Asking for reason why she doesn't want to see me to get closure

[d0nnivain]

If she was interested, then traveled & was no longer interested when she returned, she most likely met somebody more interesting while she was away.

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

"Finally I asked if she was still interested by saying that I completely understand if she decided that she's not and if she didn't want to continue that was ok"....why would you say this?  This is not an attractive thing to say, makes it seem like you have low self-esteem, like you get blown off all the time.

 

I agree with the above that the quote above is not what you should have done.  I think often daters that approach dating as if they are shopping for something that can be negotiated on take things too literal and don't play the game, failing to create chemistry or work with any of the nuances that cause people to fall in love.

With the statement above, if she was on the fence and had any lingering feelings that just ended it IMO. While I don't at all agree with the corey wayne stuff, I think summing up your position with a question like that gives us an idea of how you might have been playing it all along: too passive and unbalanced in that you are trying to acquire the other person/have them on somewhat of a pedestal.  If you don't present yourself as someone who is EVALUATING if the other person is right for you, IMO it goes south almost every time.  To make yourself attractive to others, you can't only be trying to prove to them that you'd be good for their life--it's desperate and needy.  One of the BEST ways to actually show that to them, is to show them that you are qualifying them to be in YOUR life--it's a better vibe that shows self-worth.  Bottom line: even if you do everything right you will still not match with people.  You have to understand that a successful relationship is not JUST what you say/do on dates, nor JUST what you are as a list of traits/attributes on paper; it's also chemistry that exists and if you fit together--sometimes it just isn't there, despite doing many things right.  You need to understand this concept--it should free up your mind and thus you will be able to date better, more at ease.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I agree with the above that the quote above is not what you should have done.  I think often daters that approach dating as if they are shopping for something that can be negotiated on take things too literal and don't play the game, failing to create chemistry or work with any of the nuances that cause people to fall in love.

With the statement above, if she was on the fence and had any lingering feelings that just ended it IMO. While I don't at all agree with the corey wayne stuff, I think summing up your position with a question like that gives us an idea of how you might have been playing it all along: too passive and unbalanced in that you are trying to acquire the other person/have them on somewhat of a pedestal.  If you don't present yourself as someone who is EVALUATING if the other person is right for you, IMO it goes south almost every time.  To make yourself attractive to others, you can't only be trying to prove to them that you'd be good for their life--it's desperate and needy.  One of the BEST ways to actually show that to them, is to show them that you are qualifying them to be in YOUR life--it's a better vibe that shows self-worth.  Bottom line: even if you do everything right you will still not match with people.  You have to understand that a successful relationship is not JUST what you say/do on dates, nor JUST what you are as a list of traits/attributes on paper; it's also chemistry that exists and if you fit together--sometimes it just isn't there, despite doing many things right.  You need to understand this concept--it should free up your mind and thus you will be able to date better, more at ease.

"Bottom line: even if you do everything right you will still not match with people.  You have to understand that a successful relationship is not JUST what you say/do on dates, nor JUST what you are as a list of traits/attributes on paper; it's also chemistry that exists and if you fit together--sometimes it just isn't there, despite doing many things right" 

This is something I just didn't understand for much of my life.  I think a fundamental premise that many guys begin with is that all women can be attracted, and that's not close to the truth.  Actually, attraction is pre-set, determined by Mother Nature.  You can be the best dressed, smoothest, funniest man, and some women just aren't going to like you.  The flip side of that is that there are women out there that will be so attracted to you that you can slip on banana peels, fart, and tell corny jokes and they'll think you're the best thing ever.

That said, it sounds like this woman actually liked him and they had chemistry.  At least at first he was doing *something* that she was digging.  He just blew it with needy behavior and overpursuing.  A truth that took me a long time to accept is that women don't want it to be too easy to "get" you.  These are the ones that sting, but he can learn from it.

And Corey Wayne is just one example.  I think there's a lot of good dating experts on youtube that give sound advice.  He should find one that he likes and do some listening.  I wish youtube was around 20 years ago, would've saved me a lot of heartache.

