I think I'm done dating. I just don't think God has one out there for me.

January 17, 2021

12 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

First, you have to be ok with being by yourself. This is not because we don't need companionship (most of us do) but it's from knowing that you're putting in work to be the best version of yourself long term. What's a few months when you have the rest of your life to live?

Next, stop focusing on a result. First, just accept that no matter the person, everyone is not going to be into them, but someone will. Just the same, I'm quite sure that you've actually had opportunities to date guys that you weren't into. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've probably rejected guys that weren't your cup of tea, and that's ok, you have preferences.

When you make dating all about the result, then you're going to be disappointed. Next time you have a date, just go into it with the thought of "we'll see how it goes." Stop imaging your wedding, or how many kids you'll have, or how your parents will like him. The guy might not meet *your* standards. If he takes a joke wrong or doesn't get your humor, then it wasn't ever going to work. You have to have standards too, it's not all about them. You can't put too much into any one date, because the other person will sense that, and that's not attractive to men or women, that everything is riding on how this one person responds to you.

If you're on the date, you've already made the cut as far as this person's physical standard (unless you were deceptive in your photos), so relax. At that point you just have to determine if there's chemistry. It's either there or not and there's nothing you're going to learn that will create it. If the chemistry is there, all you have to wait on is time to let the attraction grow higher and higher.

Thanks..... well IF I ever get on any dates again, I will keep all of your advice in mind.

It's just so hard, not to make excuses, but...when you finally are able to get someone decent on a date that you like and are attracted to and who likes and is attracted to you back...it's hard not to latch on to that and go a little bit into the jumping ahead like you mentioned. You don't know when, or if, you will ever have that luck again. So you don't want to lose it.

Ironically, it's in the desperation to keep that feeling that you push those people away and lose what you want so desperately to keep.

9 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Lost the weight, give up the bad habits, get rid of the ex, etc etc.

But it's not my place to suggest anything, it's gotta be what THEY want.

They chose that life, they chose the behaviors (well you can't help it if you're crazy I guess) and it's not my place to tell someone I hardly know what to do with their life.

But they won't be my choice that's for sure.

Well.....that doesn't really answer the question though.

I mean yes, that's obviously the answer: lose the weight, give up the habits, etc etc is the answer....but that's for anyone, whether they are single or in a relationship.

But, for those people who can't or won't or choose not to do those things, better themselves etc, what is your suggestion? That was my question? Are those people just...not worthy of companionship then? Somehow less deserving? Are they just supposed to resign themselves to being alone and not even try?

January 17, 2021

25 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

I mean yes, that's obviously the answer: lose the weight, give up the habits, etc etc is the answer....but that's for anyone, whether they are single or in a relationship.

But, for those people who can't or won't or choose not to do those things, better themselves etc, what is your suggestion? That was my question? Are those people just...not worthy of companionship then? Somehow less deserving? Are they just supposed to resign themselves to being alone and not even try?

I don't understand, you mean you don't want to change anything you can change, including your attitude to relating, so are you assuming that there's a magical way for your life to change without you changing?

Nothing to do with being 'worthy' or not, just learn to do some things or think some things differently. If something's not working for you then try something else.

January 17, 2021

First of all I LOL'd at your username. Care to elaborate where you came up with that?

Secondly I don't really think God dabbles in romance. At least, not the way we see it in our culture where it is based on attraction and chemistry. I think it's really harmful to grow up thinking that God hands out spouses as part of your destiny. It's not written anywhere in the Bible, God makes a lot of promises but not that we'll get to be married. Marriages used to mean all kinds of things - treaties, uniting of kingdoms, joining of families, etc. and it's really a modern concept that we get to marry whomever we find the sexiest, richest, funniest person we can find and call it "God."

You say you want different results but aren't necessarily willing to put the work in to garner a different outcome for yourself. Nobody is more "deserving" of love than another but it's no secret that there are qualities that most people find attractive, and that includes physically, that will "attract" more possible matches. You're not at the whims of God's temperament and you can take charge of your love life if you want to.

January 17, 2021

4 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

This is 100%, 1000% exactly how I feel. Like....am I a skinny minnie? No. But, I know I am a good person, loyal to a fault, and would make someone a dang good wife. So, yes, I do feel like I "deserve" the best when it comes to men. It kills me that I feel like I have to "settle" for less than I deserve, because those are the only guys who will have me. So, the chip on my shoulder that you mentioned really, really resonates with me.

Before anyone jumps on my previous statement, when I talk about what I "deserve," I'm not talking about exclusively looks. I'm not talking about exclusively success. He doesn't have to be hot or rich. All I would ask is that he is decent looking and have his life together, for the most part. And once we are together, that he makes me happy. Some people might think I am punching above my weight. And maybe that's true. But, that's only because I know what a catch I am.

