introverted1 Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 You are way over-invested in this guy, down to double texting him and then measuring how long it takes him to answer and how much perceived effort he puts into the text. You've had ONE date with the guy, and yet you expect him to be glued to his phone, breathlessly waiting for a text from GND so he can soothe your anxiety with lengthy responses. It's not like a text saying you wonder if your dogs will get along calls for a response. If you really want to keep things alive in between dates with texts, then you are going to have to step up your game and send texts that are playful and inspire a response. Honestly, the texts you sent were hard to read, as they were clearly ploys to get him to engage. I'm guessing he recognised that, too. In any case, it seems pretty clear that this guy wants to conduct the relationship (and discover how the dogs will get on) in person, on dates, not in text. If how much he texts is more important to you than observing his behavior on an actual date, then you are making the right decision to move on. 5
poppyfields Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, dramafreezone said: What's wrong with just waiting until the date to talk about your dogs? Isn't that what dates are for? This^. And what's sad is that if texting were never invented, that is precisely what would have happened. People would not be anxiously waiting for a response, or dismissing people because they did not respond to their liking or not enthusiastically enough, etc. Instead people would make dates with each other, and connect, get to know each other on the date. It's such a shame because GND, it sounds like you like him a lot, and he may really like you too, but because of texting, it all fell apart. I'm sorry it did not work out for you the way you hoped. Edited January 23, 2021 by poppyfields
dramafreezone Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: This^. And what's sad is that if texting were never invented, that is precisely what would have happened. People would not be anxiously waiting for a response, or dismissing people because they did not respond to their liking or not enthusiastically enough, etc. Instead people would make dates with each other, and connect, get to know each other on the date. It's such a shame because GND, it sounds like you like him a lot, and he may really like you too, but because of texting, it all fell apart. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Texting is instant validation. That's what the world of texting and "likes" on social media has done to us, made us dependent on that instant validation. Every like or text is a like a small dose of a drug, we can become hooked on it, and she's going through withdrawals every time she doesn't get it when she wants it. I think she just let go and stop trying to control the situation, she'd actually have a blast on her date because they'd have so much to talk about. But I've seen it before, you talk so much in between the dates and then there's zero to learn about the other person when the date arrives, and they wonder why they lost interest. It's like reading cliff notes on a movie that you haven't finished yet. Edited January 23, 2021 by dramafreezone 5
poppyfields Posted January 23, 2021 Posted January 23, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Texting is instant validation. That's what the world of texting and "likes" on social media has done to us, made us dependent on that instant validation. Every like or text is a small dose of validation, and we can become hooked on it. I think she just let go and stop trying to control the situation, she'd actually have a blast on her date because they'd have so much to talk about. But I've seen it before, you talk so much in between the dates and then there's zero to learn about the other person when the date arrives, and they wonder why they lost interest. It's like reading cliff notes on a movie that you haven't finished yet. True. I also love the anticipation leading up to the date! I embrace that bit of uncertainty. I think you're right about validation, we all need on some level but it's important to keep it in proper perspective and not be governed by it or allow it to determine the outcome of a situation. Which is what I think happened here, I could be wrong. Edited January 23, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 23, 2021 Author Posted January 23, 2021 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: This^. And what's sad is that if texting were never invented, that is precisely what would have happened. People would not be anxiously waiting for a response, or dismissing people because they did not respond to their liking or not enthusiastically enough, etc. Instead people would make dates with each other, and connect, get to know each other on the date. It's such a shame because GND, it sounds like you like him a lot, and he may really like you too, but because of texting, it all fell apart. I'm sorry it did not work out for you the way you hoped. Something feels off about him, is not just the texting. 1
peach302 Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 3 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Something feels off about him, is not just the texting. Did you end up meeting? Did he text you? Whats happening?
winny Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 15 hours ago, peach302 said: Two texts is hardly stalkerish dont listen to people. They can be quick to judge...and you left it after that. Just go on the date. See what happens. Wasn’t referring to texts being stalkerish but the fact that she tracks when he is online and when he is not in the middle of the night. 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 3 hours ago, winny said: Wasn’t referring to texts being stalkerish but the fact that she tracks when he is online and when he is not in the middle of the night. I didn't track anything. I was on WhatsApp talking to other people and saw he was there online once. That's it. You are painting a picture of me I am not.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 8 hours ago, peach302 said: Did you end up meeting? Did he text you? Whats happening? I lost motivation to go on the date to be honest.
