can staying friends with an ex be a good with thing getting back together?

[GloriaDaisy]

Me and my BF broke up 1 month ago out of a 1 year relationship. 

He ended things because things just we not feelings the same. He was working 60 + hours a week and very consumed in developing his career. He couldn't give me the time and energy that I needed. Me on the other hand, had been working 2 jobs and literally put my self care on the back burner in almost every way.  the basis of his reasons were every thing i was feeling too. The initial break up was very emotional. He cried more than I had ever seen before.  I asked to give us a chance but he said he was sorry but wanted to focus on himself . I didn't push it beyond that. 

About a week after the break up he was sending "i miss you, i still care about you, things arent the same without you " texts

After about the 3rd day, I called him out telling him - this break up was his idea and this sentiment wasn't worth much unless he put it into action .once I displayed my boundaries, he backed off. I ended up blocking him, and we went into full radio silence for about 8 days. over the course of the month ive put a lot of work into myself. going to the gym regularly, seeing close friends and talking to a therapist.  In the span of 4 weeks, i went through a break up, the death of a close friend (unexpected) and i got in a car accident. All the while starting a completely new career path.  So naturally ive been very fragile, and vulnerable 

I ended up unblocking him and texted to wish him a happy new year, I tried to keep  the exchange light. 

Well, long story short, he told me he wasn't doing very well, and the break up had been difficult on him.  He had been chatting causally on and off and ended up going out for drinks on the weekend. A part of me questioned this but i simply wanted to see his face again. The hang out was actually pretty fun and we did end up sleeping together. Please do not judge me for this , as I've already had feelings of regret but trying to forgive myself for the one time slip up. I know being sexual wasn't a smart idea. And i will not continue down the path of sexual intimacy with him agaiin

Truthfully, I see how this break up wasn't such a bad idea after all, ive had a world of self discovery, clarity and understood him and I were in this rut , not looking after ourselves.  i dont see how our relationship would work ...unless we were able to accommodate our busy lives towards making things work. and really show the determination to want to be together. I know 2 people have to be on the same page.

Ever since our meet up, he had been texting me quite frequently, reaching through out the day  and mostly him  starting up convos.  Hes told me hes been trying to work less, going to the gym  and eating more healthy. its clear hes trying to actually focus on better himself. I feel like in a way we have rebuilt our friendship. He told me im one of the most important people in his life and hes helped me get to work since my car is off the road and offered to help with the arrangements of my deceased friend. He really has shown a lot of caring attributes. 

 I started to notice  a feeling of excitement within myself when id hear from him.  But at this point im starting to wonder if im going down this slippery slope.

the other day i asked  if he just wanted to be friends or if he saw us going anywhere. He told me "he had no idea but, knew we definitely should be working on ourselves ".Working on ourselves has been a common theme with him since post break up. He brings that up a lot ...And I believe that is a sensible thing to need in your life at this time. who can deny someone that wants to take time out for self care.  He clearly tells me that he misses me and feels sad about our separation. he has never out right said "we will never never get back together again" mostly just said that he needs to focus on himself. theres been no discussion from him or ever getting back together, and i havent been asking him to consider that, in fact im not pushing that at all , except bringing up the just friends topic the other day,

With how shaky my mental health has been-. I dont think im ready to cut the ties with him, his connection has really helped me with the over all heart break . But i know deep down I have hope that one day we could make it work. I seriously love this person with all my heart.  My therapist recommended right now it would not wise to cut the connection between him and I . He said with how rough things are right now- it might make it worse on me.

I am really scared that one day he'll start up something new with someone else, and that would leave me devastated. Or maybe hes just using me as emotional comfort without any goal to be with me again. I hoping our friendship could be used to my advantage in a way of bringing him back. but again i dont know if i should just start no contact or continue to talk everyday the way we are. 

Does anyone have any advice? should I keep the friendship light and keep my distance? should i cut off contact? can exes still be friends and maybe work towards a rekindled relationship? does anyone have any experience with this and has a story to share?

Edited January 9, 2021 by GloriaDaisy

[Wiseman2]

Excellent . Keep up your self improvement plan. Stay no contact. Free yourself so you can do the things you want and eventually meet a better match.