Thanks for letting me know i came close to the mark of what you are feeling! Ok soooo do you think there is a conflict about what you deserve and what your mind knows you deserve to pull at this moment throwing up a block on your real life dating experience? I think so. I think when you are underperforming at how you should or know you can present in the dating world, you can kind of be mad at yourself. It's not fair but then on the other hand it is "fair". I mean how you present now is how any guy who is dating you now will find you right? And as a realist, your mind probably resents that, fights that knowing that you deserve a person more in line with the real you, and is disappointed in yourself all at the same time....and you self sabotage. I often think that cynics are viewing the totality of the world while ignoring what they can do in their everyday moments to make the situation more favorable to them (and the outcome more favorable to them). It's like they are mad at the world for things not being fair or "as they should be" while failing to take care of the things they can control RIGHT NOW and bring a little more equity into their own lives. Et voila--when they can do that, you often see the cynicism dialed down--which let's face it, is more attractive!

That's why I think you should work on your weight. That way you won't feel poorly aligned with who you are inside and what you can pull guy-wise on the outside. And always work on attitude--that's just a good dating principle.

I bolded the last sentence of your quote. A simple switch of ONE word, which is likely also true is something to think about:

"But, that's because ONLY I know what a catch I am.

So effectively you are the only person who knows right now what a catch you are. The only one totally and fully. Just like your list for the guy you would like to find was multidimensional, so will a guy's list about you be multidimensional. And don't forget-guys are biologically more prone to being visual and most people are physically attracted first. So you can't ignore that component and expect success with the level of guy you hope for perhaps. You can hope but it will probably be more of a needle in a haystack thing IF you ever bump into some guy who will ignore the exterior to get to know you and fall in love with you that way. He has to be attracted first.

Sometimes you have to hit people over the head with it on the surface about "who you are", "what you are about". I would also argue that it's only fair that a guy who is in a healthy state (externally, internally, financially, career progression) want & receive someone who appears to be doing the same themselves right now. Like it or not, that's likely how it's going to go down. The best predictor of future behavior is current behavior so you want to make sure you present as someone who's taken care of her end of that stuff. Like attracts like. Someone who is into fitness or health probably wants someone who is about the same. Also, I tend to think, guys have more options in general because women tend to take better care of themselves so that puts you in a more competitive market potentially.

Part of the reason why some overweight girls have absolutely no trouble finding a boyfriend is that they really don't see their weight as a problem and are very confident despite being overweight. They often dress, wear makeup beautifully and all that with an attitude that says "look at me, aren't I amazing?". That's a huge difference between someone who doesn't FEEL that way and is overweight (even by a lesser amount) if that makes sense.

If you can put this much effort to the thought process of feeling this way & dates that go nowhere, you can put a similar effort toward improving your health IMO. The benefit is typically cumulative where exterior improvement, begets interior self-confidence/self-worth, better expression, which turns into a positive cycle of then putting more effort into your health and more internal benefits. Funny enough, I would argue that when a guy wants a fit girl, those are EQUALLY the qualities they unconsciously want. Probably the reason that a self-confident overweight girl who presents herself like she is the sh*t and a fit girl are getting what they want dating-wise. It's just shorthand to signal to someone that they are a catch. That's what you want to signal. good luck

January 17, 2021

5 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

This is 100%, 1000% exactly how I feel. Like....am I a skinny minnie? No. But, I know I am a good person, loyal to a fault, and would make someone a dang good wife. So, yes, I do feel like I "deserve" the best when it comes to men. It kills me that I feel like I have to "settle" for less than I deserve, because those are the only guys who will have me. So, the chip on my shoulder that you mentioned really, really resonates with me.

oops also meant to say by the logic above, you should probably "give" more of a chance to guys who at first glance or before you quickly swipe left MIGHT have more to offer and more beneath the surface...especially if you want to be assessed similarly.

I think it's easier to align your exterior and interior and present yourself AS you feel. However, you might STILL run into similar problems so it always helps to be open-minded so you don't miss out on a great guy who has similar qualities bolded above but might be carrying a few extra pounds, a little shorter, less hair or not a career you imagined on your dream list. A quick read on others may be tricking you that no guys will have you that you are attracted to and in the meantime you are passing over guys who are EXACTLY these things because you are doing a quick read on them. Happens all the time. My advice would be to simultaneously improve yourself and be more open-minded about who you are dating and what "deserve" really means. I don't think you are scratching the surface with that quality on date one....and may never get to dates with good guys because you feel they are deserving of you. So you go out with ones who look better on paper and in photos but feel you are beneath them and also may not have these good qualities. Just a thought.

January 17, 2021

53 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I don't understand, you mean you don't want to change anything you can change, including your attitude to relating, so are you assuming that there's a magical way for your life to change without you changing?

Nothing to do with being 'worthy' or not, just learn to do some things or think some things differently. If something's not working for you then try something else.

Not at all, that's not what I was saying at all. Like I said previous, I want to/am taking steps toward losing weight/a more healthy lifestyle. But for me....not because some stupid guy thinks I am not worth it unless I am skinny.

But, like I also said previously to that...theoretically, in a pre-ordained life, it shouldn't really matter, right?