Wiseman2 Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I lost motivation to go on the date to be honest. Not surprising. There's way too much pre-meeting trepidation and expectations. It should flow a lot easier than this.. Exchange a few messages, set up an in person meet, decide if you want a second date. If yes, arrange that, if no, thank them for their time and move on. It's that simple and easy. It doesn't require long drawn out debates. Either there's mutual interest...or there's not . Keep in mind with OLD, people are talking to and meeting others so the focus on texting misplaced until a mutual interest/attraction is established. 4
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Not surprising. There's way too much pre-meeting trepidation and expectations. It should flow a lot easier than this.. Exchange a few messages, set up an in person meet, decide if you want a second date. If yes, arrange that, if no, thank them for their time and move on. It's that simple and easy. It doesn't require long drawn out debates. Either there's mutual interest...or there's not . Keep in mind with OLD, people are talking to and meeting others so the focus on texting misplaced until a mutual interest/attraction is established. People in here think it was just the texting, but it wasn't. It was his wishy washy interest, first inviting me to his house for coffee which I think it's too soon, then asking to meet at a big supermarket (which I find weird), then agreed on a walk with the dogs, which seems like a more normal date to me. Then his basic texting and lack of communication. I don't give a rats arse if the other person is talking to 100 people. I am talking too with other people, and still I make an effort to communicate and show interest, and that I have a pulse. I don't want to go on a date with him anymore, he also made zero effort to arrange the date with me for today. Haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon and I was the last person texting. So I'm done. Edited January 24, 2021 by girlnextdoor2020
Wiseman2 Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 1 minute ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: . It was his wishy washy interest, first inviting me to his house for coffee Ok, if that's a deal breaker or turn off, you simply tell them you're not a match. Delete and block and move on. Why waste time or mental energy on flakes? 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok, if that's a deal breaker or turn off, you simply tell them you're not a match. Delete and block and move on. Why waste time or mental energy on flakes? You're absolutely right. This guy screams low effort all over, the texting was just a part of it. No more energy wasted.
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 On 1/22/2021 at 12:23 AM, winny said: Perhaps some older people don’t like texting. But for people like me.. who grew up texting.. we don’t see it as something to be looked down upon as a mode of communication. In fact its a great way to have some flirting and camaraderie between dates. Sharing videos, memes, music... links to different stuff.. i love texting..! It has it's place but it's a poor substitute for genuine communication. Are you aware that more than 90% of communication is non-verbal? It's about tone, eye contact & body language. Texting is problematic & a poor platform on which to try to build a relationship because you lose all of that. 15 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Something feels off about him, is not just the texting. That's your answer. If it feels off, it is off. Although I stand by my caveats from my last post -- everybody feels "off" to you based on texts which are not good ways to read people. 3 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: People in here think it was just the texting, but it wasn't. It was his wishy washy interest, first inviting me to his house for coffee which I think it's too soon, then asking to meet at a big supermarket (which I find weird), then agreed on a walk with the dogs, which seems like a more normal date to me. I don't want to go on a date with him anymore, he also made zero effort to arrange the date with me for today. Haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon and I was the last person texting. So I'm done. This is where you lose me. He made multiple efforts & you shot 2 of them down hard. When you didn't want the intimacy of his home he picked one of the only big public places open in a pandemic: the grocery store. You didn't like that either. In normal times I'd agree that neither is an ideal 1st date but you can't claim the guy didn't try. You just make everything sooooooo difficult & won't meet him half way. IMO because you shot down the 1st 2 ideas it was incumbent upon you to take up the laboring oar for the dog walk. He's not jumping through hoops for you because you have already smacked him back 2x. Although he doesn't know it, you now have your panties in a twist because he didn't ask enough Qs about your dog. He's picking up on all your negative vibes & distancing himself from your drama. Do you understand your role in all these dating failures? 3
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It has it's place but it's a poor substitute for genuine communication. Are you aware that more than 90% of communication is non-verbal? It's about tone, eye contact & body language. Texting is problematic & a poor platform on which to try to build a relationship because you lose all of that. That's your answer. If it feels off, it is off. Although I stand by my caveats from my last post -- everybody feels "off" to you based on texts which are not good ways to read people. This is where you lose me. He made multiple efforts & you shot 2 of them down hard. When you didn't want the intimacy of his home he picked one of the only big public places open in a pandemic: the grocery store. You didn't like that either. In normal times I'd agree that neither is an ideal 1st date but you can't claim the guy didn't try. You just make everything sooooooo difficult & won't meet him half way. IMO because you shot down the 1st 2 ideas it was incumbent upon you to take up the laboring oar for the dog walk. He's not jumping through hoops for you because you have already smacked him back 2x. Although he doesn't know it, you now have your panties in a twist because he didn't ask enough Qs about your dog. He's picking up on all your negative vibes & distancing himself from your drama. Do you understand your role in all these dating failures? Me not accepting going to his house and the grocery store are smacking his efforts?? I have no obligation to accept going to a man's house I barely know, and also do not have to accept a date on a grocery store full of people! Go for a walk outside seems to me the perfect thing where I feel COMFORTABLE. Really? I think I am the one picking up on his not much interest and distancing myself. 2
Saracena Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 46 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Me not accepting going to his house and the grocery store are smacking his efforts?? I have no obligation to accept going to a man's house I barely know, and also do not have to accept a date on a grocery store full of people! Go for a walk outside seems to me the perfect thing where I feel COMFORTABLE. Really? I think I am the one picking up on his not much interest and distancing myself. In that case, then suggest alternatives yourself then! During a pandemic and in cold weather, I can't think of many other places to meet. Also, what are the restrictions on meeting new people where you live? Edited January 24, 2021 by Saracena Add on
