SunnySide0418 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost 3 years. when we met he told me his divorce was final for one year and I recently found out it wasn't actually final until 5 months after we started dating. He claims he went by what his attorney told him. There have been other issues in the relationship and we go back and forth. This is really bothering me because even if he didn't deliberately mislead me it tells me he didn't have a clue what was going on in his life. Am I overreacting?
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said: I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost 3 years. Sorry this is happening. So many red flags from on/off to lying to rebound. Step way back and reconsider if you want to waste your time and energy on this recipe for headaches and heartaches. If you want a happy life with a trustworthy person, you're in the wrong situation. 2
Blind-Sided Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 Well.... To me, the actual date of the divorce is a moot thing. If it was a bad divorce, then I'm sure to him, he was "Divorced" as soon as the paperwork was started. I know in my own case... As soon as I knew there was no fixing what my exW thought was wrong... I was "Divorced". I would have had no issue meeting a girl at that point, and I would have probably said I was divorced too. But for full disclosure, I didn't date anyone until after things were official. For me, it was that I was still sad inside. But on that point... I wouldn't hold onto that point as an issue. With that said... I don't think I've seen any of your other threads... but if there are other issues that make it an "On/off" relationship... it may be time to move on based on that. Either way... sorry you are at this point. 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 Maybe he told a little white lie to portray himself as single so he could date you - because he likes you. Not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, people don't lie - rather, others don't listen.
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 That's the kind of lie I couldn't get past. Whether you can or not is up to you. The only upside is that he is now actually divorced.
smackie9 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 So what are the other things that have come up? 1
Versacehottie Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 I think I would need to hear more about what he ACTUALLY said when he initially told you he was divorced. If he said, "my divorce was final in January 2020" when it really was in June 2020--that seems like an outright lie and a big red flag. If he said "I'm divorced" in january 2020 and you subsequently found out that it was finalized or got additional details subsequently that the papers were finalized in june2020, it possibly means he said it in an off-hand way that meant they started the process and in their minds they were divorced/filed papers not that he was being precise in his meaning that it was finalized. I'm guessing the on/off business and other issues are contributing to you thinking this is a LIE. Like probably multiple red flags--yeah you can't ignore that or a gut feeling. Are you going to walk away? I kind of get the feeling that you've proceeded despite noticing red flags....and are kind of hoping against hope or your better judgement or waiting until something bad happens or he makes the choice. I would encourage you to take a proactive role in your own life and decide what YOU want to do. It's about more than pinning down an exact lie or splitting hairs about this kind of stuff. I think you already know the answer but are looking again for a "sign" when the preponderance of gut feeling stares you in the face IMO. 1
smackie9 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 Off and on for 3 years? sounds like a real waste of time and energy. And now you are here concerned about the actual divorce date? That says to me this should be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
SumGuy Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 11 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost 3 years. when we met he told me his divorce was final for one year and I recently found out it wasn't actually final until 5 months after we started dating. He claims he went by what his attorney told him. There have been other issues in the relationship and we go back and forth. This is really bothering me because even if he didn't deliberately mislead me it tells me he didn't have a clue what was going on in his life. Am I overreacting? Probably overreacting. It depends on what you call "final" I can say in mine we signed the final papers 2 months before we got in front of the Judge for him to approve them (earliest date we could get) then where I live has a 6 month period where it is not final-final/legally final (as in for tax purposes etc.) So in my mind, and likely my attorney's if I had asked, it was final when we all signed the papers but technically under the law I understand it wasn't final until over 8 months later. In my case we pushed to move things quickly, believe me it was easy for her to delay, or for various things that needed to be checked and entered, assets sold (especially a house), etc. to delay things I was told. My attorney planned ahead so this didn't happen to me. Not surprised at all the date it was completely final was 17 months after the date he thought or his attorney told him it was done. I can also say, he may have relied on his attorney. Not so much he is clueless but took his attorneys assurance and he may well wanted to just put this behind him and not dwell on the details. Frankly I consider it a good sign he put it behind him as soon as he thought he could. People that voluntarily dwell on the details post divorce are usually far from over it. I think it is unfair to throw this on the scales with the other issues. Especially as it sounds like this happened over 2 years ago. Unless of course you don't think he filed for divorce until after you started dating, but find it very hard to believe a divorce could be final in 5 months or less even when their is cooperation. All that being said, it implies in no way that these other issues aren't enough to reconsider the relationship. 1
ShyViolet Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 If this was the only thing, just a simple date, I could probably get past it. If you know that he wasn't actually still involved with the ex-wife, then this is just a date on a piece of paper. But why have you been dating him "on and off" for the past 3 years? What are the "other things" that have been a problem in this relationship?
poppyfields Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost 3 years. There have been other issues in the relationship and we go back and forth. This is really bothering me because even if he didn't deliberately mislead me it tells me he didn't have a clue what was going on in his life. Am I overreacting? I think it's time to go separate ways. This issue is such a minor blip that after 3 years together, it shouldn't be as significant as you're making it out to be.. And if things were good between you, you wouldn't be. Just wish each other well and leave. There's someone better for you out there and vice versa. Edited January 18, 2021 by poppyfields
Author SunnySide0418 Posted January 18, 2021 Author Posted January 18, 2021 He's a very needy person with a bad upbringing and the relationship has been emotionally exhausting at times. I've needed space a few times. I don't think he deliberately lied. I think he took his attorneys word for it which I think was when they signed the papers. I guess if this was the only issue I'd let it go but because there's many others is just added to the list. He's full of drama and a defensive person so little things often get blown up. I don't think I can spend my life with him and it's probably fine for both of us to move on. 3
ShyViolet Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 19 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said: He's a very needy person with a bad upbringing and the relationship has been emotionally exhausting at times. I've needed space a few times. I don't think he deliberately lied. I think he took his attorneys word for it which I think was when they signed the papers. I guess if this was the only issue I'd let it go but because there's many others is just added to the list. He's full of drama and a defensive person so little things often get blown up. I don't think I can spend my life with him and it's probably fine for both of us to move on. Ok then, the divorce date is not even the issue. That should be the least of your concerns. It's the fact that you feel emotionally exhausted by this relationship and you don't feel that you can spend your life with him. Face these facts, and stop wasting your time and his time on this relationship that's not going to work out.
