Author jess060191 Posted January 11, 2021 Author Posted January 11, 2021 Ok so I’m getting a lot of feedback and I appreciate it.... should I say anything to him tonight or just play it out ?
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 You have 2 choices. 1. You tell him that it's important for you to keep a good communication/connection in a relationship and if it's not something he can do then you'll move on. 2. You don't say anything, you stop contacting him and see where he take this. If it's not to your satisfaction you end it. 3
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 13 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: hmm, wouldn't it be more helpful to you to resolve your issue about needing an unreasonable amount of contact I don't think wanting 1 communication per day after 2 months dating is unreasonable. 2
dramafreezone Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: I don't think wanting 1 communication per day after 2 months dating is unreasonable. Maybe not, but what I found to be a red flag is that she thinks he should be initiating it every time. If he were to ask her the question, "Why is it important to you that I call you 1 or more times a day," her answer would be because I have anxiety due to what's happened to me in past relationships. That tells you what the problem is. It's not him, it's her issue. It's not his job to have to constantly put bandaids on her issue. She needs to fix them. I think most well-adjusted men with a lot going on in their lives would find this amount of dependency to be a red flag. There are plenty of co-dependent guys out there that will put her first and call her as much as she wants. She can date one of them if this is what she needs. 3
Acacia98 Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 3 hours ago, jess060191 said: Hi everyone... haven't posted in here in awhile. Might be long, so bare with me... Amidst all this craziness in the world, I met someone new unexpectedly. We have been dating for 2 months and I like him a lot and hope/think he feels the same way. However, within the 2 months we have hit some bumps. My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me. I have told him this multiple of times. So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset. I know to some people that might sound ridiculous but this is just how it is with me at the moment and I hope with time I can get over this. When I explained this to him, he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want. (He does have a son, and when he is with him he barely reaches out to me, I know and would never get in the way of his time with his son, but i also believe it takes 2 seconds to send a text, idk maybe i am wrong about this?) We had sex for the 1st time over a week ago, and we haven't seen each other since. He did apologize and said its cause he has been sick and wants to be on the safe side. However on Friday, he asked me if we could see each other on Monday (today) , which I agreed to. We did not make any set in stone plans and he didn't mention it again this whole weekend. He only reached out to me once this weekend (but he had his son this weekend, so I let it go). Today, no word from him, I had to text him first to confirm plans. And he confirmed them and asked what should we do? I mentioned dinner, and he said he had dinner plans with his mom. So we are meeting up for coffee to catch up. I am kind of turned off, cause why wouldn't he try to make dinner plans with me? I am not happy with our situation right now. I am turned off and discouraged. I need a little bit more consistency from him (which i've asked already in the past). I am not sure if I should bring it up this evening or let the evening play out. But honestly, I am ready to either have this be over between us or have things get better. Because I know I can't be doing this everyday. Any insight/advice will be appreciated. Thank you, -Jess Let him go. The point of dating is to get to know the person you're with and figure out if he's right for you. The point is not to turn him into your idea of what the ideal guy looks like (because it's not actually possible to change who someone is, nor is it desirable).
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 28 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Maybe not, but what I found to be a red flag is that she thinks he should be initiating it every time She has not said that. Actually she said she does reach to him and it takes him a few hours, sometimes a day to respond. 1
Acacia98 Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) 44 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You have 2 choices. 1. You tell him that it's important for you to keep a good communication/connection in a relationship and if it's not something he can do then you'll move on. 2. You don't say anything, you stop contacting him and see where he take this. If it's not to your satisfaction you end it. OP, I'd go with #2. You've already tried #1 (or some variation of it) and it didn't work. Edited January 11, 2021 by Acacia98 2
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 I don't think there is anything wrong in what OP is expecting from her new boyfriend. She feels needy but it's only generated by her bf's lack of consistency. Her gut feeling is telling her something is off and she should listen to that little voice. OP this man is not 100% on board with you. I can't wrap my mind around the fact he will have 'coffee' with you today! Last time you were together you were intimate and the best he can do on your following date is take you out for coffee?? Something is off. This man should be inviting you over (no son today) or he should head to your place, he should want more of that new relationship intimacy, not make a public date with you. 3
Alpacalia Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 In the two months that you have been together, how many times have you seen each other? 1
dramafreezone Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I don't think there is anything wrong in what OP is expecting from her new boyfriend. She feels needy but it's only generated by her bf's lack of consistency. Her gut feeling is telling her something is off and she should listen to that little voice. OP this man is not 100% on board with you. I can't wrap my mind around the fact he will have 'coffee' with you today! Last time you were together you were intimate and the best he can do on your following date is take you out for coffee?? Something is off. This man should be inviting you over (no son today) or he should head to your place, he should want more of that new relationship intimacy, not make a public date with you. Well, she admitted that her anxiety stems from her prior relationship. This guy has nothing to do with that guy, so it's her bringing baggage from that relationship to this one. She did say in her third post on the front page that she wants him to call her at least once a day. She's getting angry because this guy is having dinner with his mother. It seems like she wants this guy to make her the center of his attention. If she wants a guy that will call her all day and make her his number one priority that shouldn't be too hard to find. There are plenty of guys like that. 1
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Well, she admitted that her anxiety stems from her prior relationship. This guy has nothing to do with that guy, so it's her bringing baggage from that relationship to this one. She did say in her third post on the front page that she wants him to call her at least once a day. She's getting angry because this guy is having dinner with his mother. It seems like she wants this guy to make her the center of his attention. If she wants a guy that will call her all day and make her his number one priority that shouldn't be too hard to find. There are plenty of guys like that. She said she wants a communication at least once a day, that's 100% reasonnable. In your 2nd paragraph you says she wants a guy to call her all day.....no ** once a day**. Let's stick with the facts. 1
dramafreezone Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: She said she wants a communication at least once a day, that's 100% reasonnable. In your 2nd paragraph you says she wants a guy to call her all day.....no ** once a day**. Let's stick with the facts. "I really would just like to hear from him once a day (him initiating convo)". That's her direct quote. And I said if that's what she wants, for a guy to call her once a day, then there are plenty of guys available that will do that. I don't think it will change much unless she resolves her own insecurities though. That guy in her prior relationship has nothing to do with this guy.
