Does any wife ever blame the husband

[Lorryborry]

I'm just wondering how come the OW is always to blame for "home wrecking".  While I agree shes a participant I do not see her as "stealing"....will a husband go if hes happy at home?  Ow is not forcing?  While I think cheating is wrong,its also human and I just feel the woman always gets blame.

[Lorryborry]

Just now, Lorryborry said:

I'm just wondering how come the OW is always to blame for "home wrecking".  While I agree shes a participant I do not see her as "stealing"....will a husband go if hes happy at home?  Ow is not forcing?  While I think cheating is wrong,its also human and I just feel the woman always gets blame.

Also forgive my ignorance but how come the man is taken back. He wants to be with his OW...hes only at home for security....  and by the way iv been a victim of cheating. It felt awful. Really horrid. But....he made the commitments to me not her.  I couldnt move past it. I told him go live with her.

[usa1ah]

I always hold the cheater responsible for their actions. The cheater is the one married to the BS not the OM/OW. The affair partner isn’t to blame for the cheaters actions and has no responsibility to the BS. The cheater is the one in the relationship and the one responsible to the BS. 

[usa1ah]

So why the question?

 

 

[mark clemson]

Different people will "assign" blame differently. I think for some, it may help to believe that the husband was "led on" by the evil seductress, etc, rather than, say, not being happy in the relationship. Of course, SOME husbands no doubt ARE actually pretty happy in the relationship and just want extra sex and attention, etc.

[MRSR31]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 SOME husbands no doubt ARE actually pretty happy in the relationship and just want extra sex and attention, etc.

As long as they are happy, that is all that matters. 

[mark clemson]

If you say so, heh.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

I'm just wondering how come the OW is always to blame for "home wrecking".  

What evidence do you have that the OW is always to blame?   Sure, it might happen on occasion, but I think that to say "always" or even "quite often" is one hell of a stretch.

[stillafool]

I agree Basil.  WH's are called selfish, dirty cheaters around here.

[Starswillshine]

Didn't blame the OW for my xWH's affair. She knew he was married, but I figured she didn't get the whole picture. He probably lied, spilled a bunch of half truths, woe is me stories. I did blame her for her constant harrassment. I was not nice to her when she would call me, email me, etc. I blame her for the trauma she caused me when I tried to move on... and she would text me from yet another number with very graphic details of the affair. THAT I blame her for. She would not have any blame if she left me alone. I am divorce from him and I STILL get occasional stalker calls/text/private messages (and she has been blocked on all platforms but she makes a new account).

From him... he says he was happy at home, happily married. He loved me, etc. But he traveled and the opportunities were there.... (or he sought them... nevertheless he cheated). 

Some guys just like variety. My ex husband is this guy. To this day he has multiple girlfriends. 

[Guildford]

One reason the wife blames the OW is because she wants to save the marriage and this way she can shift the blame.  The OW took advantage of her poor, defenseless husband.

[Beentheretoooften]

4 hours ago, MRSR31 said:

As long as they are happy, that is all that matters. 

I think he was just illustrating the fact, that MM doesn’t necessarily have to be unhappy to have an A. There are so many variables. 
In addition,  When you ask to handout the blame, isn’t it even?  Mm knows not to do it because he’s married and exclusive to his wife , but shouldn't OW know not to get hooked by somebody unavailable? To think mm is going to just get up and walk out of his marriage.  I think to put more blame on mm, allows the OW to blame and b**** about how she is heartbroken, and thought they had a future together etc etc.    

[Guildford]

Don't for get that the OW may not be interested in a relationship, she only wants the momentary thrill of taking someone who is already taken.  Once she has succeeded in that, it is on to the kill.

[snowboy91]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

What evidence do you have that the OW is always to blame?   Sure, it might happen on occasion, but I think that to say "always" or even "quite often" is one hell of a stretch.

It's often portrayed as such in popular culture - that partners are like some kind of object that has to be "kept" and that others may "steal" from them.

It's awful really - it completely ignores the point that partners are entire human beings that have their own needs, feelings and curiosities - and if they cheat, then that's the decision of whoever's cheating with whatever repercussions may occur.

[MRSR31]

1 hour ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I think he was just illustrating the fact, that MM doesn’t necessarily have to be unhappy to have an A. 

Well I was responding specifically to happy deceiver. He is undeserving and would do the work to be double happy by which I mean disclose. He is lazy.

As for OW it's a quandary. I am not condoning it nor am I above falling for a taken man. Didn't act but it's there and I admit it.  I understand myself more so after a watching a Netflix doc on mating in birds. There were about ten males, outstanding species, doing a mating dance to win the females favor. Though differences between males in appearance and technique were indiscernible to the scientists females almost unanimously selected the same male. In fact many males lived and died having never mated. 

What can I say? OW is an ass because it's a lose lose; such that even if he leaves the wife the OW wins a cheater. This pointed out whipped my younger self into shape before a line was crossed. I would advise all OW the same but again in affairs of the heart nothing is simple. You gotta pay to play and gotta play to win. 