[Versacehottie]

27 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

"Bottom line: even if you do everything right you will still not match with people.  You have to understand that a successful relationship is not JUST what you say/do on dates, nor JUST what you are as a list of traits/attributes on paper; it's also chemistry that exists and if you fit together--sometimes it just isn't there, despite doing many things right" 

This is something I just didn't understand for much of my life.  I think a fundamental premise that many guys begin with is that all women can be attracted, and that's not close to the truth.  Actually, attraction is pre-set, determined by Mother Nature.  You can be the best dressed, smoothest, funniest man, and some women just aren't going to like you.  The flip side of that is that there are women out there that will be so attracted to you that you can slip on banana peels, fart, and tell corny jokes and they'll think you're the best thing ever.

Agreed with this part of what you said

It can also be that they've had the chance to explore a bit about your personality (which is only exposed over time) and your lifestyle & life goals and don't see it as a match. Believing that there is something "wrong" with you, OP, is not necessarily the case.  It can be that she just thinks you are too different or on different life paths.  Just because one person recognizes that sooner than the other isn't a bad thing--they are setting you off on your way to find the right person.  If they don't think you are the right person for them, there's not much that can be done or explained about that.  It's not all about you--in the best of ways.  It's about what they want for their life.

Not all guys are equal or start from a blank slate of if you do A and are B, then you will have success with every girl.  (same goes for girls).  It's not a formula that people can replicate.  You can push the odds a bit in your favor but you are spinning your wheels to think you can extract some magic answer.  Sometimes I guess you can get constructive feedback.  IMO, this isn't one of those times and you won't get an honest answer from her--if she even replies.  You will get a vague answer or something that sends you on a goose chase of remaking yourself into something you aren't and that really wasn't the real reason anyway.   Like if she said something that was against your core values or not who you want to be, would you change it?  What if it is something that cannot be changed?  See, it's mostly pointless.  Best thing you can do after a rejection, is pick yourself back up and try again (with someone else in this case).  Fall down 7, get up 8.  That kind of thinking.  

Someone asked (sorry I forgot who at this moment): what do you think it was?  I think that's the right track.  Deep down, you probably have some idea or a guess of the reason/s why.  It's usually along those lines at this stage.  Don't be confused by what she said subsequent to the 2nd date---those were blow off words, hoping you would forget or not follow up. I can't even count how many times I know of friends that have done exactly the same thing. 

[max3732]

12 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

"Finally I asked if she was still interested by saying that I completely understand if she decided that she's not and if she didn't want to continue that was ok"....why would you say this?  This is not an attractive thing to say, makes it seem like you have low self-esteem, like you get blown off all the time.

In any event, this was just two dates right?  You don't have a right to "closure" after a second date.  These days you just get ghosted.  It sucks but it is what it is.  She's not busy with work.  She lost interest and moved on, that much is certain.

Why did she lose interest?  Who the frick knows for sure.  She may have thought that the way you were pursuing was weak (i.e. what you said above).  Double texting is very bad, makes you look needy.  Shoot one text out and if she doesn't respond you don't respond.  Frequent unanswered texting turns women off for a very good reason; the type of guys that call and text a lot turn into stalkers if the relationship doesn't work out.

Maybe she met a guy that she had a bit more interest in, so she's seeing what happens with that guy.  I'm 99% sure you blew it with the type of talk I quoted earlier and the frequent texting, but would not spend a great deal of time worrying about it at this point.   You have to have the mindset that *she's* the one that missed out.

Going back to what I actually wrote I didn't explain what I said correctly (I was going from memory). 

I sent her a message asking about what she told me her plans were along with making comments about some things we'd talked and then said "Still interested in meeting up again when you're back here?"

She replied with a long message apologizing for not responding sooner, that she's been very busy with work, moving, shopping for Christmas, etc and asked what I've been up to saying she should know later that week when she'll be back and then will let me know.

This was before Christmas and like I said before she didn't reply to my Christmas text/pictures and I haven't heard from her since.

I guess everyone is different, but if she's not interested why write a long message and ask about me with a promise to contact me later that week? Wouldn't it be easier to say she's been busy and after giving it some thought doesn't think we're a good match or say something to end it? With what she did I'm expecting a message from her letting me know when she was coming back that never came. When I got text those first 2 weeks I kept hoping/expecting it would be from her letting me know she was coming down.

I just don't understand how that "doesn't hurt my feelings" vs. saying she's not interested.  I guess everyone expresses themselves differently, but that's my feeling.

