Am I being ghosted?

[putthepedaltothemetal]

Hi there

My boyfriend and I have been on and off long distance for 5 months now. We previously dated and broke up because of distance, and me feeling like I wasn't a priority and being encouraged to break up with him. I seriously regretted it and had a terrible time getting over him. We talked after almost 9 months of being broken up and realised how much we had missed the other person and their friendship. We tentatively became friends again that turned into a relationship, after being reassured he was in a much better place to handle a relationship (and a lot of space, time and baby steps). On the whole our relationship was much improved and we were happy. 

But...(of course there is a but), my boyfriend works in hospitality and had been working very long hours over the holidays  (almost every day, for 12+ hour shifts). I had been away from home for about a month, so of course I was very excited to see him when we were in the same city again, however he didn't put any effort into trying to see me (despite me being home for a month in which he could have). For context, he lives ~30 mins away and I offered multiple times to drive to his place to see him for a few hours before he went to work, but he didn't want to take me up on that offer. I believe he was finishing work very early in the morning, sometimes 3-4am, and sleeping until he was required to go back in. We also completely stopped having conversations, he would instead send me a text when he was finished work (early in the morning, at a time I was usually asleep) BUT he would always send it.  This led to me eventually snapping and telling him I felt neglected and as though I wasn't a priority, he indicated in response he had been having a hard time mentally and had just been trying to get through each day one at a time. I realised that I was coming at it from the wrong angle and had been putting more pressure on him instead of supporting him through. I was especially concerned to hear about his mental state (he has diagnosed clinical depression). 

In the days that followed I tried to be supportive and let him know I was there for him, and of course apologised for putting extra pressure on him. I also encouraged him to practise self-care, revisit with his doctor/ therapist and to talk to his friends (if he didn't feel he could talk to me), as well as sent him several links to different mental health support networks (such as hotlines). I also tried to educate myself on depression and why it can make people withdraw. 

Anyway in his last message to me he indicated he loved and cared, but also that he felt undeserving and said sorry many times (for no reason). I immediately let him know that going through a hard time wasn't his fault and I could see he was trying his best. Over the first few days I messaged him like I usually would but heard nothing back. Over the past 2 or 3 days I've simply sent a goodnight text and let him know I loved him and am here for him (and have again apologised for my previous behaviour, coming from a place of not understanding the situation). But... I haven't heard from him in 5 days, he also hasn't read the messages either. Given he replied at least once every day before I'm not sure what this means. I honestly have no idea what to do, I feel like if I keep sending messages (even just the daily hi, thinking of you, love you) I'm not sure if that is smothering him, but I am afraid also if I stop messaging he will think I don't care. I did ask him when he was still responding what he needed (and if it was space), but he didn't say and avoided that question. Also given he said he felt undeserving, I wonder if he will ghost me out of shame. Because I didn't see him over the holidays, I sent him the Xmas presents I got him in the mail and was hoping it would be like a care package but he hasn't given any indication of receiving it. To frame my own mindset/ goals in context, I love this man and want to be with him whatever form that looks like (whether that means just a friendship, relationship whatever), and of help support him through the things he is going through. I've committed to being there for him so this silence hurts very much, but I don't know how to proceed? Am I being ghosted? Do I keep messaging, do I stop? 

Also just to add, he has phone anxiety so I can't ring him,  and I am currently away from home for the next month. 

Edited January 15, 2021 by putthepedaltothemetal

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Are either of you dating locally?

[putthepedaltothemetal]

@Wiseman2 No we are exclusive, we've both said we are not interested in seeing other people. 

[Fletch Lives]

People with mental issues can be a lot to handle.

[ShyViolet]

He is letting you know through his actions and his lack of communicating with you that he is either not interested or not in a place mentally to be with you, or both.  You still constantly messaging him when he's not answering is not going to help things.  You need to take the cues that he's giving you, and respect his boundaries.  You can't support him through what he is going through if he has essentially decided to cut you out of his life and stop speaking to you.  You are not his therapist, and frankly it looks like you are not his girlfriend at this point.  I know that you said you want to be with him no matter what, but it is not up to you.  If he has decided that he can't be with you, you need to accept that and stop constantly messaging him.  Maybe if he gets into a better place mentally he will decide to reach out again.  

