Guys who have dated someone they found physically unattractive: What made you go for them and not someone more attractive?

[MeadowFlower]

Guys, if you have dated or been in a relationship with a woman who wasn't physically attractive, what made you go for her and not a pretty woman?

Also, did you ever want to leave her for a better looking woman? (Even if you didn't actually leave her.) 

Edited February 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Blind-Sided]

I did this once in you young life.   I was probably 18 or so... and horny.  She was a blind date my friend set me up with so he could date her friend.  We all went to a local pool hall, and we all had a good time, and at the end, she came home with me, and we had GREAT sex.  That weekend, we went to a local amusement park, and I realized I didn't like her in the daylight.  LOL.  After that date, I told her I didn't think it would work out... but she came over and we had more sex.  That just made it harder to break it off.... but I did.

There was no relationship... [edited to remove inappropiate comment]

Edited February 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropiate comment

[MeadowFlower]

@Blind-Sided How come you didn't want to date her, yet you had sex with her? 

 

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

Guys, if you have dated or been in a relationship with a woman who wasn't physically attractive, what made you go for her and not a pretty woman?

Also, did you ever want to leave her for a better looking woman? (Even if you didn't actually leave her.) 

I've always found the women I've dated physically attractive, even if she may not have been "physically attractive" by what main stream culture and media where I live, at least used to portray, as attractive, which to me is a pretty anorexic and plastic look.  

I am generally not tempted if I meet a more attractive woman as there is much more to it than physical attractiveness for me.  Frankly, for me, a large part of the value in physical attractiveness comes in bed...and the arousal it brings.  Will say though that the most "physically attractive" women I have been with have not been the best in bed.  I could care less about the social status aspect of having an "attractive" person on my arm.

Also, not certain what is meant by "physically attractive."  Do you mean as just seen in a photo? As there are women I have met that are far more physically attractive in person than a mere photo.  Some women just have a something-something, just exude physical attractiveness in a way a camera can never capture.  Maybe its pheromones.   

[MeadowFlower]

23 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I am generally not tempted if I meet a more attractive woman as there is much more to it than physical attractiveness for me. 

Well that's a good thing. 

 

23 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Also, not certain what is meant by "physically attractive."  Do you mean as just seen in a photo? As there are women I have met that are far more physically attractive in person than a mere photo. 

By physically attractive I mean, attractive in the way they look, both in photos and in person. Like someone might be attractive in other ways due to their personality, intelligence... But I'm referring strictly to the physical element. 

Edited January 17, 2021 by MeadowFlower

[SumGuy]

2 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

...

By physically attractive I mean, attractive in the way they look, both in photos and in person. Like someone might be attractive in other ways due to their personality, intelligence... But I'm referring strictly to the physical element. 

Hmmm, I can say there are women I have met that there is something about their presence, they don't need to say a word....maybe it is non-verbal cues.  I am not even talking about overt things like flirty/sexual body language or dress.   Something just how they were centered in their body that turned my interest to 11...a chemistry that far exceeded looks based on photos and before a word was spoken.  Perhaps they were fae and it was magic?   Or perhaps was just simply subconsciously picking up on demeanor, but I felt it as a physical attractiveness.

[dramafreezone]

Looks are very subjective.  One person sees ugly, another is turned on.

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Looks are very subjective.  One person sees ugly, another is turned on.

Absolutely.  She could have probably cleaned up if she wanted to.  as I recall... it was bad skin, and bad teeth.   

[MeadowFlower]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Many people don't believe in that and cling to the superficial.

But genuine attraction "to" another person far exceeds merely finding them attractive to look at. 

Most males are incapable of loving a woman unless he finds her physically attractive. Aka, they are incapable of true love. 

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

Most males are incapable of loving a woman unless he finds her physically attractive. Aka, they are incapable of true love. 

Wow, what an insult to men. 

Bolded - I don't agree with that at all.  Not my understanding or experience.

Agree physical attraction is important, I posted that earlier.  But it's also subjective; when a man feels that "pull," that energy with a woman like SG described, a 5 can turn into a 9 in "his" eyes. 

I've known men who have fallen in love and married women who were not their usual type physically.  Women their friends might not have considered attractive. But she was to him.  

Many men will disagree claiming this notion is a woman's frame but I've seen it happen with men too.  My brothers and men in a support group I used to attend.

And SG just admitted as well.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[trident_2020]

32 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

Most males are incapable of loving a woman unless he finds her physically attractive. Aka, they are incapable of true love. 