Also, it was "just 2 dates", but it wasn't like some dates where you meet 20 minutes for coffee for a 1st date and then meet for lunch or a walk in the park for the 2nd. We spent like 3 hours together in the 1st date and then I spent 4 hours in the car to see her for the 2nd (2 there and 2 back) and we spent like 6 hours together in the 2nd. 

I know I don't have a lot of dating experience for my age and haven't been successful at it, but to me that seems like a decent investment in someone that would at least warrant a text saying you're not interested. With someone I dated before I went on multiple, shorter dates with when I invited her for another one she said she didn't think we had enough in common and of course I didn't like to hear that at the time, but she was absolutely right and I was able to let her go relatively quickly. This one bothers me.

[cleverusername]

5 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Going back to what I actually wrote I didn't explain what I said correctly (I was going from memory). 

I sent her a message asking about what she told me her plans were along with making comments about some things we'd talked and then said "Still interested in meeting up again when you're back here?"

She replied with a long message apologizing for not responding sooner, that she's been very busy with work, moving, shopping for Christmas, etc and asked what I've been up to saying she should know later that week when she'll be back and then will let me know.

This was before Christmas and like I said before she didn't reply to my Christmas text/pictures and I haven't heard from her since.

I guess everyone is different, but if she's not interested why write a long message and ask about me with a promise to contact me later that week? Wouldn't it be easier to say she's been busy and after giving it some thought doesn't think we're a good match or say something to end it? With what she did I'm expecting a message from her letting me know when she was coming back that never came. When I got text those first 2 weeks I kept hoping/expecting it would be from her letting me know she was coming down.

I just don't understand how that "doesn't hurt my feelings" vs. saying she's not interested.  I guess everyone expresses themselves differently, but that's my feeling.

Also, it was "just 2 dates", but it wasn't like some dates where you meet 20 minutes for coffee for a 1st date and then meet for lunch or a walk in the park for the 2nd. We spent like 3 hours together in the 1st date and then I spent 4 hours in the car to see her for the 2nd (2 there and 2 back) and we spent like 6 hours together in the 2nd. 

I know I don't have a lot of dating experience for my age and haven't been successful at it, but to me that seems like a decent investment in someone that would at least warrant a text saying you're not interested. With someone I dated before I went on multiple, shorter dates with when I invited her for another one she said she didn't think we had enough in common and of course I didn't like to hear that at the time, but she was absolutely right and I was able to let her go relatively quickly. This one bothers me.

Remember, you are the prize. It’s her loss,  she’s missing out. But the “why” doesn’t matter at this point, the facts do.

The facts are if she wants to reach out she has your number and she will. But until then no amount of texting or wondering will make her fingers touch her phone to text you. You put the ball in her court.

Go be someone else’s prize. 

[max3732]

8 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Agreed with this part of what you said

It can also be that they've had the chance to explore a bit about your personality (which is only exposed over time) and your lifestyle & life goals and don't see it as a match. Believing that there is something "wrong" with you, OP, is not necessarily the case.  It can be that she just thinks you are too different or on different life paths.  Just because one person recognizes that sooner than the other isn't a bad thing--they are setting you off on your way to find the right person.  If they don't think you are the right person for them, there's not much that can be done or explained about that.  It's not all about you--in the best of ways.  It's about what they want for their life.

Not all guys are equal or start from a blank slate of if you do A and are B, then you will have success with every girl.  (same goes for girls).  It's not a formula that people can replicate.  You can push the odds a bit in your favor but you are spinning your wheels to think you can extract some magic answer.  Sometimes I guess you can get constructive feedback.  IMO, this isn't one of those times and you won't get an honest answer from her--if she even replies.  You will get a vague answer or something that sends you on a goose chase of remaking yourself into something you aren't and that really wasn't the real reason anyway.   Like if she said something that was against your core values or not who you want to be, would you change it?  What if it is something that cannot be changed?  See, it's mostly pointless.  Best thing you can do after a rejection, is pick yourself back up and try again (with someone else in this case).  Fall down 7, get up 8.  That kind of thinking.  

Someone asked (sorry I forgot who at this moment): what do you think it was?  I think that's the right track.  Deep down, you probably have some idea or a guess of the reason/s why.  It's usually along those lines at this stage.  Don't be confused by what she said subsequent to the 2nd date---those were blow off words, hoping you would forget or not follow up. I can't even count how many times I know of friends that have done exactly the same thing. 