FMW Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I don't think there is anything wrong in what OP is expecting from her new boyfriend. I don't think anyone is saying she's wrong to want it - just that it's clear he's not a guy that's going to give it to her. She can't change him. She doesn't have to accept it, she can stop seeing him. OP if you can, just focus on being in the moment and enjoying your time with him tonight. Don't jump ahead, take things as they come without having expectations of what he SHOULD be doing next. If that's uncomfortable for you or makes you unhappy, don't see him anymore. Communication needs are a very important point of compatibility. Turn your attention to meeting someone else that won't make you feel what you're feeling now, this one's is probably just not the guy for you.
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 23 minutes ago, FMW said: ..She doesn't have to accept it, she can stop seeing him. She should not accept it and move on. This is not only about him having a different communication style. How would you feel if after being intimate with a new boyfriend he comes up with an invitation for coffee on the following date? Totally unacceptable in my eyes, this guy is back tracking. Also, in her first part she mentioned that he got upset and told her he doesn't think he can give her the consistency she wants....then invites her for a coffee on a night he has little time after a family dinner? I wouldn't be surprised he breaks up with her tonight. The guy could have offered to spend the evening with her on any other night he's free.
basil67 Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 It's completely reasonable to want daily contact with a partner. And it's completely reasonable for them to reach out to you (without being asked to do so) at least 50% of the time. Looks to me like this guy wants you when it's convenient and forgets you when it's not. I also wonder if you're being too quick to blame yourself or your history for wanting regular contact. 1 1
spiderowl Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 He has a young child who will naturally soak up a lot of his time. However, if he was really keen on you, he would be initiating messages with you. He would be doing some planning. It is demanding with a child, plans do tend to go out of the window, but he is making plans with his mum but not firming up plans with you. He is putting all his family first. That's the way it is likely to be with him. It doesn't sound as if he's ready for a relationship, more a casual encounter once in a while. I think if you are looking for a relationship, you need someone else.
Wiseman2 Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 11 hours ago, jess060191 said: I am not happy with our situation right now. I am turned off and discouraged. I need a little bit more consistency from him (which i've asked already in the past). Sorry this is happening. He doesn't seem free and clear to date the way you would like. 8 weeks is enough time to observe all these incompatibilities. Perhaps that he's a single dad, perhaps he's talking to his ex all the time, perhaps he just wants this to be more casual. In any event, talking hasn't helped so reiterating it is an exercise in futility. Step way back from this. No texting all the time, no asking him out no pushing this forward this much. That will give you a better read on this as well as getting things into perspective about these incompatibilities and frustrations .
