The guy I am dating.

[jess060191]

Hi everyone... haven't posted in here in awhile. Might be long, so bare with me...

Amidst all this craziness in the world, I met someone new unexpectedly. We have been dating for 2 months and I like him a lot and hope/think he feels the same way. However, within the 2 months we have hit some bumps.

My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me. I have told him this multiple of times. So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset. I know to some people that might sound ridiculous but this is just how it is with me at the moment and I hope with time I can get over this. When I explained this to him, he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want.  (He does have a son, and when he is with him he barely reaches out to me, I know and would never get in the way of his time with his son, but i also believe it takes 2 seconds to send a text, idk maybe i am wrong about this?) 

We had sex for the 1st time over a week ago, and we haven't seen each other since. He did apologize and said its cause he has been sick and wants to be on the safe side.  However on Friday, he asked me if we could see each other on Monday (today) , which I agreed to. We did not make any set in stone plans and he didn't mention it again this whole weekend. He only reached out to me once this weekend (but he had his son this weekend, so I let it go). Today, no word from him, I had to text him first to confirm plans. And he confirmed them and asked what should we do?  I mentioned dinner, and he said he had dinner plans with his mom. So we are meeting up for coffee to catch up. I am kind of turned off, cause why wouldn't he try to make dinner plans with me? 

I am not happy with our situation right now. I am turned off and discouraged. I need a little bit more consistency from him (which i've asked already in the past). I am not sure if I should bring it up this evening or let the evening play out. But honestly, I am ready to either have this be over between us or have things get better. Because I know I can't be doing this everyday.

Any insight/advice will be appreciated.

Thank you,

-Jess

 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me. I have told him this multiple of times. So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset

Pretty much anyone who had dated had past baggage from their relationships so honestly this isn't an excuse to make this his problem. He's probably been left with scars as well from his relationship with his child's mother.  It sounds like a compatibility issue.  You need more attention than he can give or is willing to give you.  His child is a perfect excuse.  It is bit telling that he has pulled back and not showing much effort after sex. If he doesn't start acting more interested I would let this one go.

[peach302]

36 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

Hi everyone... haven't posted in here in awhile. Might be long, so bare with me...

Amidst all this craziness in the world, I met someone new unexpectedly. We have been dating for 2 months and I like him a lot and hope/think he feels the same way. However, within the 2 months we have hit some bumps.

My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me. I have told him this multiple of times. So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset. I know to some people that might sound ridiculous but this is just how it is with me at the moment and I hope with time I can get over this. When I explained this to him, he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want.  (He does have a son, and when he is with him he barely reaches out to me, I know and would never get in the way of his time with his son, but i also believe it takes 2 seconds to send a text, idk maybe i am wrong about this?) 

We had sex for the 1st time over a week ago, and we haven't seen each other since. He did apologize and said its cause he has been sick and wants to be on the safe side.  However on Friday, he asked me if we could see each other on Monday (today) , which I agreed to. We did not make any set in stone plans and he didn't mention it again this whole weekend. He only reached out to me once this weekend (but he had his son this weekend, so I let it go). Today, no word from him, I had to text him first to confirm plans. And he confirmed them and asked what should we do?  I mentioned dinner, and he said he had dinner plans with his mom. So we are meeting up for coffee to catch up. I am kind of turned off, cause why wouldn't he try to make dinner plans with me? 

I am not happy with our situation right now. I am turned off and discouraged. I need a little bit more consistency from him (which i've asked already in the past). I am not sure if I should bring it up this evening or let the evening play out. But honestly, I am ready to either have this be over between us or have things get better. Because I know I can't be doing this everyday.

Any insight/advice will be appreciated.

Thank you,

-Jess

 

Talk it through with him once more and if things dont improve..probably best to go your separate ways. 

Also maybe for you its best to date someone who has no kids. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me. I have told him this multiple of times. So when he goes moments of not texting me or reaching out to me I get upset. I know to some people that might sound ridiculous but this is just how it is with me at the moment and I hope with time I can get over this. When I explained this to him, he got really upset and said that he doesn't think he is giving me enough attention that I want. 