If it's some core belief of mine or a mismatch of values/personality/life goals or whatever I'd like to know that and could easily move on knowing we weren't a good fit and would be relatively happy with how the date went. If on the other hand I do something on the date that would throw anyone I'm with off, like chewing with my mouth open or if I just kept talking about 1 subject for too long that I could be aware of and fix then I'd really like to know that for the next date. Like with sports the first time I filmed myself I couldn't believe how different what I was doing was vs. how I imagined myself in my mind and was able to fix bad habits. If I have bad habits that are hurting my dating I'd like to know it.

The only thing I can think that I did wrong was I was a bit tired after the drive and felt more interested in her than in the 1st date so maybe I gave off the vibe of being too into her. If that's the case it's something I can try to correct and would like to know. Other than that I think I was myself for the whole date. There are a lot of different topics we talked about and like you said maybe we're not on the same page as far as core values or I said something she didn't like. I think I mentioned before when I was in a long term relationship she got upset with me over a joke I told at a grocery store and when she finally told me she was upset about that a few weeks later I hardly remembered saying it.

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, max3732 said:

Going back to what I actually wrote I didn't explain what I said correctly (I was going from memory). 

I sent her a message asking about what she told me her plans were along with making comments about some things we'd talked and then said "Still interested in meeting up again when you're back here?"

She replied with a long message apologizing for not responding sooner, that she's been very busy with work, moving, shopping for Christmas, etc and asked what I've been up to saying she should know later that week when she'll be back and then will let me know.

This was before Christmas and like I said before she didn't reply to my Christmas text/pictures and I haven't heard from her since.

I guess everyone is different, but if she's not interested why write a long message and ask about me with a promise to contact me later that week? Wouldn't it be easier to say she's been busy and after giving it some thought doesn't think we're a good match or say something to end it? With what she did I'm expecting a message from her letting me know when she was coming back that never came. When I got text those first 2 weeks I kept hoping/expecting it would be from her letting me know she was coming down.

I just don't understand how that "doesn't hurt my feelings" vs. saying she's not interested.  I guess everyone expresses themselves differently, but that's my feeling.

Also, it was "just 2 dates", but it wasn't like some dates where you meet 20 minutes for coffee for a 1st date and then meet for lunch or a walk in the park for the 2nd. We spent like 3 hours together in the 1st date and then I spent 4 hours in the car to see her for the 2nd (2 there and 2 back) and we spent like 6 hours together in the 2nd. 

I know I don't have a lot of dating experience for my age and haven't been successful at it, but to me that seems like a decent investment in someone that would at least warrant a text saying you're not interested. With someone I dated before I went on multiple, shorter dates with when I invited her for another one she said she didn't think we had enough in common and of course I didn't like to hear that at the time, but she was absolutely right and I was able to let her go relatively quickly. This one bothers me.

"I guess everyone is different, but if she's not interested why write a long message and ask about me with a promise to contact me later that week? Wouldn't it be easier to say she's been busy and after giving it some thought doesn't think we're a good match or say something to end it? With what she did I'm expecting a message from her letting me know when she was coming back that never came. When I got text those first 2 weeks I kept hoping/expecting it would be from her letting me know she was coming down."

Because the way men and women approach these things is just different.  Trying to use your logic vs her logic is just a fruitless exercise.

Women don't want to hurt your feelings.  She thinks she is being obvious, and women feel that if you have experience dealing with women, then you know that this is a rejection.  A few will be direct, but in my experience most will just ghost you.  Pay attention to her actions, she doesn't want to spend time with you.  Women that are interested in you will do more than just talk about getting together, they will take actions to spend time with you.  If they're highly interested they want every second of your time.

[dramafreezone]

54 minutes ago, max3732 said:

If it's some core belief of mine or a mismatch of values/personality/life goals or whatever I'd like to know that and could easily move on knowing we weren't a good fit and would be relatively happy with how the date went. If on the other hand I do something on the date that would throw anyone I'm with off, like chewing with my mouth open or if I just kept talking about 1 subject for too long that I could be aware of and fix then I'd really like to know that for the next date. Like with sports the first time I filmed myself I couldn't believe how different what I was doing was vs. how I imagined myself in my mind and was able to fix bad habits. If I have bad habits that are hurting my dating I'd like to know it.

The only thing I can think that I did wrong was I was a bit tired after the drive and felt more interested in her than in the 1st date so maybe I gave off the vibe of being too into her. If that's the case it's something I can try to correct and would like to know. Other than that I think I was myself for the whole date. There are a lot of different topics we talked about and like you said maybe we're not on the same page as far as core values or I said something she didn't like. I think I mentioned before when I was in a long term relationship she got upset with me over a joke I told at a grocery store and when she finally told me she was upset about that a few weeks later I hardly remembered saying it.

I think it just boils down to a loss of attraction.  All of the thoughts about values/life goals is looking too much into it.  If she was attracted to you, none of that would matter.  She may not want to *marry* you but she'd still want to see you.  Women get involved all the time with guys that don't check their boxes on values and life goals.  What causes attraction is separate from that.

" felt more interested in her than in the 1st date so maybe I gave off the vibe of being too into her."  I think you can safely assume it's this.  If you feel you might have come on too strong, you did.  It's tough to genuinely be interested in a woman while at the same time not coming off as "too into her."  The best way you can mitigate this is to date a lot of women.  That way you won't have time to put all of your eggs into this one woman's basket.  It's having an abundance mindset instead of a scarcity mindset.  Abundance mindset is attractive.  Scarcity mindset is not.

[Versacehottie]

She's interested until she's gathered enough information where she doesn't believe it will progress.  It's an exploration progress until someone wants off the adventure, especially during early dates, where you don't know enough about someone's personality, habits, mannerisms and life goals.

I think it's a terrible idea but if you must persist try to contact her and ask.  Hopefully you will learn something from that.  It's too pushy, too all about you IMO.  Lack of social awareness IMO.  Sorry, Max.  I honestly don't think she will tell you anything of value and it will just spin you in another direction..IF you reach her and that's a big IF.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

 If on the other hand I do something on the date that would throw anyone I'm with off, like chewing with my mouth open or if I just kept talking about 1 subject for too long that I could be aware of and fix then I'd really like to know that for the next date.

I understand where you're coming from.  I mentioned earlier about speaking with a couple of female friends who did answer honestly when respectfully approached with a "it there anything I could have done differently?"  One of them gently told him that he'd poured out all his issues and she felt like she was a therapist and he was so gracious in his thanks. This is really valuable feedback because it's the kind of thing which would turn off anyone and he can easily change his dating style to suit this.  (though longer term, he'd probably need to engage a therapist so that he doesn't relax and dump his woes on a girlfriend)

Reaching out to ask the question does come with a high risk that she won't be honest.  And if she's dealt with men before who argue against her view, she will be even less inclined to be honest...which is why I wrote the instructions earlier.  But you may also get lucky and learn something.  Just please, please don't ask her about why she did X and Y - stay focused on the mission of self awareness. 

[healing light]

It could be something as simple as your unwillingness to come to her area again, but instead wanting her to deliver herself to you. Some women like to feel special and be pursued in the beginning and might interpret that as a lackluster response. Maybe she doesn't drive or likes it when men put in more effort, who knows? It could be anything, really.

The point is, you only went on 2 dates with her and she faded out. As much as you would love to know, you're not entitled to a response from her after only 2 dates and asking at this point may come off as odd. I'm not trying to contribute to your sense of pain and confusion over it, just that I think the conversation is less likely to give you the closure you seek and more likely to go south or be awkward.

Dating is supposed to be fun and light-hearted while evaluating each other for compatibility. She is showing you through her actions that another woman would make a better fit for you and ruminating about the why may not even be applicable to the next potential partner who comes your way.

[dramafreezone]

35 minutes ago, healing light said:

It could be something as simple as your unwillingness to come to her area again, but instead wanting her to deliver herself to you. Some women like to feel special and be pursued in the beginning and might interpret that as a lackluster response. Maybe she doesn't drive or likes it when men put in more effort, who knows? It could be anything, really.

The point is, you only went on 2 dates with her and she faded out. As much as you would love to know, you're not entitled to a response from her after only 2 dates and asking at this point may come off as odd. I'm not trying to contribute to your sense of pain and confusion over it, just that I think the conversation is less likely to give you the closure you seek and more likely to go south or be awkward.

Dating is supposed to be fun and light-hearted while evaluating each other for compatibility. She is showing you through her actions that another woman would make a better fit for you and ruminating about the why may not even be applicable to the next potential partner who comes your way.

Eh, he drove two hours to see her, twice if I'm reading that correctly.  That's plenty of effort.  I don't think he's at all wrong for wanting her to put forth some effort, at least meet in the middle.  The bottom line is her interest level wasn't enough for her to put forth more than minimal effort.

I'll put it like this; if it were Bradley Cooper she'd carjack someone to go see him if she didn't have a car.  It's all about attraction.  Maybe he was just something to occupy time until another guy or an ex came back into the picture.  She just wasn't *that* into him, and if he was double texting and saying things like "I understand if you don't want to see me" then that's all it takes for her to move on.

[healing light]

16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Eh, he drove two hours to see her, twice if I'm reading that correctly.  That's plenty of effort.  I don't think he's at all wrong for wanting her to put forth some effort, at least meet in the middle.  The bottom line is her interest level wasn't enough for her to put forth more than minimal effort.

Missed this part about the length of the drive. I do know some women who want to be pursued heavily, especially in the beginning--doesn't make him wrong for wanting her to come his way. No one can know why, but I agree with you. Her interest levels weren't enough for whatever reason.

[Dash23]

I've had the odd few women be straight up with me about why they were no longer interested, some even to a point that it was almost quite shocking LOL.  It is a breath of fresh air to deal with brutally honest people (if you have thick enough skin), but these people are rare. I know the feeling, and it sucks, but the truth is she doesn't owe you an explanation nor is it her job tell you what you need to improve on given you've been on a couple of dates. Chances are you'd get a canned "not feeling the spark" reply if you even do get an answer. It's important to note to that women aren't dumb when it comes to letting guys down. It's not just about letting guys down gently, it's also about saving themselves energy of not having to figure out how to say things tactfully and opening up a can another can of worms  - for example, even if she was honest with you in her reply, and she says some details of things you feel like you can fix easily, you may plead for her to give you another shot and it's just more of a headache for her having to decline you politely yet again!

I will admit that I prefer brutally honest people as they often give specific details that make you realize "oh yeah, this definitely wouldn't have worked out, nothing I can do to change that".  I have been genuinely curious several times in the past and have asked with varying success on getting answers, but if I do ask it's usually because I know it is dead in the water no matter what, so there is no harm anyhow since it's the end either way.  You may get a genuine answer, you may get a canned response, you may get ignored.  One thing is for sure, if there was a 2 percent chance you guys would hang out again, asking these questions will vanquish that. So if you can't help with feeling compelled to ask, ask politely knowing you guys are done anyhow and don't get salty regardless of the outcome.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, healing light said:

It could be something as simple as your unwillingness to come to her area again, but instead wanting her to deliver herself to you.

I missed this!    @max3732  if you're counting the miles and the time it takes to go see someone, then you're not cut out for a LDR.   There's a good chance this is behind her not bothering with you in future.

Also, no judgement from me - I wouldn't bother with someone who was more than 1hr away unless they lived by the beach.

[max3732]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I missed this!    @max3732  if you're counting the miles and the time it takes to go see someone, then you're not cut out for a LDR.   There's a good chance this is behind her not bothering with you in future.

Also, no judgement from me - I wouldn't bother with someone who was more than 1hr away unless they lived by the beach.

Well she asked me to come up again right around Christmas and I couldn't make it then. I thought she'd be moving to my area a few weeks after that and she also said she may come down to my area sometime between when we were talking and when she moved so I thought we could just meet up then. If she lived 2 hours away and I had to drive that way each time it would definitely be tough but I might do it if I saw a future.

So it was only a LDR for those few weeks, but I drove to see her to keep the momentum going since I enjoyed the 1st date and then also enjoyed the second.

That said I did/do have some concerns about whether we'd have a future as far as some values and way we do things, but I know you have to compromise on some things with a relationship. There are some things I wouldn't want to compromise on though so I'm also curious if she just felt we weren't compatible for those kinds of reasons. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

Well she asked me to come up again right around Christmas and I couldn't make it then. I thought she'd be moving to my area a few weeks after that and she also said she may come down to my area sometime between when we were talking and when she moved so I thought we could just meet up then. If she lived 2 hours away and I had to drive that way each time it would definitely be tough but I might do it if I saw a future.

