I think I'm done dating. I just don't think God has one out there for me.

[crappedmypantsthrice]

I had a date today that started out really, really lovely. But, I said something that was intended to be a compliment, but he took it as an insult, and his mood completely changed, and ultimately, the date ended up being a disaster. It makes me want to give up on dating altogether. I didn't have a ton invested in this particular guy...and truthfully, while I enjoyed talking with him, getting to know him, I didn't see him as a long-term thing. So.....I don't know why it's hitting me so hard. I just feel like...I'm not getting a lot of offers, I'm going to have to settle, and it just....sucks. And I hate feeling this way. 

The friend I had mentioned in a previous post....so we had plans this week, weather permitting, and unfortunately...weather didn't permit. Which is no one's fault...we can't predict the weather....even if we guess, which we did, it can be wrong, which it was. He said the next day should be better, weather wise, and it was...it was perfect, actually. And I never heard from him. I found out the next day that he had worked the previous day till like 2 am. I can't begrudge him for that. Work is and should be his priority. But, what I did find out was that that day, the day after, he had gone and did the activity we had planned with someone else. Male or female, I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. And, he very well may have had those plans already in place. So again...giving benefit of the doubt. I decide not to make a big deal about it. Rather than assume the worst, I just think it was a set of unfortunate circumstances. 

So circling back to my date....I was going to be in my friend's town for said date. So, I told my friend (casually, no drama, no pressure) that I was going to be in town so if he wanted to grab some lunch, that would be great. Or, I could pop by his house for a bit on my way out of town. His response? "Maybe...if I'm awake. Lol" How frustrating. And just plain rude. And that kind of deflecting would make me upset whether the person was male or female, friend or romantic partner. It's just not right. And more than I would expect from him.

Anyway....my date happened and it went horribly as I stated earlier. In the immediacy after the date, I was really raw and humiliated and I wasn't sure I'd be able to make the drive home. So, I texted him in a panic...telling him I really needed a friend right then (which was true). I didn't hear from him until 9 hours later. 

So...going back to the title, going back to the original paragraph...I just don't think guys are going to work for me. I can't find one to date, I can't find one for a relationship, I can't find one for friendship. So....clearly, there's something wrong with me. I firmly believe that there are some people in this world who just......aren't relationship material, who will be single all their life. Not everyone gets married. Not everyone has a long-time love. Maybe my destiny is to be alone. 

 

 

[basil67]

Sorry to hear you're in this position.   With regards to there being something wrong with you, what do you think it may be?   For example, what did you say that offended this guy you just had a date with?   And given he was "really, really lovely" why did you see him as only having short term use?  

About the friend, it does seem that they aren't interested in the friendship with you.  Do you have any ideas what is going on there?   Is this friend male or female?  Any sex/romantic history?

Edited January 17, 2021 by basil67

[dramafreezone]

Your self-talk is the main problem in my opinion.

You've convinced yourself of this idea, that there's no one out there for you, so all of your subconcious actions will support this belief that you've told yourself.  You don't have a choice but to act to support that belief.  It's a self-fufilling prophecy.

When things aren't going just right, in your mind you're like "here we go again, this is why I'll never find anyone" and then the situation goes to crap.

Try thinking the opposite for a while, that you know that there's someone out there for you, it's just going to take you being your best self every time out for that man to reveal himself.

No date is going to be perfect.  You'll find a guy that finds your compliments to be compliments, or quirky.  You could probably use some dating advice, so look up dating coaches and get some pointers.  And maybe you're attracting the wrong type of guys.  And certianly don't go into a date looking for someone you want to have a relationship with.   How about just going to have a good time?  But mostly you have to improve your attitude, your self-talk, and have to keep putting yourself out there and know that eventually you'll find a great match.

Edited January 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

I think you are catastrophizing bc you are having a rough time. Had a bad date -> person you liked didn’t respond —> need to stop dating -> no one I like likes me ->  I’m unlovable and will die alone. 
 Stop beating yourself up 

 

Jw if this “friend” is the weird guy you were sort of dating, said let’s just be friends, then asked when your period was. If so, he wasn’t a true friend. So please do not be too disappointed that he did not respond quickly. I see a few issues off the bat. Yes, mainly with you. The first is that you need to pick your friends better. The second is that you need to pick people that you date better. Like I said initially in your other thread, your post was dripping with low self-esteem. It’s probably going to be hard to find people you like to date if you carry yourself like that. The guy friend zoned you and you asked him if sex was still on the table. Basically, you are chasing this guy hoping that he will give you the time of day. I don’t care if it is born of desperation. It is still not a good dating strategy and it’s probably not going to lead anywhere good. 

