BNKSTR0308 Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 I apologize for the long winded backstory beforehand. Although myself(38) and BF(45) have known eachother for 10+ years, we have been dating for 9 months. We are both single parents, and have ltr(or marriage) beforehand. The last 9 months have been up and down. This is now the 3rd time that he grows cold and distant, showing little affection and ZERO attraction. When asked his answer is always in regards to my weight. Now, my weight is always up and down. Since last March, due to a mix of gym closure, new position that has increased screen time, depression, etc Ive gained significant weight. It something I’m very sensitive about as I’ve always struggled with it and he knows this. He is not perfect and I have accepted and researched his struggles with his STD and being bi-polar. In October, he tried breaking up saying there isn’t a sexual spark with us. That everything else is perfect, but THAT specifically is lacking. He tells me I need to start losing weight or it might be over. (FYI- im not obese, maybe have gained 30 lbs. size 12). 3 weeks later, he tells me he didn’t mean that. That he loves me for me and that he selfishly was projecting his fear of serious commitment onto me. He goes on saying how he knows I’m the one, told his family about how he wants to marry me, etc etc. Things are great, he knows I want to lose weight, he helps cooking me healthy dinners, is supportive, talks about our future, etc. Fast forward to this week. I brought up one night that things feel different and if there’s anything going on. He begins to go on again about my weight and how he thought it wasn’t an issue, but it is. That he will always love me, and will never leave me over it, but very directly said “I’m not sexually attracted to you! You need to lose weight. I’m sorry if I’m shallow or visual, and yes I love you, I’ll never leave you over it, although I agree it feels like we’re heading in that direction. But whenever we’re together I don’t have that want to be sexual with you or really be physically affectionate. You’re beautiful but not in a sexual way to me”. Obviously this hurt.... bad. He went on to say “I told you this was an issue before but you haven’t done anything about it. If you truly loved me you would’ve changed things before”. That was 2 weeks ago. I’ve stopped or shut down any plans to see eachother because I’m now embarrassed. I’ve been dieting and going to the gym for a month. I hate that I’m becoming embarrassed and resentful (I financially support him because he’s on disability) and want to change. We haven’t had sex in over 2 months). Idk, I’m hurt. I’m hurt that he acts like him staying with me is some kind of “favor”. I hate that I now feel ashamed to even see him. I hate that 3 weeks ago he’s going on and on to his family how we’re going to get married (On Christmas while we were there together). I hate how I feel like we’re drifting apart. Mostly I hate that the man I love more than anyone, has zero want to be intimate with me. He doesn’t understand that by him saying that I get self conscious when he “wants” to. obviously aside from eating better, and going to the gym (which I have been consistently for a month) what else can be done? Can you really love someone without sexual attraction? Starting to feel used for what I do for him!...confused and broken
Calmandfocused Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 I agree that he’s not going to leave you. He isn’t going to leave you because you financially support him. Please stop this immediately and start respecting yourself. You choose to financially support a man who quite openly tells you he doesn’t find you attractive and doesn’t want to have sez with you? Why??? You tell us this piece of information like it is irrelevant. It isn’t. Everything centres around this. I’m sorry to say it but this is why he stays with you. He isn’t going to love you more by losing weight. He’ll continue to “love” you whilst you continue serving your purpose. Please stop letting yourself be used. lose weight for yourself. Not for him. He sounds like a moron. A disrespectful moron who expects others to support him. Ugh! Set better standards for yourself. Your not even married to this man. 1
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 Not sure why you posted a thread when the answer is pretty obvious this is the worst relationship to be in and you need to breakup and move on.
ShyViolet Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 You seriously need to break up with this guy! It would be better to be alone than to be with someone like this. Where is your self-respect? If you want to lose weight and get healthy, then great, do it for YOURSELF, but not for him.
Ami1uwant Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 The others are finding a reason for you to dump him grasping a reason of him on disability thus he must be using you just for money. attraction is an important part of a relationship. For him he is saying it’s your weight gain. It coukd be, or it coukd be an easy excuse for other reasons. At his age you can start to have erectile issues and lowers ex drive that he doesn’t want to admit he has and just blame you.
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 Run Get out now. He's eroding your self respect in so many ways. Cut your losses. 45 weeks is a good time to observe what's happening and reflect and reconsider. Focus on your friends and family and work and interests. Take care of yourself and your health but for you, not to keep this clown happy. 1
Author BNKSTR0308 Posted January 18, 2021 Author Posted January 18, 2021 Thank you for the responses this far. I guess my issue and confusion lies is that he’s been interested in me for years... before I was successful, before and after weight gain/loss, before the money, etc. I agree I need to do anything for myself before anyone. 100%!! And that’s why I’m doing it. I guess my question is how? How after almost a year can you have such hurtful things to say... I don’t want to break up because I feel he really loves me but damn.... how do I know what is real or not?!?! 1
Calmandfocused Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 8 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: I guess my question is how? How after almost a year can you have such hurtful things to say... I don’t want to break up because I feel he really loves me but damn.... how do I know what is real or not?!?! Because his “love” is conditional. Conditional on you looking a certain way and you continuing to provide for him. He says these things to you because : a) he can as your feelings matter little to him and b) he knows you won’t leave him so there’s no consequence to him not being “honest”. Why are you with him op? No sex and lots of criticism sounds terribly unfulfilling to me, especially after a mere 9 months. Expect worse to come if you’re with him long term.
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 15 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: his struggles with his STD and being bi-polar. STD?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 This guy has no respect for you. Don't set the bar so low that you wind up with a man like this: critical of your weight (he should stayed broken up with you if it were that much of a problem for him), financially dependent on you - what exactly are you getting out of this lopsided and unfulfilling relationship? And so what if he was interested for years before this? You've discovered that being in a relationship with him sucks and is detrimental to your well-being. You need to run.
Lorenza Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 If you don't want to break up with him, then welcome to the rest of your life - feeling inadequate, used, unloved and stressed. 1
magnolia18 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 He doesn't love you. Love is unconditional. You don't love somebody provided they lose weight or go to the gym, or have plastic surgery or dress differently or whatever. You love someone for the person they are inside. Attraction is a different thing and it definitely does play a role into starting a relationship with someone or not. But once you do start a serious relationship and get to really love the other person for everything they are, inside and out, you can't possibly stop loving them because they have gained some weight!. This is not a nice man to be around and you should never be made to feel that you have to change for somebody else. This is not a healthy relationship for you. And I agree he will not leave you as you are financially supporting him! But what is there in this for you?
Weezy1973 Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 19 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: Can you really love someone without sexual attraction? Of course. Love is just wanting someone (the person you love) to be happy. I’m sure he does love you. But the question is do you want to be in a relationship with someone that isn’t attracted to you? I was in a relationship for 6 years with a woman I wasn’t attracted to. I loved her and it was a healthy relationship in every other way. But the lack of attraction is what ended it, and honestly it should have ended a lot sooner.
Brooke02 Posted January 19, 2021 Posted January 19, 2021 Thats verbal & emotional abuse. You need to break up. The longer you’re with him the longer you won’t find the right person, you deserve better then that. 1
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