You're meeting the wrong guys.

 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, MeadowFlower said:

Most males are incapable of loving a woman unless he finds her physically attractive. Aka, they are incapable of true love. 

I think it's more about meeting the minimum prerequisites looks-wise.  After that, the woman can make herself more attractive with her attitude, her feminity.

Not only are men capable of true love, I think men actually love harder than women.  Who does most of the breaking up, men or women?  Who does most of trying to get the other person back?  Women move on from a relationship much more easily than men in my opinion.

Edited January 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Not only are men capable of true love, I think men actually love harder than women.  Who does most of the breaking up, men or women?  Who does most of trying to get the other person back?  Women move on from a relationship much more easily than men in my opinion.

Wholeheartrdly agree.  I think it's true that men love harder and take longer to recover from a love gone wrong than do women. 

In some cases, they never do and it manifests into how they view and conduct relationships going forward.  

My brother got his heart ripped out by his first love 20 years ago and I don't think he has ever gotten over it.

He may not pine over her like he used to, but he's got fears and anxieties up the wazoo and sadly hasn't been able to sustain a decent long term relationship since. 

My second ex bf tried to get back together with me 7 years after we broke up.  

Edited January 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Foxhall]

On 1/17/2021 at 5:56 AM, MeadowFlower said:

Guys, if you have dated or been in a relationship with a woman who wasn't physically attractive, what made you go for her and not a pretty woman?

there are certain guys out there who are "tired" both physically and mentally,

they have lost their vigour and grown lazy, they are perhaps at least mildly depressed

these men are not interested in sex but still need companionship, they will seek a partner for a brotherly sister type of companionship and hence they will go for a woman who will be relieved to simply have a partner and nothing more,

I am influenced possibly by a recent conversation with one such guy of this mindset but I suspect there are plenty more of similar mindsets.

 

[mark clemson]

One of my college GFs wasn't very good looking but we had lots of drunken sex so I stuck around. This was during a time in my life when I wasn't making the best decisions. (One of a few periods like that, I suppose.) We were together several months. She was significantly emotionally unstable as well and while I found that interesting for a while, she was the one who eventually hit her own head on a doorknob. So that was where I ended it, as "enough is enough".

Speaking generally for me, there are more things that can be attractive that just appearance and/or "traditional beauty". Body, sexuality, pretty face (specifically), personality, "style" of interaction, voice, intellect can all come into play for me.

For myself, I would much rather have a "regular looking" woman with a decent body and a sweet or engaging personality than a beauty queen who's stuck up and/or [unpleasant] all the time. And of course if a woman is just plain and ALSO [unpleasant], she's dead in the water. That said, if a woman is sweet SOME of the time, and a bit [unpleasant] SOME of the time, for some reason I tend to like that somewhat if there are other positive characteristics.

Edited February 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language

[Wiseman2]

With the right fitness, nutrition, grooming, clothes, confidence, etc, most anyone can be reasonably attractive.  Not model gorgeous/handsome, but certainly intriguing.

[stillafool]

I think excellent grooming has to do with how attractive one can be.  The main thing is one person's idea of good looking may not be what another's is but beautiful is something that most can't deny.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/17/2021 at 12:56 AM, MeadowFlower said:

 a woman who wasn't physically attractive, what made you go for her and not a pretty woman?

Make sure you don't have body dysmorphic disorder or are getting wrapped up in mirror-mirror games.

People who think they got a bum wrap and only beautiful women and rich guys find dates, often just don't want to work on themselves to be the best they can be and enjoy thier lives. 

[Trail Blazer]

On 1/17/2021 at 4:26 PM, MeadowFlower said:

Guys, if you have dated or been in a relationship with a woman who wasn't physically attractive, what made you go for her and not a pretty woman?

Also, did you ever want to leave her for a better looking woman? (Even if you didn't actually leave her.) 

It's an odd question to ask when you've not provided a context for asking it.  It seems a little loaded, actually.

To answer your question, though, I think many guys have dated women they don't find physically attractive at some point in time.

I have.  Why?  I think it was a combination of youth, convenience and a misguided belief that personality is more important than looks.

Did I want to leave for someone better looking?  I guess when the rot set in I wanted to leave for someone better in every way.

Edited January 20, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

On 1/19/2021 at 3:34 AM, MeadowFlower said:

Most males are incapable of loving a woman unless he finds her physically attractive. Aka, they are incapable of true love. 