 

 I don’t know enough about you to know what your specific problem(s) may be besides that. But whatever is going on is something that can be changed and improved. Get a real friend to tell you what’s going on, perhaps. What’s not working for you, you need to look at and try to fix. Try something else. 

 

 

Edited January 17, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[crappedmypantsthrice]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry to hear you're in this position.   With regards to there being something wrong with you, what do you think it may be?   For example, what did you say that offended this guy you just had a date with?   And given he was "really, really lovely" why did you see him as only having short term use?  

About the friend, it does seem that they aren't interested in the friendship with you.  Do you have any ideas what is going on there?   Is this friend male or female?  Any sex/romantic history?

 

To answer....the date (at least the first part), not the guy, WAS really, really lovely. It was nice chatting and getting to know someone over coffee. It was nice to laugh. That said, he doesn't really have his life together. I'll put it this way.....he wore pajama pants to our date. 

 

I think the primary thing I can think of would be my weight. Which, in and of itself, may not be the problem. But...it definitely reduces the quantity and quality of guys that I am able to attract and interest. 

Yes this is something and I can and am working on, but...I really don't know that it is ultimately the solution. After all, there are overweight women with great love lives/partners. There are thin women who struggle to date. I believe in the Lord/destiny/kismet, whatever you want to call it. I guess I feel like....if my destiny is to be single, it's not going to matter what I look like. And, by equal measure, if my destiny is to be partnered, it's not going to matter what I look like. I don't think God is up there, coming up with a divine plan and attaching a "But only if you are a size 6" clause to the deal. 

So then I come back to the idea that.....maybe I am just....burdened to be single all my life. Some people are. Why not me? 

 

As to the friend, he is male. Yes, we've had a couple of dates and some romantic notions, I'll say. No sex. We had a falling out, so it's difficult to immediately establish what we once had, but we agreed to be friends and see where/how things go. 

 

 

 

 

18 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Your self-talk is the main problem in my opinion.

You've convinced yourself of this idea, that there's no one out there for you, so all of your subconcious actions will support this belief that you've told yourself.  You don't have a choice but to act to support that belief.  It's a self-fufilling prophecy.

When things aren't going just right, in your mind you're like "here we go again, this is why I'll never find anyone" and then the situation goes to crap.

Try thinking the opposite for a while, that you know that there's someone out there for you, it's just going to take you being your best self every time out for that man to reveal himself.

No date is going to be perfect.  You'll find a guy that finds your compliments to be compliments, or quirky.  You could probably use some dating advice, so look up dating coaches and get some pointers.  And maybe you're attracting the wrong type of guys.  And certianly don't go into a date looking for someone you want to have a relationship with.   How about just going to have a good time?  But mostly you have to improve your attitude, your self-talk, and have to keep putting yourself out there and know that eventually you'll find a great match.

 

Oh I have no doubt that I am attracting the wrong types of guys. Or, to be more precise....I am not attracting the right types of guys. But...that is what it is. I can't force people to be attracted to me. So, I take what I can get....what else can I do? 

Also...this particular date *was* just about having a good time, getting to know someone, not a relationship. 

 

 

 

18 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think you are catastrophizing bc you are having a rough time. Had a bad date -> person you liked didn’t respond —> need to stop dating -> no one I like likes me ->  I’m unlovable and will die alone. 
 Stop beating yourself up 

 

Jw if this “friend” is the weird guy you were sort of dating, said let’s just be friends, then asked when your period was. If so, he wasn’t a true friend. So please do not be too disappointed that he did not respond quickly. I see a few issues off the bat. Yes, mainly with you. The first is that you need to pick your friends better. The second is that you need to pick people that you date better. Like I said initially in your other thread, your post was dripping with low self-esteem. It’s probably going to be hard to find people you like to date if you carry yourself like that. The guy friend zoned you and you asked him if sex was still on the table. Basically, you are chasing this guy hoping that he will give you the time of day. I don’t care if it is born of desperation. It is still not a good dating strategy and it’s probably not going to lead anywhere good. 

 

 I don’t know enough about you to know what your specific problem(s) may be besides that. But whatever is going on is something that can be changed and improved. Get a real friend to tell you what’s going on, perhaps. What’s not working for you, you need to look at and try to fix. Try something else. 

 

 

 

Yes, it's the same guy. And yes, I am in the friend zone. So, why is it so crazy for me to actually expect the guy to....oh, I dunno.....be a friend? Haha. Crazy concept, I know. Everything I expect of him is the same thing I would expect of any other friend, man or woman. 

