poppyfields Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) GND, I would like to say something because I think it’s important. Dating and connecting with another human being is not just about you. It’s about the other person too. Failing to understand that suggests a sense of entitlement that is, well, not very attractive OR conducive to developing a happy healthy relationship. What I am reading from you is that you have all these standards and expectations of how men should behave and if they deviate from that standard even just a little, you’re done. I think I posted that earlier. What you fail to understand is that the man has his own anxieties about moving closer and his own expectations. Perhaps even fears. If/when they pull back a bit, it’s not always about you, in fact, I doubt it IS about you. It’s about them. Try to understand that and not take it so personally. I have regrets because in the past, I expected men, men I REALLY liked, to behave a certain way, failing to understand that they have their own anxieties and expectations. It was all about ME. They didn’t live up to my expectations, so done. Even with ghosting. You have NO idea why a particular man ghosted. The black and white answer is “he’s just not into you.” Well that is not always the case. In some cases, YOU failed to meet his expectations or needs, and he couldn’t continue. Yes of course, ideally he should explain that, but it’s not always so easy. Especially if they think you don't give a crap. Try to open your mind a bit to all different possibilities. Don’t just focus on “oh he pulled back, he stopped texting as much, he lost interest he's inconsistent. DONE.” Or another woman has struck his fancy. Sometimes, sure that’s true, no question, but NOT always. The fact your guy has stepped up suggests to me that whatever anxieties he may have been struggling with have subsided and he is ready to move forward. Meet him halfway, at least. That is if you’re still interested. Rant over. All the best! Edited January 20, 2021 by poppyfields 3 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 21 minutes ago, Perdu said: You may feel attraction, but you can't be sure after two dates that the you 2 are "right for eachother and ment to be". You were attracted to him, showed interest, felt offended by him not reciprocating till the point where you consider deleting him and now you are exploring other options. These are all impulse fueled actions from your side, but not everybody acts on impulse, some people need to take more time in order to further pursue something. And we do live in the age of multiple/simultaneous dating, so you must take that into consideration. Given the opportunity, even somebody with good/sincere intentions can be interested in checking out what else is there available, before moving forward with his best option so far. Maybe you should do that too, instead of putting too much pressure on one person, you can have better chances of finding the one who can better syncronize on all aspects. Checking what else is there available before moving forward with the best option? Sorry I thought we were talking about human beings, not buying a car... 1 1
stillafool Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 43 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: This is about showing interest, then showing less, then more again, etc. Sorry I don’t like that. Are you doing this with the other guys you are texting also? 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Are you doing this with the other guys you are texting also? No I am pretty consistent when I am interested in someone.
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: The other guy doesn’t meet my rigid standards and expectations, he is just more of a match to me and I feel more at ease talking to him because we have the same vibe. Simple. What you call rigid expectations is nothing more than my intuition kicking in telling me something is off about this person. I wish in the past I heard it more and gave less opportunities to guys who didn’t deserve them. One of those guys I remember would take ages to reply as well and later I found out he was engaged. That is why I’m thinking if I should give this guy a chance or not. I do agree you may be more compatible with this other guy, or another guy. But intuition? Often times what we think is our intuition is our own anxieties and fears which is what I think was happening here, jmo. You couldn't hang with it, remain flexible and open to the changing nuances which so often occur in these precarious early stages. Which is fine, your prerogative, no judgment. But if this were me, I would be exploring that within myself. I've done a hell of a lot of introspection over the years, still am! I hope I always will be. Learning and growing. Edited January 20, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 Just now, poppyfields said: I do agree you may be more compatible with this other guy, or another guy. But intuition? Often times what we think is our intuition is our own anxieties and fears which is what I think was happening here, jmo. I got burned a lot in the past by not acknowledging the red flags guys showed in the beginning, so I am now in full mode alert, that’s it.
