Does any wife ever blame the husband

[Allupinnit]

It's because most of the time upon discovery the MM will go to great lengths to downplay the true nature of the affair and it's easiest to shift the blame to the third party.  "She came on to me."  "She didn't mean anything - it's YOU I want."  

Plus, people are territorial over their home lives and the OW is the single greatest threat to all of that the BS has built with her H.  An unwelcome intruder.  It's harder to forgive an unfaithful husband if you can see him for what he truly is and not through the lens of love.    

[DKT3]

I believe that people respond in a way that makes them feel better about the situation. 

If we are talking responsibility for affairs then the WS is 100% responsible, as pertaining to thier marriage, right? This idiocy that it takes two is ridiculous.  Let's be honest,  married people get hit on all the time and don't have affairs,  why is that? Because they are not interested,  with no interest there can be no affair.  A betrayed spouse shouldn’t/cannot really blame the OM/OW if thier spouses want to cheat. The other person owes them nothing. 

I believe the reason we see BS lash out on OM/OW is because its easier then to take a realistic approach that thier spouses aren't who they believed them to be, that they did really willingly choose to do this. 

I personally have a hard time understanding how a BS can logically be angry with OM/OW.

Many moons ago my wife had an affair.  I believe I have somewhere around 6k posts here, and you will not find one were I spoke poorly of her affair partner.  My wife is a beautiful woman and I dont blame him for taking his shot. I blamed her for moving the goal and allowing him to score.

[Amethyst68]

On 1/13/2021 at 11:00 PM, Lorryborry said:

He wants to be with his OW...hes only at home for security..

That's a big presumption on your part.  If it were true the OW would not be thrown under the bus so quickly by most MM on DDay. They want the OW as an extra to their marriage as long as she doesn't disrupt his life. This works for MW and OM and married APs too.

I'm confused, your other thread makes it sound like you want to work on your marriage but this one sounds like you want your AP's wife to give him up so you can have him.....

[Lorryborry]

6 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

That's a big presumption on your part.  If it were true the OW would not be thrown under the bus so quickly by most MM on DDay. They want the OW as an extra to their marriage as long as she doesn't disrupt his life. This works for MW and OM and married APs too.

I'm confused, your other thread makes it sound like you want to work on your marriage but this one sounds like you want your AP's wife to give him up so you can have him.....

No confusion.  I want to work on my marriage.  Want no part in the breakdown of someone else's marriage thanks but no thanks. But i do know generally speaking that the betrayed give a light dusting on the knuckles to the wayward spouse and meanwhile pummel the OW to their death. If the mm gets caught the betrayed put it down to a homewrecker dragging him away.  Then focuses on other woman and is so glad to have the man back she blames everything on other woman.  I'm not saying its right or wrong. It's just the way it is. I definitely dont want anyone husband.  I like him alot but I love my husband long term.  The rest is weakness and craziness.   

[Lorryborry]

Maybe I shouldn't be voicing so much here.  Its just stuff I see on tv chat shows like dr phil. Woman always going for each other over the guy. And its the woman that fight over him. And it's always the mistress fault.  He throws mistress under bus because he doesnt want to give up half his estate/wealth in a settlement.   

[Lorryborry]

I'm.saying this is how it is on tv shows. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. It just feels like woman always take the guy back and get angry with the mistress.   But...mistress never took vows.  I really am out of my depth. Iv no clue. Each situation is different.  I'm no one to judge. I'm not perfect. I'm utterly flawed.

[Amethyst68]

So on these TV programs you've watched the husband is sitting there saying he doesn't love his wife and wants to be with his AP?

You seem to have a very romanticised view of affairs, all star crossed lovers or twin flames kind of thing. Have a read through the OW forum and you'll find that's not reality for the majority. Oh sometimes the man leaves but that doesn't mean it's happy ever after with the AP. Often they they leave the them too or that relationship breaks down in a few years. Stats say something lime less than 2% of relationships starting from affairs last more than 5 years.

I also think most BS are mad with their WS but choose to show it in private,  they don't want they humiliation of being known as staying with a cheater, they don't want the added pressure of family and friends telling them to ditch their WS while they're trying to reconcile. 

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

It just feels like woman always take the guy back and get angry with the mistress. 

That is not always true, but where it is, is it not understandable? 
She has her whole life invested in her marriage, why wouldn't she want to try to hold onto that?
Why wouldn't she want to defend that from all invaders? 
The OW is an invader and needs to be ousted as she is a huge threat to all she holds dear.
Why wouldn't she be angry with the woman who wants to destroy everything?
 