And, no I'm not chasing him. Since my last post, I decided that I was going to chase him no longer. But....the fact is HE reached out to ME, and we made plans to see each other. And the reason I didn't freak out when the plans didn't work out is precisely because I'm not chasing him. 

[dramafreezone]

16 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

 

 

Oh I have no doubt that I am attracting the wrong types of guys. Or, to be more precise....I am not attracting the right types of guys. But...that is what it is. I can't force people to be attracted to me. So, I take what I can get....what else can I do? 

 

Well there you go.  So you know the problem.

There are literally hundreds of articles and books on attracting who you want to attract.  Start there and stop the defeatist self-talk.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

 

To answer....the date (at least the first part), not the guy, WAS really, really lovely. It was nice chatting and getting to know someone over coffee. It was nice to laugh. That said, he doesn't really have his life together. I'll put it this way.....he wore pajama pants to our date. 

 

I think the primary thing I can think of would be my weight. Which, in and of itself, may not be the problem. But...it definitely reduces the quantity and quality of guys that I am able to attract and interest. 

Yes this is something and I can and am working on, but...I really don't know that it is ultimately the solution. After all, there are overweight women with great love lives/partners. There are thin women who struggle to date. I believe in the Lord/destiny/kismet, whatever you want to call it. I guess I feel like....if my destiny is to be single, it's not going to matter what I look like. And, by equal measure, if my destiny is to be partnered, it's not going to matter what I look like. I don't think God is up there, coming up with a divine plan and attaching a "But only if you are a size 6" clause to the deal. 

So then I come back to the idea that.....maybe I am just....burdened to be single all my life. Some people are. Why not me? 

 

As to the friend, he is male. Yes, we've had a couple of dates and some romantic notions, I'll say. No sex. We had a falling out, so it's difficult to immediately establish what we once had, but we agreed to be friends and see where/how things go. 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I have no doubt that I am attracting the wrong types of guys. Or, to be more precise....I am not attracting the right types of guys. But...that is what it is. I can't force people to be attracted to me. So, I take what I can get....what else can I do? 

Also...this particular date *was* just about having a good time, getting to know someone, not a relationship. 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it's the same guy. And yes, I am in the friend zone. So, why is it so crazy for me to actually expect the guy to....oh, I dunno.....be a friend? Haha. Crazy concept, I know. Everything I expect of him is the same thing I would expect of any other friend, man or woman. 

And, no I'm not chasing him. Since my last post, I decided that I was going to chase him no longer. But....the fact is HE reached out to ME, and we made plans to see each other. And the reason I didn't freak out when the plans didn't work out is precisely because I'm not chasing him. 

Yea, there are heavier women that are in happy relationships, but it may limit your options and coupled with your low self esteem can be a huge reason you are struggling... 

i’m so messed up about people here becoming friends with people that they are romantically and sexually interested in. The majority of the time these people are the last people that should be doing this. The last people that can handle it. You are focusing your attention on someone who is not romantically, sexually interested in you. You might not think so, but dating this guy who is still up in the air whether or not he will sleep with you is actually not that good for your self esteem. 
 

Work on your self-esteem and self-worth. then you won’t entertain disinterested men. Work on your weight and your appearance. When you are in a good place mentally dating is easier. But improving appearance is one way to get more interest. It’s a largely controllable aspect and  people often need to be attracted to the physical,just biology.  I just don’t make it your central thing. Think of the more important non-physical things that you have to offer in a relationship to offer someone in a relationship. If you can’t think of those things, work on getting some. 

Edited January 17, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

I agree with so much of what DFZ said in his (?) post!  I know you are upset today but the tone of your posts on this thread at least is very cynical---which let's us into what going on in your headspace.  Cynicism isn't a pretty place from which to find dating prospects (and have them work out).  

I think work on that.  Maybe put dating on hold for a little while..while in the meantime you figure out how to pump yourself up.  I think obviously some cynical (aka disappointed) people are just noticing stuff that is REAL.  The problem is they are only noticing the bad, not the good and it debilitates them effectively--either their gumption or perception of others.  I think part of what you are noticing that is real is what your current level is (if your weight isn't ideal & you know you are being judged for it) and feeling like it doesn't match up to what you "deserve" and simultaneously kind of having a chip on your shoulder about it (like other overweight girls are successful with it, why can't I be?--guaranteed they are probably approaching it differently than you have in general).   I think we the thought process you have it would make the most sense to get you weight in line with self image you feel more comfortable presenting to the dating world.  I think then things will align better for you--in your internal world of thoughts and your external world of how you interact with others and present yourself. 

