The guy I am dating.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Jess,  I am a pretty insecure dater myself but I have been working on myself!  So I can relate to you but also encourage you to work to change.

I am in agreement with Poppy.  The first 6 months of dating/ relationship should focus on doing fun things/having fun together  with minimal expectations.  You are building memories and you want to build happy laughter filled memories.

‘I have learned that it is really important to not take things / yourself too seriously.  And when I would get insecure I would force myself to focus on what I want and not what I think he wants.  I think a lot of your insecurity comes from wondering about his interest level etc.  For example you are at peace now because he showed extreme happiness in seeing you etc., but you start to tremble as the time / distance grows between contact.  I know exactly how this feels.  I have been there.

So for your sake just try to chill.  Take the attitude that if it is meant to be then it will be.

After 6 months then you can start to talk about feelings.  Don’t focus too much on your expectations but focus on your feelings.  If he is sensitive to your feelings and makes an effort to try to understand you then keep going with him.  If you feel ignored then it is time to exit.  Never accept poor treatment or be with someone who does not care about you.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

All you can really do is see how it goes. Too soon to tell where it will lead. Pace yourself.

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

For example you are at peace now because he showed extreme happiness in seeing you etc., but you start to tremble as the time / distance grows between contact.  I know exactly how this feels.  I have been there.

Yes but she needs to consider his extreme happiness was due to the possibility of sex.
He is likely doing the push/pull.
Low contact low interest then high contact high interest when sex is on the cards.
Meanwhile she gets into a cycle of "OMG I have not heard from him, he is fading, oh woe is me..." then "Phew he is back I am soooo relieved" and the world is wonderful again. Comfort restored.
Her insecurity deepens as she is facing inconsistency and instability.
She has no idea where she is with this guy. 
Today she is hoping this has turned a corner, but I for one will not be holding my breath.
 

[Azincourt]

On 1/11/2021 at 6:08 PM, jess060191 said:

Hi everyone... haven't posted in here in awhile. Might be long, so bare with me...

Amidst all this craziness in the world, I met someone new unexpectedly. We have been dating for 2 months and I like him a lot and hope/think he feels the same way. However, within the 2 months we have hit some bumps.

My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me. I have told him this multiple of times. So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset. I know to some people that might sound ridiculous but this is just how it is with me at the moment and I hope with time I can get over this. When I explained this to him, he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want.  (He does have a son, and when he is with him he barely reaches out to me, I know and would never get in the way of his time with his son, but i also believe it takes 2 seconds to send a text, idk maybe i am wrong about this?) 

We had sex for the 1st time over a week ago, and we haven't seen each other since. He did apologize and said its cause he has been sick and wants to be on the safe side.  However on Friday, he asked me if we could see each other on Monday (today) , which I agreed to. We did not make any set in stone plans and he didn't mention it again this whole weekend. He only reached out to me once this weekend (but he had his son this weekend, so I let it go). Today, no word from him, I had to text him first to confirm plans. And he confirmed them and asked what should we do?  I mentioned dinner, and he said he had dinner plans with his mom. So we are meeting up for coffee to catch up. I am kind of turned off, cause why wouldn't he try to make dinner plans with me? 

I am not happy with our situation right now. I am turned off and discouraged. I need a little bit more consistency from him (which i've asked already in the past). I am not sure if I should bring it up this evening or let the evening play out. But honestly, I am ready to either have this be over between us or have things get better. Because I know I can't be doing this everyday.

Any insight/advice will be appreciated.

Thank you,

-Jess

 

If you are emotionally scarred, and you don't want to potentially ruin any good relationships you might have in the future, then what you oughta do is to hire a psychologist or a personal therapist to help you sort out the emotional mess left by previous boyfriends or girlfriends. Expensive? Yes, but there's no such thing as a free lunch. If you can't afford it, forego dating for the time being while saving up the money to be able to afford therapy.

As for this guy, I reckon he's very young, and lots of young people are not really looking for something serious but are too selfish to be upfront about it so the people they're dating know what they can count on. 

You want a serious relationship?

This ain't the guy for you.

He's still in love with his mommy and mommy will always be the #1 and only true woman for this kind of man that never grows up. I bet he also plays video games and owns a nintendo switch. He's low-effort, doesn't want to make plans, and when he does, he just goes along with what you say, and doesn't put the energy or the leg work to walk the distance from his mother's home to meet up with you.

This guy is so lazy he probably isn't even interested in sex, which makes me wonder what exactly this guy wants from you. Maybe he wants someone to take care of him because he sure looks like he might've graduated from high school but he's still living his junior high school days.

Dump him and go and meet actual men.