stillafool Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 5 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Checking what else is there available before moving forward with the best option? Sorry I thought we were talking about human beings, not buying a car... Actually everyone does this when it comes to a major purchase or commitment. Choosing a mate is one of the most important decisions of your life. 2
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I got burned a lot in the past by not acknowledging the red flags guys showed in the beginning, so I am now in full mode alert, that’s it. But what's the red flag? The fact he cut back on the texting? Have you been reading these posts, especially from the men like dramafreezone? Or from me discussing why some men pull back? That often times it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their OWN anxieties, probably from getting hurt in the past just like you! Anyway, getting a bit wound up because it seems you're not open to any other possibilities other than what you have been telling yourself from the beginning. I am not even saying I am right re your guy, only to be open to the possibility and not judge him so harshly. So I am going to sign off and again wish you all the best. Edited January 20, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 5 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Checking what else is there available before moving forward with the best option? Sorry I thought we were talking about human beings, not buying a car... Yes, dating is an algorithm by which one choses the best partner (option) available for him/her at the time. I think you might expect for things to happen as they do in the movies, where both partners are strucked by romance in the same time and they immediately engage in a relationship. I don't share this vision. From my experience, things are much more prosaic than that, especially when dealing with dating apps. I might not like, but it is a fact and not something I can change.
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 19 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Bottom line is no one knows what's going on in the other person's life unless you live with him. Most people with a lot going on can't just drop everything or change their pattern for the other person. Sometimes he may be more attentive and other times less attentitve because he has other people and things to tend to in his life. Stop assuming it's about you or that you should've been made a priority after two dates. If you want to stick to these rules you're going to sabatoge your own happiness. Amen.
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Checking what else is there available before moving forward with the best option? Sorry I thought we were talking about human beings, not buying a car... Do you live in the US? When the worst result is the man has to pay child support/alimony for 18 years because he chose poorly then the guy should be as sure as possible. Most don't take marriage seriously enough. Edited January 20, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 1 minute ago, dramafreezone said: Do you live in the US? When the worst result is the man has to pay child support/alimony for 18 years because he chose poorly then it's far more important than buying a car. Maybe he didn’t choose poorly, maybe he chose what was right at that particular time in his life.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 6 minutes ago, Perdu said: Yes, dating is an algorithm by which one choses the best partner (option) available for him/her at the time. I think you might expect for things to happen as they do in the movies, where both partners are strucked by romance in the same time and they immediately engage in a relationship. I don't share this vision. From my experience, things are much more prosaic than that, especially when dealing with dating apps. I might not like, but it is a fact and not something I can change. Yes maybe I do expect things to be more romantic than an algorithm and choosing the best option. 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 14 minutes ago, poppyfields said: But what's the red flag? The fact he cut back on the texting? Have you been reading these posts, especially from the men like dramafreezone? Or from me discussing why some men pull back? That often times it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their OWN anxieties, probably from getting hurt in the past just like you! Anyway, getting a bit wound up because it seems you're not open to any other possibilities other than what you have been telling yourself from the beginning. I am not even saying I am right re your guy, only to be open to the possibility and not judge him so harshly. So I am going to sign off and again wish you all the best. I am open to other possibilities and I understand men can pull back and have nothing to do with me. I just don’t want men with bad traumas and/or emotionally unavailable, that’s it. Done with that shyt. Thank you, all the best to you too. 2
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 17 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I got burned a lot in the past by not acknowledging the red flags guys showed in the beginning, so I am now in full mode alert, that’s it. Well if this keeps happening to you, then you're obviously attracted to a type. It's always going to be a risk as long as you keep going for these types of guys. Behaviors are a package deal. You want the guys with a lot of options to behave like the guys that dote on you but you aren't attracted to. It's an age old paradigm. Have you ever said to one of those guys in your friendzone "I wish more guys were like you?" 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Well if this keeps happening to you, then you're obviously attracted to a type. It's always going to be a risk as long as you keep going for these types of guys. Behaviors are a package deal. You want the guys with a lot of options to behave like the guys that dote on you but you aren't attracted to. It's an age old paradigm. Have you ever said to one of those guys in your friendzone "I wish more guys were like you?" I don’t have any guys on the friendzone.
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 1 minute ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Yes maybe I do expect things to be more romantic than an algorithm and choosing the best option. You can expect, but that doesn't mean that all guys should share your expectations. Everybody dates the way it suits their own interests. By exploring your options, you actually have a better chance of encountering someone that shares your vision regarding how dating and falling in love should go, instead of pressuring just one person who probably isn't on the same level with you.
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 2 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I don’t have any guys on the friendzone. That is difficult to believe. Do you have any single, heterosexual male friends that you aren't interested in dating? If so, they're in the friendzone.
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 17 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I am open to other possibilities and I understand men can pull back and have nothing to do with me. I just don’t want men with bad traumas and/or emotionally unavailable, that’s it. Done with that shyt. Thank you, all the best to you too. Nobody consciously seeks for drama, trauma or being used by emotionally unavailable people. Besides being lucky, I don't know any other strategy that doing a better scanning at first, not rushing into something and not acting on solely impulse. Unfortunately, that's a downside on the "romantic" side of things.
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 13 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: That is difficult to believe. Do you have any single, heterosexual male friends that you aren't interested in dating? If so, they're in the friendzone. Aren't the guys supposed to be interested in dating her, in order to be in the friendzone? Maybe she just has single, hetero male friends outside the "friendzone".
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 23 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: That is difficult to believe. Do you have any single, heterosexual male friends that you aren't interested in dating? If so, they're in the friendzone. I do not have any.
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Perdu said: Aren't the guys supposed to be interested in dating her, in order to be in the friendzone? Maybe she just has single, hetero male friends outside the "friendzone". I don't think that ever really exists to be honest. If a single, heterosexual guy is your friend, he would have sex with you if he could. I used those qualifiers for a reason. If he's not single then that's a barrier. If he's not heterosexual then that's a barrier. Otherwise, I don't think it's possible for a single man and a single woman with mutual attraction to be just friends. There's always exceptions to the rule but what you're describing is extremely rare. But we're getting off subject. Edited January 20, 2021 by dramafreezone
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 25 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I don't think that ever really exists to be honest. If a single, heterosexual guy is your friend, he would have sex with you if he could. I used those qualifiers for a reason. If he's not single then that's a barrier. If he's not heterosexual then that's a barrier. Otherwise, I don't think it's possible for a single man and a single woman with mutual attraction to be just friends. There's always exceptions to the rule but what you're describing is extremely rare. But we're getting off subject. I don’t have any guys on a friendzone, but you actually touched a point very important to me: friendship. I want a partner who is a true friend. That is why I don’t mind to start off as friends and let things develop further. That is why I like the mental connection, the texting and the asking how the other is when knowing they fell and went to the hospital to get stitches. Friendship. I have been waiting for ages to find a male friend I feel attracted to. Most guys do not want that. 1
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 5 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I don’t have any guys on a friendzone, but you actually touched a point very important to me: friendship. I want a partner who is a true friend. That is why I don’t mind to start off as friends and let things develop further. That is why I like the mental connection, the texting and the asking how the other is when knowing they fell and went to the hospital to get stitches. Friendship. I have been waiting for ages to find a male friend I feel attracted to. Most guys do not want that. I think it rarely happens that way though, where two long-time friends suddenly find love and then live happily ever after. That's for TV and movies as far as I'm concerned. I think romantic partners developing friendship later is much more common and likely to last. 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: I think it rarely happens that way though, where two long-time friends suddenly find love and then live happily ever after. That's for TV and movies as far as I'm concerned. I think romantic partners developing friendship later is much more common and likely to last. I wasn’t saying long-time friends, what I am saying is two people develop a friendship before they jump into bed or want to be exclusive. The friendship doesn’t have to take ages to develop, it can develop quickly when two people are open to it and not only focused on the physical part. All these restrictions due to Covid is making a lot of people not being able to meet normally and having to develop a friendship first and connect at other levels. Edited January 20, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020
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