How much 'caring' is really control?

[Nearlimits]

I’ve sort of reached a crossroads in my relationship with my boyfriend of 18 months. Sometimes, he just cares too much and at least feels like he is overly controlling. I’ve discussed this with him before and he backs off a bit for time. I really don’t think he intends to be overly controlling however it really feels that way. His caring can extend anything from what I do on a particular day, to what I eat, to any myriad of decisions one makes for themselves each and every day.
 

While we do love each other and seem compatible on many different levels, this aspect of his personality is really grating on me since I am a very independent person. I can function well in a committed relationship since I was married for almost 30 years before my husband passed away and he allowed me to to do my own thing to a large extent without remarking or suggesting. Some people might feel like this is just a lot of caring and and it’s example of how much he loves me which is what he says but in my world it feels like control. How does one know the difference between caring and controlling?

[Fletch Lives]

Wow, I would love to have a partner who dotes on me. Once in awhile, anyway.

Perhaps you just need some healthy space. Go on less dates/see him less. This might be harder to do if you live together during this virus.

[ShyViolet]

I'm not sure why you are equating his controlling behavior with "caring".  Being controlling is not a sign of overly caring, it is a sign of disrespect.  He's treating you as if he owns you and as if you're not capable of making your own decisions.  It's not OK, and it will only continue for as long as you allow it.

[dramafreezone]

I think you're on to something.  Caring is still allowing the other person to be free.  Caring is knowing that everyone needs space from time to time.

Controlling is born out of insecurity, out of a fear of potential loss, out of a fear of if I leave you to your own devices, you'll find someone better than me, and I can't allow that.

A saying that I love " you must love in such a way that they other person feels free."  Control is not love, it's him seeing himself as unworthy.

Edited January 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Nearlimits]

He does say a lot that I’m waiting to find someone better in a joking tone and I tell him he’s crazy. 

[cleverusername]

Can you give an example or two? 

[Nearlimits]

He will buy me a different cooking pan saying the one I bought is cheap. He will tell me I should keep only my best clients when I retire soon. He tells me that I should get a kitten if I adopt a cat and not a cat that’s already 4 years. Finally he’s telling me to have my daughters wedding at a local restaurant instead of an out of state city where she lives because it’s too dangerous. 

[Nearlimits]

He insists on cooking every dinner. I try but he says he wants to do it. He’s actually a good cook. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Giving you a better pan is nice. The other stuff is just opinions. You can just say, "Thanks for your opinion," and then do whatever you want. 

[smackie9]

It's not abusive controlling or insecure controlling, he has OCD. Talking to him won't do much, he needs to be diagnosed and treated with therapy. Treatment will be teaching him to recognize when he is doing it, how it makes him feel and how to stop his impulses to correct everything. He's been like this all his life, and it has nothing to do with you or being caring.

[dramafreezone]

That sounds like more of someone trying to be your dad.  I don't think he'll stop being that way, that's probably just how it is.

He may be able to change in the short term but that tendency will always be there.  So is it something you're willing to accept for the long term is the question.  People can make small changes, like pick up their underwear or stop chewing with their mouth open, but I think when it comes to personality you have to pretty much accept what you see or move on.

Edited January 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[lana-banana]

This:

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Control is not love, it's him seeing himself as unworthy.

This guy is life-threateningly insecure. Cooking every dinner, the jokes-but-not-really-jokes about you leaving him, trying to determine which clients you see and what pets you have...it's way too much. He needs you to accept his decisions and judgment because if you don't then (in his mind) it means you're rejecting and belittling him.

Talk to him about how you feel. If he cannot even relax enough to let you cook one time, I wouldn't expect things to get better.

[Pumaza]

sounds like a narcist.

work on your self esteem that will help you see more clear what it is and also to put a stop to it right away.

respect and care dont shut down your own needs and when you adress them.

he should allow you to make your own choices. the fact that you dont feel ok is already a bad sign.

talk to him about it.what you like and dont like.and need.

but if he is a narcist......he may not change just by talking or in this.And best may be breakup

[Pumaza]

And being insecure or not having a clear opinion can attract controlling people. Since you dont speak up or always unsure in your opinions they take charge.some untentionlly but some who are abusive also can chose soneone like that to control.