My question to Trident was more philosophical than based on my situation. Everyone deserves love (at least in my opinion). And, in my experience, a lot of people, even those with extra weight, smokers, vices, etc....a lot of those people get love, too. So to me, the answer can't just be "Lose the weight, stop smoking, etc" Obviously yes people should do those things. but those aren't necessarily the answers to how someone earns love.

9 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

First of all I LOL'd at your username. Care to elaborate where you came up with that?

Secondly I don't really think God dabbles in romance. At least, not the way we see it in our culture where it is based on attraction and chemistry. I think it's really harmful to grow up thinking that God hands out spouses as part of your destiny. It's not written anywhere in the Bible, God makes a lot of promises but not that we'll get to be married. Marriages used to mean all kinds of things - treaties, uniting of kingdoms, joining of families, etc. and it's really a modern concept that we get to marry whomever we find the sexiest, richest, funniest person we can find and call it "God."

You say you want different results but aren't necessarily willing to put the work in to garner a different outcome for yourself. Nobody is more "deserving" of love than another but it's no secret that there are qualities that most people find attractive, and that includes physically, that will "attract" more possible matches. You're not at the whims of God's temperament and you can take charge of your love life if you want to.

I mean....I feel like the name is pretty self-explanatory. Haha.

You may be right, and wrong.....I feel like God dabbles in everything. Or could if He wanted, I guess. So...why wouldn't he dabble in romance? But, your point is well taken. But....Jeremiah talks about the Lord having divine plans for us, plans for hope and the future. So, while he may not dabble in marriages specifically.....I do think He has plans for our lives.....which makes it tough to know how much to try in any particular path of life. I do know there is a certain level of believing God helps those who help themselves.

As to not putting in the work, see my reply above.

January 17, 2021

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

First, you have to be ok with being by yourself. This is not because we don't need companionship (most of us do) but it's from knowing that you're putting in work to be the best version of yourself long term. What's a few months when you have the rest of your life to live?

Next, stop focusing on a result. First, just accept that no matter the person, everyone is not going to be into them, but someone will. Just the same, I'm quite sure that you've actually had opportunities to date guys that you weren't into. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've probably rejected guys that weren't your cup of tea, and that's ok, you have preferences.

When you make dating all about the result, then you're going to be disappointed. Next time you have a date, just go into it with the thought of "we'll see how it goes." Stop imaging your wedding, or how many kids you'll have, or how your parents will like him. The guy might not meet *your* standards. If he takes a joke wrong or doesn't get your humor, then it wasn't ever going to work. You have to have standards too, it's not all about them. You can't put too much into any one date, because the other person will sense that, and that's not attractive to men or women, that everything is riding on how this one person responds to you.

If you're on the date, you've already made the cut as far as this person's physical standard (unless you were deceptive in your photos), so relax. At that point you just have to determine if there's chemistry. It's either there or not and there's nothing you're going to learn that will create it. If the chemistry is there, all you have to wait on is time to let the attraction grow higher and higher.

1000%... All this is stuff that falls under the "attitude" portion! You can change that right now without losing a pound and be more attractive to others. Like I said in my first post on this thread the cynicism (and hopeless) stuck out to me as the major problem, first and foremost.

I would also say from reading more of this thread....if you are only relying on OLD & apps with no dates that come from IRL interactions, you are missing half of the equation at least. Also you have to take into account what I think Dramafreezone's post above is indicating that if you don't date to have fun, it becomes a bad pressure cooker on both ends. You sabotaging (knowingly or unknowingly), him running for the hills/turned off by the desperation. What else are you about? If you come on like gangbusters as the ultimate despair you presented in the initial post of this thread would indicate--as if getting a boyfriend/married is the be all end all--it has the opposite effect of what you want. I've been around girls like that--they are NO. FUN. Some of them are even very pretty (and fit).

I also saw on the thread how INFREQUENTLY you have dated. Don't really know the reason; perhaps you were career focused, sheltered and you did say not asked out. Well on some levels it's a numbers game. If you are going on so few dates, you put tremendous pressure on yourself and the dates to work out. You also are not getting the "repetition practice" of dating to make you more skilled at it if it doesn't come naturally. I kind of think it doesn't come naturally to you or you would have been asked out more previously--a charming, flirtatious personality usually would. So you have to aim to go out more. In this case, you are going to have to pick up some of the slack yourself. Don't wait to be asked, make it happen with flirtation (so indirectly) and directly asking out. And utilizing apps/OLD as well as socializing in person. If you lead a life that is boring and isolated--um, change that! You won't find him that way. Again, it's a ton of pressure even if you do find a guy from an app that way. You'd be looking for him to fill a void that you haven't worked out yourself. Hope this helps.

January 17, 2021

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

Thanks..... well IF I ever get on any dates again, I will keep all of your advice in mind.

