Sassydiva Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 (edited) I have a close friend and we keep having these emotional episodes and it needs to stop. We are always hanging out, but I’m feeling like I’m getting the short end of the stick with him. I do have a lot of emotional responses but it is because me and him are not on the same page. I sleep over at his house, in the same bed. We stopped the sex which I think was for the best. He still wants affection, and It confuses me. I cook for us, I am always available to talk, and hang out. But I can’t say that I feel the friendship is equal. He has friends who he will meet up for lunch, and we rarely ever do that. When I say something he gets mad at me saying it’s spontaneous he never says hey let’s do lunch next week when your off. Don’t friends do that? Then he says I try to make him feel bad for living his life. Whaaaat?? He’s telling people I’m one of his best friends, and his “right hand” and it simply doesn’t feel that way to me at all. I was wrong to send too many texts, he was out with his friend having lunch so he didn’t look at his phone. When he’s with me, he’s always on his phone which makes me feel like he’s bored around me. Even when we’re out to eat, he doesn’t put his phone away the entire time. I need to set boundaries..can’t have it both ways. I am not giving relationship benefits, and then he wonders why I feel hurt at times! He flaked out two weekends in a row but I’m just supposed to be understanding. He flaked out last night even though he claims he was going to come later-I don’t really believe it. This is why I get so emotional. Best thing to do I feel, is to stop thinking he is someone I can depend on and always have a plan B in place, and to stop spending so much time with him. He doesn’t know how to connivance. Every time we get into a fight, he threatens abandonment. I’ve told him many times of my fear of abandonment, so it feels like I’m being manipulated. He knows I’ll apologize and accept fault, and he is always the victim. He never admits how his actions may hurt someone, and trigger responses. He won’t get it. Edited January 17, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
dramafreezone Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 Doesn't sound like you are just friends. This is something that's in between a friendship and a relationship, which is why it's frustrating for both of you. You were involved sexually, but not anymore. Was this something you both agreed upon, or is it what you decided? If it was a unilateral decision and not something you both thought was a good idea why would he be ok with it? To me it seems like you want girlfriend benefits without giving him what he wants, which is the physical intimacy. I'm not saying you should agree to sex if that's not what you want but you need to allow him to live his life and find someone that he can be physically intimate with if that's what he wants. At the same time, you should find someone that you want to be a 100% girlfriend with. 1
Author Sassydiva Posted January 16, 2021 Author Posted January 16, 2021 15 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Doesn't sound like you are just friends. This is something that's in between a friendship and a relationship, which is why it's frustrating for both of you. You were involved sexually, but not anymore. Was this something you both agreed upon, or is it what you decided? If it was a unilateral decision and not something you both thought was a good idea why would he be ok with it? To me it seems like you want girlfriend benefits without giving him what he wants, which is the physical intimacy. I'm not saying you should agree to sex if that's not what you want but you need to allow him to live his life and find someone that he can be physically intimate with if that's what he wants. At the same time, you should find someone that you want to be a 100% girlfriend with. The physical part was not MY choice, he pulled away so that’s his. He has issues in the bedroom too, but I wasn’t complaining
Wiseman2 Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 1 hour ago, Sassydiva said: I sleep over at his house, in the same bed. We stopped the sex which I think was for the best. He still wants affection, and It confuses me. I cook for us, I am always available to talk, and hang out. Sorry this is happening. It sounds like you are more cut out for a dating relationship than this nebulous FWB type situationship. Don't sleep over or cook together.
FMW Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 Stop sharing a bed with him and cooking for him. I don't do that with/for my guy friends - those are girlfriend things. If you were just friends you wouldn't get emotional with him, you wouldn't have all those expectations of him. If you were just friends he wouldn't expect "affection" from you in a physical way beyond something like an occasional brief hug. Neither of you are being honest about what you want from the other. 1
stillafool Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 It sounds like you are looking at him as more than a friend and he only sees you as a platonic friend and that is why you are upset. Sleeping in the bed with him and cooking for him is weird considering your relationship. I agree that if you just saw him as a platonic friend you wouldn't get so emotional about his habits with his other friends. I think the best thing for you would be to distance yourself and give yourself time to get over him so you can find an actual boyfriend.
Author Sassydiva Posted January 16, 2021 Author Posted January 16, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: It sounds like you are looking at him as more than a friend and he only sees you as a platonic friend and that is why you are upset. Sleeping in the bed with him and cooking for him is weird considering your relationship. I agree that if you just saw him as a platonic friend you wouldn't get so emotional about his habits with his other friends. I think the best thing for you would be to distance yourself and give yourself time to get over him so you can find an actual boyfriend. Yes...I am distancing myself. I am not getting this close to someone that Is just a friend w/no romantic interest. Not fair to me.
ShyViolet Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 This sounds like a very unhealthy and confused relationship. Stop sleeping over his house, stop cooking for him, stop doing "girlfriend" things. You're the one who has to set those boundaries. Distance yourself.
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 The best boundary you can set is no more sleep overs. If that isn't possible or safe (somebody is drunk), one gets the bed, the other sleeps on the couch. When the snuggling stops you will have a better handle on the situation
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 1. Stop sleeping over. 2. Stop cooking together. 3. Stop acting like a GF. 4. Start talking to and meeting men you can have a dating relationship with. 5. Spend more time with family and friends as well as on your interests, hobbies, volunteering, taking courses, working etc. 6. Don't invest in anyone or anything that has a poor return on investment.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 16 hours ago, Sassydiva said: I am not giving relationship benefits, and then he wonders why I feel hurt at times! Actually, yes, you are. Sure, you stopped the sex but everything else screams "I want to be your girlfriend." 2
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, Sassydiva said: I am not giving relationship benefits, and then he wonders why I feel hurt at times! You absolutely are giving him relationship benefits, without the relationship, which is why you feel hurt at times. You have the expectations of someone who is in a relationship - but you are not. To begin, stop sleeping in the same bed with the man, cooking for him, hanging out at his home... But be prepared, this may be the end of the relationship because it doesn’t actually sound like there is much of a friendship here. Friends do things like meeting for lunch, attending to you and not his phone, showing an interest in YOUR life. He doesn’t appear to be interested in showing you any of these courtesies or doing any of these things.... Edited January 17, 2021 by BaileyB 2
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, Sassydiva said: Every time we get into a fight, he threatens abandonment. I’ve told him many times of my fear of abandonment, so it feels like I’m being manipulated. This is a very one sided relationship. Perhaps, he’s not abandoning you as much he is trying to end the relationship because he is invested elsewhere? You are obviously very attached, so to you it feels like adandonment. But, how can it be abandonment if you aren’t actually in a relationship? I would never say that a friend who wanted to end a relationship had abandoned me - your expectations are not reasonable here OP. Worst care scenario, he knows this is an emotional button for you. He knows that you are very attached to him and he is obviously not as invested, so this is hurtful and manipulative. Which begs the question, why do you stay with someone who would do this? Nothing about this relationship sounds healthy for you OP. I hope you have a counsellor to help you to deal with these attachment issues and insecurities. Best wishes. Edited January 17, 2021 by BaileyB 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 Sounds like a bad relationship for you. Period. Oh and yes, even in bad relationships we do get SOMETHING out of it. So few relationships are 100 percent bad. But this ultimately bad---overall, adding the pluses and minuses, it's bad for you and your emotional wellbeing. And it's confusing. Get out of this. This is NOT any kind of typical opposite-sex friendship. I don't sleep in the same bed and cook for my close women friends. We got in public or talk on zoom. We do not sleep in the same bed. Can't imagine any sanity if we were doing so. The problem, though, is that you seem emotionally attached to him.
Ellener Posted January 18, 2021 Posted January 18, 2021 Take a break from each other for a while @Sassydiva!
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