LoveEK Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 I have been with my boyfriend now for nearly 5 months. We've had an on and off relationship prior to finally dating however I am having a tough time. I love spending time with him and I do love the way he is in so many however the side of him that I don't enjoy is his constant repetition with things. We have made it very clear to each other that at some point we want to tie the knot and start a family which is great but being asked every week if I still want to marry him is starting to make it way less exciting and the novelty of it is wearing off. Every time I see him he is always wearing the same shirt, I am not trying to seem like a shallow person but he has tons of shirts but he only wears the same grey one. I struggle a lot with things being the same all the time. It leads me to boredom and frustration. I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings because unfortunately he is the type of guy to wear his heart on sleeve. The next thing, my boyfriend has a female roommate. I worked with my boyfriend previously before he and I dated. I also worked with his roommate. Before he and I ever got to know each other, there we a lot of rumors going around about him and his roommate hooking up. I have done my very best to try and not listen to what other people say but it's tough when some of them seem so sure. His roommate moved in with him shortly after he and I started dating. I was uncomfortable with the situation to begin with but he had made a promise to her before we were a couple (not exactly the way I would have gone about it, if the tables were turned). I have made the best of it that I possibly could. She lives with him dirt cheap and he is constantly cooking for her. When I am over, he will tell me that he's going to cook for me but then he ends up cooking for her too. I told him how I felt this passed weekend and then he proceeded to feed her breakfast as well. I understand that times are tough and maybe I am having a hard time viewing it in his perspective but I have always been a very independent person and have never asked as much as she has from him. I feel like when it comes down to it, if he's going to be supporting her that why does he need me then? I guess I am looking for an outside unbiased opinion of all of this because I don't know what to do or how I should deal with this.
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 Maybe he likes to cook... Personally, I like to cook and feeding meals to others brings me joy. Maybe he and the room mate have an agreement, he cooks, she cleans or does the grocery shopping or some other household chore. Some room mates work out a system to keep life harmonious. I shared a house with one guy who was a chef, he cooked and I cleaned up. He did the yard work and I mopped the floors. We worked out a system that seemed fair. He is not "hooking up" with the room mate. Why would she put up with you coming over if she was hooking up with him?? Could the same shirt thing be related to the pandemic?? This pandemic has been hard on everyone... doom and gloom everyday on the news. He may not really care what he wears, anymore. I've got no answer for the "tie the knot" speak... he could be insecure and needs reassurance. Don't know on that one. 1
ShyViolet Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 The shirt.... is it clean? Or is he wearing the same dirty shirt all the time? The female roommate: How does he actually act towards her now? Does he act like they are more than just friends? Is there anything for your suspicions to be based on, other than these "rumors"?
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 It sounds as if you're bored with him. The gray shirt issue is a strange one, imo. For me, I wouldn't date someone who had a female roommate. Am sure a lot of people wouldn't mind it, though. It's not an issue of jealousy for me. It's just an issue of gender boundaries. Also, if I were dating a guy who had a male roommate and every time he cooked for me he cooked for his male roommate, too, I wouldn't care for it. Just because I would like to have some dinners private from the third wheel. Again, a lot of people would be fine with it. It's just the way I am. So that I would stick with respecting my preferences.
chillii Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) So why exactly is he cooking for her what's wrong with her arms and legs , does she cook for him or do anything else for him , does she pull her weight round the place , why are times tough for her that he should do stuff for her ? Ya can tell him about the shirt and other stuff just get creative he'll survive. Only 5mths though there's a lot of annoyance in there with things for so soon , don't go rushin into marriage give it a yr or two see where your at. Edited January 14, 2021 by chillii
Lorenza Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 Well, maybe he donated the rest of his shirts to his roommate... I probably wouldn't date someone with a roommate, be it male or female, mostly because I'm so over that messiness and inconvenience. A roommate thirdwheeling while I'm spending time with my partner would be annoying as hell. I remember living together with my first boyfriend and his (female) roommate - he would always insist on all three of us cooking together, watching movies together and just generally trying not to exclude her from our at-home activities. It was driving me insane, cause she was just some person I had no connection with and was forced to hang out with, otherwise "it's weird and impolite" according to my then boyfriend. So I understand your annoyance. I am assuming the roommate doesn't even contribute to buying product for the cooking? Your boyfriend needs to have better boundaries. How long will he be living with her? About the shirt thing - buy him some cool shirts. If he still wears the same grey shirt... well, he's a slob.