Can you define "moments"? Are we talking a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days?

And when you get upset, what do you say or do?

[Ruby Slippers]

I get the impression you're not going to do well dating a single father with a young child. It's very unlikely he'll be able to make you a priority and give you the amount of attention you want. This is already clear just a couple of months in.

[JRabbit]

I understand its important to be open and honest, but 2 months seems early to me to be demanding about how much reassurance/texting you need.  Remember, anxiety over these things are your issue, not his.   Why is it his job to put you at ease? It isn't.  It is your job to learn how to handle and deal with your insecurity and anxiety.

This is fairly needy, especially since you mentioned he is raising his kid.  2 months is still fairly new.  Are you wanting texts all day? Every day? Once a week? How reasonable is what you are asking?  Do you have hobbies or interests that keep you busy between chats?

 

 

[jess060191]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Can you define "moments"? Are we talking a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days?

And when you get upset, what do you say or do?

Few hours to a day. And that is because I reach out to him. I understand I sound needy and it is my issue not his. But I feel like if he liked me enough he would understand? 

 

When I get upset, i call my girlfriends and complain lol. 

[jess060191]

I really would just like to hear from him once a day (him initiating convo) and see him once a week... i mean i don't think i am asking for much? Idk what I should do at this point. I really like him and want it to work out. 

 

And yes i have hobbies and a life lol. Thanks for asking. 

[jess060191]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I get the impression you're not going to do well dating a single father with a young child. It's very unlikely he'll be able to make you a priority and give you the amount of attention you want. This is already clear just a couple of months in.

Ironically my longest relationship was with a man who had a child. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, jess060191 said:

Few hours to a day. And that is because I reach out to him. I understand I sound needy and it is my issue not his. But I feel like if he liked me enough he would understand? 

When I get upset, i call my girlfriends and complain lol. 

A few hours is nothing, for some of us. However, I realize that for others, it's a lot.

I just happen to fall into the former category, and apparently your guy does too. (I'm a woman) It sounds like you two might not be very compatible overall. Your expectations and pacing seem quite different. 

Do you get upset with him? You say you've mentioned this to him before and he's actually said he doesn't know if he can give you the attention you'd like. What prompted that conversation? 

[jess060191]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A few hours is nothing, for some of us. However, I realize that for others, it's a lot.

I just happen to fall into the former category, and apparently your guy does too. (I'm a woman) It sounds like you two might not be very compatible overall. Your expectations and pacing seem quite different. 

Do you get upset with him? You say you've mentioned this to him before and he's actually said he doesn't know if he can give you the attention you'd like. What prompted that conversation? 

I mentioned it to him a couple of weeks ago and I was not angry towards him, but I did voice my concerns. He was not happy with me because he feels like he can't give me the attention that I want. I have not mentioned to him again since then. 

[JRabbit]

11 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

But I feel like if he liked me enough he would understand?

You have your answer here.

You can not "make" anyone have interest, or make them be more into texting.  You have to decide whether you can handle the less than ideal texting or not.  Asking someone to change you just met does not bode well for the future.

[Gaeta]

How old is his child? How often he gets him/her?

[JRabbit]

10 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

And yes i have hobbies and a life lol. Thanks for asking. 

If you decide to keep trying, then I suggest focusing on these things when you get upset you haven't heard from him.

[FMW]

You've already talked about this though, right? If he was willing and able to meet your needs he would be putting in a bigger effort.  Talking to him again will probably make it less likely he'll meet your needs, not more.  I'm a woman, but I wouldn't react positively to someone having a repeated conversation with me about my lack of acceptable communication.    

You need to find a guy that wants to be in touch as much as you do, someone for whom it comes naturally.  You can't force and he can't fake something that's not authentic to him.  

 

[jess060191]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How old is his child? How often he gets him/her?

9. Every other weekend and Thursday nights 

[jess060191]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

You've already talked about this though, right? If he was willing and able to meet your needs he would be putting in a bigger effort.  Talking to him again will probably make it less likely he'll meet your needs, not more.  I'm a woman, but I wouldn't react positively to someone having a repeated conversation with me about my lack of acceptable communication.    