It's just so hard, not to make excuses, but...when you finally are able to get someone decent on a date that you like and are attracted to and who likes and is attracted to you back...it's hard not to latch on to that and go a little bit into the jumping ahead like you mentioned. You don't know when, or if, you will ever have that luck again. So you don't want to lose it.

Ironically, it's in the desperation to keep that feeling that you push those people away and lose what you want so desperately to keep.

Well.....that doesn't really answer the question though.

I mean yes, that's obviously the answer: lose the weight, give up the habits, etc etc is the answer....but that's for anyone, whether they are single or in a relationship.

But, for those people who can't or won't or choose not to do those things, better themselves etc, what is your suggestion? That was my question? Are those people just...not worthy of companionship then? Somehow less deserving? Are they just supposed to resign themselves to being alone and not even try?

Bolded is 100% true.

To answer the bottom half, my suggestion would be to stop trying to solve the overall problems of the world/dating humanity and just worry about yourself. Let's face it---you are not doing yourself the best service thus far in dating so concentrate on working on that. Or throw in the towel.

I think what trident pointed out is VERY MUCH the mentality of a single, dating guy. Not gonna try to change you, work with you, discover who is beneath these external things you present--just not gonna date you. This is what the reality of the world is. Stop trying to argue that you want things to be fair or deserving people all equally doled out their share. That's not how it works. You'd do yourself the biggest favor to just accept the world AS IT IS and do YOUR very best. (cynicism rearing it's head again). It's a waste of your time to complain about the world--when the driver of that complaining is that you don't like your situation and there are things of your situation that you can control.

January 17, 2021

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

But, for those people who can't or won't or choose not to do those things, better themselves etc, what is your suggestion? That was my question? Are those people just...not worthy of companionship then? Somehow less deserving? Are they just supposed to resign themselves to being alone and not even try?

I know that your question wasn't directed at me, but I'll answer regardless;

Nobody in life is owed anything. People aren't created equal. Life isn't fair.

SMV (Sexual Marketplace Value) determines how much interest people will get from the opposite sex. Put simply; looks matter. This is a fact that cannot be denied.

You can be the nicest person in the world, but that doesn't mean you're going to have guys lining up to date you if they don't find you physically attractive.

Can I ask why you wouldn't want to better yourself? Dieting and exercise can be hard, and it can seem a little unfair that you may put weight on easy while some other girls don't put on weight - but that's just life.

You have certain standards, you've said so yourself. You feel somewhat entitled to this minimum standard you've stated, yet bizarrely, you feel that you shouldn't have to improve yourself to be more attractive to the standard of man. Why?

At the end of the day it is up to you to decide whether you want to be the best version of yourself or not. I don't know which country you live in, but if weight is your only problem, you do have options.

I work with a girl who wasn't unattractive, but always struggled with weight. She had laparoscopic surgery and has lost a lot of weight. She's pretty attractive now and seems to be pulling guys left, right and center if her SM is anything to go by.

January 17, 2021

18 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

Not at all, that's not what I was saying at all. Like I said previous, I want to/am taking steps toward losing weight/a more healthy lifestyle. But for me....not because some stupid guy thinks I am not worth it unless I am skinny.

But, like I also said previously to that...theoretically, in a pre-ordained life, it shouldn't really matter, right?

My question to Trident was more philosophical than based on my situation. Everyone deserves love (at least in my opinion). And, in my experience, a lot of people, even those with extra weight, smokers, vices, etc....a lot of those people get love, too. So to me, the answer can't just be "Lose the weight, stop smoking, etc" Obviously yes people should do those things. but those aren't necessarily the answers to how someone earns love.

As to not putting in the work, see my reply above.

The thing is that losing weight, stopping smoking, yes those things will make you more attractive to others, but mainly they will make *you* feel more confident. The exercise will make you look better in the mirror, and you'll get pumped full of the hormones that come from working out that make you feel good. It's a two-for-one. The self-improvement exponentially improves your chances of success with men because of that.

That said, if you just improve your attitude and keep everything else the same, you can find someone because that's just how attraction works, you will do it for someone. Women with extra weight that found someone had a better outlook than you have now.

Don't rest on that though. The self-improvement exponetially improves your chances though. You want to give yourself the best chance possible.

January 17, 2021

20 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

Not at all, that's not what I was saying at all. Like I said previous, I want to/am taking steps toward losing weight/a more healthy lifestyle. But for me....not because some stupid guy thinks I am not worth it unless I am skinny.

But, like I also said previously to that...theoretically, in a pre-ordained life, it shouldn't really matter, right?

My question to Trident was more philosophical than based on my situation. Everyone deserves love (at least in my opinion). And, in my experience, a lot of people, even those with extra weight, smokers, vices, etc....a lot of those people get love, too. So to me, the answer can't just be "Lose the weight, stop smoking, etc" Obviously yes people should do those things. but those aren't necessarily the answers to how someone earns love.

well, i think you are likely in "No Man's Land". You probably like guys that are out of your league or don't see you on the surface as having much in common with them. Like you are basic/boring (sorry!). If you look and subsets of people who find each other with even some undesirable things on their surface lists, they often match up with people who are similar to them. Taking smokers for example might end up with another smoker, drinker (to excess) and their lifestyles align for lots of fun that way. It's still free and fun in their way.