[dramafreezone]

9 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

And being insecure or not having a clear opinion can attract controlling people. Since you dont speak up or always unsure in your opinions they take charge.some untentionlly but some who are abusive also can chose soneone like that to control.

I don't envy women that run into these types of guys.  From the beginning, their control can appear to be assertiveness, confidence, which are attractive traits.  In fact it's the opposite.  Extremely difficult to tell the difference in the infatuation stage.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think some people are overreacting. Yes, he has his insecurities, but men like to feel as if they're being helpful and making their woman's life better. That's why I suggested you thank him for his input, then do whatever you want to do. In some cases his advice may be helpful; in some cases not. Keep what works and discard what doesn't.

[Taramere]

4 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

I’ve sort of reached a crossroads in my relationship with my boyfriend of 18 months. Sometimes, he just cares too much and at least feels like he is overly controlling. I’ve discussed this with him before and he backs off a bit for time.

When you've had those chats with him, has he given any sort of explanation for why he does this?

[Lorenza]

Don't suggest diagnoses to a stranger you know nothing about apart from a couple of sentences. He doesn't sound abusive or controling to me, not from what the OP wrote about him. More like a nosey, fatherly type of guy who likes to declare his opinion on smallest of matters. That would annoy me too, as I am independent (except for him cooking every time - oh please, go ahead sir!), so it could be a compatibility issue and if you find yourself annoyed more often than not - let this one go.

But things like suggesting a younger cat to adopt and etc - come on, there's nothing clinically diagnosable about it 

Edited January 15, 2021 by EternalClarity

[dramafreezone]

26 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think some people are overreacting. Yes, he has his insecurities, but men like to feel as if they're being helpful and making their woman's life better. That's why I suggested you thank him for his input, then do whatever you want to do. In some cases his advice may be helpful; in some cases not. Keep what works and discard what doesn't.

This isn't what a normal guy considers being helpful.  He's acting like she's his daughter, not another grown adult that knows how to make their own decisions.

And she says she's reached a "crossroads" which seems to indicate she finds it unacceptable. 

This guy isn't going to change, but it's her life.  Ultimately there are worse things to live with, like emotional or physical abuse.

Edited January 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[vla1120]

Listen to those nagging thoughts and red flags! I spent six years battling for my independence in a relationship with a man who "only wanted to make my life easier" (by having an opinion about EVERY SINGLE THING I DID!) He disguised his controlling behavior by telling me it was because he cared about me (and then telling me no one cared about me as much as he did.) He expressed his "concern" on a daily basis about everything from how I parked (he always backed into parking spaces 100% of the time) to where I kept the dish towels in the kitchen, to recommending that I put on a little lipstick every time I walked out the door, to wanting to know where I was going to be at any given time and who would be with me, to what I ate on a daily basis.

It's actually quite simple to recognize the difference between caring and control - it's all about how YOU feel. I care about my daughters, so if I see they have a headlight out, or I see something that could be a safety issue in their apartment, I might bring it to their attention. If I walk into their apartment and start dictating where they should keep their silverware and glasses "for their own good", that's control - even if I try to pass it off as caring. Trust your instinct and stand your ground on being independent. If he loves you (and cares), he'll appreciate your independence. If he's trying to control you, he'll try to rein in that independence.

Edited January 15, 2021 by vla1120

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Listen to those nagging thoughts and red flags! I spent six years battling for my independence in a relationship with a man who "only wanted to make my life easier" (by having an opinion about EVERY SINGLE THING I DID!) He disguised his controlling behavior by telling me it was because he cared about me (and then telling me he was the ONLY person who cared about me.) He expressed his "concern" on a daily basis about everything from how I parked (he always backed into parking spaces 100% of the time) to where I kept the dish towels in the kitchen, to recommending that I put on a little lipstick every time I walked out the door, to wanting to know where I was going to be at any given time and who would be with me, to what I ate on a daily basis.

It's actually quite simple to recognize the difference between caring and control - it's all about how YOU feel. I care about my daughters, so if I see they have a headlight out, or I see something that could be a safety issue in their apartment, I might bring it to their attention. If I walk into their apartment and start dictating where they should keep their silverware and glasses "for their own good", that's control - even if I try to pass it off as caring. Trust your instinct and stand your ground on being independent. If he loves you (and cares), he'll appreciate your independence. If he's trying to control you, he'll try to rein in that independence.

