What AP of 10 years says to me when he thinks he's dying

[Birdies]

Ew, this guy is SUCH an a-hole!  Block his as$ so you can find someone who treats you with respect.

[Savannah2]

I feel like I want to leave this relationship with him because I can’t bear to think that he will always think of this relationship with me as something he carries with shame.Maybe if he loved me he wouldn’t feel that way about it but he doesn’t love me. 

[jah526]

Not sure if this is the case here but I think some people get addicted to the challenge of trying to get the love of someone who is emotionally unavailable. It’s like the ultimate sword in the stone. It probably has much to do with that person’s family of origin. It’s a futile attempt to heal old wounds. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Savannah2 said:

I feel like I want to leave this relationship with him because I can’t bear to think that he will always think of this relationship with me as something he carries with shame.

Be prepared for his guilty conscience to lift if he recovers from the virus. He may well want to celebrate the joy of life! A married man who carries on a workplace affair for ten years doesn’t know guilt, his only shame would be being caught. That’s what he was most worried about when he told you to hide all the evidence - it would be a darn shame if his wife ever learned the truth about her husband.

Edited January 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[Beentheretoooften]

On 1/10/2021 at 4:51 PM, Xerad said:

Wow. So ten years of free sex for him? Sad.

Free sex for her too!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/10/2021 at 1:48 PM, Savannah2 said:

When I called him out on it he said well I don’t want to die a cheater. 

😳 My eyes got so big when I read this. Wow, he takes no responsibility for himself.

Ten years of being in last place and this is what you get from him. Don't waste another minute.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/10/2021 at 7:25 PM, Savannah2 said:

I’m not gonna tell her I can’t do that to him 

😳🤦🤢😞👎

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's amazing that he tried to make  cheating look like some cool trendy group love situation.

Clever catch! 💡

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Free sex for her too!

At the cost of her self esteem and self worth. And dare I say it, the ability to seek a partner with whom she could truly share find happiness and share her life...

Edited January 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[trident_2020]

6 hours ago, S2B said:

Yes, I agree - but also - the OP is an accomplice. She helps him cheat on his wife.

for the part she plays... she is responsible. She’s also responsible for betraying herself for settling for so little from this jerk.

I wish the betrayed wife knew what’s real - she definitely deserves better!

I was referring to the Op. Of course the cheating husband is even worse but this is about her. 
 

Yes she’s wasting her time with this loser when she could have met a great guy with whom she could actually share her life with rather than being an occasional visitor.

Edited January 12, 2021 by trident_2020

[Amethyst68]

Everyone posting here is posting like the MM is taking advantage of Savannah. I'm sorry I simply don't see it like that. This is a  10 year affair, not with a colleague but with a family friend who she happens to work with and the workplace was their safe place when they were both married.

In recent posts Savannah avoids all mention of the friendship part of their relationship but see the quote below from one of her earlier threads. 

Quote

MM and I have broken up after a 6 year work place affair. Here’s the kicker though... our families are all very close, kids are best friends, all of our social activities involve his family. What do I do? My husband always kind of suspected something going on but never confronted him only me. I denied it. Anyways.. I feel like we really need to start fresh and disassociate with his family. How do I do that? Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc.. it’s a mess.

Putting all blame on MM takes away any autonomy, power or choice from Savannah. 

The only people I feel sorry for are the wife and the children involved. The innocents who will be destroyed when this will get out one day. 

 

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Putting all blame on MM takes away any autonomy, power or choice from Savannah. 

The only people I feel sorry for are the wife and the children involved. The innocents who will be destroyed when this will get out one day. 

 

Me too, and I said as much. @Savannahhas no regard for his wife at home. Her attitude seems to be "he doesn't care about her so why should I".

 

[Beentheretoooften]

18 hours ago, S2B said:

Yes, I agree - but also - the OP is an accomplice. She helps him cheat on his wife.

for the part she plays... she is responsible. She’s also responsible for betraying herself for settling for so little from this jerk.

I wish the betrayed wife knew what’s real - she definitely deserves better!

The betrayed wife likely wouldn’t care. They all take back the mm’s anyway. Add to it that mm doesn’t even care one bit about this girl, if caught, I’m sure in this case there would not be any repercussions.  He wouldn’t even have to lie to BS and say she didn’t mean anything to me.   

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

The betrayed wife likely wouldn’t care. They all take back the mm’s anyway. Add to it that mm doesn’t even care one bit about this girl, if caught, I’m sure in this case there would not be any repercussions.  He wouldn’t even have to lie to BS and say she didn’t mean anything to me.   