Watercolors Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) 59 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said: He's a very needy person with a bad upbringing and the relationship has been emotionally exhausting at times. I've needed space a few times. I don't think he deliberately lied. I think he took his attorneys word for it which I think was when they signed the papers. I guess if this was the only issue I'd let it go but because there's many others is just added to the list. He's full of drama and a defensive person so little things often get blown up. I don't think I can spend my life with him and it's probably fine for both of us to move on. Ugh. Why would you waste 3 years of your life with a guy who lies like that, and who's done other things to you that are red flags. If you're emotionally exhausted 3 years after meeting him, that should trigger your common sense like a blaring alarm, that he is NOT someone you should be investing your time and energy with. Edited January 18, 2021 by Watercolors
kendahke Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 13 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost 3 years. when we met he told me his divorce was final for one year and I recently found out it wasn't actually final until 5 months after we started dating. He claims he went by what his attorney told him. There have been other issues in the relationship and we go back and forth. This is really bothering me because even if he didn't deliberately mislead me it tells me he didn't have a clue what was going on in his life. Am I overreacting? Would you have stopped dating him for the 3 months until his divorce was finalized? Has he had a valid, executed divorce decree in his possession in the past 31 months? While this would take me aback, staying in the relationship would totally depend upon what I put up with and stuck around for for the past 31 months and why... and if that outweighs what you can stomach, then you need to rethink this relationship 1
dramafreezone Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 8 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: With that said... I don't think I've seen any of your other threads... but if there are other issues that make it an "On/off" relationship... it may be time to move on based on that. Either way... sorry you are at this point. Yes, why she is in a relationship that's "on and off" is the more pressing matter IMO. 1
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 Who remembers their divorce date? I don't. I can't even remember if it was 2008-2009 or maybe 2010. THAT issue alone I would not care but the rest of your story indicates your guy has bigger issues than a falty memory. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 16 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for almost 3 years. when we met he told me his divorce was final for one year and I recently found out it wasn't actually final until 5 months after we started dating. He claims he went by what his attorney told him. There have been other issues in the relationship and we go back and forth. This is really bothering me because even if he didn't deliberately mislead me it tells me he didn't have a clue what was going on in his life. Am I overreacting? just focusing on his divorce. if he’s not involved and just relying on his attorney there could have been a date set up then some small technical issues in the divorce fine print came up. This can happen. when I went thru my divorce it was legally referred to as a disillusion of marriage which requires 90 days from the time one party is served with the divorce paperwork. In my case it took a little longer than 3 months for a judge signature. theother relationship issues is a separate matter.
chillii Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 (edited) The divorce thing is nothing and it was what3yrs ago , who cares and it could easily be legit. l wouldn't have a fkg clue what my divorce date was and coildn't care less. The thing that matters is the relationship "now" , and where it's at you have 3yrs to go by , whether your happy want the same things see a future both want a future , love each other ? Only you and him know those answers. But on and offs not exactly a good sign usually but again only you know why all that was. Edited January 18, 2021 by chillii
Brooke02 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 On & off? First off and Im out. I don’t understand how people break up and get back together multiple times. You deserve better. 3 1
Mrin Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 Just tossing this out there. It took 2 or 3 years for my divorce to be final (lol can't remember). I had my own rental house within 30 days of deciding. We split all the liquid assets after 60 days. I had purchased my new home within 6 months. We had everything worked out from alimony to custody. We just had a few common assets that were very non-liquid and difficult to split up. And neither of us were really in a hurry to get through everything. But - I considered myself and portrayed myself as divorced. As far as either of us were concerned, it was just a formality.
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 Fudging the divorce date is just the icing on this crap cake Reconsider this relationship. It will be one lack of integrity moment after the next. People like this offer a lot of headaches and heartaches, while you listen to one excuse after the next.
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 On 1/18/2021 at 5:57 AM, SunnySide0418 said: when we met he told me his divorce was final for one year and I recently found out it wasn't actually final until 5 months after we started dating. Some people are good at dates and know every date in their lives and other's pay little attention to dates and would struggle to provide a date for any significant event in their lives, so if he said he got divorced in 2007 and it was actually 2008 then I don't think that is significant, but here he was still going through the divorce and misled you to think he was divorced when he wasn't. That I guess was a deliberate lie. BUT this is apparently is just another black mark in the copybook of a guy whose copybook has already been blotted.
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 That's definitely a red flag indicating a possible deceptive behaviour. Maybe he wasn't exactly lying and has considered himself free right after separation, equaling "divorced" or maybe he lied and he wasn't ready to end the marriage before you met and dating you made him finalise that decision. I'd suggest reviewing the relationship, and if you can find any other warning signs, it's better to walk away. Without knowing further details, being on and off for 3 years doesn't indicate much potential to it, unfortunately. 1
Recommended Posts