These are mutually exclusive. 

I cannot fully love a woman I find physcially unattractive.  However, I love very much the woman I am with, with whom I do find extremely attractive.

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I cannot fully love a woman I find physcially unattractive.  However, I love very much the woman I am with, with whom I do find extremely attractive.

I am glad you said that you find physically (extremely) attractive versus IS extremely attractive.  One man's 5 can be another man's 9 or 10, it's so subjective.

I used to date a man who thought Angelina Jolie (back around 15 years ago when nearly every man on the face of the planet thought she was HOT) was gross.  I am serious.

For me, Brad Pitt who is used a lot on this and other forums as being the epitome of hotness does NOTHING for me, never did.

Those are just two examples of how subjective a man or woman's beauty/physical attractiveness is.  I bet that even Julia Roberts found her now-ex, Lyle Lovett  attractive at one point in time.

Attraction (physical and sexual) are what differentiate a romantic involvement from a friendship.  I agree that for a man (or woman) to truly love, they must find him/her physically attractive at least initially.   If not, why bother dating, simply remain friends.  

That said, there are exceptions such as with sapiosexuals, whose attraction stems from the person's intelligence, not physical appearance.

 

Edited January 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[snowboy91]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am glad you said that you find physically (extremely) attractive versus IS extremely attractive.  One man's 5 can be another man's 9 or 10, it's so subjective.

I used to date a man who thought Angelina Jolie (back around 15 years ago when nearly every man on the face of the planet thought she was HOT) was gross.  I am serious.

For me, Brad Pitt who is used a lot on this and other forums as being the epitome of hotness does NOTHING for me, never did.

Those are just two examples of how subjective a man or woman's beauty/physical attractiveness is.  I bet that even Julia Roberts found her now-ex, Lyle Lovett  attractive at one point in time.

Attraction (physical and sexual) are what differentiate a romantic involvement from a friendship.  I agree that for a man (or woman) to truly love, they must find him/her physically attractive at least initially.   If not, why bother dating, simply remain friends.  

That said, there are exceptions such as with sapiosexuals, whose attraction stems from the person's intelligence, not physical appearance.

 

This is such a great point, and something I usually mention in other threads discussing attractiveness. Which is why there is not much point putting "hotness" on a 10 scale since everyone has a different opinion.

In my extended friendship groups there are a few girls who would be considered "universally" attractive but they do nothing for me. One of them likes to manipulate guys with her looks but gets frustrated when she can get nothing from me  And then there are others I've found very attractive which others don't quite understand.

It's why I say to anyone struggling in the dating world to keep trying - someone out there will find you attractive. But it's always best to try and present yourself the best way you can - as opposed to old clothes, dishevelled look, etc.

[MeadowFlower]

On 1/21/2021 at 1:39 AM, Trail Blazer said:

To answer your question, though, I think many guys have dated women they don't find physically attractive at some point in time.

I have.  Why?  I think it was a combination of youth, convenience and a misguided belief that personality is more important than looks.

That is NOT a misguided belief. 

[Miss Spider]

I think the modern idea of romantic love in which we bond for life based on attraction  and compatibility is a relatively new concept in human history... This idea that you can blend all the excitement and passion of sexual desire with stability and practicality of a long-term friendly relationship wasn’t that common until a few centuries ago. Prior to that, people more easily saw the delineation between sexual desire and long-term compatibility. The idea of romantic love nowadays is one that is under pinned by a mixture of sexual desire and friendship, so yea the sexual desire needs to be there. 

 

[Trail Blazer]

11 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think the modern idea of romantic love in which we bond for life based on attraction  and compatibility is a relatively new concept in human history... This idea that you can blend all the excitement and passion of sexual desire with stability and practicality of a long-term friendly relationship wasn’t that common until a few centuries ago. Prior to that, people more easily saw the delineation between sexual desire and long-term compatibility. The idea of romantic love nowadays is one that is under pinned by a mixture of sexual desire and friendship, so yea the sexual desire needs to be there. 

 

I totally agree with you.  Because of this, it makes it very hard to find someone who ticks all the boxes.  It makes us all fussier.  

Dating (in the pursuit of a life partner) is a challenge because it comes down to a number of factors. 

Being in the right place at the right time, and knowing when to persist with someone and when to not waste anymore time on them is very hard to be certain about.

To ensure that you'll want to be with this person long-term, they'll need to have the right combination of traits that will keep you engaged, attracted and in love.