The guy I am dating.

[Saracena]

Yes, but surely the crux of the matter here is that OP is seeing someone who is far less interested than she is (at least that's how it appears to me) so expecting him to act any differently is unrealistic to me. He's already told her he can't give her what she want, so hanging on in the hope he'll suddenly change seems crazy, to me.

Furthermore pursuing someone like this is bound to be anxiety-inducing anyway. Far better to have walked when she first sensed they wanted different things..

[dramafreezone]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She should embrace her scars and let them warn her when something is off. What he's doing is not representative of a man that has their relationship at heart. If I dump the next man I date for being protective of his phone is that insecurities from my scars? or my scars warning me something is off? OP should listen to her scars waring her, not try to shut down that little voice. 

Intuition is unreliable at times, especially when it's formed on a faulty premise.  Like I said, if some guy in the past was unfaithtful, that doesn't mean that all guys are unfaithful. 

All she's shared is that this guy doesn't call her every day, he has a son to take care of and that he had dinner with his mother instead of her.   If that's enough of a reason to break up with someone, then she's going to find it tough to find a great guy. 

And we're only getting one side of this.  If she's admitting being anxious about him not calling every day I'm betting she's demonstrating other jealous behavior that she doesn't want to admit to here.

[Versacehottie]

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She should embrace her scars and let them warn her when something is off. What he's doing is not representative of a man that has their relationship at heart. If I dump the next man I date for being protective of his phone is that insecurities from my scars? or my scars warning me something is off? OP should listen to her scars waring her, not try to shut down that little voice. 

if she thinks it's totally reasonable to have this intuition and these scars that "guide" her, there is ONE thing to do: walk away.  BUT she doesn't want to do that. She wants to hang in and change him, beat her head against a wall.  I'm sure that's because deep down she questions if she is being reasonable and knows she can't hold people to deal with all her baggage. or she will be out of options or not like the ones she gets.  she can't have it both ways---that's effectively my point, is that she needs to address her baggage.  OR totally reasonable to walk away, IMO and find someone who can work in her parameters.  She's failing to do that though which indicates something going on with her.  My guess is he is one foot out the door though.  And I'm sure how she acts is part of the reason.  Just as if she was one foot out the door, how HE acts would be part of the reason.

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

My guess is he is one foot out the door though.  And I'm sure how she acts is part of the reason.  

It would not surprise me if it was the main reason. 

It's often a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You want something so badly, you're anxious, insecure when it's not happening on your time table. 

So you either "talk" it to death or send subtle signals through your energy that you're an insecure wreck.

Which results in just what the OP's boyfriend told her - "I can't give you what you want."

Translated in male lingo it means I'm feeling pressured, suffocated, turned OFF.

It becomes an ugly vicious cycle of you pushing, him pulling.

OP if you could try to relax a bit, enjoy him, enjoy the sex, enjoy the journey and detach from outcome, you could have this guy!  HE would be the one wondering about you!  

But that's not you due to your past which you never bothered to sort out before meeting him and embarking on a relationship.  And are now expecting him to fix for you.

Moving closer to each other is very rarely linear, if I've learned anything, it's that.

You've got to be flexible and be okay with changing nuances.  

If not, you're gonna lose him or any man you seek to have a serious relationship with. 

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP if you could try to relax a bit, enjoy him, enjoy the sex, enjoy the journey and detach from outcome, you could have this guy! 

I think this guy does  not want to belong to OP. 

An interested man acts interested. This  man is giving crumbs to OP and it's time for her to recognize that and dump him. How long should she act detached to the outcome before realizing he's not up to the job of being her boyfriend? She needs to recognize incompatibility and indifference early to not end up in a full heartbreak each time some uninterested bozo crosses her path. 

Re-read the initial post and tell me what is so great about this guy? He can't bother to communicate with her once a day, or can't be bothered to see her at least once a week, and he invites her out on  a coffee after a family dinner as their date following intimacy? even you wouldn't put up with that! 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I think this guy does  not want to belong to OP. 