[Xerad]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The OW is an invader and needs to be ousted as she is a huge threat to all she holds dear.
Why wouldn't she be angry with the woman who wants to destroy everything?
 

I agree. It's one more way the OW inflicts harm on the innocent wife. Not only forcing the innocent wife in a position where she is fighting to keep her husband, but also forcing her into a competition how she treats her husband compared to the OW.

 

[basil67]

On 1/15/2021 at 10:24 AM, Lorryborry said:

 He throws mistress under bus because he doesnt want to give up half his estate/wealth in a settlement.   

Or because he realises what a fool he's been.  That the OW was just a dalliance and that he'd rather work on his marriage and save his family.    

 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Or because he realises what a fool he's been.  That the OW was just a dalliance and that he'd rather work on his marriage and save his family.    

 

How many times have we seen this, but the ones who really do love the OW make whatever sacrifice they have to to be with her.  After all, cheating spouses are selfish and will do what feels best for them.

[BaileyB]

On 1/14/2021 at 5:21 PM, Lorryborry said:

I do know generally speaking that the betrayed give a light dusting on the knuckles to the wayward spouse and meanwhile pummel the OW to their death. If the mm gets caught the betrayed put it down to a homewrecker dragging him away. I'm not saying its right or wrong. It's just the way it is. 

Read this forum, you will find no such thing. Not saying it doesn’t happen this way sometimes, but it is only one possible outcome.

Quote

I definitely dont want anyone husband.  I like him alot but I love my husband long term.  The rest is weakness and craziness.   

More like poor judgment and a lack of boundaries. Weakness and craziness makes it sound like one has no control... to spend time with another man, to communicate in secret, to hide things from one’s spouse, or to have sex with another man - these are all decisions one makes that are very much within their control. 

[Lorryborry]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Read this forum, you will find no such thing. Not saying it doesn’t happen this way sometimes, but it is only one possible outcome.

More like poor judgment and a lack of boundaries. Weakness and craziness makes it sound like one has no control... to spend time with another man, to communicate in secret, to hide things from one’s spouse, or to have sex with another man - these are all decisions one makes that are very much within their control. 

Yes all of that. Its so unhealthy.  Iv been so wrong. 

[Lorryborry]

On 1/15/2021 at 12:30 AM, Amethyst68 said:

So on these TV programs you've watched the husband is sitting there saying he doesn't love his wife and wants to be with his AP?

You seem to have a very romanticised view of affairs, all star crossed lovers or twin flames kind of thing. Have a read through the OW forum and you'll find that's not reality for the majority. Oh sometimes the man leaves but that doesn't mean it's happy ever after with the AP. Often they they leave the them too or that relationship breaks down in a few years. Stats say something lime less than 2% of relationships starting from affairs last more than 5 years.

I also think most BS are mad with their WS but choose to show it in private,  they don't want they humiliation of being known as staying with a cheater, they don't want the added pressure of family and friends telling them to ditch their WS while they're trying to reconcile. 

Yes I'm probably all wrong about it.  But I think it's misplaced anger.  The ow should not even be able to get attention of the man if he content I'd be thinking.   And who wants to fight to keep someone.  That is an oxymoron in my opinion but I'm not an expert and could have this all wrong 

[Amethyst68]

 

5 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

And who wants to fight to keep someone.  That is an oxymoron in my opinion but I'm not an expert and could have this all wrong 

Why do you think it's the BS the one fighting to keep the marriage. Often, after the initial shock wears off its the WS who's doing most of the fighting to stay in the marriage. Remember there wouldn't be a marriage to save if the WS really wanted to leave. 

 

If they do leave in a lot of cases it's not their choice it's because their spouse throws them out and they end up with the AP as a default - that's not love, it's convenience. 

[Lorryborry]

44 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

 

Why do you think it's the BS the one fighting to keep the marriage. Often, after the initial shock wears off its the WS who's doing most of the fighting to stay in the marriage. Remember there wouldn't be a marriage to save if the WS really wanted to leave. 

 

If they do leave in a lot of cases it's not their choice it's because their spouse throws them out and they end up with the AP as a default - that's not love, it's convenience. 

You are probably completely right. Yes if they leave its coz they have nowhere else to go is why they end up with affair partner. Probably makes complete sense.  I'm sorry I am at a very mixed up phase in my life and  I'm working hard to make right choices  thank you

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

 

Why do you think it's the BS the one fighting to keep the marriage. Often, after the initial shock wears off its the WS who's doing most of the fighting to stay in the marriage. Remember there wouldn't be a marriage to save if the WS really wanted to leave. 