Also I think cynicism is often fear.  And people building up walls so they don't have to face a situation where they worry about failing--or have failed before.  I wouldn't say what has happened with these two guys a full blown failure like you seemed to have characterized it.  Lol, you want to dial it back a little?  Like you are really going to throw in the towel over these two clowns? It's an extreme (and silly) reaction that only hurts you when you don't get what you want and feel hurt.  If you are dating you're going to need to get a bit of a thicker skin.

Anyway this is what i noticed and how I think you should focus your efforts in the near future.  And no I don't think you should give up.  Why not put less pressure on yourself and just date around (when you are ready for that point) with different expectations?  If you put less pressure on yourself, and those you are dating, it usually goes more your way.  Good luck

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

So....clearly, there's something wrong with me.  

No, there’s nothing wrong with you, but clearly your thoughts and beliefs about yourself and love and men aren’t yielding any success when it comes to relationships. Usually these beliefs start in our childhood so thinking about your parents relationship and your childhood, can you pinpoint anything that may have led to this cynicism?

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

I had a date today that started out really, really lovely. But, I said something that was intended to be a compliment, but he took it as an insult, and his mood completely changed, and ultimately, the date ended up being a disaster. It makes me want to give up on dating altogether. I didn't have a ton invested in this particular guy...and truthfully, while I enjoyed talking with him, getting to know him, I didn't see him as a long-term thing. So.....I don't know why it's hitting me so hard. I just feel like...I'm not getting a lot of offers, I'm going to have to settle, and it just....sucks. And I hate feeling this way. 

The friend I had mentioned in a previous post....so we had plans this week, weather permitting, and unfortunately...weather didn't permit. Which is no one's fault...we can't predict the weather....even if we guess, which we did, it can be wrong, which it was. He said the next day should be better, weather wise, and it was...it was perfect, actually. And I never heard from him. I found out the next day that he had worked the previous day till like 2 am. I can't begrudge him for that. Work is and should be his priority. But, what I did find out was that that day, the day after, he had gone and did the activity we had planned with someone else. Male or female, I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. And, he very well may have had those plans already in place. So again...giving benefit of the doubt. I decide not to make a big deal about it. Rather than assume the worst, I just think it was a set of unfortunate circumstances. 

So circling back to my date....I was going to be in my friend's town for said date. So, I told my friend (casually, no drama, no pressure) that I was going to be in town so if he wanted to grab some lunch, that would be great. Or, I could pop by his house for a bit on my way out of town. His response? "Maybe...if I'm awake. Lol" How frustrating. And just plain rude. And that kind of deflecting would make me upset whether the person was male or female, friend or romantic partner. It's just not right. And more than I would expect from him.

Anyway....my date happened and it went horribly as I stated earlier. In the immediacy after the date, I was really raw and humiliated and I wasn't sure I'd be able to make the drive home. So, I texted him in a panic...telling him I really needed a friend right then (which was true). I didn't hear from him until 9 hours later. 

So...going back to the title, going back to the original paragraph...I just don't think guys are going to work for me. I can't find one to date, I can't find one for a relationship, I can't find one for friendship. So....clearly, there's something wrong with me. I firmly believe that there are some people in this world who just......aren't relationship material, who will be single all their life. Not everyone gets married. Not everyone has a long-time love. Maybe my destiny is to be alone. 

 

 

Things will get better for you! Every failure brings you that little bit closer to your success. That goes for dates as well as everything else you strive for. 

Some of us are hella isolated and lonely, especially given Covid for the last year, so be thankful you’re getting the opportunity to date, and to fail! The next one is always better than the last and there’s always a lesson or a reminder for you to learn from  don’t give up, just reflect 

 

Edited January 17, 2021 by Fox Sake
Spelling

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like the crush on this friend is standing in the way of finding happiness.

As to the date (who sounds like a volitile weirdo), what did you say to him?

Don't give up on dating and seek out men who are into your type.

Edited January 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Blind-Sided]

10 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

......As to the friend, he is male. Yes, we've had a couple of dates and some romantic notions, I'll say. No sex. We had a falling out, so it's difficult to immediately establish what we once had, but we agreed to be friends and see where/how things go. 

.....

Yes, it's the same guy. And yes, I am in the friend zone. So, why is it so crazy for me to actually expect the guy to....oh, I dunno.....be a friend? Haha. Crazy concept, I know. Everything I expect of him is the same thing I would expect of any other friend, man or woman. 

.......