It seems like you have latched onto the weight & I think you are onto something there. Would you be open to dating an overweight guy? Who might seem boring on the surface but had a good heart?

A guy who is into fit girls is probably not going to be into you. He has a preference: it encompasses both what he is physically attracted to AS WELL AS how he envisions living his life! What he wants to do on the weekend and during his free time; what sort of girl he feels represents him when she meets his friends and family for the first time.

Sorry the cynicism is not working for me with the above. chip on your shoulder big time. You want to keep wasting your own time trying to date thinking some guy just has to be over it otherwise he's not worthy of you, then open yourself up to guys that somehow you don't feel are worthy of you. It's pretty simple. I don't seee why you aren't willing to be open minded to guys when you aren't willing to bend. The attitude is the worst part--have to say.

January 17, 2021

36 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

...

But, like I also said previously to that...theoretically, in a pre-ordained life, it shouldn't really matter, right?

...

Theoretically, yes...if you are talking fate whatever happens and you try was meant to happen and you were meant to try. Yet, if there is free will can things be pre-ordained? To go with your thread title, perhaps god helps those who help themselves. The latter meant in a positive way, as in improving oneself, doing things to increase your chances of meeting the person you want.

January 17, 2021

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I know that your question wasn't directed at me, but I'll answer regardless;

Nobody in life is owed anything. People aren't created equal. Life isn't fair.

SMV (Sexual Marketplace Value) determines how much interest people will get from the opposite sex. Put simply; looks matter. This is a fact that cannot be denied.

You can be the nicest person in the world, but that doesn't mean you're going to have guys lining up to date you if they don't find you physically attractive.

Can I ask why you wouldn't want to better yourself? Dieting and exercise can be hard, and it can seem a little unfair that you may put weight on easy while some other girls don't put on weight - but that's just life.

You have certain standards, you've said so yourself. You feel somewhat entitled to this minimum standard you've stated, yet bizarrely, you feel that you shouldn't have to improve yourself to be more attractive to the standard of man. Why?

At the end of the day it is up to you to decide whether you want to be the best version of yourself or not. I don't know which country you live in, but if weight is your only problem, you do have options.

I work with a girl who wasn't unattractive, but always struggled with weight. She had laparoscopic surgery and has lost a lot of weight. She's pretty attractive now and seems to be pulling guys left, right and center if her SM is anything to go by.

As I have said, at least 3 or 4 different times.....I AM trying to better myself. I am not against it at all. It's just that....circling back to the point of this thread....I just sort of feel like...what does it matter? And I don't say that in a defeatist way or a laissez faire way. I say that as a believer in fate, in destiny....this philosophy of "If it's meant to be, it will be." For the right guy, it won't matter. And, on the opposite hand.....I could lose a ton of weight and still be destined for singlehood, if it is my lot in life.

As to the bolded part....it's not like I am exactly pursuing the top tier of men. The guys that I go for are well within my league, some even slightly below my league. And, I'm still not good enough. At the risk of sounding conceited...other than the weight/the resulting emotional traumas, I'm pretty much golden. Stable job, stable family, love traveling, love sports, love cooking, loyal, generous, honest. So...if I am reading your words...just because of my weight, it's wrong for me to feel "entitled" to the bare minimum of decent guy? "Lady, if you want a guy with a job and all his teeth, and be under the age of 65.....lose some weight or take what you can get."

As to the last part of your post...there is actually certain limits to weight surgery. I am (fortunately) not overweight enough to qualify for that particular surgery. Not that I would have it anyway. A coworker of mine also had surgery, and the weight has just melted off her....which is great for her. But, for me...I'm doing things the hard way.

January 17, 2021

21 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

well, i think you are likely in "No Man's Land". You probably like guys that are out of your league or don't see you on the surface as having much in common with them. Like you are basic/boring (sorry!). If you look and subsets of people who find each other with even some undesirable things on their surface lists, they often match up with people who are similar to them. Taking smokers for example might end up with another smoker, drinker (to excess) and their lifestyles align for lots of fun that way. It's still free and fun in their way.

It seems like you have latched onto the weight & I think you are onto something there. Would you be open to dating an overweight guy? Who might seem boring on the surface but had a good heart?

A guy who is into fit girls is probably not going to be into you. He has a preference: it encompasses both what he is physically attracted to AS WELL AS how he envisions living his life! What he wants to do on the weekend and during his free time; what sort of girl he feels represents him when she meets his friends and family for the first time.

Sorry the cynicism is not working for me with the above. chip on your shoulder big time. You want to keep wasting your own time trying to date thinking some guy just has to be over it otherwise he's not worthy of you, then open yourself up to guys that somehow you don't feel are worthy of you. It's pretty simple. I don't seee why you aren't willing to be open minded to guys when you aren't willing to bend. The attitude is the worst part--have to say.

I really, really don't. I mean it. Looks-wise I'm not super particular.

Usually my thought process goes: do they speak in complete sentences? Did they spell everything right? Does it seem like they are a bot/fake profile? Do they have pictures where they are smiling? I read their profile to see if I think we'd mesh. And so on and so forth. Is decent looking and intelligent out of my league just because of my weight? Harsh, if so.

To answer your question, yes I would! I have liked/swiped many overweight guys (usually to no avail).

To address your statement....fine! I am not into fit guys anyway. Honest. If a guy is into fitness, I usually "swipe left." Not because I think they are unattractive, but just because I don't think our lifestyles would match up....and that's perfectly fine.

I just want to re-iterate....I don't have ridiculous super-high standards. I'll also add that my ex-bf didn't exactly meet my standards completely, but I gave him a chance and I'm glad I did. In addition to the happy memories I have, it also helped me realize what is and isn't important to me in a relationship. So, for anyone thinking I am "shooting my shot" with guys that are totally out of my league....I assure you, I am not.

January 17, 2021

Good point, you have to

39 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

As I have said, at least 3 or 4 different times.....I AM trying to better myself. I am not against it at all. It's just that....circling back to the point of this thread....I just sort of feel like...what does it matter? And I don't say that in a defeatist way or a laissez faire way. I say that as a believer in fate, in destiny....this philosophy of "If it's meant to be, it will be." For the right guy, it won't matter. And, on the opposite hand.....I could lose a ton of weight and still be destined for singlehood, if it is my lot in life.

As to the bolded part....it's not like I am exactly pursuing the top tier of men. The guys that I go for are well within my league, some even slightly below my league. And, I'm still not good enough. At the risk of sounding conceited...other than the weight/the resulting emotional traumas, I'm pretty much golden. Stable job, stable family, love traveling, love sports, love cooking, loyal, generous, honest. So...if I am reading your words...just because of my weight, it's wrong for me to feel "entitled" to the bare minimum of decent guy? "Lady, if you want a guy with a job and all his teeth, and be under the age of 65.....lose some weight or take what you can get."

As to the last part of your post...there is actually certain limits to weight surgery. I am (fortunately) not overweight enough to qualify for that particular surgery. Not that I would have it anyway. A coworker of mine also had surgery, and the weight has just melted off her....which is great for her. But, for me...I'm doing things the hard way.

Well I guess this is where we have a fundamental disconnect. I don't believe that things are predetermined. I believe you make your own fate. I believe the harder you work, the luckier you get, that's a poker saying.

And here's an unfortunate truth; guys don't really care that much about a woman's job or her hobbies, her interests. Those are a plus, but we pretty much fall in love with our eyes, a woman's sex appeal. You don't have to be a knockout, but we like women who act feminine, put effort into their appearance, laugh at our jokes and make us feel strong and important. That's pretty much it. If you have that, we can rationalize why we like you by saying we have so much in common, or that she's so different that she's intriguing to me. No one falls in love with someone else because of their job or their hobbies though.

To be kind of sexist here, a woman that is a 5 on the looks scale can make up for it by being nice, being a joy to be around. There are a lot of " 9s and 10s" that are just horrible people otherwise. Sure they get a lot of offers from guys but no one wants to be around them for too long because they have crappy attitudes.

You just have to lose the pessimistic attitude. A guy can feel it and he's just not going to want to have anything to do with you. If you think you're lacking something in the looks deparment you have to make up for it elsewhere, and the attitude is just working against your efforts.

Edited January 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

January 17, 2021

Chiming in late and apologies, I haven't read all the posts but the way I see this is you place far too much value on having a "relationship."

A relationship should "enhance" your already fulfilling and happy life, not BE your life.

Learn to be happy and fulfilled on your own FIRST.

Earlier you mentioned "settling" because men you are not attracted to are the only men who will have you?

I kinda shuddered when I read that, no one should be settling, period. It's better to be alone than to settle, and often times a relationship like that can make you feel lonelier than if you were actually alone.

Life is a journey, and we should always strive to be learning, improving, growing, evolving.

My advice? Forget dating for now, and work on improving. Join a gym, get on a healthy diet, lose the weight and get healthier physically.

Introspect, read good books by reputable authors about interpersonal relationships, human nature, life's complexities in general, and the like. Get into a healthier place, mentally. Improve your mindset.

Develop new hobbies and start interacting with new people. Make new friends.

Change up your style if you need to, start feeling really good about yourself!

Become more independent; relationships are great, they serve a purpose in our lives but are NOT the be-all-end-all.

Once you learn to be happy and fulfilled by yourself, on your own, you will be in a better position to choose wisely, for the right reasons.

Not to just have "someone" because he's the only one who will have you.