[smackie9]

He just can't do it or cope with it...he may say it's ok and excuse excuse excuse, blah blah blah, but you have to see what you are getting out of this....hurt, disappointment and dissatisfaction. Sorry the only way to handle this is to throw in the towel. There is a reason why it didn't work before, it's the same reason it's not working now. he's not cut out for this.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, putthepedaltothemetal said:

but also that he felt undeserving and said sorry many times (for no reason).

This is the line I used to use to break up with someone when I was single.  Plus who wouldn't want to see there gf after being apart so long and she's offering to drive the 30 minutes to see you?  This makes no sense.  I wouldn't be surprised if all he is telling you is a fib and he's involved with someone else.

[putthepedaltothemetal]

Hi there everyone, I just wanted to say first of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my essay lol. 

To be honest, reading these replies was a bit like a punch to the gut but can see how the writing is on the wall in terms of what is going on. My struggle is, because I do want to be with him, I really....don't know how I could initiate a break-up (or something) without it impacting my own mental health (like something I would like back on like, why did you do that when it wasn't what you wanted). It might sound a bit pathetic ..would it be appropriate just to do nothing (ignore the whole conversation until/if such time passes and he reaches out)? I mean if he has already checked out mentally me saying anything is not going to be that important anyway?

I also think based on what you have all said, he might not be capable of actually breaking up with me and is indeed ghosting instead? 

 @ShyViolet Yes that is so true, I was so committed to trying to support him through I didn't even stop to think about if it was even what he wanted. I think it was because the boundary at least initially was so unclear (like not asking for space) but I definitely understand that his actions / lack of communication is basically saying leave me alone. I'll definitely stop sending him messages now. 

@smackie9 Yeah that was a big fear of mine (that it would be the same problem), and what many of my friends/ family cautioned me against. When we started talking again he was so adamant that he had changed and wasn't going to do the same thing again and he really seemed to be doing well. I think that's why even though it is so obvious my heart still holds onto a stubborn bit of hope that if I am just patient enough things will work out. 

@stillafoolYeah that was what I didn't understand, if it was indeed from him being so tired/ stressed spending an hour with me before work was going to be so impossible. I don't think he would be cheating (of course I might just not know) but that's just based on my knowledge of him. 

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, putthepedaltothemetal said:

if it was indeed from him being so tired/ stressed spending an hour with me before work was going to be so impossible. I don't think he would be cheating (of course I might just not know) but that's just based on my knowledge of him. 

That is my point.  All of that could be a lie he used to cease contact when in fact he may be involved with someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

Even if it hurts for now, write him off and close this chapter.

That way you free yourself for more satisfying interactions.

[Miss Spider]

Hi. I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know if I would use the term ghosting/slow fade/or anything else, but I don’t think it needs a dictionary definition. A lack of communication is a lack of interest in communication is a lack of interest in the relationship.  I get that’s a hard thing to accept from someone you love/care about, but it’s better to do so than to drag these out and prolong your suffering. Best case scenario, you are just in compatible. You require more from him than  he wants to give to you. I also get that your feelings can muddle things when he is not explicitly telling you he’s not as interested in it anymore. But I think you must also realize that you will very rarely get that from someone in life( hard to see, but probably a good thing in a lot of  cases.)My guess is that in the midst of the distance he is focusing more on things he is interested in, while in the back of his mind trying to figure out how to mitigate the damage of leaving the relationship or if that is  for certain what he wants to do. Keep in mind that this is probably not easy for him to because I am also guessing he cares about you. I am sorry that you are going through this

[smackie9]

You say you breaking up will affect your mental health...but look at what it's doing now? you stay it will continue, you leave you will move on and find happiness.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/15/2021 at 12:41 PM, putthepedaltothemetal said:

-he didn't put any effort into trying to see me (despite me being home for a month
-offered multiple times to drive to his place to see him for a few hours before he went to work, but he didn't want to take me up on that offer.
-We also completely stopped having conversations
-I haven't heard from him in 5 days, he also hasn't read the messages either.
-I sent him the Xmas presents I got him in the mail and was hoping it would be like a care package but he hasn't given any indication of receiving it.
-Also just to add, he has phone anxiety so I can't ring him,

You sure this guy isn't' dating someone else? 

Edited January 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly