem (as you all could probably tell in previous posts). I usually think to myself about how many times I've gotten turned down, looked at funny, or lost a connection with someone who I thought I had a connection with and it gets me pretty discouraged. I'm realizing more and more now based on a lot of my day to day experiences that, like I said earlier, I'm just timid enough to make myself come off awkward when I really matters to not come off that way (which causes me to simply not try, than to even bother and once again just fall flat on my face again).

Kinda makes me wonder how many people I've accidentally turned down or broken the hearts of due to me being timid and accidentally cold, honestly.

January 24, 2021

From my experience with shy timid guys that had asked me out as a teenager(this is years ago of course) when I turned then down they usually ended up harassing me and ask "why are you so nice to me then if you don't want to go out with me", or the old "You led me on!" ugh!! So as a woman, that experience follows you into adulthood. I'm sure that's what they were avoiding and they didn't want to give you the wrong idea. You already know what you have left to work on, and that is being rejected. Can't take it personally, because you can't expect everyone to be interested. When it happens be positive, gracious and don't show disappointment. brush it off. Do the "Oh well have a nice day" attitude.

But anyways, you are making the right steps towards successful dating, I say very impressive. Confidence is all you need now. Like I say don't focus on one, always have your dance card full of options. If one says no, you look forward to asking someone else out.

Edited January 24, 2021 by smackie9

January 24, 2021

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

From my experience with shy timid guys that had asked me out as a teenager(this is years ago of course) when I turned then down they usually ended up harassing me and ask "why are you so nice to me then if you don't want to go out with me", or the old "You led me on!" ugh!!

I can certainly tell you that this isn't me by a long shot. I've always took it from a girl as a "there must be something about myself that she didn't like" type of response, and never gave the "WTF is wrong with you, letting me think you liked me more than a friend?" response. It would bother me when I get turned down, of course, but I never really blamed the person of any wrong or tried to give her the guilt trip, because I know that no healthy relationship can start off that sort of thought process. I just took it as a blow to my self confidence and carried it, but never tried let the other person feel like they were a bad person for turning me down.

In the case I'm in now, I kinda like this one, a little more so after talking to her more a few days ago after finding out that she and I were watching the same show at the same time and we were both enjoying it about the same amount (I know that's such a minuscule thing to like someone over, but hey, it's still pretty early and and it's ok start off small, right?) She seemed like she's getting more talkative with me over the past couple weeks, more so after I've become more noticeable in my weight loss, have started trying to be a little more confident in the way I've talked to people because of it (I started saying hi to her more often over the past month or so then I had before since I DO see her on a near daily basis), and even more so after I've finally found a place open to get my haircut and now have a much sharper look than I ever had in these past few months (I've slowly started getting some of my confidence back since last June due to me working hard to try and reshape myself into the better person I want to be, though there are still a lot of times where my self doubting still lingers and I have a hard time fighting it off). I've never been an outright "hey, you wanna date me?" type of guy, I've always more of a get-to-know-her-first type of person (which in itself also leads to a lot of my over analyzing in itself), but if it keeps going I may get to that point where I just may have to ask "hey, you want to go do something sometime?"

Again, I'm still not sure if there are any of those 'signals' being thrown out, or it's as others have pointed out, she's just being nice in order to try and make the environment around her more enjoyable, hence why I'm just trying to take it slow for the time being and see where it goes for the time being. Who knows, it may go somewhere, it may not. Either way, it is what it is.

Edited January 24, 2021 by Wolfie87

January 24, 2021

I would just ask her to lunch so you can feel out the vibe a little more and take it from there. Co-workers go to lunch all the time.

January 24, 2021

1 hour ago, Wolfie87 said:

I can certainly tell you that this isn't me by a long shot. I've always took it from a girl as a "there must be something about myself that she didn't like" type of response, and never gave the "WTF is wrong with you, letting me think you liked me more than a friend?" response. It would bother me when I get turned down, of course, but I never really blamed the person of any wrong or tried to give her the guilt trip, because I know that no healthy relationship can start off that sort of thought process. I just took it as a blow to my self confidence and carried it, but never tried let the other person feel like they were a bad person for turning me down.

You misinterpreted what I meant (I kinda saw it coming and should have reassured you I wasn't saying you acted that way to cause that reaction). I meant their past experience like myself...it makes women not engage with someone after having that experience. It's a knee jerk reaction to avoid repercussions of the rejection. I wasn't saying you acted like some obsessive creeper lashing out. A lot of women on here have had those experiences, especially with OLD, and many choose avoidance/ghosting. You can't take that personally. Their choice to avoid is just them, and has nothing to do with you.