Edited January 17, 2021 by poppyfields

January 17, 2021

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

As I have said, at least 3 or 4 different times.....I AM trying to better myself. I am not against it at all. It's just that....circling back to the point of this thread....I just sort of feel like...what does it matter? And I don't say that in a defeatist way or a laissez faire way. I say that as a believer in fate, in destiny....this philosophy of "If it's meant to be, it will be." For the right guy, it won't matter. And, on the opposite hand.....I could lose a ton of weight and still be destined for singlehood, if it is my lot in life.

I've tried to address your issue of fate and destiny. I don't believe in such concepts so I can't really advise you in that regard. Whatever you decide to do, the outcomes of your decisions will determine your fate. You have control, so take control!

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

As to the bolded part....it's not like I am exactly pursuing the top tier of men. The guys that I go for are well within my league, some even slightly below my league. And, I'm still not good enough. At the risk of sounding conceited...other than the weight/the resulting emotional traumas, I'm pretty much golden. Stable job, stable family, love traveling, love sports, love cooking, loyal, generous, honest. So...if I am reading your words...just because of my weight, it's wrong for me to feel "entitled" to the bare minimum of decent guy? "Lady, if you want a guy with a job and all his teeth, and be under the age of 65.....lose some weight or take what you can get."

You might believe that the guys you're chasing are in your league. I have no idea what you or they look like to have any sort of opinion. Are you referring to "leagues" in looks, or some other value concept that you've derived a league to mean?

You sound like you have your head screwed on in life, with a good job, stable family etc. That's great, but that alone doesn't mean that guys will want to date you.

I don't know how overweight you are, nor do I know if the guys you're trying to attract are overweight or not, either. What I do know, though, is that there's plenty of overweight guys out there who would have good, stable jobs, decent families and would be great people to boot.

It's hard to know what your exact problem is. I don't know if you're punching above your weight (you say you are not), or whether you have an attitude which guys find unappealing because it comes from a place of past pain/trauma due to poor or lack of quality past relationship.

The only advice I can give you is to try and better understand what it is that guys want and determine whether you can make the changes required to be more appealing, without affecting yourself in a negative way (by deviating away from your core values/beliefs).

I certainly won't go so far as to say that you don't deserve a decent guy because of your weight. What I will say, however, is that the decent guys who are not overweight themselves are probably looking for someone who they perceive as their own equal (somebody who's not overweight). Hence, your pool of decent guys is heavily reduced.

January 17, 2021

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

I really, really don't. I mean it. Looks-wise I'm not super particular.

Usually my thought process goes: do they speak in complete sentences? Did they spell everything right? Does it seem like they are a bot/fake profile? Do they have pictures where they are smiling? I read their profile to see if I think we'd mesh. And so on and so forth. Is decent looking and intelligent out of my league just because of my weight? Harsh, if so.

To answer your question, yes I would! I have liked/swiped many overweight guys (usually to no avail).

To address your statement....fine! I am not into fit guys anyway. Honest. If a guy is into fitness, I usually "swipe left." Not because I think they are unattractive, but just because I don't think our lifestyles would match up....and that's perfectly fine.

I just want to re-iterate....I don't have ridiculous super-high standards. I'll also add that my ex-bf didn't exactly meet my standards completely, but I gave him a chance and I'm glad I did. In addition to the happy memories I have, it also helped me realize what is and isn't important to me in a relationship. So, for anyone thinking I am "shooting my shot" with guys that are totally out of my league....I assure you, I am not.

Ok so it's not about looks then for you or fitness. If you are into religion, why not look there? I think you need to get more specific with your search. Something is going very wrong if a girl who wants to date has had as few dates as you've had in the length of time you describe being single and available to date. I don't think you are able to see yourself as others see you, I'm afraid. Not talking only physically. I'm talking how you come off (I just know a little from this thread and while it's not the worst, I don't think i would find it attractive in a dating scenario). That a person can tell without photos attached.

Even guys who may not be a 10 (let's say) in looks might be shooting above their league (at least they are hoping, especially with an app which is a dismissive type process, on looks alone and guys I know barely read the profiles). So for you, that might mean you are on level with who you are interested in by the venue in which you are searching for them (app/online) doesn't assist you. I think if you aren't going to play the looks game, you better get serious about generating interest out in real life, perhaps over time, via hobbies or work. That's where a guy will have the opportunity to get to know you and can be exposed to these more altruistic and interesting parts of you and build a connection that perhaps both of you will want to take to the next level.

Bolded you are still arguing against stuff that IS THE WAY IT IS in the world. It's a stat. Guys with their sh*t going on have the power of choice. You want smart and decent looking and I'm thinking if you are looking at guys around your age (let's say 5 years above or below) they have probably, especially if you live in an urban area, just hit a prime for themselves. Where they have it going on pretty decently career wise, money wise and can date a decent amount younger or older if they choose. Basically the power of choice is probably in their favor at this point. Let' say the guy is exactly your age and smart and "decent" looking. He's probably in the sweet spot as far as choice. Just saying. If he's been successful in his career for a moment, he's probably already settled down or spoken for or will have that opportunity and much more choice than you are giving him credit for. You should open your mind to some guys that maybe have just now hit their stride in their career or might have been nerdy/lack of dating experience until recently. There are great guys here in this zone who have previously gone overlooked (probably much like yourself). I'm not saying you couldn't get exactly what you easily would want but your choosing method as well as your venues aren't working. I think you could write about the dates and we would discover a lot more. I can't remember if you answered the question about what was said that messed up your date the other day. lol i can only imagine

Edited January 17, 2021 by Versacehottie

January 17, 2021

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

So, for anyone thinking I am "shooting my shot" with guys that are totally out of my league....I assure you, I am not.