Sounds like a lot of inertia on both your sides.  Could it be that it simply fizzled out due to lack of action?

[Indigo Night]

Two dates and some texting is not an investment for most people. If she has moved on, let her. Why do you need "closure" after 2 dates? It seems a bit clingy to me. 

[Acacia98]

4 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

Two dates and some texting is not an investment for most people. If she has moved on, let her. Why do you need "closure" after 2 dates? It seems a bit clingy to me. 

I think he invested too much: driving two hours to visit her and two hours back is a big deal. The money, time, energy and planning it takes to make that happen... it's way more than he'd have spent on a dinner date with someone from the same area. Just thinking about it exhausts me. So it probably doesn't seem like just two dates to him.

--

@OP, two things stand out to me:

1. You seem to assume other people think like you and would behave like you under similar circumstances. That's why you're having a hard time understanding why she'd do this if she didn't want to hurt you. Or why she'd come on strong then pull back. She's not you. She has a different thought process, different motivations. So she behaves differently. You weren't together long enough to get to know these facets of who she was. So the way I see it, your only healthy option is to accept that she's different from you. Perhaps those differences make you incompatible.

2. It's not at all strange for someone to come on strong at the beginning of your interaction  and then suddenly do a180-degree turn. If anything, I've come to expect it. If someone you barely know is super-enthusiastic about you during your first few dates, be very careful. That person is likely to run out of steam very soon and very suddenly. People who fall in love or get infatuated really quickly fall out of love or infatuation just as quickly.

[Indigo Night]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he invested too much: driving two hours to visit her and two hours back is a big deal. The money, time, energy and planning it takes to make that happen... it's way more than he'd have spent on a dinner date with someone from the same area. Just thinking about it exhausts me. So it probably doesn't seem like just two dates to him.

--

@OP, two things stand out to me:

1. You seem to assume other people think like you and would behave like you under similar circumstances. That's why you're having a hard time understanding why she'd do this if she didn't want to hurt you. Or why she'd come on strong then pull back. She's not you. She has a different thought process, different motivations. So she behaves differently. You weren't together long enough to get to know these facets of who she was. So the way I see it, your only healthy option is to accept that she's different from you. Perhaps those differences make you incompatible.

2. It's not at all strange for someone to come on strong at the beginning of your interaction  and then suddenly do a180-degree turn. If anything, I've come to expect it. If someone you barely know is super-enthusiastic about you during your first few dates, be very careful. That person is likely to run out of steam very soon and very suddenly. People who fall in love or get infatuated really quickly fall out of love or infatuation just as quickly.

You are correct HE did invest a lot. She didn't. It was still two dates, even though he drove two hours, etc. She didn't reciprocate the investment of time to see him.

[max3732]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he invested too much: driving two hours to visit her and two hours back is a big deal. The money, time, energy and planning it takes to make that happen... it's way more than he'd have spent on a dinner date with someone from the same area. Just thinking about it exhausts me. So it probably doesn't seem like just two dates to him.

--

@OP, two things stand out to me:

1. You seem to assume other people think like you and would behave like you under similar circumstances. That's why you're having a hard time understanding why she'd do this if she didn't want to hurt you. Or why she'd come on strong then pull back. She's not you. She has a different thought process, different motivations. So she behaves differently. You weren't together long enough to get to know these facets of who she was. So the way I see it, your only healthy option is to accept that she's different from you. Perhaps those differences make you incompatible.

2. It's not at all strange for someone to come on strong at the beginning of your interaction  and then suddenly do a180-degree turn. If anything, I've come to expect it. If someone you barely know is super-enthusiastic about you during your first few dates, be very careful. That person is likely to run out of steam very soon and very suddenly. People who fall in love or get infatuated really quickly fall out of love or infatuation just as quickly.

This idea of inviting someone to get together and saying you're interested and then ignoring them almost reminds me of in the movie Office Space where they say to avoid conflict they're not going to fire Milton, but just stop paying him and move his office to the storage room and basically treat him like dirt and eventually he'll get the hint. Does anyone actually feel like they get hurt less with what she did vs. if she'd just told me she wasn't interested? That's definitely the part I'm having trouble getting my arms around.

