basil67 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) Hubby has a good mate, and by extension, I have become friends with his wife. We meet for dinner sometimes. She's the talkative one and he's quiet . However last time we caught up, it was apparent that he's driving her nuts and so she spent the night criticising and correcting him. It was very awkward for hubby and I, and would have been mortifying for her husband being spoken to like this in front of my husband. She has disclosed to me that she'd like to divorce, but due to them being from a conservative, non-western culture, it's really not an option. His elderly parents live with them and it's all quite complicated. Now, hubby and I are the kind who don't air dirty laundry in public and frankly, her behaviour ruined our night (and probably her husband's one too). I'd like to address it before we meet next time - but I don't know what to say or when to do it. I am happy for her to vent to me in private if she needs an ear. We do like both of them so don't want to discard them as friends. Does anyone have any suggestions? Edited January 17, 2021 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Just step back. Thier rancor is not worth ruining socializing. It's probably fine, as a friend, to hear her out privately now and then, but who wants to be an audience for thier contempt? Probably better to see them separately than together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 You're hanging out with a married couple in which the woman doesn't want to be in the marriage but is being forced to stay due to his family. This problem is much bigger than bickering. This woman wants to get away from this man and is being told by those around her that she is not allowed to. And you're concerned that her behavior ruined YOUR night? You talking to her and telling her that she shouldn't air dirty laundry isn't going to make this better. Maybe you should avoid spending time with them as a couple... stop going on double dates. If you want to be a true friend to her, then hang out with her one-on-one. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 21 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: And you're concerned that her behavior ruined YOUR night? Why should she have to listen to the wife complain all night. They got problems they need to fix it or accept it not dump the crap on others. Who wants to go out, and pay for a nice dinner and have to listen to that crap? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Totally awkward situation. God, reminds me of the worst moments of being with my parents growing up, when they were at war with each other--it ore happened on the car ride to a dinner. They somehow would compose themselves for the dinner. (Wow, I just realized that, and need to credit them!) If you really like her and trust her and feel comfortable, you can call her now and say what you said here: that you'd be happy to hear her complaints about him in private, but in public, it ruined the night for you and your hubby. Tell her you don't want to spend another night in the awkward position she put you guys in. If you don't feel comfortable enough to reach out to her now, then you can prepare for the next time someone proposes that you guys go out together. You can tell her that you'd be happy to go out with her in private but that the last time you guys went out, it was painful for you and your hubby. And simply say you don't want to go out again if she's going to spend the night criticizing her hubby. And you might also say that if this happens again, you and your hubby are walking out--even in the middle of the dinner. And really, allow yourself that option. You are under no ethical obligation to sit there while she berates her partner and fails to engage you and your husband in a good conversation. She's the one being rude and crossing all kinds of boundaries. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted January 17, 2021 Author Share Posted January 17, 2021 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: You're hanging out with a married couple in which the woman doesn't want to be in the marriage but is being forced to stay due to his family. This problem is much bigger than bickering. This woman wants to get away from this man and is being told by those around her that she is not allowed to. And you're concerned that her behavior ruined YOUR night? You talking to her and telling her that she shouldn't air dirty laundry isn't going to make this better. Maybe you should avoid spending time with them as a couple... stop going on double dates. If you want to be a true friend to her, then hang out with her one-on-one. Thanks for your reply. Yes, I realise the problem is much bigger than dinner. While I agree that stopping her open criticisms of her husband won't make it better, nor will her continuing them. And he's not a bad man or abusive....it's just that he drives her nuts..... so it's also a really rude way for her to treat him in front of his friends. It does seem that there's a consensus for hanging out 1:1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted January 17, 2021 Author Share Posted January 17, 2021 1 hour ago, trident_2020 said: Why should she have to listen to the wife complain all night. They got problems they need to fix it or accept it not dump the crap on others. Who wants to go out, and pay for a nice dinner and have to listen to that crap? Thanks. Dinner with friends should be enjoyable. But instead we spent the next morning debriefing on what the hell just happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted January 17, 2021 Author Share Posted January 17, 2021 59 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Totally awkward situation. God, reminds me of the worst moments of being with my parents growing up, when they were at war with each other--it ore happened on the car ride to a dinner. They somehow would compose themselves for the dinner. (Wow, I just realized that, and need to credit them!) If you really like her and trust her and feel comfortable, you can call her now and say what you said here: that you'd be happy to hear her complaints about him in private, but in public, it ruined the night for you and your hubby. Tell her you don't want to spend another night in the awkward position she put you guys in. If you don't feel comfortable enough to reach out to her now, then you can prepare for the next time someone proposes that you guys go out together. You can tell her that you'd be happy to go out with her in private but that the last time you guys went out, it was painful for you and your hubby. And simply say you don't want to go out again if she's going to spend the night criticizing her hubby. And you might also say that if this happens again, you and your hubby are walking out--even in the middle of the dinner. And really, allow yourself that option. You are under no ethical obligation to sit there while she berates her partner and fails to engage you and your husband in a good conversation. She's the one being rude and crossing all kinds of boundaries. Thanks Lotsgoingon. I think I'll organise a 1:1 lunch with her, not so much to raise the issue but to let her vent. When I do have the chat, I'm thinking I might have a plan and if on the next dinner it's an issue, I might ask her to come outside with me briefly and talk with her. It's not just about being awkward, but hubby feels really bad for his mate being treating this way in public. Frankly, she was pushing the line into being abusive. And just to make matters more complex, they are colleagues too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted January 17, 2021 Author Share Posted January 17, 2021 14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Just step back. Thier rancor is not worth ruining socializing. It's probably fine, as a friend, to hear her out privately now and then, but who wants to be an audience for thier contempt? Probably better to see them separately than together. I definitely won't be suggesting dinner any time soon! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) OMG, asking her to step out with you in the middle of dinner--when she's in the middle of berating her husband--is a brilliant idea! I agree this behavior is beyond awkwardness. It's rude to you and hubby because she basically is ignoring you guys and hogging attention by criticizing her husband. You can't be a good and present dinner partner if you're focused on insulting your partner. That's in addition to the rudeness and meanness involved in publicly criticizing husband. Edited January 17, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Next time she suggests dinner tell her you'd like that but please refrain from all the back and forth snipes with her husband because it's not an enjoyable way to spend time together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 On 1/17/2021 at 3:18 PM, trident_2020 said: Next time she suggests dinner tell her you'd like that but please refrain from all the back and forth snipes with her husband because it's not an enjoyable way to spend time together. basil67 I think this is the best advice because it gets straight to the point and directly addresses the cause of your concern. Nips the problem in the bud. The other suggestions pussyfoot around the issue. Look, you and your husband are not marriage counselors and going out to dinner with this couple sounds misery-inducing. So, you and your husband need to pull the reigns in on this double-dinner commitment with this married couple, or you will continue to be guests to the Snipey Wife Cuckold Husband Show. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts