How much 'caring' is really control?

[BaileyB]

I would find this difficult to live with... two things important for a healthy relationship - respect and boundaries. Respect, in that you have your own opinion and you are capable of making your own decision. And while I would value his opinion, I wouldn’t value his opinion on everything... if you know what I mean. And boundaries, in that most partners need a little space in a relationship. He needs to give you a little more space. 

Sometimes, it not necessarily controlling or emotionally abusive behavior as much as it’s just a different way of being, a different way of loving. For example, my partner likes to give his opinion and he has an opinion about everything. To me, it can sometimes feel like he’s complaining about things... he teases me and tell me he is simply sharing his opinion. That’s when I don’t necessarily want his “opinion” about everything... We just see things differently, we are different people, we have different ways of communicating, loving, and being...

Edited January 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[littleblackheart]

4 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

He does say a lot that I’m waiting to find someone better in a joking tone and I tell him he’s crazy. 

Of all the things you've mentioned, this stands out the most to me.

The joking tone aside, saying this to you often sounds like he's insecure, whether it be a character trait or situational (he's unsure of the state of the relationship). Have you two talked about it in a more in-depth way?

7 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

function well in a committed relationship since I was married for almost 30 years before my husband passed away and he allowed me to to do my own thing to a large extent without remarking or suggesting.

Seems like you are used to a more easy-going relationship template. It could simply be teething problems in what sounds still a fairly new relationship.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree he's not going to change much. It's his personality. But I completely disagree with all the diagnoses of clinical personality disorders about a guy that nobody here except the OP knows. She said when she asks him to cut it out, he does for a while. She also says they're otherwise compatible and they love each other.

OP, if you're not able to maintain your boundaries and reassert when necessary that you'd prefer not to have all his opinions, consider couples counseling. Good relationships are hard to find, this doesn't sound like a huge deal to me, and I think it's worth preserving something that's been working pretty well for a year and a half if possible. 

In my experience, boyfriends with opinions and recommendations like these have good qualities that go along with that. They're usually very reliable in tough situations, loyal, have strong values, and many other qualities that women love. Nobody's perfect.

I don't know about a personality disorder.  I just said he's clearly insecure.

What's with his comment that she's just waiting to find someone better?  That's an incredibly unattractive thing to say.  He says that enough times she'll start to believe it.  Hell I think she's already starting to believe it.  Look, everyone's insecure about something, but there's healthy ways to channel it and destructive ways.

At first I thought he was controlling to be abusive, but when I read more it sounds like he's "helping" to feel useful in the relationship.  Doesn't sound like a bad guy to me, just rather overbearing.  As a guy I know we do have a tendency to want to fix things, but this seems something beyond that.  What's wrong with just advising when she wants his advice?

My past girlfriends preferred to talk their problems outloud.  When I tried to fix them a lot of times they get frustrated.  What I've learned is that some women just prefer to talk themselves through their issues and figure out what to do on their own.  I've done some reading on the subject and one great tip I've adopted is to just ask, "do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?"  Simple and effective.

Edited January 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

He insists on cooking every dinner. I try but he says he wants to do it. He’s actually a good cook. 

Damn I'd love it if my fiancé cooked me dinner every night!! He actually does many nights as like your boyfriend, he's an excellent chef, MUCH better than I, that's for darn sure!  I took some classes years ago so know how to cook some things, but he really enjoys it, it's an outlet for him and he's super creative.  

Me?  I don't care for it much, but I will still do it from time to time.

Re: this "joke" about you finding someone better.  Without more context and the tone in which he says it, it's hard to know if he's insecure or just teasing.  I can envision it being said as a sort of tease, or an attempt to get some light banter going. 

Right off the top, I can think of a few playful, snarky responses back.

I dunno, jmo but you sound quite sensitive to jokes or control, perceived or otherwise, so perhaps this is just a compatibility issue, hard to know for certain without more context. 

 

Edited January 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

I’ve sort of reached a crossroads in my relationship with my boyfriend of 18 months. Sometimes, he just cares too much and at least feels like he is overly controlling. I’ve discussed this with him before and he backs off a bit for time. I really don’t think he intends to be overly controlling however it really feels that way. His caring can extend anything from what I do on a particular day, to what I eat, to any myriad of decisions one makes for themselves each and every day.
 

While we do love each other and seem compatible on many different levels, this aspect of his personality is really grating on me since I am a very independent person. I can function well in a committed relationship since I was married for almost 30 years before my husband passed away and he allowed me to to do my own thing to a large extent without remarking or suggesting. Some people might feel like this is just a lot of caring and and it’s example of how much he loves me which is what he says but in my world it feels like control. How does one know the difference between caring and controlling?

Telling you how to eat, when to brush your teeth, what to do about your adult kids,etc. Is controlling.

Your adult children have already expressed thier concerns about his controlling behaviors, however you've stated you dislike being alone.

[elaine567]

This I guess is the ongoing saga started in different threads under another username.
The guy IS controlling and IIRC is a bit scary.

The story of the cat starts with the last one. He disliked the cat as it was left over from her marriage and subsequent widowhood.
The cat suddenly and conveniently for the bf got very ill and died recently...
I would be very wary of bringing another pet into the house...

Edited January 16, 2021 by elaine567

[d0nnivain]

I don't see caring or control here.  I see a guy offering his opinions & making suggestions.  As long as you are free to reject his suggestions it's not control. 

If you bristle this much about someone trying to help you, I think there is more to it.  Why isn't he allowed to have opinions about his GF? 

[Ellener]

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As long as you are free to reject his suggestions it's not control. 

It's true. Though I suspect for myself I am one of those people not great in a relationship because I like to be totally free too...especially to make my own mistakes. 

I get emails from several 'inspiration' or 'ideas' websites and this was an article about controlling this week https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-need-to-control-people-and-life/ It details suggested causes, payoffs and negative consequences of not letting go. 

44 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This I guess is the ongoing saga started in different threads under another username.

And trying to make sense of it would be an example of controlling?  

@Nearlimits hope you are doing okay. I would definitely react ( a bit childishly at times I am sorry to say ) if someone was constantly making suggestions how I can do things their way!

[d0nnivain]

If this is the guy who tells the OP to brush her teeth, he has issues but in general a suggestion is just part of the give & take in a relationship.

For example DH & I are in the market for a new car.  It will be "his".  I asked what brands he was thinking about & asked him to think about a different particular brand.  That is not being controlling.  I didn't tell him he had to buy the brand I wanted.  See the difference OP?

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This I guess is the ongoing saga started in different threads under another username.
The guy IS controlling and IIRC is a bit scary.

The story of the cat starts with the last one. He disliked the cat as it was left over from her marriage and subsequent widowhood.
The cat suddenly and conveniently for the bf got very ill and died recently...
I would be very wary of bringing another pet into the house...

Tnx elaine, apparently this is one those sitchs where one must read previous threads and get the backstory to get a full picture.

In any event, if you don't like his behaviour, leave.

That easy.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't see caring or control here.  I see a guy offering his opinions & making suggestions.  As long as you are free to reject his suggestions it's not control. 

If you bristle this much about someone trying to help you, I think there is more to it.  Why isn't he allowed to have opinions?

My feelings as well; I called them suggestions (see my previous), but apparently there's a backstory.

OP, big difference between opinion, suggestion and a "demand."

You have a voice, when in a relationship it's important to use it.  

Speak up! As I said in previous, no one can control you unless you allow them to.

Good luck.

Edited January 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

You mention it's just day to day decisions one makes like what color of socks you decided to wear or you should of went for the orange juice instead of mineral water, and it feels like constant nitpicking, then that's OCD for sure. People with OCD just can't help themselves, and that's why talking to him about it, to cut it out only worked for a short time.

I guess without suggesting therapy, point it out every time he does it. Say "You are doing it again..." and don't answer him. Maybe it will help him retrain his brain.