 

If they do leave in a lot of cases it's not their choice it's because their spouse throws them out and they end up with the AP as a default - that's not love, it's convenience. 

And, lot's of times when they do move in with the OW they end up going back home.  Apparently cheating isn't as much fun when you aren't sneaking around.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

You are probably completely right. Yes if they leave its coz they have nowhere else to go is why they end up with affair partner.

Some men then start to resent their affair partners, seeing them as the “cause” of the end of their marriage or their conflict with their spouse and children. Affair partners will then sometimes leave the other women - to go back to the marriage, or to seek another woman who doesn’t have the same baggage of the affair partner. 

Edited January 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

And who wants to fight to keep someone. 

It may not be the man she is fighting to keep, but everything else. She has built a life with the man. They share a home and have children. They have history together. Her family has taken this man in as “family.” They have friends in common. So many memories...

Can you appreciate that she may not want to lose any of these things. She has been a loyal, stable, loving, and dedicated partner. And now, her life is being turned upside down because HE has made a decision that devalues the life she lives and threatens the stability of the family. 

Who wants to see their children hurt and lose the ability to spend time with their children for half of the week? Who wants to sell their home, to divide their financial assets, to start all over again? Who wants to tell their family that their husband has cheated, to lose friends, to have people know the intimate details of their life and this betrayal? Who wants to lose however many years of marriage - tarnishing memories  of weddings, vacations, births, and other events. Who wants to believe that the man they trusted more than any other would betray her in this way. I think it’s only natural to want to fight to keep her family together, to protect her very home and way of life.

 

Edited January 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Xerad]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Some men then start to resent their affair partners, seeing them as the “cause” of the end of their marriage

Oftentimes the WS looks at the OW and decides she was not worth the trouble and heartbreak of the breakdown of his marriage.

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Who wants to see their children hurt and lose the ability to spend time with their children for half of the week? Who wants to sell their home, to divide their financial assets, to start all over again? Who wants to tell their family that their husband has cheated, to lose friends, to have people know the intimate details of their life and this betrayal? Who wants to lose however many years of marriage - tarnishing memories  of weddings, vacations, births, and other events. .. I think it’s only natural to want to fight to keep her family together, to protect her very home and way of life.

These are the same reasons the WH often chooses to stay, that is if his wife will let him...
 

[Xerad]

5 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Yes if they leave its coz they have nowhere else to go is why they end up with affair partner.

Sometimes if they leave, they decide to move on from the affair partner and look for someone who doesn't have a history of lying and cheating in their history. They're newly single so why not be a single person and see who else is out there?

[Lorryborry]

4 minutes ago, Xerad said:

Sometimes if they leave, they decide to move on from the affair partner and look for someone who doesn't have a history of lying and cheating in their history. They're newly single so why not be a single person and see who else is out there?

Yes it's all bad news

[Lorryborry]

24 minutes ago, Xerad said:

Sometimes if they leave, they decide to move on from the affair partner and look for someone who doesn't have a history of lying and cheating in their history. They're newly single so why not be a single person and see who else is out there?

Yes it makes sense. I should not comment on what ppl do or dont do. Iv enough of my own business to work on going forward.  Please excuse this post.  I regret putting it up.   It's really none of my business.  I need to focus on looking after my own move on. Thank u.im not in a good place. Should not have posted

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

It may not be the man she is fighting to keep, but everything else. She has built a life with the man. They share a home and have children. They have history together. Her family has taken this man in as “family.” They have friends in common. So many memories...

Can you appreciate that she may not want to lose any of these things. She has been a loyal, stable, loving, and dedicated partner. And now, her life is being turned upside down because HE has made a decision that devalues the life she lives and threatens the stability of the family. 

Who wants to see their children hurt and lose the ability to spend time with their children for half of the week? Who wants to sell their home, to divide their financial assets, to start all over again? Who wants to tell their family that their husband has cheated, to lose friends, to have people know the intimate details of their life and this betrayal? Who wants to lose however many years of marriage - tarnishing memories  of weddings, vacations, births, and other events. Who wants to believe that the man they trusted more than any other would betray her in this way. I think it’s only natural to want to fight to keep her family together, to protect her very home and way of life.

 

Hi Bailey. Please excuse this post. Its really none of my business.  I need to drive my own life forward.  And focus on filling it with good things and being a good mother and wife. I know I'm wrong. This is helping me to see that.  I wont try and justify my friendship anymore. It's never going anywhere other than work anymore. It's not worth the grief. It's no addition to anyone. I want to again apologise for my comments here and asking that question.  Thanks for helping me. Be safe you and yours