Wiseman2 Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, LoveEK said: I have been with my boyfriend now for nearly 5 months. We've had an on and off relationship prior to finally dating however I am having a tough time. . We have made it very clear to each other that at some point we want to tie the knot and start a family Sorry this is happening. On/off is a red flag for incompatibilities. 20 weeks is much too soon to talk about marriage, especially with someone you don't get along with that well. Unfortunately he and his roommate are living and acting as a couple. Step way back from this. Don't try to fix, change or mother him this much. Do not buy him clothes or tell a grown man how to dress. You don't sound suffocated, you sound like the other woman. Edited January 14, 2021 by Wiseman2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 5 hours ago, LoveEK said: I love spending time with him and I do love the way he is in so many however the side of him that I don't enjoy is his constant repetition with things. We have made it very clear to each other that at some point we want to tie the knot and start a family which is great but being asked every week if I still want to marry him is starting to make it way less exciting and the novelty of it is wearing off. Why have you already planned to marry him and have a family if you've only dated five months? What is the rush? No wonder you're feeling smothered. It's too much pressure for a young relationship. He sounds ridiculously insecure and needy. Have you asked him to knock it off and let things unfold more naturally? Also, what is the backstory on why you two were on and off before? My overall sense reading this is that you have some legitimate concerns about him, and are not as into him as he appears to be into you. I would take a big step back mentally and ask myself if I genuinely wanted to be with him. 3
Wiseman2 Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 He may be telling you what you want to hear to distract you from what's really going on with his roommate.
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 When I hear off and on...it's never going to work. For whatever reason, like different perspectives, values, compatibility issues, etc....he is the way he is, and there is no way to expect anything to change with him. He's not the one for you.
Interstellar Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) It boils down to how attractive the roommate is, if she’s very attractive then you got problems. Yeah, what’s the rush with the marriage thing if you’ve only dated for a couple of months. Date them for two years at least. You got bigger problems than the roommate Edited January 14, 2021 by Interstellar 1
dramafreezone Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 Sounds like these are issues that you'll either have to accept or move on. I prefer a lot of variety when dressing up, but every guy doesn't care that much about fashion. Even if he changed in the short term because you said something about it he would drift back into his patterns. The female roommate is just weird to me. You have a right to feel uncomfotable about it, but you can't tell him to make her move out either. It's just a matter of if you want to deal with it.
trident_2020 Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 23 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: He is not "hooking up" with the room mate. Why would she put up with you coming over if she was hooking up with him?? Because some girls like stealing away other girl's boyfriends. Because some girls see sex as just a casual thing and don't mind sharing. Because even if she minded the girlfriend coming over maybe the boyfriend doesn't mind her coming over and isn't willing to give her up even if he's banging both of them. Because of any other number of possibilities that make your statement that she isn't hooking up with him relatively meaningless.
trident_2020 Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Interstellar said: It boils down to how attractive the roommate is, if she’s very attractive then you got problems. Yeah because if she was butt ugly there's no way any guy is going to want to sleep with her Edited January 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Happy Lemming Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 45 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Because of any other number of possibilities that make your statement that she isn't hooking up with him relatively meaningless. I don't see the female room mate acting that way. You have no proof that the female room mate would stoop to that level, most women wouldn't. My statement is not meaningless and it follows the traditional logic flow of most male/female monogamous relationships. A female you describe with a "devil may care" attitude of sleeping with this male room mate would be rare and not the norm. In the end, you are entitled to your opinion, I have mine. They are different, but neither is meaningless. We can to agree to disagree without insulting each other's opinion on the matter.
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