Mixed Signals

[innocentab1]

Good Afternoon,

It has been a long time since I was on here. But I am back again….!

I posted on here quite a long while ago about a man whom I deeply loved. We have recently hooked up again. We were NC for months, then ran into each other and started chatting again. Boom! The connection was still there, we seem to click on every level and it was like we never split up. We chat on the phone or text multiple times a day, and see each other every few days.

I have tried my upmost to not fall for him again. But I have. We have had many chats about our feelings for each other, and he said he still loves me.

There is so much I could say, but let us fast forward to today. He is off work this week, and I spent the day with him yesterday. I messaged him this morning and his exact response is “we must limit stuff, we can’t chat or see each other every day”. Now I know that men and women see communication differently. But I have a fair few alarm bells ringing here. What are everyones thoughts. Mixed signals mean mixed emotions I know. Any advice appreciated as I am kind of climbing the wall over here. Thank you

[cleverusername]

My take, either his word choice was terrible or he’s involved with someone else. Hard to say with words alone, if I were you I’d press him and ask to clarify.

But don’t forget those alarm bells and if his explanation doesn’t seem to resonate with you, trust your gut. 

[innocentab1]

It does not resonate at all. Even over Christmas when we couldn't be together, we spoke every day. Now on his week off - when I was hoping to see more of him - I get this. So upset and feel used atm. He knows I have strong feelings for him. It feels like a definite come here and see me, talk to me, spend time with me, let your guard down and now … “we must limit stuff”.

Going to let it sit for a day or two, I don’t want to react angrily back to him. But I am devastated. 

 

[littleblackheart]

18 minutes ago, innocentab1 said:

He is off work this week

Apparently, he doesn't want contact with you on his week off. What is there to discuss?

[innocentab1]

Just now, littleblackheart said:

Apparently, he doesn't want contact with you on his week off. What is there to discuss?

Harsh but true 

[Gaeta]

There are many reasons why men come back after months and it's mostly for sex, ego boost, challenge, validation. Sometimes they come back after realizing you were the one and the grass wasn't greener elsewhere after all but I think we can cross that one in your case. 

[Versacehottie]

Probably either a commitmentphobe or wants to control how his time is used (in not necessarily a bad way, just reinforcing that it is HIS time).  I think people do this when the presumption with a block of free time that a person close to them in their life should/would take ownership of that time.  It's like a little rebellion, setting a boundary.  IMO, graciously accept it, pull back and then observe, observe, observe.  Jury's out at how this will turn out.  I think if you show that he can have the autonomy that he wants, then people like this become less fearful of losing it! Like a scared animal really.   Let it come to you.  Lol.

TBH you should overall proceed with caution and make him earn that way into your heart with caution.  The back and forth and now this comment after he monopolized you time, kind of are commitmentphobe hallmarks IMO.  They want everything on their terms when they want it, blow hot/cold and act like "what's going on" when you reciprocate the affection they've just recently been giving you.  Lol, they are actually pretty nervous nellies.  When you realize the hard shell stuff they do on the outside comes from fear-based thoughts in their head, it's kind of humorous and you just have to step back and let them work out the stuff going on in their head.  Ultimately, you have your own standards about what is and isn't acceptable for you in a relationship so with some leeway in letting him come to you, hope you use those when you are evaluating if he creates the type of attention you want to have in your life.  Like you can bend a bit, knowing he's scared and trying to protect his time or whatever, but at a certain point it will reach an impasse if he can't be what you need.  Good luck

[ShyViolet]

There are no mixed signals here.  It's pretty clear what is going on.  You were in a relationship with this man previously and he broke up with you before.  He didn't see a future with you.  Now you've run into him again, and hooked up again, and already he's telling you that you "can't chat or see each other every day."  This man DOES NOT want to be with you.  Stop torturing yourself.  You should stay no-contact with him.  That is the only way that you'll be able to preserve your dignity and your sanity.

[FMW]

1 hour ago, innocentab1 said:

“we must limit stuff, we can’t chat or see each other every day”

That's not a mixed signal, he's clearly telling you he doesn't want the same amount of contact that you do.  That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you and want to keep seeing you, but it does mean he's not ready for anything more than what you have right now.

1 hour ago, innocentab1 said:

We have had many chats about our feelings for each other, and he said he still loves me.

Stop having chats. Sit back and start paying attention to his actions, not his words.  His actions define what his love for you means.  At least right now it obviously does not mean he wants to be in daily contact. 

If you want to give it a chance, stop contacting him or trying to arrange get togethers and see what he does.  I'm sure you have a busy life you can focus on. You have the choice of how to respond when he reaches out to you.  You might decide you aren't interested in continuing to see him on his terms.  

[smackie9]

Sounds to me he only wants casual, I'm sure like before? He doesn't want this to be sooooo serious so he's pushing back again. Remember he doesn't want to be some 5 year old's step dad.

If you were such soulmates there would be no excuses, just going forward planning a future...you are Ms. Right Now, not Ms. Right.

I suggest you forget about a future with this man, because he isn't interested in what you want. He came back because he's in a dry spell. Now he's probably going to spend the week coming up with another reason why you two shouldn't be together.