"He disguised his controlling behavior by telling me it was because he cared about me (and then telling me he was the ONLY person who cared about me" - sorry to hear this.  This is typical emotional abuse.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree he's not going to change much. It's his personality. But I completely disagree with all the diagnoses of clinical personality disorders about a guy that nobody here except the OP knows. She said when she asks him to cut it out, he does for a while. She also says they're otherwise compatible and they love each other.

OP, if you're not able to maintain your boundaries and reassert when necessary that you'd prefer not to have all his opinions, consider couples counseling. Good relationships are hard to find, this doesn't sound like a huge deal to me, and I think it's worth preserving something that's been working pretty well for a year and a half if possible. 

In my experience, boyfriends with opinions and recommendations like these have good qualities that go along with that. They're usually very reliable in tough situations, loyal, have strong values, and many other qualities that women love. Nobody's perfect.

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to remind this guy that he can only offer "suggestions" to you--not directions. But more important, you want to tell him that you want suggestions ONLY when you ask for them specifically. 

You need to tell him you do not want unsolicited advice.  Sounds like you have hooked up with a guy who some old-school male qualities. You don't need his "wisdom" on every element of your life. 

Translation: tell him to shut up! And to politely offer suggestions only when you specifically ask for them. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

He does say a lot that I’m waiting to find someone better in a joking tone and I tell him he’s crazy. 

I'd tell him he's being disrespectful.

4 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

He will buy me a different cooking pan saying the one I bought is cheap. He will tell me I should keep only my best clients when I retire soon. He tells me that I should get a kitten if I adopt a cat and not a cat that’s already 4 years. Finally he’s telling me to have my daughters wedding at a local restaurant instead of an out of state city where she lives because it’s too dangerous. 

Number 1. point is caring...and let's face it, a good pan is a joy to cook from.   As for the rest, is he giving the opinion once, or arguing the point?

 

4 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

He insists on cooking every dinner. I try but he says he wants to do it. He’s actually a good cook. 

If you told him that you want to cook on X and Y nights, what would he say?  

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Nearlimits said:

He will buy me a different cooking pan saying the one I bought is cheap. He will tell me I should keep only my best clients when I retire soon. He tells me that I should get a kitten if I adopt a cat and not a cat that’s already 4 years. Finally he’s telling me to have my daughters wedding at a local restaurant instead of an out of state city where she lives because it’s too dangerous. 

First off, no one can control their partner unless their partner allows it.  That's first and foremost in any relationship!

Second, there must be more going on cause I don't see an issue with any of these things.

1.  Buying you a different cooking pan was thoughtful, not "controlling" by any stretch of the imagination.  However, since you said he insists on doing all the cooking, he bought it more himself than you, but that's fine.   If it were me and I wanted to cook him dinner one night, I just would.  Surprise him!

2.  Telling you that you should keep only your best clients when you retire, that makes a ton of sense don't you think?  That said, was this phrased in the form of a demand?  Or was he simply suggesting you retain your best clients?  If it was merely a suggestion, then thank him for the suggestion and tell him you'll think about it.

3.  Same with the kitten?  Did he "demand" you buy a kitten, or was it again merely a suggestion?

4.  Same with the wedding, demand or suggestion?

It's difficult to ascertain your dynamic.  If he's demands you do these or other things, and becomes angry when you don't follow his "orders" or "rules," then yeh, that's controlling and possibly mental abuse.

But from what you've described, that doesn't sound like what's going on.

In any event, when he says or does something that is not to your liking, then speak up for yourself.  Not in an accusatory or defensive tone, none of what you posted above sounds particularly egregious.   I am not even sure I would find it annoying. 

In my relationships, I listen to the suggestion, kindly thank him for it, then ultimately do what I want.   I make suggestions sometimes too!  And my boyfriends have done same.  Easy peasy.

Partners make suggestions to each other, that what we do!  It doesn't mean we have to follow every suggestion, we can consider it, but ultimately the choice is ours to do what we want and what we think is best.

Another poster suggested telling him to "shut up."  Maybe that was meant as tongue-n-cheek, but lord NO, please don't do that!    There is no reason for it.

I have to ask, you seem quite sensitive to perceived controlling or abusive behaviour (which this is not IMO unless there is more going on than what was posted), is there a history of that in your past relationships?  

 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2021 by poppyfields