An interested man acts interested. This  man is giving crumbs to OP and it's time for her to recognize that and dump him. How long should she act detached to the outcome before realizing he's not up to the job of being her boyfriend? She needs to recognize incompatibility and indifference early to not end up in a full heartbreak each time some uninterested bozo crosses her path. 

Re-read the initial post and tell me what is so great about this guy? He can't bother to communicate with her once a day, or can't be bothered to see her at least once a week, and he invites her out on  a coffee after a family dinner as their date following intimacy? even you wouldn't put up with that! 

I don't need to re-read the original post Gaeta, I read it once and know what it says. 

I respect your opinion Gaeta but I feel differently.  I conduct my relationships differently.  And like I said, everyone moves closer to their partner at their own pace.  It's only been two months.  That is very early stages imo.  Maybe not for you, or others, but for many it is.  Perhaps for this man it is, for whatever reasons. 

It doesn't have to mean he's not interested.  I mean maybe he's not, but just because he wanted to take her to coffee instead of dinner isn't a reflection of that.  Okay he pulled back a bit, so what?  He's not ignoring her, he has not ghosted her, he's still in touch.  Perhaps he's taking some space to reassess which is NOT uncommon after first time sex.  Sex changes things, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst.

Like I said, imo and experience the road to a serious relationship is rarely linear, and I think it's important to understand that and stop imposing rigid rules and expectations re how everything is "supposed" to be.

Was it linear in all your serious relationships?  Never any push/pull, or deviation from the "norm"?  Mine weren't, including my current.  I was a member of another forum when I met him and it's all posted there, all the minor and major blips we experienced.   But we made it through.

I will never understand this rush to get to the finish (i.e. a serious relationship).  Many women (and men) have  all these rules, an "agenda," a "plan" on how everything is supposed to go down, and if their boyfriend or the man they're dating deviates from that agenda even just a little bit, they automatically assume it MUST mean he's not interested, when that is NOT always the case.  It's just not.

Re the OP's guy, I have no idea what's going on in his head, and neither does anyone else except HIM.  Maybe he's not interested, that's not for me to say.  Not based on the very little information the OP has provided.

The OP should be communicating with HIM, talking to him, not us.  Although I realize if she or anyone else didn't, this forum wouldn't exist!  lol

If the OP wants it to work with this guy, my advice is to say nothing any continuing observing.  Enjoy the journey.  If he continues to be distant and she continues to feel anxious and insecure, then wish him well and walk.

Anyway, just my $.02.  

 

 

  

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add (too late to edit), I believe if the OP were to just relax a bit, enjoy the process of moving closer to each other, let go of her insecurities, and simply enjoy each other and make their time together sexy and fun, she could flip this around.  She could have HIM wondering about HER, how she feels, and HE would be the one wanting to spend more time!

I truly believe that, unless he was never in it to begin with, which is possible.

Edited January 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

An interested man acts interested. This  man is giving crumbs to OP and it's time for her to recognize that and dump him. How long should she act detached to the outcome before realizing he's not up to the job of being her boyfriend? She needs to recognize incompatibility and indifference early to not end up in a full heartbreak each time some uninterested bozo crosses her path.

Exactly.
Yes she could step back and accept the crumbs he gives her, wait patiently for more non prioritising nonsense, have more "talks" and end up in a casual/FWB type relationship that is great for him as he parents his son, but is totally unfulfilling for her.
She could waste a lot of time here, as she gets more and more deeply invested in this, unavailable, unobtainable guy, to find one day he goes off to find a woman he does want to prioritise.

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Exactly.
Yes she could step back and accept the crumbs he gives her, wait patiently for more non prioritising nonsense, have more "talks" and end up in a casual/FWB type relationship that is great for him as he parents his son, but is totally unfulfilling for her.
She could waste a lot of time here, as she gets more and more deeply invested in this, unavailable, unobtainable guy, to find one day he goes off to find a woman he does want to prioritise.