Saracena Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Saracena said: Edited January 24, 2021 by Saracena
peach302 Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 53 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Me not accepting going to his house and the grocery store are smacking his efforts?? I have no obligation to accept going to a man's house I barely know, and also do not have to accept a date on a grocery store full of people! Go for a walk outside seems to me the perfect thing where I feel COMFORTABLE. Really? I think I am the one picking up on his not much interest and distancing myself. When was the date meant to be? Has he not said anything? Edited January 24, 2021 by peach302
peach302 Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: People in here think it was just the texting, but it wasn't. It was his wishy washy interest, first inviting me to his house for coffee which I think it's too soon, then asking to meet at a big supermarket (which I find weird), then agreed on a walk with the dogs, which seems like a more normal date to me. Then his basic texting and lack of communication. I don't give a rats arse if the other person is talking to 100 people. I am talking too with other people, and still I make an effort to communicate and show interest, and that I have a pulse. I don't want to go on a date with him anymore, he also made zero effort to arrange the date with me for today. Haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon and I was the last person texting. So I'm done. I was in a similar situation not too long ago. The guy asked to meet..and did admit he prefers in person communication over getting to know someone via the phone (texting or calling). And never initiated messages after that..answers were also lazy. So i just didnt meet ..couldn't be bothered and unmatched from the app. . He was probably like what happened A lot of people may disagree with it. At the end of the day its down to you though..do whatever you think and feel is right. Also with a pandemic going on and with it being impossible to meet sometimes...a bit of texting shouldn't be this hard to keep things afloat. Not over texting though. Just on the odd occasions. Be cause some people do text way too much aswell. But if you text once/twice a day at most or every couple of days...and the person can't be bothered to message back then i see it as a problem. Edited January 24, 2021 by peach302 2
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 I think it's ok that you want to distance him because he doesn't meet your "requirements". It's perfectly fine to have preferences. Keep in mind that as you become more rigid in your requirements, you might miss out on the "getting to know" people. If you wave people off at first signs of anything that doesn't match your checkbox, understand that you will be limiting your dating pool. And just something else to think about: you might eventually find someone who looks good on paper (ticks all your boxes), only to find they do nothing for you. Make sure you're not distancing purely because of ego (e.g. I get to reject him first before he has a chance to reject me). If you are disinterested in this guy because of his low effort/low interest, then you can just move on if he just isn't doing it for you. Good luck. 3
Versacehottie Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) Rigid is totally the correct word for what the OP is doing. She needs to put in her profile that she is looking for Mind Readers as well. If he doesn't meet your requirements, just move on. You are here complaining because on some level you KNOW you are being wrong about some of it. And yet you are still somewhat desperate to hang onto him. After telling the thread many times that you were done with him, you still communicated with him yesterday for a date that is supposed to take place today?!??! And then have blindly got your panties twisted all over again because the texting didn't go past the afternoon text yesterday? This is completely ridiculous. Among the funnier things I've read on here was that you were pissed that he didn't flow with the proper line of questioning about your dog. Holy high maintenance. I am hoping for his sake that you guys do not go on the date and this is truly the end. You need a complete pushover, shell of a guy, a total mess who "feels" lucky to be in your presence and is falling all over himself to please you from the jump. It totally narrows your pool of people from the getgo for arbitrary reasons but you are too obstinate to listen so I'd say you are going to get exactly what you deserve. Good luck Edited January 24, 2021 by Versacehottie 4
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Saracena said: In that case, then suggest alternatives yourself then! During a pandemic and in cold weather, I can't think of many other places to meet. Also, what are the restrictions on meeting new people where you live? The go for a dog walk was my idea.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 1 hour ago, peach302 said: When was the date meant to be? Has he not said anything? It was meant to be this afternoon. He hasn’t said anything since yesterday, I was the last person texting.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted January 24, 2021 Author Posted January 24, 2021 1 hour ago, peach302 said: I was in a similar situation not too long ago. The guy asked to meet..and did admit he prefers in person communication over getting to know someone via the phone (texting or calling). And never initiated messages after that..answers were also lazy. So i just didnt meet ..couldn't be bothered and unmatched from the app. . He was probably like what happened A lot of people may disagree with it. At the end of the day its down to you though..do whatever you think and feel is right. Also with a pandemic going on and with it being impossible to meet sometimes...a bit of texting shouldn't be this hard to keep things afloat. Not over texting though. Just on the odd occasions. Be cause some people do text way too much aswell. But if you text once/twice a day at most or every couple of days...and the person can't be bothered to message back then i see it as a problem. I don’t like too much texting either, but this guy was just the basics and only once or twice per day yes. To other people that might be ok, to me is lazy, boring and uninteresting.
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2021 Posted January 24, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: The go for a dog walk was my idea. Because this was your idea, he's not initiating because he has now acquiesced to you doing the planning. If you stepped up & picked a time & place, you'd have the meet. You went dark on him too & now this won't happen. It's not all his fault. Until you recognize your own role in these missed opportunities you will remain alone & unhappy. Edited January 24, 2021 by d0nnivain 5
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