Henry_shalom Posted January 10, 2021 Posted January 10, 2021 (edited) I have been single for almost a year now. My last relationship ended back in January, 2020. And all throughout this period, I never dated anyone, although I did meet a couple of ladies who showed interest, but I never really paid attention, because I was juggling through a lot. On the 26th of December, 2020, I met someone at a bar, while I was with couple of old friends of mine back in high school. And a brief bio: I'm 26 year old. I'm highly introverted and somewhat anti-social, and so if you don't talk to me, i won't talk to you. And in this case, walking up to a stranger, especially a lady and introducing myself is kind of a big deal. So I encouraged myself and walked up to this lady, while she was in the midst of her friends and introduced myself and exchanged phone contacts with her. I'd have to admit, it was nerve wrecking. The next day, I called her and asked her out on a date. It didn't go too badly, although I struggled most of the time to get her talking, to keep that conversation flowing. Subsequent weekend was pretty much the same. I've spent enough time with her almost on a daily basis this past week, and deep down, I've gotten to like her a whole lot. I've told her how I feel about her, and she told me she feels the same too, although she has reservations, which I totally understand. I'm 26 and she just turned 21. My problem is I feel we're no match for each other. Perhaps I'm wrong, and hence the reason for this post. But based on the conversations we've had, I feel we are not intellectual equals. I'm a college graduate and she's a high school graduate. And I'm someone who reads a lot. I can't let any minute go by without opening a book and actually reading something, be it on my commute to work or even when I'm standing on a queue. My circle of friends are usually people that are smarter than I am; peope that challenge my existing beliefs and stimulate me intellectually. My ex is one of those. And i learnt quite a lot from her. My conversations with this lady hasn't gotten past that shallow stage, although I doubt if it will get to that. We don't interact on a deeper level, and most times when I ask her questions, she wouldn't know what to say. I've tried my best to get her to talk about herself on a deeper level, and she doesn't know what to say, and instead she'll drop little tidbits here and there. Ask me questions then, but she wouldn't know what to ask. I've asked her if there's a reason she doesn't like talking about herself, and she'll respond saying there's nothing to say. On top of that, we don't share similar interest. To say the very least, we don't appreciate the same pop culture entertainment. We went to the cinema today to see a movie, and thereafter we went to that same bar where we met to chill. I tried to get her to talk, but all she did was twist her body to the rhythm of the songs that were blasting through the speakers. So I did my own thing instead...reading. She cut my time there short by telling me she wants to go home, since she's living with her mother who doesn't tolerate late nights. I wanted to get her a ride home, but she insisted I ride along with her and even made an issue out of it. I got pissed. I walked her home and started reflecting on whether or not I should let her go and I'm finding it extremely hard to make a decision. How do I handle this? Edited January 10, 2021 by Henry_shalom Typographical error
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2021 Posted January 10, 2021 Let her go. She's 21 of course she has nothing deep to say. Aim at women your age or older. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 Ok, see how it goes. You really didn't approach her in a bar for intellectual conversation, no? It seems like you are not over your ex. It also seems like she's way to young for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 I don't think there's anything weird about a 26-year-old guy dating a 21-year-old woman. And not all 21-year-old women are the same. I've always been brainy, love deep conversation, even when I was a teenager. It sounds like you're not match. My first boyfriend in high school was super hot, but didn't have a whole lot of depth. We dated for a while, but then I decided to move on because it was just intellectually unfulfilling - I couldn't really talk to him about anything of substance. If you're already feeling this after a few dates, I don't see any reason to continue. 1
ShyViolet Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 On 1/10/2021 at 4:38 PM, Henry_shalom said: My problem is I feel we're no match for each other. Perhaps I'm wrong, and hence the reason for this post. But based on the conversations we've had, I feel we are not intellectual equals. My conversations with this lady hasn't gotten past that shallow stage, although I doubt if it will get to that. We don't interact on a deeper level, and most times when I ask her questions, she wouldn't know what to say. I've tried my best to get her to talk about herself on a deeper level, and she doesn't know what to say, and instead she'll drop little tidbits here and there. Ask me questions then, but she wouldn't know what to ask. I've asked her if there's a reason she doesn't like talking about herself, and she'll respond saying there's nothing to say. On top of that, we don't share similar interest. To say the very least, we don't appreciate the same pop culture entertainment. Oh hell no. This sounds awful. Someone who can't hold an intelligent conversation is a complete deal-breaker. That is my absolute #1 biggest turn-off. You can do better than this..... walk away. 2
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2021 Posted January 13, 2021 (edited) She wanted you to groove along with her to the music and interact with her on a physical unspoken level and all you did was your own thing and read? Zowie, I'm surprised she didn't go chat up the bartender. Cut her loose you have nothing in common...like zero. My advice: dude there is more to life than just "intellectually" stimulating conversation. I'm just saying, if you want to be challenged, you need to try new things, like being stimulated by sights and sounds, by music and movement, eye contact, body language, etc. That will help with "connection" and when you connect the conversation will flow..."intellectual" conversation can be of other content than what you are used to...open your mind up a little more. Edited January 13, 2021 by smackie9 2