You need to find a guy that wants to be in touch as much as you do, someone for whom it comes naturally.  You can't force and he can't fake something that's not authentic to him.  

 

You’re so right... it’s just a bummer because I truly do like him overall. I don’t want it to be over but I can’t be living like this everyday wondering if and when I’ll hear from him or see him. I’m not sure what to say to him tonight or if I should say anything at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

I mentioned it to him a couple of weeks ago and I was not angry towards him, but I did voice my concerns. He was not happy with me because he feels like he can't give me the attention that I want. I have not mentioned to him again since then. 

Maybe he's right, though. 

Neither of you is necessarily wrong in your views on frequency of communication, but you're very different from each other in that respect. Perhaps he's reconsidering whether he should proceed, simply because your expectations and his don't match. 

 

[jess060191]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe he's right, though. 

Neither of you is necessarily wrong in your views on frequency of communication, but you're very different from each other in that respect. Perhaps he's reconsidering whether he should proceed, simply because your expectations and his don't match. 

 

Maybe... I’m curious to see how tonight goes. 

[dramafreezone]

20 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

Few hours to a day. And that is because I reach out to him. I understand I sound needy and it is my issue not his. But I feel like if he liked me enough he would understand? 

 

When I get upset, i call my girlfriends and complain lol. 

So if he doesn't call you every day you get upset?  That is your issue, not his.

What do you have going on in your life besides him?

[jess060191]

Just now, dramafreezone said:

So if he doesn't call you every day you get upset?  That is your issue, not his.

What do you have going on in your life besides him?

Well with covid I’ve become much of a homebody. But I work full time and have been trying to get back to a healthy workout/diet routine. A lot of Netflix watching too. 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

9. Every other weekend and Thursday nights 

So the weekends he doesn't have his son is he more attentive or he's overall bad with communication whether he has his son or not?

Personally I think he's not 'that into you' unfortunately. A 9 year old son does  not  need to be bathed, fed, changed diapers. At that age parents don't  need to entertain them 24/7, they watch movies, play video games, play with their constructions logos etc. They also go to bed pretty early! so your boyfriend has no excuse to not call you or text you after the kid is in bed. A man that is interested acts interested. At 2 months dating you're suppose to be in your honeymoon phase. Also, what is this about catching a coffee together??? You've dated 2 months, you've been intimate and he can't drop by your place?

Edited January 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[dramafreezone]

13 minutes ago, jess060191 said:

Well with covid I’ve become much of a homebody. But I work full time and have been trying to get back to a healthy workout/diet routine. A lot of Netflix watching too. 

So you didn't go into details but I'm assuming the anxiety that was caused from previous relationship is because the guy was seeing other women.  If so, these are trust issues.

Why is it important to you that *he* initiate the contact? 

I don't think any guy will be able to satisfy this constant need for validation.  This is something you have to work out on your own to not need it so much.  I would recommend talking to a relationship expert or someone qualified to give you guidance on how to manage this anxiety in a healthy way.  I don't think anything he or any other guy does will ever be enough to make you feel secure.

Edited January 11, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, jess060191 said:

My past relationships have left me some "scars" which now leaves antsy and with anxiety, communication is very important to me.

We all have scars and thank god for that, our scars become our inner alarms when something feels off. Don't be so quick to dismiss your inner little voices. If you ignore those alarms then all the pain from the past will have served to nothing because that pain is suppose to have taught you something. 

 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, jess060191 said:

You’re so right... it’s just a bummer because I truly do like him overall. I don’t want it to be over but I can’t be living like this everyday wondering if and when I’ll hear from him or see him. I’m not sure what to say to him tonight or if I should say anything at all.

hmm, wouldn't it be more helpful to you to resolve your issue about needing an unreasonable amount of contact, rather than to throw a good guy away? 

Also I think you said "if he liked me enough, he would...." xyz (in your case you were talking about being in contact).  These are the sorts of fallacies/flawed thinking that get you into this mess and have you being insecure about your relationships.   You should start with fixing your thought process about that thought.