Confusion of how to move on, I need to learn to mature and be more confident.

[BK-201]

Hi Reddit, I have an issue I have a hard time dealing my with.

My (male) first relationship was at 22 I was a virgin. She was 30. It’s not like I had never had options. I have had plenty. I just had high standards no one ever made me feel like they were the one worth risking for.

We are still in contact and friends but I am not sure I can be her friend anymore as its hurting me. I feel like her being friends with me is like a leash as she claims she still loves me but i believe that as in a friendly way.

She has past trauma about being used for sex.

Currently I feel used, like trash, unlovable, and disgust with myself. I had always wanted to give my first time to someone who would be with me for the rest of my life.

When I look back upon it I had rose tinted glasses. There were so many red flags she would say things such as “I don’t love you enough to try that with you.”, “if I was younger, I would be dating your younger brother.” etc. so many things like that.

I feel anger, sadness, loneliness, and disgusted right now. It has been 6 months since the break up but I am left with picking up the pieces of myself.

Sex was very common in the beginning going from every time we met to every 6 months until the end of the relationship.

I had moved in with her after 4 months of being together. After moving in together our sex started to dwindle to every week to two weeks. From two weeks to every month to every three months to every 6 months.

During all of that I would start to feel as if I wasn’t enough to be loved. I felt as if I wasn’t handsome enough for anyone. My confidence started to tank.

I had found a few videos she has never deleted on her computer from her very first boyfriend and her second, while repairing her computer and collecting files worth keeping. I never told her I had found it. She wanted them all deleted as she isn’t tech savvy and doesn’t delete anything.

When I had found all of the stuff she had done for her exes, I couldn’t help but feel immediate jealousy. She would constantly send them nudes or videos. While I had never received anything. I know I should not be comparing relationships but from what I see, she had always treated them better leaving me feel like I’m always second place.

She says she still loves me but always turned down my advances. Eventually leading to conversations where I felt like a loser. When we were talking about our fantasies. She would turn most of my fantasies down. I didn’t mind as I never want her to feel pressured or feel obligated to do things she feels uncomfortable with in bed. I once got into an argument about it and said that she didn’t love me as much to allow my fantasies. She would respond and try to assure me with “I love you, there is a reason they are my ex.”. No improvement has ever happened, i felt as if I am second rate to her.

I would always compare my relationship with her exes after I had found out how she treated them compared to how she treated me.

I would work a full time job, a part time job, and repair computers on the side to sell as I worked in the IT field, cleaned the house, cooked, did errands by myself.

She would go to school full time (grad-school).

I always felt jealous because it felt as if she never had time to spend with me in bed, but she always had time to spend with herself staying up all night watching Korean dramas. I always got hit with the excuse “you have work tomorrow.” “I am tired.” “I don’t feel like it.” “I hate feeling sore.”. Every time I got hit with the rejection and excuses I would feel worse about myself and question if I was ever good enough. I eventually started cheating and dating other women while I was at work on my lunch hours. I never had done anything sexual just dates, because I cannot kiss or have sex with strangers.

It felt like torture being rejected every time and not feeling loved.

Now she has told me I have been the best boyfriend she has ever had. I made her feel secure and accepted for everything she was. I never pressured her into doing things she didn’t want but at the cost of myself.

Call it on incompatibility. I feel as if I should not be as nice or let any one else feel secure anymore in a relationship, if I’m going to be treated second rate.

How can women let other guys they don’t know have sex with them so easily but make men who they think are potential partners work so much harder for it?

I don’t know if I should just become an a**h*** and give up on relationships and start screwing others over as I have been done so, I don’t want to but I don’t ever want to be taken advantage of like this ever again in my life.

I feel like trash with how I think and my jealousy. She isn't a bad person, she's always did her best to make me feel loved but without sex I feel second rate. I always hid my jealousy about her exes as its something I have to deal with myself. I would never subject her to feeling dirty about herself, as she hates her past.

TLDR: I don’t know how to move on with myself after a mentally detrimental relationship. I am trying to find ways to pick up the pieces of myself. I hate myself and how i think sometimes being so jealous.

[maggiemtn]

There is a lot going on here. I think you should seek professional counseling to understand why you would tolerate a relationship where your partner says things like “I don’t love you enough.” That should’ve been the end right there. It seems like you subjected yourself to a toxic relationship and contributed to the toxicity by cheating. Why not just leave? These are things a counselor can help you work through. 
 

My best advice is to cut off all contact and forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you made. Work through your issues, as there is no point to being a jerk in future relationships just because you feel you got burned in the last one. With time, you will come to realize that you LET yourself get taken advantage of, and as much as that sucks, at least that’s something within your control and you can make sure it never happens again, so no need to feel like trash or second-rate. 

[Wiseman2]

  On 1/15/2021 at 8:09 PM, bb0yth0r said:

Hi Reddit

Expand  

It may be best to get some professional counseling rather than getting on subreddit hate groups, such as manosphere, pua, incels and the like.

[d0nnivain]

You hating yourself has little do with her.   You do need to work on your jealousy.

You were so anxious to lose your virginity you sacrificed your soul & sanity.

1.  Never move in with strangers after only knowing them a few months.  You need to be together & date conventionally from separate addresses for at least 1 year to determine compatibility.  You should go through all 4 seasons & at least 1 wedding & 1 funeral together before you start even talking about living together

2.  Put the past in the past.  Whatever somebody did before you made them the person they are now who you like.  If they wanted the EX, they'd still be there.  If the express a desire for the EX because they are not over the EX break up immediately because that person is not emotionally available to you.

3.  When you break up -- separate, be apart. You can't be friends.  You can't remain in contact.  At most you can be pleasant & civil if you bump into each other in public. 

As for her sending others nudes, if she's 30 now she probably did that when she was young & Immature.  By 30 she may have figured it out that doing that is problematic because once she sent the images she lost control over them & they have potential to do real damaged.  She wised up & stopped.  You being 22, do not yet have that level of foresight. Your inexperience also led you to comparisons which messed with your head. 

Sex without caring is physical only.  Sex with love can be scary because you are giving your body (easy) & soul (hard). 

Don't give up on relationships.  Stop thinking that you were screwed over or wronged.  You did that to yourself.  She didn't harm you.  Get a handle on your emotions before they poison you

Edited January 16, 2021 by d0nnivain

[BK-201]

Thanks a lot for your guy's help. Over time i have realize i was just bitter and felt like i got the short end of the stick. As an adult now, i realized how to move on and that i should always strive to become a better person. I wasn't anxious to lose my virginity at the time, i just thought and felt like she was the one. I cant believe i let myself get that low in life. but after learning and living a bit longer its best not to subject another person to my unsolved past. Being single and working on myself after that relationship really made me see things in a different light. My relationship was bad but i realized i was the one at fault for letting myself get lost. 

My mom has always reaised me to be the better person and i wont let anyone else suffer for something if i cant solve it on my own. Thanks alot!