[DKT3]

25 minutes ago, MRSR31 said:

Well I was responding specifically to happy deceiver. He is undeserving and would do the work to be double happy by which I mean disclose. He is lazy.

As for OW it's a quandary. I am not condoning it nor am I above falling for a taken man. Didn't act but it's there and I admit it.  I understand myself more so after a watching a Netflix doc on mating in birds. There were about ten males, outstanding species, doing a mating dance to win the females favor. Though differences between males in appearance and technique were indiscernible to the scientists females almost unanimously selected the same male. In fact many males lived and died having never mated. 

What can I say? OW is an ass because it's a lose lose; such that even if he leaves the wife the OW wins a cheater. This pointed out whipped my younger self into shape before a line was crossed. I would advise all OW the same but again in affairs of the heart nothing is simple. You gotta pay to play and gotta play to win. 

No one starts out in love with the affair partners.  Many decisions were made and boundaries crossed long before that, so, no its not very complicated at all. Complicated or complex are words people use when the are knowingly doing the wrong things.

[MRSR31]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

No one starts out in love with the affair partners.  Many decisions were made and boundaries crossed long before that, so, no its not very complicated at all. Complicated or complex are words people use when the are knowingly doing the wrong things.

The feelings are complicated in that each individual perceives and values and is in the place they are at at the time. Then there is the cheaters bag of feeling and cheaters relationship dynamic.

Sometimes marriages are trash.

Love is just a word. The ties that bind people are fluid and breakable. That's reality.

Real sorrow is when blood deceives and abandons. The self can't make sense of that. Water, whatever; you don't know until you do and then there is no unknowing. What you choose to do about it fills your bag and you move on because we have to live no matter what.  Human nature is force we try to control but at the end of the day sometimes we just need to feel good. Like our life depends on it even if it doesn't.

Purpose is requisite to survival and not everyone is good at harvesting. Relativity is the crux. I am just being honest and my eyes are painfully clear and experienced. 

[DKT3]

That sounds like a word maze going nowhere. 

Basically you're saying we are not in control of how we react to our emotions and the decisions we make because we inherently have a need to be happy...??

Delusion isn't an excuse. There are proper healthy ways to deal with a crap marriage. 

Ultimately we are all responsible for our actions, the way we respond to emotions and how honorable we live. 

[MRSR31]

It's ok if you don't understand me. It's a sloppy topic. 

I don't pretend my ideas are not deviant. I am non-authoritarian. I am not going to broach the topic of honor given you find my thinking too convoluted. 

Blame and responsibility weren't under my consideration. Hypocrisy was. I am simply saying I really don't care about someone's marriage. That is their responsibility. I was commenting on why I don't bother judging a s***show like infidelity when humans aren't wired for monogamy. Isn't this sub Infidelity? 

Delusion is a symptom of mental illness. Disillusionment is a better term, and the correct term. I take offense to mental illness shaming.  

[Prudence V]

4 hours ago, MRSR31 said:

even if he leaves the wife the OW wins a cheater.

Or, she “wins” a guy who learned from his mistakes and makes sure he does it right in future. 

[elaine567]

21 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Or, she “wins” a guy who learned from his mistakes and makes sure he does it right in future. 

I do believe some people grow up and out of cheating, They realise their responsibilities as adults, cultivate some empathy and never cheat again.
I also think some get stuck in "impossible" marriages and cheat as a means to escape.
Take them out of the situation and the need to cheat doesn't ever arise again.
BUT for some they are born cheaters, its in their genes.
They may promise the world but fidelity is something that is just missing from their repertoire. 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, MRSR31 said:

 Isn't this sub Infidelity?

For context, what tends to happen in this forum is that someone who suspects or has found out their partner cheated comes here for advice/recommendations/support.

There are some very strong opinions as some of the posters/responders have had their lives and/or emotions disrupted extremely significantly by their partner's cheating. Due to this, there tends to be strong pushback from some posters on what SOME might feel are balanced and/or "it's complicated" viewpoints.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this - everyone is entitled to their view, but not everyone is up for the amount of "defense" a (to some eyes) simply balanced view might require.

[Xerad]

11 hours ago, Guildford said:

Don't for get that the OW may not be interested in a relationship, she only wants the momentary thrill of taking someone who is already taken.  Once she has succeeded in that, it is on to the kill.

Besides the scavengers as you mention, there are also husband poachers. And, increasingly, wife poachers. (Usually) a woman who wants a more stable man, good father and good provider and sees that in a coworker, neighbor or acquaintance.

[notbroken]

Both the cheater and the OW are technically adulterers and 'to blame'.   Never quite understood why the OW wants a guy that is a proven liar and cheat.    

[Lorryborry]

20 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Also forgive my ignorance but how come the man is taken back. He wants to be with his OW...hes only at home for security....  and by the way iv been a victim of cheating. It felt awful. Really horrid. But....he made the commitments to me not her.  I couldnt move past it. I told him go live with her.

I'm so sorry to hear that.  So have I so I let him go.