OK.... I see a few things, but let's start with your "Friend."   First of all... he is not your friend.  Not really. He is now an acquaintance.  In collage, There was a girl I was chasing.  She was sweet, and cute, and a little innocent. She was a friend of my cousin, so we could hang out during breaks. She knew I liked her, but I was a "Bad Boy", and she kept her distance.  For 6 months or so... I chased, and did a lot of her.  Eventually, we had a very nice kiss, and a conversation about our feelings... and I was happy as it seemed like things were going to move forward.  A day or two later... she told me it was a mistake, and she didn't want to be with me.  I was fine with it, and at that point, I knew where we were.  Problem was... we had already made plans to attend a formal school dance together, and had a room with another couple.  She wanted to go "As Friends."  I was fine with that too.   So, that night came, and we all went. But, since we were just "Friends" at that point, I hung out with a gay buddy, and we crashed a few parties at the hotel, and we walked over to a local college, and crashed a few there.   I had a great time. (I'm not gay, but he was fun to hang with)  When I got back to the room, the girl I was chasing was totaly pissed at me.  She yelled that I ignored her all night, and she wanted me to sleep on the floor. (this was 2am)  At that point, I told her I paid for the room, and she didn't want it to be a "Date" any longer.   So, she was mad at me for doing exactly what she asked for.   Later, she would randomly come to my dorm room, and ask for favors.  I would help sometimes, but if I didn't have time... I would say no.  Eventually, she went nuts, and would yell, and say i wasn't her friend.  The problem was... she wanted it to be like it was before... where I was chasing her, and did everything for her at a drop of a hat.  But when she said she didn't want to date me... well... my interest changed, and when she went nutz... I really didn't want to help her. 

This is where your "Friend" is at.  You started something romantic... and it didn't work out.  So now, you expect him to drop what he is doing to help you.  If he's working late/long hr's, he may not feel like listening you cry about a bad date, especially if he was interested in you at one time.   

Now... going back to your date... what EXACTLY was said that was taken as a insult? 

Edited January 17, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Trail Blazer]

Firstly, I don't believe in a God or a destiny.  However, I respect the fact that you clearly do.  Having said that, I'll entertain what you believe in the hope that my advice can be more relevant to you. 

It is my understanding that an omniscient God doesn't control your life, but he does already know every decision you will ever make.  So, with that being said, if there is such thing as destiny, one thing is for certain; you control your destiny.

Now, about your feelings of not being suited to be a partner; what is your age and dating history?  Almost all of us (other than those who marry their high school sweetheart/first boyfriend or girlfriend, etc) have gone through tough times/heartache et al throughout our life.

What have you identified as being your main problem?  What could you do better to improve your chances of dating success?  For mine, not hanging on to some male friend to fall back on when things go pear shaped on your date.  I don't see the value in what this guy provides.

Without knowing anything about you, it's hard to give any more meaningful advice.  However, I can only suggest that you keep believing that right guy is just around the corner because when you do meet that special someone, all your past dating struggles are forgotten about and it all becomes worth it!

[Ellener]

12 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

if he wanted to grab some lunch, that would be great. Or, I could pop by his house for a bit on my way out of town. His response? "Maybe...if I'm awake. Lol" How frustrating. And just plain rude. And that kind of deflecting would make me upset whether the person was male or female, friend or romantic partner. It's just not right. And more than I would expect from him.

That sounds pretty normal to me, it was a casual suggestion on your part responded to casually.

 

[Ellener]

10 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think the primary thing I can think of would be my weight. Which, in and of itself, may not be the problem. But...it definitely reduces the quantity and quality of guys that I am able to attract and interest. 

It may not be actual extra pounds weighing you down as much as how you feel about it and about yourself and life in general. Was it related to the comment you made which was taken as an insult?

[crappedmypantsthrice]

12 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I agree with so much of what DFZ said in his (?) post!  I know you are upset today but the tone of your posts on this thread at least is very cynical---which let's us into what going on in your headspace.  Cynicism isn't a pretty place from which to find dating prospects (and have them work out).  

I think work on that.  Maybe put dating on hold for a little while..while in the meantime you figure out how to pump yourself up.  I think obviously some cynical (aka disappointed) people are just noticing stuff that is REAL.  The problem is they are only noticing the bad, not the good and it debilitates them effectively--either their gumption or perception of others.  I think part of what you are noticing that is real is what your current level is (if your weight isn't ideal & you know you are being judged for it) and feeling like it doesn't match up to what you "deserve" and simultaneously kind of having a chip on your shoulder about it (like other overweight girls are successful with it, why can't I be?--guaranteed they are probably approaching it differently than you have in general).   I think we the thought process you have it would make the most sense to get you weight in line with self image you feel more comfortable presenting to the dating world.  I think then things will align better for you--in your internal world of thoughts and your external world of how you interact with others and present yourself. 

