He takes ages to respond to a text message!

[GeorgiaPeach1]

23 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

The thing is, he was texting a LOT before we had out first date.

That's not good. One, it creates a false sense of closeness and expectations that texting a lot will continue. 

Another issue is that it can cause a situation where we fantasize what the other person is like, then when we meet in person he or she is nothing like we expected.

 

[poppyfields]

52 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

That's not good. One, it creates a false sense of closeness and expectations that texting a lot will continue. 

Another issue is that it can cause a situation where we fantasize what the other person is like, then when we meet in person he or she is nothing like we expected.

That's true in many cases, but not always and doesn't have to be.

When getting to know someone through messaging, you can develop a sort of mental connection, assuming whomever you're messaging with is a real live human being and not some robot.😲😳

But yeah it's important to not have expectations or place too much value on the unknowns, because as you and others have said, the physical chemistry/energy may not be there when you meet in person.  

I still think it can be a fun (and rewarding) experience though, if you keep it in proper perspective.  It's not a "false" sense of closeness, it's simply a "different facet" to that sense of closeness - a mental connection.

Another plus imo, is given the fact you've talked and have at least  some sense of each other and developed a mental connection, it can certainly ease the anxiety of meeting a stranger when/if you do decide to meet in person.  If the physical energy isn't there, then so be.  You move on to the next. 

It's all about keeping things in proper perspective.

But there's nothing 'false" about it imo,  it's two people communicating via the written word, not unlike letters were back in the day..

Edited January 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[MeadowFlower]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But there's nothing 'false" about it imo,  it's two people communicating via the written word, not unlike letters were back in the day..

You're getting an 'amen' from the back row here. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

That's true in many cases, but not always and doesn't have to be.

When getting to know someone through messaging, you can develop a sort of mental connection, assuming whomever you're messaging with is a real live human being and not some robot.😲😳

But yeah it's important to not have expectations or place too much value on the unknowns, because as you and others have said, the physical chemistry/energy may not be there when you meet in person.  

I still think it can be a fun (and rewarding) experience though, if you keep it in proper perspective.  It's not a "false" sense of closeness, it's simply a "different facet" to that sense of closeness - a mental connection.

Another plus imo, is given the fact you've talked and have at least  some sense of each other and developed a mental connection, it can certainly ease the anxiety of meeting a stranger when/if you do decide to meet in person.  If the physical energy isn't there, then so be.  You move on to the next. 

It's all about keeping things in proper perspective.

But there's nothing 'false" about it imo,  it's two people communicating via the written word, not unlike letters were back in the day..

I agree. Mental connection to me is VERY important, that's why I place a lot of importance on texting and talking on the phone before and after a date. Keeping that mental connection alive is everything too. Maybe I am a sapiosexual, don't know.

But as long as two people are being true to who they are when texting, a mental connection can develop that is important for a long term relationship. Then of course other things are important such as emotional connection, physical attraction, even a spiritual connection, and of course, time spent together in person.

But to me, if you text someone a lot before a date, then you go on a date and it goes well for both sides, both want to see each other again but then the guy stops texting as before, and becomes really basic and superficial with the texting, to me it's a turn-off right there. I lose interest pretty fast because I sense a disruption in the mental connection without any explanation why. 

Maybe it's just me and other people are different, but this is how I am. I need that mental connection to keep going. Not in texting all day long non-stop because I do have a life too, but at least be able to keep things alive and interesting.

Edited January 18, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I agree. Mental connection to me is VERY important, that's why I place a lot of importance on texting and talking on the phone before and after a date. Keeping that mental connection alive is everything too. Maybe I am a sapiosexual, don't know.

........

But to me, if you text someone a lot before a date, then you go on a date and it goes well for both sides, both want to see each other again but then the guy stops texting as before, and becomes really basic and superficial with the texting, to me it's a turn-off right there. I lose interest pretty fast because I sense a disruption in the mental connection without any explanation why. 

........

Sure... A mental connection is very important.  But to a lot of people, txt'ing is not as intimate as other forms of communication.  AND... to me, it seems like you built a larger relationship in your head, that what was actually there.  And that's the real issue. 

As I said before... if he is still txt'ing at all... just set up another date !!!!  Talk in REAL LIFE !!  Build a real relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

I severely dislike being text-tethered or texting all the time.

To me it's ok to have a few back and forths but to augment a real life real time relationship.

Decide if the pings are addictive to you or if you really believe that a relationship can be built in little 125 character snippets.

 

[girlnextdoor2020]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I severely dislike being text-tethered or texting all the time.

To me it's ok to have a few back and forths but to augment a real life real time relationship.

Decide if the pings are addictive to you or if you really believe that a relationship can be built in little 125 character snippets.

 

OMG! I never said texting is building a relationship and substitute real dates!

I just said I like to keep contact with someone I am dating in between dates! It's VERY weird to me to meet someone for a few dates, still interested in meeting them again, and then barely hear from them in between dates. To me that screams disinterest and it puts me off.