Edited January 13, 2021 by smackie9

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, innocentab1 said:

Good Afternoon,

It has been a long time since I was on here. But I am back again….!

I posted on here quite a long while ago about a man whom I deeply loved. We have recently hooked up again. We were NC for months, then ran into each other and started chatting again. Boom! The connection was still there, we seem to click on every level and it was like we never split up. We chat on the phone or text multiple times a day, and see each other every few days.

I have tried my upmost to not fall for him again. But I have. We have had many chats about our feelings for each other, and he said he still loves me.

There is so much I could say, but let us fast forward to today. He is off work this week, and I spent the day with him yesterday. I messaged him this morning and his exact response is “we must limit stuff, we can’t chat or see each other every day”. Now I know that men and women see communication differently. But I have a fair few alarm bells ringing here. What are everyones thoughts. Mixed signals mean mixed emotions I know. Any advice appreciated as I am kind of climbing the wall over here. Thank you

He's pretty much laid out the terms of what he wants from you.  I don't see how signals are mixed.

He enjoys the time you spend together but wants his space to do whatever, his career, his hobbies, or see other women.  Whatever that is it's his business.

I see no reason not to believe him.  You have the choice to either take this for what it is or look for something more elsewhere if that's what you want.  If you think you're going to change his mind you're probably wrong. 

If you're on a schedule and need to be in a relationship or need to be married soon then he's probably not the guy.  Maybe *he* might change his mind but it will be because he wants to.

Edited January 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[amygirl908]

3 hours ago, innocentab1 said:

But I am devastated. 

I have been in your shoes before and that sucks. I would dial back your expectations because if you're this disappointed it could be that your expectations are not in alignment with his.

I would also dial back your efforts. Let his behavior tell you how he really feels. What someone's behavior says means a lot more than the words coming out of their mouths.

I'm hoping things turn out well for you, but if you feel like something is wrong - go with your gut. I kick myself for not doing that in the past. Your gut is almost always right and if it's telling you something is wrong, there is likely something wrong.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, innocentab1 said:

We have had many chats about our feelings for each other, and he said he still loves me.

I messaged him this morning and his exact response is “we must limit stuff, we can’t chat or see each other every day”.

Ok, slow down. That's all you can do. Next time you're in person have the exclusive talk. If there's wavering, cut your losses.

[Lotsgoingon]

Get out. That kind of message signals disaster. Just do some self-talk, and your ego and survival mechanism should help you fall OUT of love.

Dude could have had a conversation with you about figuring out how often to meet. Instead, he sends a snarky text? Nope. No excuse for that. Sign of really bad social skill and frankly ineptness.

Dump him or you're walking into hurt. Here's the thing about that "love" feeling. It's great and it's so dumb. Love is like a 5-year-old. You cannot trust that love feeling. You can trust it to test out interest in someone, but now you've run your test and this guy is a jerk. Dump him.

 

[chillii]

Yeah agree with others they aren't mixed signals he's actually told you how he wants it , which is very just take it easy right now. For a start you'd spent the whole day together day before this was his first day off, he just wants to unwind and sleep in answer to no one or do whatever else he might have been thinking on. He probably wants a few days like that , at least , probably hasn't had a wk off how long ? 2ndly , you just started seeing each other again, but something broke you up last time so he's not gonna be rushing in this time , if he is interested, can't tell, he just wants to go slow have time to himself too and see where you two go along the way not just blast back into full on. Give him a few days first of all.

Edited January 14, 2021 by chillii

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Get out. That kind of message signals disaster. Just do some self-talk, and your ego and survival mechanism should help you fall OUT of love.

Dude could have had a conversation with you about figuring out how often to meet. Instead, he sends a snarky text? Nope. No excuse for that. Sign of really bad social skill and frankly ineptness.

Dump him or you're walking into hurt. Here's the thing about that "love" feeling. It's great and it's so dumb. Love is like a 5-year-old. You cannot trust that love feeling. You can trust it to test out interest in someone, but now you've run your test and this guy is a jerk. Dump him.

 

Even though I am saying to effectively keep trying but watch and observe (that's because I get the feeling the OP will want to see things play out),  I totally agree with the bolded.  The hostility imbedded in that text wasn't good IMO.  Condescending.  Even if OP is a little pushy and elated about spending time together, it's not how you pull back from someone you care about.  Even a commitment phobe would won't want to have the conversation spelling things out either (lol another thing they avoid!), would dodge it much nicer if he didn't have poor social skills.

I think the overall premise that I suggest about playing the game a bit works but it's not easy...and it may not be worth it if this is the sort of person you get.  Obviously, there's not even a guarantee that it will work for you and you could end up in a big puddle of hurt, OP.  I wouldn't advise not trying because of being afraid to be hurt--there is always risk.  He's a tough one though--high risk.  Keep a close eye on things.  Always put yourself first.  It's the best way to keep this sort of dynamic in perspective.  Goodluck

[Fletch Lives]

It's hard to say why he wants space........ he might just want healthy alone time.......but it's more likely that he's losing interest.