Also I think cynicism is often fear.  And people building up walls so they don't have to face a situation where they worry about failing--or have failed before.  I wouldn't say what has happened with these two guys a full blown failure like you seemed to have characterized it.  Lol, you want to dial it back a little?  Like you are really going to throw in the towel over these two clowns? It's an extreme (and silly) reaction that only hurts you when you don't get what you want and feel hurt.  If you are dating you're going to need to get a bit of a thicker skin.

Anyway this is what i noticed and how I think you should focus your efforts in the near future.  And no I don't think you should give up.  Why not put less pressure on yourself and just date around (when you are ready for that point) with different expectations?  If you put less pressure on yourself, and those you are dating, it usually goes more your way.  Good luck

 

This is 100%, 1000% exactly how I feel. Like....am I a skinny minnie? No. But, I know I am a good person, loyal to a fault, and would make someone a dang good wife. So, yes, I do feel like I "deserve" the best when it comes to men. It kills me that I feel like I have to "settle" for less than I deserve, because those are the only guys who will have me. So, the chip on my shoulder that you mentioned really, really resonates with me. 

Before anyone jumps on my previous statement, when I talk about what I "deserve," I'm not talking about exclusively looks. I'm not talking about exclusively success. He doesn't have to be hot or rich. All I would ask is that he is decent looking and have his life together, for the most part. And once we are together, that he makes me happy. Some people might think I am punching above my weight. And maybe that's true. But, that's only because I know what a catch I am. 

 

 

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

No, there’s nothing wrong with you, but clearly your thoughts and beliefs about yourself and love and men aren’t yielding any success when it comes to relationships. Usually these beliefs start in our childhood so thinking about your parents relationship and your childhood, can you pinpoint anything that may have led to this cynicism?

Honestly, nothing that I could point out, at least from my home life or with my parents or anything like that. My sister has been happily married for 10 years. 

All I can tell you is...and this is pre-online dating...guys didn't like me or ask me out as a teen, not in high school, not in college. And, when you go year after year after year with guys not asking you out, ever, it takes a toll. Mentally. Emotionally. I would have just hope. Like...."When I go to college, everything will change." And then I would face the same thing.....no guys asking me out. And, it would just break my spirit so much. 

Then online dating comes around and I have so much hope....and then again, there would be the same failures....and it would break my spirit so much. 

 

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like the crush on this friend is standing in the way of finding happiness.

As to the date (who sounds like a volitile weirdo), what did you say to him?

Don't give up on dating and seek out men who are into your type.

 

I don't know if volatile is the right word, but he was definitely different in person (which everyone is of course). Meaner, more intense, more forceful. 

As to what I said...it's private and a bit intimate. And, there is definitely context involved, so I couldn't really tell you without explaining the entire meeting from beginning to end. Maybe I will make a post in another forum to add the context. 

 

 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

This is where your "Friend" is at.  You started something romantic... and it didn't work out.  So now, you expect him to drop what he is doing to help you.  If he's working late/long hr's, he may not feel like listening you cry about a bad date, especially if he was interested in you at one time.   

Now... going back to your date... what EXACTLY was said that was taken as a insult? 

To be fair, he didn't know I was going on a date, so when I reached out that I needed him, he wouldn't have known that I would be crying to him about a bad date. I could have had a flat tire in a bad part of town, for all he knew. 

I think I will probably post the encounter elsewhere, so when that is up, I will make it known. 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Firstly, I don't believe in a God or a destiny.  However, I respect the fact that you clearly do.  Having said that, I'll entertain what you believe in the hope that my advice can be more relevant to you. 

It is my understanding that an omniscient God doesn't control your life, but he does already know every decision you will ever make.  So, with that being said, if there is such thing as destiny, one thing is for certain; you control your destiny.

Now, about your feelings of not being suited to be a partner; what is your age and dating history?  Almost all of us (other than those who marry their high school sweetheart/first boyfriend or girlfriend, etc) have gone through tough times/heartache et al throughout our life.

What have you identified as being your main problem?  What could you do better to improve your chances of dating success?  For mine, not hanging on to some male friend to fall back on when things go pear shaped on your date.  I don't see the value in what this guy provides.

Without knowing anything about you, it's hard to give any more meaningful advice.  However, I can only suggest that you keep believing that right guy is just around the corner because when you do meet that special someone, all your past dating struggles are forgotten about and it all becomes worth it!

As I said in a previous post, guys never liked me, never asked me out, as I grew up. I've still never been asked out "in person" before. Everything has come from online. I am 38. 