I don't think she should have more "talks" heaven's no, all these "talks" are part of the problem!  

Anyway, we all have our own opinion about it and that's okay.  I don't see it as "crumbs," and I am also not one to assume anything -  how he feels, or what he wants or doesn't want, and I think not prioritizing her over his son OR even his mother at only two months in, is understandable.

But if the OP needs more, which she clearly does, that is certainly her prerogative, again simply wish him well and walk.  Find a man without children or whose attachment style matches hers who can give her more of what she needs.

 

 

Edited January 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I will never understand this rush to get to the finish (i.e. a serious relationship).  Many women (and men) have  all these rules, an "agenda," a "plan" on how everything is supposed to go down

Has nothing to do with current discussion. OP wants 1 call or text a day and 1 date per week. I would not call that a rush to finish line. She is expecting very little and he cannot even deliver that. 

Also, The kid is 9  year old, her bf as him 2 weekends a month and every Thursday that's a total of 8 days a month with his child, how is that suppose to be an excuse for not giving her bare minimum attention? There are 22 other days in the month without his child. 

[elaine567]

 

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't think she should have more "talks" heaven's no, all these "talks" are part of the problem

Agreed.
A talk about "Why aren't you more interested?" in the first two months...
No talk needed.
NEXT! and move on, is what is needed.
If he isn't interested in keeping in touch, no "talk" is going to help.
Talks are for established couples to iron out issues, not dates.

[Calmandfocused]

Op you’re so preoccupied with not bringing your old patterns into this relationship that you’re not recognising disinterest when it’s smacking you in the face. 
 

We all have a history and we all have to learn and own our mistakes. However that doesn’t mean we have to accept the behaviour of others,  especially when such behaviour doesn’t fulfil our needs. 
 

You’re wasting your time with this man. Direct your personal growth to a man who at the very least makes you feel valued. This one isn’t going to do that I’m afraid. 
 

Don’t waste any more time on him is my advice. 

[smackie9]

People only make excuses when they are not that into you.

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

People only make excuses when they are not that into you.

And if they show too much interest, then they’re “love bombing” and it’s a flag. I think him being careful because he’s not feeling well during a pandemic is a pretty good excuse...

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Has nothing to do with current discussion. OP wants 1 call or text a day and 1 date per week. I would not call that a rush to finish line. She is expecting very little and he cannot even deliver that. 

Also, The kid is 9  year old, her bf as him 2 weekends a month and every Thursday that's a total of 8 days a month with his child, how is that suppose to be an excuse for not giving her bare minimum attention? There are 22 other days in the month without his child. 

Gaeta, I am not saying you are wrong, in fact you could be right!  I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't like to assume anything for the reasons I gave in previous posts.   We all have different styles, and we all move closer at our own pace.

But yeah you could be right!   If this were me, I dunno it would depend on our connection most of all.  Our chemistry, our energy, how well we get on, how intimate the sex was, how I felt immediately afterwards.

The OP hasn't posted anything about that so yeah on its face, I can understand how it might not look good.

But things are not always what they appear to be either, so there's that.

Anyway, they had coffee last night so I hope the OP returns and updates!  

Edited January 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think this guy does  not want to belong to OP. 

An interested man acts interested. This  man is giving crumbs to OP and it's time for her to recognize that and dump him. How long should she act detached to the outcome before realizing he's not up to the job of being her boyfriend? She needs to recognize incompatibility and indifference early to not end up in a full heartbreak each time some uninterested bozo crosses her path. 

Re-read the initial post and tell me what is so great about this guy? He can't bother to communicate with her once a day, or can't be bothered to see her at least once a week, and he invites her out on  a coffee after a family dinner as their date following intimacy? even you wouldn't put up with that! 

"Up to the job?"  What does that mean?  This man is not her employee.  This man is not here to serve her.  They're supposed to be enjoying other people's company, not some situation where one person feels that they're entitled to attention. 