The pings are not addictive, having consistency is.

Edited January 18, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[littleblackheart]

You can build a cognitive connection through text (as in writing long messages or emails) but I'm not sure how this can be done through literal phone texting. 

Has he rescheduled the date, or have you both left it to him not being able to make it because he was working late?

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But there's nothing 'false" about it imo,  it's two people communicating via the written word, not unlike letters were back in the day..

Agreed. I've not always thought this but have learned from the experience and perspectives of others (and mine), and I am now completely convinced it's not less real than any other connection you make in person, when you keep expectations in check and build up to phone/video chats. I actually posted links to peer-reviewed research papers on this exact thing in another thread today; they were very eye-opening reads. 

Edited January 18, 2021 by littleblackheart

[girlnextdoor2020]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

 

48 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Sure... A mental connection is very important.  But to a lot of people, txt'ing is not as intimate as other forms of communication.  AND... to me, it seems like you built a larger relationship in your head, that what was actually there.  And that's the real issue. 

As I said before... if he is still txt'ing at all... just set up another date !!!!  Talk in REAL LIFE !!  Build a real relationship. 

LOL I didn't build any relationship in my head, what non sense! This guy was texting a LOT before our first date and then stopped after it, THAT is the issue!

He cancelled our next date in case you didn't read it.

Edited January 18, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

You can build a cognitive connection through text (as in writing long messages or emails) but I'm not sure how this can be done through literal phone texting. 

Has he rescheduled the date, or have you both left it to him not being able to make it because he was working late?

Agreed. I've not always thought this but have learned from the experience and perspectives of others (and mine), and I am now completely convinced it's not less real than any other connection you make in person. I actually posted links to peer-reviewed research papers on this exact thing in another thread today; they were very eye-opening reads.

Of course it is real, if you are being as real as you are in person. 

And yes it is indeed possible to build a real mental connection through texting. That of course does not translate into a real relationship per se, and meeting in person is needed, but it IS REAL!

[littleblackheart]

3 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

And yes it is indeed possible to build a real mental connection through texting. That of course does not translate into a real relationship per se, and meeting in person is needed, but it IS REAL!

Agreed 🙂.

Still not entirely convinced it can be done through texting and personally prefer other means of communication for this that allow for longer communication, which is not to say I'm invalidating your experience btw. If it's worked for you in the past, then great 🙂. You just need to find a guy who is on the same page as you.

[Lorenza]

It's interesting how some people who've written thousands of responses in this forum and are pretty quick to answer new threads condemn texting like it's the worst thing in the world. Texting is not ideal, but it can be mentally stimulating as well, just like conversing with strangers on a forum can be - this here isn't "real life" either, but we spend time on it anyway. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

14 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Agreed 🙂.

Still not entirely convinced it can be done through texting and personally prefer other means of communication for this that allow for longer communication, which is not to say I'm invalidating your experience btw. If it's worked for you in the past, then great 🙂. You just need to find a guy who is on the same page as you.

I prefer talking on the phone too and of course meeting in person, but sometimes that is not possible during the day so texting is a nice way to keep in touch.

Yes I need to find a guy who feels similar, but I also find weird that guys who are on OLD do not like to text when texting IS the first form of communication on a dating App! Makes no sense at all.

Edited January 18, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020

[Lorenza]

3 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Yes I need to find a guy who feels similar, but I also find weird that guys who are on OLD do not like to text when texting IS the first form of communication on a dating App! Makes no sense at all.

Well, you can't really tell if this guy is not into texting in general. It seems like he was just not into texting with you, for whatever reason, because he was keen on doing that in the beginning. I was dating a guy who was a self-proclaimed non-texter and had huge issues answering my texts even months into our "relationship". Guess what, he was great at texting his family members, friends and was constantly on a graphic design forum sharing tips and tricks. He just didn't want to put effort into texting me 

[Alpacalia]

Perhaps instead of trying to decipher "tea leaves" when it comes to a man's texting patterns and possibly driving yourself nuts, judge his interest when you’re with him…in person, and if those dates are progressing.

[littleblackheart]

1 minute ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I prefer talking on the phone too and of course meeting in person, but sometimes that is not possible during the day so texting is a nice way to keep in touch.

Yes I need to find a guy who feels similar, but I also find weird that guys who are on OLD do not like to text when texting IS the first form of communication on a dating App! Makes no sense at all.

Well, it kind of makes sense when they want to know how their potential dates look like in the flesh first. Some might not be interested in a cognitive connection until they meet you first. I've not yet tried OLD so I don't really have concrete experience of this but these boards are full of stories of people who have been tricked into meeting people who weren't who they said they were so they might be extra cautious, which is fair enough. 

In your case, sounds like he was building fake intimacy (not being who he is) to get you to meet him, then walked back because he wasn't feeling it in person after the second date. Cancelling the date without rescheduling also isn't great either.

[peach302]

51 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Of course it is real, if you are being as real as you are in person. 

And yes it is indeed possible to build a real mental connection through texting. That of course does not translate into a real relationship per se, and meeting in person is needed, but it IS REAL!

I'm not sure you can. Although im not one to talk if you read my thread 😂. 

Overall i don't think men feel the texting thing and building  a mental connection the same way. Phone calls and video calls may be a better way to do that with someone.

Another thing to note, people are rarely the same through texts as they are in person.

[peach302]

36 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I prefer talking on the phone too and of course meeting in person, but sometimes that is not possible during the day so texting is a nice way to keep in touch.

Yes I need to find a guy who feels similar, but I also find weird that guys who are on OLD do not like to text when texting IS the first form of communication on a dating App! Makes no sense at all.

Maybe save all those sorts of expectations for when you are officially with someone.

Because if you put the keeping in touch/ texting expectations upon men you barely know on OLD you will be highly disappointed. 

Having said all that it is usually true if a man is into you they will pretty much initiate..(texting calling)..between dates i think.

 

[littleblackheart]

6 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Overall i don't think men feel the texting thing and building  a mental connection the same way.

Unfortunately true. When it does happen, it's not a meeting from OLD; more like a random meeting online as can happen in the flesh (interest groups or clubs or wherever people gather online).

Mostly though, their mind immediately jump to trickery.

[peach302]

1 minute ago, littleblackheart said:

Unfortunately true. When it does happen, it's not a meeting from OLD; more like a random meeting online as can happen in the flesh (interest groups or clubs or wherever people gather online).

Mostly though, their mind immediately jump to trickery.

If you read my own thread on here. You'll understand why I've come to that conclusion 🤔. Its all a learning experience.

And yes very true. 

 

 

[girlnextdoor2020]

9 minutes ago, peach302 said:

If you read my own thread on here. You'll understand why I've come to that conclusion 🤔. Its all a learning experience.

And yes very true. 

 

 

Well I am, on OLD and want to build a mental connection, I believe there must be guys online who feel the same. Maybe not on Tinder.

[peach302]

11 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Well I am, on OLD and want to build a mental connection, I believe there must be guys online who feel the same. Maybe not on Tinder.

Im sure there are but from my own experience...they tend not to use the medium of texting to do that. Guys on OLD who text a lot tend to just be extra needy...or in need of an ego boost..but not necessarily trying to build something. 

If you want to..you could call instead? Then see how he or your next person responds to that..and if its in a positive manner. 

Whats happened to the man this thread is referring to? Are you meeting again? Or not

Edited January 18, 2021 by peach302

[Miss Spider]

34 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Maybe save all those sorts of expectations for when you are officially with someone.

Because if you put the keeping in touch/ texting expectations upon men you barely know on OLD you will be highly disappointed. 

Having said all that it is usually true if a man is into you they will pretty much initiate..(texting calling)..between dates i think.

 

Yea I think everyone’s different, so some are not going to like to write as much etc 

And some people are not going to want to text a lot with a person they haven’t even met yet because a lot of people ultimately prioritize actual face-to-face connection...

but that is kind of apples to oranges to what happened here. They were meeting in person, they were scheduling dates and stuff... he just was taking hours and hours to get back and pulling back in communication which very rarely a good sign. Unless they are doing some kind of game(and even then not for long) they are not going to ignore and  have you lose interest or get away. They want to find some way to communicate with you whether that is email, text, in person, carrier pigeon . It’s just what people do when they’re interested

Edited January 18, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[littleblackheart]

6 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Well I am, on OLD and want to build a mental connection, I believe there must be guys online who feel the same. Maybe not on Tinder.

If that's your intent, you need to make it clear in your profile I think, to attract the right guys.

I too really need a strong cognitive connection before progressing further but ultimately, a lot of men want to know what you look like. I'm not feeling my best at the moment + we are in lockdown here so not ready to do any of it but my plan is to work towards finding a relationship that meets my needs, even if it takes forever. Hope you find the guys that fit your criteria, @girlnextdoor2020🙂

[peach302]

8 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

If that's your intent, you need to make it clear in your profile I think, to attract the right guys.

I too really need a strong cognitive connection before progressing further but ultimately, a lot of men want to know what you look like. I'm not feeling my best at the moment + we are in lockdown here so not ready to do any of it but my plan is to work towards finding a relationship that meets my needs, even if it takes forever. Hope you find the guys that fit your criteria, @girlnextdoor2020🙂

Trust me men are VERY VISUAL. Even more so on OLD when they dont have a clue who you are.

Rule number one for OLD. Is basically be attractive and you'll have men chasing you. 

Mostly they wont even bother with the mental connection thing unless you appeal to them visually. . Also at a swipe theres multiple options for them to choose from..so if they find a woman better looking..they will start chasing her instead 😂. 

I can't say for sure for the op's man but he could also be doing this. Looking  at his other options. 

Edited January 18, 2021 by peach302