Dating history- my first real date came when I was 22 years old. My next date after that, I believe I was somewhere around 32-33. In the meantime, I had (non-sexual) hookups, make out sessions here and there. Never anything ongoing, never anyone who wanted to see me on a regular basis. So, it would just be random guys from time to time. I would also go months-years with taking a sabbatical from men because it was becoming so emotionally exhausting being rejected on a regular basis. 

My next date came when I was 35, and that date emerged into an actual relationship, on and off for about a year and a half. It didn't work out, obviously. But, it was definitely a monkey off my back...at least I wasn't going to die having never had a boyfriend. And, I've been doing the OLD thing ever since. 

That's my dating history, in a nutshell.

 

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

That sounds pretty normal to me, it was a casual suggestion on your part responded to casually.

 

 

I disagree. There is a difference between casual and callous. 

If a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to do something, even if the answer was maybe, I don't think I would say "If I'm awake." I really doubt I would say maybe. I would either say yes, for sure, or probably not and here's why. 

I would expect my friends would behave the same way. I am sure it has happened before, but off the top of my head, I can't recall any of them ever answering "Maybe" to invitations to do something. It's usually a yes or no......and if it's not a clear answer, it's some version of exposition on their answer. 

[dramafreezone]

There are almost 8 billion people in this world.  Most people don't really know how many people that really is.  You have to understand that there is someone out there that would take you as-is right now and think you're the best thing in the world.  Even with the cynical attitude, and if you're "plus sized."  You'll just do it for him.

If we can think of the most attractive man there is, if you were to pick 1000 random women to rate him, most of them would probably say hell yes, I think he's gorgeous.  But some would be like meh and a few would be like, nope, he just doesn't do it for me.  Looks are that subjective even with the people considered the most beautiful among us.  I say that to say even if you don't think you measure up to others, there's still men out there who would think you're amazing, right now. 

But if you want to improve your chances, change what you can change.  Begin reading self-help books, look at self-help videos on youtube (I find the right people to be *very influential* with my own mindset).  And if you feel you could lose a few pounds, join a gym and get a trainer.  Exercising releases the "happy hormones" so you will feel happier just going to the gym and accomplishing something that you set out to do. 

Lastly, work on accepting your insecurities.  This isn't something that can be done overnight.  I work on it myself every day, and the more you come to terms with those insecurities, the less they will bother you.  Change what you can change but accept that even with those things that you can't change, many men won't care about it.

Also, I know that guys are supposed to make the first move, but the reality is the majority of guys out there are reluctant to do so unless they have some pretty obvious signals of attraction from the woman, or they're just bad at picking up the signs of interest.  If you want more dates you may have to be a bit more overt in your signs of interest.

[trident_2020]

15 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

After all, there are overweight women with great love lives/partners. There are thin women who struggle to date. I believe in the Lord/destiny/kismet, whatever you want to call it. I guess I feel like....if my destiny is to be single, it's not going to matter what I look like.

Of course you can control your future. Not ALL of it but you can certainly stack the odds in your favor. An overweight sedentary smoker is much more likely to die an early death than the person who is working out at the gym 5 days a week and living a healthy active lifestyle. '

Sure either one can get hit by a truck when crossing the street, but control the stuff you can and let fate do the rest.

As far as your weight goes- overweight women are limited to a much smaller fraction of the dating pool and it's unlikely they'll attract a quality guy. Sorry but that's just how it works.

Stack the odds in your favor- lose the weight and lose the "I can't control destiny" frame of mind and watch your situation get better.

 

[primer]

A couple of things from me:

1. I love your user name. LOL

2. I have the same dating problem as you and I am not overweight.

 

[HiCrunchy]

18 minutes ago, primer said:

A couple of things from me:

1. I love your user name. LOL

2. I have the same dating problem as you and I am not overweight.

 

Same. I have the same issues and I'm fit....

[trident_2020]

Many people have great success with online dating, I know I did, it's how I met my SO and before I settled in with her 9 years ago I had no issues getting dates.

It would appear from my experience and from what I've been told and read about the experiences of others is that the vast majority of people do fairly well with online dating, at least as far as getting dates goes even if a long term relationship doesn't materialize.