OP, if you want a guy without kids, who doesn't have dinner with his mother and will call you every day, then there are no shortage of guys that will check those boxes and more.  But for some reason I'm guessing you don't find those guys attractive.

Either accept this guy as he is or find a guy that will do whatever you want him to do.

Edited January 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And if they show too much interest, then they’re “love bombing” and it’s a flag. I think him being careful because he’s not feeling well during a pandemic is a pretty good excuse...

OK maybe, but surely if he was not feeling well that week, then dining with his older and more at risk mother should be something he should have put off. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

"Up to the job?"  What does that mean?  This man is not her employee.  This man is not here to serve her.  They're supposed to be enjoying other people's company, not some situation where one person feels that they're entitled to attention. 

OP, if you want a guy without kids, who doesn't have dinner with his mother and will call you every day, then there are no shortage of guys that will check those boxes and more.  But for some reason I'm guessing you don't find those guys attractive.

Either accept this guy as he is or find a guy that will do whatever you want him to do.

'up for the job' Figure of speech. C'mon.

Explain to me where having his kid 8 days a month keeps him from properly dating this woman? 1-2 days a week

Explain to me where having dinner with his mother on Monday night keeps him from spending the night or evening with OP on Tuesday, Wednesday Friday, Saturday, Sunday ?

Explain to me why a woman wanting 1 call/text a day and 1 date a week is her wanting him to do what ever she wants?

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

'up for the job' Figure of speech. C'mon.

Explain to me where having his kid 8 days a month keeps him from properly dating this woman? 1-2 days a week

Explain to me where having dinner with his mother on Monday night keeps him from spending the night or evening with OP on Tuesday, Wednesday Friday, Saturday, Sunday ?

Explain to me why a woman wanting 1 call/text a day and 1 date a week is her wanting him to do what ever she wants?

Because it’s what she wants him to do, and not what he wants to do. As soon as it turns into “you should be doing what I want you to do rather than what you want to do” you know your thinking is flawed. 
 

But as stated by many, there is no reason to continue if the OP doesn’t like it this way.

[princessaurora]

I wonder if he's seeing other people besides OP. A coffee date is more like a meet up . It doesn't seem like the sort of thing you would set up with someone you've been dating for 2 months and just got intimate with for the first time.  

Just something to consider. 

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Because it’s what she wants him to do, and not what he wants to do. As soon as it turns into “you should be doing what I want you to do rather than what you want to do” you know your thinking is flawed. 
 

But as stated by many, there is no reason to continue if the OP doesn’t like it this way.

The thing is, there are plenty of guys that would be compliant to her requests.  But then what would she say to her friends if she were dating one of these guys?  "He just lets me walk all over him.  I want a man that stands up for himself."

The reality is, if those things were that important to her, she would be with a guy that would do those things.  The calling, the coffee date, these are not the real issues.  Her insecurity, lack of trust in this man is the root issue.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think some of us are more invested in this thread than OP even is. 

[jess060191]

Hi everyone! Sorry today was a crazy day at work... 

So last night- I am very confused honestly. Because it went well. Like he was so happy to see me and I was like caught off guard because of the whole him having dinner with his mom and only wanting to get coffee with me... Like am I overthinking this? Am I self-sabotaging this? IDK what to think anymore. I brought up the whole situation on how he didn't want to do dinner tonight and he was caught off guard. Like I believe he did not see anything wrong about his actions. 

My girlfriends think he is a fck boy and that I should ditch him. But I am either really stupid because I do not feel that way or my girlfriends are wrong.

I think the best approach right now is to TRY to relax and enjoy the process. He has been texting me all day, so I am assuming things are okay.

Thank you everyone for their insights, this thread really blew up lol. I love it!

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

My girlfriends think he is a fck boy and that I should ditch him.

Would you share with us why your girlfriends think he's a fck boy?

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

My girlfriends think he is a fck boy and that I should ditch him.

Why did he want to have sex after coffee?