January 24, 2021

36 minutes ago, healing light said:

I would just ask her to lunch so you can feel out the vibe a little more and take it from there. Co-workers go to lunch all the time.

I agree with this....instead of making a big deal out of it...lets just minimize the anxiety by going out for lunch as coworkers. Give you kind of a rehearsal, test the waters.

January 26, 2021

Yeah, that's actually a good idea and I'll certainly take it into consideration. Maybe I'll throw that out there if/when she and I end up talking about something else in the future. Maybe just be like "hey, what time you take your lunch? I'll talk more about with ya then" or something like that, see where it goes.

January 26, 2021

Only proceed if you can afford to be without this job.

February 5, 2021

Ok, so a little bit of an update on this. I ended up talking to a direct co-wroker of mine about the subject, and I had asked her opinion on the matter considering that she knew both me and the other person I had stated that I kinda liked, what her thoughts were, and exactly how I should go about it if she thought it was a good idea (and, well, admittedly I asked her for a little bit of help through it too, honestly, due to the fact I am so intensely shy about things). It wasn't really so much that I didn't appreciate the advice given here, honestly it was because I wanted to talk to someone about it who knew the both of us.

Well, my coworker did offer (and acted upon) on putting few feelers out (because she does know I have a little trouble in properly conveying something like this to someone I am interested in), just to kinda gauge the thoughts of the one I was interested in about dating someone who worked for the same organization. From what my co-worker told me, she casually brought it up in conversation yesterday (when I was off work) to the girl I liked about how my co-worker knew someone who may be interested in getting to know her better, but didn't want to say any names because she just wanted to know how she felt about possibility dating someone from work. She had told me she was purposefully being vague about who it was and was just asking for the sake of asking and not wanting to make things awkward. From what I understand, the one in question seemed a little apprehensive, stating that she wasn't looking for a relationship but also stated that she was at least willing to give it a shot just to see where it went, but was also pretty curious on who my co-worker was talking about. My co-worker just stated that she wasn't going to say, just that the guy was pretty shy but was still a good guy. Then today, the one in question came into the department, stated she knew who she was talking about, and threw my name out there. My co-worker said yeah, it was, but just reiterated that she was just asking to see how she felt about dating at work and wasn't wanting to make things awkward for anyone.

My co-worker didn't really go into detail about where the conversation went after that, she just stated that she thought that I should say something to the other one, but just as friends. After some contemplating, I kinda do think it was a good idea to just talk as friends because I really don't want to make things weird for anyone, especially at work. Honestly, I felt kinda weird asking someone I knew in person for advice for something like this because it's hard for me talk about relationships, really, because I've been pretty spurned before and a lot of my self confidence in the matter is kinda gone (which is a bad mindset to have going into a relationship, I know).

On 1/26/2021 at 5:26 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Only proceed if you can afford to be without this job.

It's funny you say that, because I'm actually looking for other opportunities honestly. So I don't really feel too bad, only just bad enough to feel weird about it

February 5, 2021

OK so it's a no.
Just friends, in reality means no.
I would leave her alone, she is not interested..

February 5, 2021

It's best not to gossip with coworkers about other people and your personal crushes on co-workers as well as expect them to use company time to help you figure out your dating dilemmas.

What you need to do is get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

February 5, 2021

I actually agree with the both of ya. I'm just gonna leave it and that's it.

@Wiseman2 I didn't really see it that way, but I think you're probably right. I made sure to talk to someone I was pretty close with and trusted; and I made it a point to say that I wanted to keep it under wraps and to not let it get around, even though the dynamic of our department is....kinda different. For a big part of our department there's more of a family vibe, and it's pretty laid back on a lot of things, if that makes sense? I mean, we're a group that more than half actually communicate outside of work on a lot of different things that are non-work related.

So yeah, like I said, I'll just let it stand as it is, won't go any further, and just take it as a lesson to not really let it go again.

February 5, 2021

Having someone fishing around for you or putting it out there, even if in a discrete manner, is never a good idea even if it is volunteered. It really shows insecurity, and women get turned off by that. Women like some confidence... just enough to have the guts to just ask for a date to grab coffee. There is a message in what she said...that she would have given it a shot, and see....possibly if you had simply asked her out things might have been different who knows. Hearing "too shy but a nice guy" is not what you want to put out there. This co-worked should have mined their own business.

So the best way to approach things in future is to ask women out that don't intimidate you, just for practice. You are not obligated to ask them out again so don't worry. This will give you an opportunity to practice approach, carry a conversation, date planning, etc. AND to get a handle on over analyzing, fear mongering, nervousness and all that other stuff. I have worked with a few over the years, and this method seemed to really work.

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