You don't know what is out of your league.

All you know is that you can't get dates.

Therefore the natural conclusion is that you're aiming too high.

January 17, 2021

2 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

I want to/am taking steps toward losing weight/a more healthy lifestyle. But for me....not because some stupid guy thinks I am not worth it unless I am skinny.

I guess I'm one of those stupid guys because when I was online dating I scrolled right past pictures of overweight women because I had no interest. If I was deceived with old pictures and an overweight woman showed up on the date, I knew I'd never see her again and didn't care about anything she had to say during our first and only encounter. I'm a wealthy doctor, a reasonably good lucking guy who had no trouble whatsoever getting dates who are the upper scale of attractiveness and I'd never settle for less. If that makes me "stupid" in the eyes of overweight women who also tend to deem such guys as shallow, well I can live with that.

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

.if I am reading your words...just because of my weight, it's wrong for me to feel "entitled" to the bare minimum of decent guy? "Lady, if you want a guy with a job and all his teeth, and be under the age of 65.....lose some weight or take what you can get."

You can feel as entitled as you want but you're the one complaining that your inbox is empty and your phone isn't ringing.

Yes, as the other poster suggested, you are forced to either take what you can get or give up on dating. Or make yourself more attractive. That is the harsh reality of the world we live in.

January 17, 2021

totally agree with trident. I don't think you have the perspective. your results themselves bear it out. (lol that might be a spelling mistake so feel free to hate me now!)

you are taking the looks part pretty much with chip on shoulder firmly intact so taking the heat off that for a minute, your wonderful personality which guys do care about should be working some, right? It absolutely should a least reeling the ones in your daily life in your way or charming guys that are on a date with you much more than they ever expected or creating the banter on pre date texting from an app that will get you to the date. What is going on with these parts?

I would venture a guess that you treat guys that you feel are beneath you with a condescending or entitled thing that doesn't' make them feel great about themselves and they are not confused about your looks either so then see no point in continuing. I have seen plenty of guys absolutely bewitched by a girl when all she really had going on were looks/body--that's telling. I have seen guys fall in love with a girl that was not a 10 but had something else for sure that was charming, intriguing, magnetic (at least to him, often to others). Those girls usually know how to play the game pretty well. (lol before people jump on me for saying the word game, hopefully you get that I mean the dating unwritten rules, norms).

Like others have said, you need to tip things in your favor then let gravity do the rest. You are approaching it like trying to push the heaviest boulder uphill with one arm and a blindfold in a blizzard lol. If you want to put your love life in fate or God's hands, that is probably a better strategy than what you've proposed on this thread. But it involves 'letting go". I see a fair amount of "fighting" what is and that has got to play a part in how you are coming off. I get it if you are frustrated. But the fatalistic thing isn't fun. The cynical thing is kind of elitist coming from someone who hasn't actually had much success in dating, kind of ironic no? And bottom line, none of it is helping you get what you want.

I'm very curious about what it was that you said to your date. It has to be pretty bad to upend a date.

edited to add: one thing that is interesting to me is the curiosity about taking some elements of this advice to heart and seeing where some of it could have applied to previous dating scenarios of yours OR did you really just come on here to vent about your fate in the world and looking for commiserators rather than solutions to your actual problem? I know you were happy when you felt like I understood you. Less happy when I pointed out the potential real dating issues, critiques. That' kind of shows me sympathy might be what you are looking for? which is ok i guess but then after you feel listened to are you going to change your dating approach? I got news for you--the world isn't changing.

Edited January 18, 2021 by Versacehottie

January 17, 2021

3 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

there are qualities that most people find attractive

which to me has little to do with looks, and everything to do with fun to be around.

January 18, 2021

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

which to me has little to do with looks, and everything to do with fun to be around.

Agreed, looks aren't the only thing. A good balance or tipping things to make up for areas that OTHER people will value is a smart strategy.

January 18, 2021

12 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm very curious about what it was that you said to your date. It has to be pretty bad to upend a date.

She started a thread about it.

Edited January 18, 2021 by trident_2020

January 18, 2021

7 minutes ago, Ellener said:

which to me has little to do with looks, and everything to do with fun to be around.

Unless you meet someone organically and get to know their nature and personality over time, looks, physical attraction is where it begins.

Yes, looks are subjective but nevertheless, it is still where it begins.

Edited January 18, 2021 by poppyfields

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I think I'm done dating. I just don't think God has one out there for me.

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