If you're a woman and you can't get dates, based on my own personal opinion and experience it comes down to a few possibilities

-overweight and out of shape

-unattractive face

-seems like a wackjob including but not limited to simply acting weird, saying unusual things that leave me scratching my head, devil worshiping, blaming everyone else for the fact that they're miserable, telling stories about an ex that sound too unbelievable to be true,

-a smoker

-was deceptive in her profile

-wasn't in a good financial position

-loud, arrogant, annoying in what she said and how she said it

- signs of being very clingy, needy, insecure

-estranged from her kids (not a dealbreaker but an orange flag for sure)

-still living with an ex

-still married "if only for convenience" or whatever

 

 

 

[crappedmypantsthrice]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

Of course you can control your future. Not ALL of it but you can certainly stack the odds in your favor. An overweight sedentary smoker is much more likely to die an early death than the person who is working out at the gym 5 days a week and living a healthy active lifestyle. '

Sure either one can get hit by a truck when crossing the street, but control the stuff you can and let fate do the rest.

As far as your weight goes- overweight women are limited to a much smaller fraction of the dating pool and it's unlikely they'll attract a quality guy. Sorry but that's just how it works.

Stack the odds in your favor- lose the weight and lose the "I can't control destiny" frame of mind and watch your situation get better.

 

 

You are absolutely right. And, I want to lose weight, for myself, for my family. And I think that's important. 

And I have no doubt that it would open more doors for me. 

 

That said, for the right person, it wouldn't matter, right? If "The One" came along, they would be able to look past it. Or even, gasp, enjoy it. (My boobs are great by the way)

I just find it hard to believe that the universe/God is holding back The One until I am the proper size. 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, primer said:

A couple of things from me:

1. I love your user name. LOL

2. I have the same dating problem as you and I am not overweight.

 

Haha thanks. 

It's weird but blunt....exactly like me. 

 

 

 

16 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Many people have great success with online dating, I know I did, it's how I met my SO and before I settled in with her 9 years ago I had no issues getting dates.

It would appear from my experience and from what I've been told and read about the experiences of others is that the vast majority of people do fairly well with online dating, at least as far as getting dates goes even if a long term relationship doesn't materialize.

If you're a woman and you can't get dates, based on my own personal opinion and experience it comes down to a few possibilities

-overweight and out of shape

-unattractive face

-seems like a wackjob including but not limited to simply acting weird, saying unusual things that leave me scratching my head, devil worshiping, blaming everyone else for the fact that they're miserable, telling stories about an ex that sound too unbelievable to be true,

-a smoker

-was deceptive in her profile

-wasn't in a good financial position

-loud, arrogant, annoying in what she said and how she said it

- signs of being very clingy, needy, insecure

-estranged from her kids (not a dealbreaker but an orange flag for sure)

-still living with an ex

-still married "if only for convenience" or whatever

 

 

 

Wow, well that's quite a list. 

What would your suggestion be, to any or all of those people? Just pack it in? No one is going to want to be with you, so you might as well just get used to being lonely for the rest of your life? 

Even if/when I do lose weight, which I hope to, it's not going to be overnight. It will be a long process. What do I do in the meantime? Just stop dating because I'm not "worthy" of a relationship? 

 

 

 

[dramafreezone]

First, you have to be ok with being by yourself.  This is not because we don't need companionship (most of us do) but it's from knowing that you're putting in work to be the best version of yourself long term.  What's a few months when you have the rest of your life to live? 

Next, stop focusing on a result.  First, just accept that no matter the person, everyone is not going to be into them, but someone will.  Just the same, I'm quite sure that you've actually had opportunities to date guys that you weren't into.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  You've probably rejected guys that weren't your cup of tea, and that's ok, you have preferences.

When you make dating all about the result, then you're going to be disappointed.  Next time you have a date, just go into it with the thought of "we'll see how it goes."  Stop imaging your wedding, or how many kids you'll have, or how your parents will like him.  The guy might not meet *your* standards.  If he takes a joke wrong or doesn't get your humor, then it wasn't ever going to work.  You have to have standards too, it's not all about them.  You can't put too much into any one date, because the other person will sense that, and that's not attractive to men or women, that everything is riding on how this one person responds to you.

If you're on the date, you've already made the cut as far as this person's physical standard (unless you were deceptive in your photos), so relax.  At that point you just have to determine if there's chemistry.  It's either there or not and there's nothing you're going to learn that will create it.  If the chemistry is there, all you have to wait on is time to let the attraction grow higher and higher.

Edited January 17, 2021 by dramafreezone

[trident_2020]

12 minutes ago, crappedmypantsthrice said:

What would your suggestion be, to any or all of those people?

Lost the weight, give up the bad habits, get rid of the ex, etc etc.

But it's not my place to suggest anything, it's gotta be what THEY want.

They chose that life, they chose the behaviors (well you can't help it if you're crazy I guess) and it's not my place to tell someone I hardly know what to do with their life.

But they won't be my choice that's for sure.