Blind-Sided Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 17 hours ago, jess060191 said: .....he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want. (He does have a son, and when he is with him he barely reaches out to me, I know and would never get in the way of his time with his son, but i also believe it takes 2 seconds to send a text, idk maybe i am wrong about this?) ...... You are overly needy. You are going to scare this guy away. I'm a txt'er... but it doesn't mean I see every one that comes in... and that's partly because I'm not a 14 year old girl. I don't check my phone every 20 seconds because it's rude while around other people. Worrying about things because of ex's is a BS excuse. We all have ex's, and we have all been hurt. You have to get over yourself before you destroy something good. 2
Saracena Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 18 hours ago, jess060191 said: I really would just like to hear from him once a day (him initiating convo) and see him once a week... i mean i don't think i am asking for much? Idk what I should do at this point. I really like him and want it to work out. And yes i have hobbies and a life lol. Thanks for asking. How often do you see him then? A few times a month? All this sounds very casual (on his side) to me. Another thing if you're doing all the initiating then you're not giving him much of an opportunity to step up. Not saying he'd necessarily have done this but something to remember for next time.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: You are overly needy. You are going to scare this guy away. But you have to look beyond that. She said he's not even seeing her once a week. Her neediness comes from her inner alarm, not from past relationships. Wanting to see your new boyfriend once a week is not being needy! It's pretty 'normal' to me. Actually after 2 months dating I would expect much more than once a week. That being said she cannot scare this guy away, he's not even there for her to start with. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 (edited) Yeah I don't disagree that wanting to hear from your boyfriend once a day when you've been bf/gf is unreasonable. I am more referring to her thinking process going on behind the scenes and her own characterization that she "gets upset". One can imagine that she is probably upset even when he reaches out that one time a day and she is fretting with the length of time it takes him to respond, ie "it takes 2 seconds to send a text". Clearly they aren't on the same page with the way they demonstrate their interest. By her own admission, hers comes from baggage and insecurity (she might have not phrased it like that but let's call it what it is) and baggage she thinks HE needs to work through and hang in there for a time without claiming the responsibility for dealing with it is on HER. I truthfully think they are probably going to be incompatible if she can't manage this. She might want to date guys without kids and who makes themselves considerably more accessible to her. My main point is if she is looking for him to do things to make HER problem go away, she's going about her problem wrongly. Also I have a feeling, it won't "be enough" if what is going on in her head are as she described. 21 hours ago, jess060191 said: So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset. I know to some people that might sound ridiculous but this is just how it is with me at the moment and I hope with time I can get over this. When I explained this to him, he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want. (He does have a son, and when he is with him he barely reaches out to me, I know and would never get in the way of his time with his son, but i also believe it takes 2 seconds to send a text, idk maybe i am wrong about this?) Edited January 12, 2021 by Versacehottie
Versacehottie Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 18 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Maybe not, but what I found to be a red flag is that she thinks he should be initiating it every time. If he were to ask her the question, "Why is it important to you that I call you 1 or more times a day," her answer would be because I have anxiety due to what's happened to me in past relationships. That tells you what the problem is. It's not him, it's her issue. It's not his job to have to constantly put bandaids on her issue. She needs to fix them. Yeah, this^^^^^ Well said!
Versacehottie Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 18 hours ago, Gaeta said: I don't think there is anything wrong in what OP is expecting from her new boyfriend. She feels needy but it's only generated by her bf's lack of consistency. Her gut feeling is telling her something is off and she should listen to that little voice. OP this man is not 100% on board with you. I can't wrap my mind around the fact he will have 'coffee' with you today! Last time you were together you were intimate and the best he can do on your following date is take you out for coffee?? Something is off. This man should be inviting you over (no son today) or he should head to your place, he should want more of that new relationship intimacy, not make a public date with you. Well yeah, I picked up on that as well. I think there are problems in the relationship & maybe she is telling us or believing it's more solid than it is. As someone said, there might not be anything to fix. From his POV, he could be on the way out. From what she's told us, i think it's possible that they might not be suitable for each other--even if he isn't on the way out. I think it's most helpful when a poster describe the thoughts going on in their head behind the B&W issue (length of time between contact and frequency) that if we feel it's greatly influenced where the relationship is at that we let her know. I wholeheartedly believe her mindset is a big part of why she is in this dilemma & perhaps WHY he is dialing it back (as it appears) instead of propelling it forward. Big part. And she wants to keep solving it through the guys she chooses having to put up with it and deal with her scars. I think it's more effectively and gives her more power of choice to deal with her scars herself and stop the insecure thinking. If she was fully secure and this guy wasn't meeting her communication schedule, she'd move on--after all it's only been 2 months, rather than hang onto him wanting to change him. What he's offering not good enough for her, keep it moving then. I'm quite sure deep down she knows she is part of the issue as her OP states but her solution is not the right way to deal with it. Change what you can in yourself which is all you can control. It still might not work and then he's not the right person for her. But her vibe is affecting THEIR vibe, for sure.
poppyfields Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 I think it's important to remember everyone moves closer to their partner at their own pace. Some faster, some slower, there is no right or wrong. Insecure people, people who lack faith and trust in their partner and themselves tend to move faster so they push. Which serves absolutely no good purpose, in fact the opposite. It will push your partner away. Early stages (first six months) are to observe. Observe your partner's style. If it does not match yours and you find yourself feeling anxious and insecure, then leave. It really is that easy. We can't mold people into what we need them to be to alleviate our own anxieties, that's just so wrong. My advice to OP. Try to relax. Say nothing and give it more time. Continue observing. Enjoy the process of learning about each other, getting to know your respective styles. If you find yourself feeling more anxious than happy, then wish him well and leave. Agsin, it really is that easy.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: And she wants to keep solving it through the guys she chooses having to put up with it and deal with her scars. She should embrace her scars and let them warn her when something is off. What he's doing is not representative of a man that has their relationship at heart. If I dump the next man I date for being protective of his phone is that insecurities from my scars? or my scars warning me something is off? OP should listen to her scars waring her, not try to shut down that little voice. Edited January 12, 2021 by Gaeta 1
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