She was one of the first women that seemed more interested in me than the other way during/after the 1st date that I was also interested in. Maybe that's common and I've just never experienced it.

2 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

You are correct HE did invest a lot. She didn't. It was still two dates, even though he drove two hours, etc. She didn't reciprocate the investment of time to see him.

She did spend 6 hours or so with me and had been texting me pictures and all kinds of info about her. It seemed like things were going well to me so I'm just at a loss.

 

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

...

She did spend 6 hours or so with me and had been texting me pictures and all kinds of info about her. It seemed like things were going well to me so I'm just at a loss.

There is no knowing unfortunately.  Such curiosity can drive me to distraction as well, maybe take it as a challenge to get through the not knowing, living with the unanswered

Or if you reach out you can ask how she is doing, anything wrong (which is a decent thing to do as so much can go wrong these days) and understand if she changed her mind...let her know you liked her (if that is still a possibility).  I didn't get the impression you leave an impression that you would be risky to say no to, and better to ghost you.  Sometimes it happens life gets away from people and then they get too afraid to reconnect if they left it too long and dropped a promise, she may be worried too how you feel. 

I wouldn't expect answers but what have you got to lose really?

[dramafreezone]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he invested too much: driving two hours to visit her and two hours back is a big deal. The money, time, energy and planning it takes to make that happen... it's way more than he'd have spent on a dinner date with someone from the same area. Just thinking about it exhausts me. So it probably doesn't seem like just two dates to him.

--

@OP, two things stand out to me:

1. You seem to assume other people think like you and would behave like you under similar circumstances. That's why you're having a hard time understanding why she'd do this if she didn't want to hurt you. Or why she'd come on strong then pull back. She's not you. She has a different thought process, different motivations. So she behaves differently. You weren't together long enough to get to know these facets of who she was. So the way I see it, your only healthy option is to accept that she's different from you. Perhaps those differences make you incompatible.

2. It's not at all strange for someone to come on strong at the beginning of your interaction  and then suddenly do a180-degree turn. If anything, I've come to expect it. If someone you barely know is super-enthusiastic about you during your first few dates, be very careful. That person is likely to run out of steam very soon and very suddenly. People who fall in love or get infatuated really quickly fall out of love or infatuation just as quickly.

Yes, it definitely could be argued that he invested too much.  Driving two hours for a first date?  The girl could on one hand think he's a great guy and very considerate, while also having the gut feeling of "if this guy was so great, why does he have to drive two hours to see me?  No women near him want to date him?"  And if no one else wants to date him why should I date him?   And then the double texting and insecure statements confirmed that gut feeling she had.

Put it like this; if you went to a car lot and you saw a car you liked and it was for $20000.  You offered the salesman $10000, expecting him to counteroffer, but instead he says "Deal."  What would you say at that point?  What the hell is wrong with this car?  You'd be suspicious because this salesman is indicating that this lowball offer is more than the car is really worth.   Similarly, (and this is mean to say) but this guy driving two hours to see her for a first date is saying that this is what he has to do to get dates.  Similar to the car lot, she's investing very little and he's giving up a lot of his own time (which is the most important thing we have) to see her right off the bat.  He's discounting himself.  Even if that's not really the case (he dates a lot of women and he just thinks she's that awesome), this is what she'll think, because even she doesn't think she's that awesome.  She hasn't really done anything to deserve that treatment.

It's a catch-22; you're highly interested in her, which every woman wants from a guy, but being too interested comes off as desperate and that you have no other choice, so you're putting all of your eggs in her basket.   No woman would ever admit to the guy that they think this way about him, but they know how men who have lots of options behave.

OP I hope you don't take any of this personally.  I'm not saying any of this as if I'm better than you.  I'm saying it because I've made pretty much every mistake you've made before, and I wish I had someone to tell me what I was doing wrong instead of doing the same thing over and over.

Edited January 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

 

1. You seem to assume other people think like you and would behave like you under similar circumstances. That's why you're having a hard time understanding why she'd do this if she didn't want to hurt you. Or why she'd come on strong then pull back. She's not you. She has a different thought process, different motivations. So she behaves differently. You weren't together long enough to get to know these facets of who she was. So the way I see it, your only healthy option is to accept that she's different from you. Perhaps those differences make you incompatible.

 

Totally agree with the above^^^ 100%