How would you know? Maybe the BS will take him back, does that mean that she doesn't care? Does that mean there are not any repercussions? 

I tried to save my marriage after my husband's (now ex) affair. On the outside to anyone who didn't know us, sure, it may have felt like there were no consequences. What they didn't see is the daily fighting, questioning, etc until 4am. His OW probably thought I didn't care that he cheated. What she didn't see was the drop in 20 lbs from vomiting anytime a thought about his affair or her popped in my mind. She didn't see me not get out of bed for 2 months. She didn't see how everytime the phone rang/vibrate/etc I would be sent into a panic attack. She didn't understand the sheer panic I felt when he was out of my sight. 

I tried to save my marriage because that is what that commitment is about. I tried all I could to move past his affair. In the end, I couldn't. I couldn't get past it. I couldn't forgive him. I divorced HIM. In the time before my divorce, if the world just peeked at the public part of my life, maybe they would have come to the ignorant conclusion that I didn't care or there were no repercussions. Prior to my decision to divorce, life was hell in our home. For both of us. 

[trident_2020]

40 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

His OW probably thought I didn't care that he cheated. What she didn't see was the drop in 20 lbs from vomiting anytime a thought about his affair or her popped in my mind. She didn't see me not get out of bed for 2 months. She didn't see how everytime the phone rang/vibrate/etc I would be sent into a panic attack. She didn't understand the sheer panic I felt when he was out of my sight.

This is what I was trying to say. @Savanah has no clue what the betrayed wife is going through at her expense, and given that her MM is trying to keep the entire affair a secret and go to his grave with it if necessary seems to indicate that his wife wouldn't be too happy about it.

 

[Starswillshine]

13 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

This is what I was trying to say. @Savanah has no clue what the betrayed wife is going through at her expense, and given that her MM is trying to keep the entire affair a secret and go to his grave with it if necessary seems to indicate that his wife wouldn't be too happy about it.

 

Sort of like when the MM describe their wives as an overly jealous woman while he is indeed in an affair. 

I went through my ex-husband's emails after finding out about his affair. He had sent one of his hook-ups an email that said, "what's your personal cell again, your # has been deleted, one guess by who." He was referring to me. He talked so much crap about me being a jealous wife. Btw, I didnt delete the number. I didnt even know anything about this chick. I didnt go through his phone. Besides that point, im not going to delete anyone's number. Im not the type who is going to put bumper lanes so my husband can focus on me. No, thanks. 

But anyway.... yeah, I voiced my opinion that his relationship with some women were quite uncomfortable. He deemed I was jealous. He was screwing every single one of them. Doh!

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

What they didn't see is the daily fighting, questioning, etc until 4am. His OW probably thought I didn't care that he cheated. What she didn't see was the drop in 20 lbs from vomiting anytime a thought about his affair or her popped in my mind. She didn't see me not get out of bed for 2 months. She didn't see how everytime the phone rang/vibrate/etc I would be sent into a panic attack. She didn't understand the sheer panic I felt when he was out of my sight.

This is a fair point. However, to give some balance, there ARE people who essentially shrug off cheating and/or relatively easily reconcile or walk away. There are also people who get emotionally traumatized by separation or divorce without any cheating involved. I suspect that some significant level of distress is typical, but there are going to be degrees of it and substantial variation.

Apologies if this seems to be minimizing your personal pain, it's just that since there's variance in how people are "wired" emotionally, and other "separation" situations are also substantially traumatic, I think it important to keep that in mind when assessing/discussing these things.

[Starswillshine]

23 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

This is a fair point. However, to give some balance, there ARE people who essentially shrug off cheating and/or relatively easily reconcile or walk away. There are also people who get emotionally traumatized by separation or divorce without any cheating involved. I suspect that some significant level of distress is typical, but there are going to be degrees of it and substantial variation.

Apologies if this seems to be minimizing your personal pain, it's just that since there's variance in how people are "wired" emotionally, and other "separation" situations are also substantially traumatic, I think it important to keep that in mind when assessing/discussing these things.

That is not the point. Unless you are the BS or heard it directly from the BS's mouth that she/he does not care is not hurt, then you have no idea how it is affecting them. 

Your reminder that you believe sometimes that an affair is justified and/or better than a divorce has been noted. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. I was pointing out the same thing you are - just as we can't assume she'd shrug it off, we can't assume she'd be in extreme distress either.

"Justified" is a very subjective concept. In this thread at least, I'm really just pointing out that divorce can sometimes ALSO be traumatic for folks.