FMW Posted January 13, 2021 Posted January 13, 2021 I get introversion and the need for stimulating conversation. But what you've written about her comes off rather arrogant and uptight. You say you've "gotten to like her a whole lot", yet everything else you write is basically saying she's not up to your standards. Why exactly do you like her? Why are you even bothering to think twice about continuing to see her? Maybe she needs time to get to know you to feel comfortable opening up and telling you "deep" things about herself. Maybe she needs to be relaxed and have a level of comfort with you on a casual level (doing more fun and "shallow" things) before launching into deep conversations about things that might be controversial or just too revealing about how she thinks and sees the world. Or - maybe she's just not that bright or deep, in which case, again - why are you even giving her a second thought? If music was "blasting" through the speakers at the bar, that's not exactly a great environment to inspire conversations. Moving to the beat of the music seems like a normal response to being in a bar - not reading. And getting pissed that she wanted you to see her home personally instead of "getting her a ride" isn't commendable. I think you two are probably not compatible. Next time you see someone as beneath your standards, do you both a favor and just move along. 1
Author Henry_shalom Posted January 14, 2021 Author Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) On 1/13/2021 at 5:35 PM, FMW said: Maybe she needs time to get to know you to feel comfortable opening up and telling you "deep" things about herself. Maybe she needs to be relaxed and have a level of comfort with you on a casual level (doing more fun and "shallow" things) before launching into deep conversations about things that might be controversial or just too revealing about how she thinks and sees the world. My thoughts exactly. Perhaps I'm misreading the situation. Edited January 14, 2021 by Henry_shalom
Author Henry_shalom Posted January 14, 2021 Author Posted January 14, 2021 On 1/13/2021 at 5:35 PM, FMW said: Why exactly do you like her? Why are you even bothering to think twice about continuing to see her? Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know why I feel this way or why I'm even giving it second thoughts. I'm not indecisive when it comes to dealing with problems like this. But this is a strange situation for me here. I felt this instant spark with her and still do, but my head's not into it.
smackie9 Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 (edited) How about stop analyzing everything, let your hair down and just go with the flow. You don't have to sign up for a serious relationship if you don't want to, but still can go out on dates, have some sex...have fun and all that good stuff. Edited January 14, 2021 by smackie9 1
cleverusername Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 What do you do for fun besides reading?
dramafreezone Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 4 hours ago, Henry_shalom said: Honestly, I have no idea. I don't know why I feel this way or why I'm even giving it second thoughts. I'm not indecisive when it comes to dealing with problems like this. But this is a strange situation for me here. I felt this instant spark with her and still do, but my head's not into it. You're sexually attracted to her right? That's what you mean when you say you like her. Dates are not for talking about deep, serious subjects in the first place, so don't know what that would be much of an issue right now. Ask her about herself, what she likes to do, her favorite vacation spots, TV shows. Keep it light. Tease her a bit. No one wants to talk about who the next Supreme Court justice will be or her feelings on aparthied on a date. 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 It sounds like you are attracted to her looks but not her personality. You need somebody else, somebody you like on the inside too. 3
Author Henry_shalom Posted January 16, 2021 Author Posted January 16, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 10:07 PM, cleverusername said: What do you do for fun besides reading? Binge watch TV shows in my living room or play video games
Author Henry_shalom Posted January 16, 2021 Author Posted January 16, 2021 On 1/15/2021 at 12:23 AM, dramafreezone said: You're sexually attracted to her right? That's what you mean when you say you like her. Dates are not for talking about deep, serious subjects in the first place, so don't know what that would be much of an issue right now. Ask her about herself, what she likes to do, her favorite vacation spots, TV shows. Keep it light. Tease her a bit. No one wants to talk about who the next Supreme Court justice will be or her feelings on aparthied on a date. Your views have certainly given me plenty to ponder on. Appreciate your insight. Thank you!
Author Henry_shalom Posted January 16, 2021 Author Posted January 16, 2021 On 1/14/2021 at 9:13 PM, smackie9 said: How about stop analyzing everything, let your hair down and just go with the flow. You don't have to sign up for a serious relationship if you don't want to, but still can go out on dates, have some sex...have fun and all that good stuff. Okay. Thanks for sharing your views. Appreciate that.
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 (edited) Here's the thing that could benefit you. She might really enjoy binge watching movies too but not gaming...that's ok because it's good to have a life and an interest outside of the relationship to go do your own thing. Also you can expand your horizons/get you out of your comfort zone and enjoy an interest she has, and vice versa. This can be really rewarding and fun. Edited January 16, 2021 by smackie9 1
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