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. I was pointing out the same thing you are - just as we can't assume she'd shrug it off, we can't assume she'd be in extreme distress either.

 

The fact that cheating husband wants to take it to the grave should be a pretty obvious clue as to how the wife would take to the news of an affair.

 

[Amethyst68]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This is a fair point. However, to give some balance, there ARE people who essentially shrug off cheating and/or relatively easily reconcile or walk away. There are also people who get emotionally traumatized by separation or divorce without any cheating involved. I suspect that some significant level of distress is typical, but there are going to be degrees of it and substantial variation.

Apologies if this seems to be minimizing your personal pain, it's just that since there's variance in how people are "wired" emotionally, and other "separation" situations are also substantially traumatic, I think it important to keep that in mind when assessing/discussing these things.

One thing I'd remind you of is that you never know what's going on behind closed doors.  What you perceive as shrugging off cheating relatively easily could be people who prefer to keep their suffering in private and not be judged for staying with a cheater. It doesn't mean their hurt is any less. Why should they have to broadcast it to prove to others they care? 

In this case it's extremely unlikely the wife won't care. In the OP's own words:

Quote

Almost every weekend we have social plans with them and vacations etc

This is not a stranger, the wife is going to be doubly betrayed by her husband and a close family friend. 

[Lorryborry]

7 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

One thing I'd remind you of is that you never know what's going on behind closed doors.  What you perceive as shrugging off cheating relatively easily could be people who prefer to keep their suffering in private and not be judged for staying with a cheater. It doesn't mean their hurt is any less. Why should they have to broadcast it to prove to others they care? 

In this case it's extremely unlikely the wife won't care. In the OP's own words:

This is not a stranger, the wife is going to be doubly betrayed by her husband and a close family friend. 

Its hurtful for the OH...of course it is .  And it's hard on the wife.  Very hard. But listen no one is perfect.   He probably really has feelings for OW but he will not want to hurt his wife and family. So it will never come to anything for the OW.  Only casual intimacy.   I think Savannah should try and move away from this and let him bond with his family and stay there when he recovers. It's not so easy to cut him out. Just let her pull away and heal. She will be fine. Good things will happen for Savannah.  I'm sure it's not 10 wasted years. It was misguided.  Her feelings took over. That makes us selfish.  Let's stop being hard on her. She knows what she needs to do. People who go off side can be good people.   It can happen to the best of us. Lets be kind to each other. Woman come here for support because they cannot go anywhere else because we can all be guilty of judgement of matters we know nothing about. Just because we have experience or are long term members does not make us Authorities.  Mind yourselves. Be safe

[Amethyst68]

Look I think there's definitely better out there for Savannah. This is a single woman who holds down a job, runs a home and raises her kids, she just needs to get out of this situation. 

The thing is these threads have been going on for the past 8 years and nothing had changed. They inevitably turn into a poor me tone and all blame is put on the MM. The truth is Savannah is an adult and made her own choices and is the only person who can change her life. 

[Lorryborry]

9 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Look I think there's definitely better out there for Savannah. This is a single woman who holds down a job, runs a home and raises her kids, she just needs to get out of this situation. 

The thing is these threads have been going on for the past 8 years and nothing had changed. They inevitably turn into a poor me tone and all blame is put on the MM. The truth is Savannah is an adult and made her own choices and is the only person who can change her life. 

Hi there. Sorry I ended up directly responding to you last time. I'm only new here since an hour ago but am thinking its probably not the best place for me to comment for fear of causing upset. I suppose my thoughts on affairs are as follows. I dont condone them. I think good people male and female can end up in one at vulnerable times when a perfect storm is presented.   When we are low.   Does not excuse it.  It explains it.  I think people can get washed away in teenage feelings. Feeling noticed. Young again. But they can be different for men. Woman tend to get hooked and carried away and lose alot more.  The married man tends to have all his wits about him. He will never screw up his home life as he wants that security.  It just lacks excitement.   The woman falls in love. The man can too but he never leaves.  Doesnt make him bad either. Just a bad bet for a woman to be involved in. And it's best to pull herself out  of it. Nevermind the 10 years. People waste 10 years in all sorts of situations and have nothing to show for it. So it's not a big thing.   Savannah and many like her will have better opportunities when they let married man stay married and dont give them any diversions.  If they want to be with wife and family then let him. No man is so fantastic.   Emotional stuff has to be parked and the other woman has got to be practical.   Life will be easier without.  I'm going to close account. Hope I helped on someway.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

The fact that cheating husband wants to take it to the grave should be a pretty obvious clue as to how the wife would take to the news of an affair.

Not necessarily, actually.