Don't let his bread crumbs and crocodile tears demote you to FWB. That's just more of the same busy busy routine with sex.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's going to be better to cease contact. 

Otherwise, you're just letting him wean himself off you and your company. It's not fair to you if he doesn't have any serious intention of mending things. More often than not, the dumpee winds up hurt all over again when the dumper just reinforces that they still want "space" while the dumpee was thinking that maybe things were getting back on track. 

Let him know you prefer to cut communication for a while so you can have the chance to heal. If he is a decent person, he will understand this. And if he does in fact want to try to reconcile, he will let you know. 

[d0nnivain]

You fix what's wrong in a relationship by working together.

What you have is not a friendship.  It's a failure to cut that last thread holding you together.   You need more info before you decide whether to try to strengthen it or cut it once & for all.

What does "working on himself" mean?  What does he think he has to do & why can't he do it while dating you?   If he's using that phrase as the modern equivalent of "it's not you, it's me", walk away.  If he feels bad for working so much & not paying attention to you, work with him to fit it all in.  Even if you do something lame like share a pizza while doing your laundry together, it's still time together.  People make time for things they care about.

That said, at this point it seems more like he's using you for NSA sex or break up sex, without any commitment.  That is not good.  It teaches him that he can use you.  This form of "friendship" is not a step toward reconcilation.  It's you teaching him you are worthless.

[GloriaDaisy]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You fix what's wrong in a relationship by working together.

What you have is not a friendship.  It's a failure to cut that last thread holding you together.   You need more info before you decide whether to try to strengthen it or cut it once & for all.

What does "working on himself" mean?  What does he think he has to do & why can't he do it while dating you?   If he's using that phrase as the modern equivalent of "it's not you, it's me", walk away.  If he feels bad for working so much & not paying attention to you, work with him to fit it all in.  Even if you do something lame like share a pizza while doing your laundry together, it's still time together.  People make time for things they care about.

That said, at this point it seems more like he's using you for NSA sex or break up sex, without any commitment.  That is not good.  It teaches him that he can use you.  This form of "friendship" is not a step toward reconcilation.  It's you teaching him you are worthless.

basically he just works 7 days a week, and really wasn't able to take care of himself. like basic self care, he was on the verge on a mental break down a week before the break up. he just said he wanted to organize his time better. when we were together he was'nt fully present and extremely stressed out all the time. over the course of the year together,  i felt we were not progressing the way a couple should of. I wanted to take steps to eventually live together when the time was right ...and build a life together. he is 5 years younger than me so, frankly i dont think hes even in that stage of settling down. thanks for your feed back. Im gonna work towards limiting my contact in the best way I can. i want him to feel the weight of his decision without me. not have his cake and eat it too. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, GloriaDaisy said:

Im gonna work towards limiting my contact in the best way I can. i want him to feel the weight of his decision without me. not have his cake and eat it too. 

Excellent. Good call.

[d0nnivain]

He could have chosen to work fewer hours & done better self care while dating you.  Your belief that you two weren't "progressing the way a couple should" and you weren't working toward eventually living together was more pressure then he wanted to deal with. It was a factor in why he worked so much & why he now allegedly wants to "work on himself".  He doesn't really; he just wants you off his back because your timeline & definition of commitment freaked him out. He's not coming back.  

 

[LynneVicious]

It is best to stay no contact and work on yourself. No matter what, do NOT wait for him thinking you’ll work out in the future while you miss opportunities for yourself. Chances, you’ll end up With a broken heart ‘waiting’ for him and he finds somebody else. It’s best to consistently move forward in your life. Leave the past where it is and always move forward and gain new experiences. 

[Liddlez]

Staying friends will only prolong your pain, and hinder your journey. I suggest cutting all contact otherwise he’ll never TRULY know what he wants. He needs time to experience life without you for him to decide wether he wants you in it, or not. It sucks, I know, but YOU, and your psychological well-being come first!

[GloriaDaisy]

On 1/10/2021 at 3:31 PM, d0nnivain said:

He could have chosen to work fewer hours & done better self care while dating you.  Your belief that you two weren't "progressing the way a couple should" and you weren't working toward eventually living together was more pressure then he wanted to deal with. It was a factor in why he worked so much & why he now allegedly wants to "work on himself".  He doesn't really; he just wants you off his back because your timeline & definition of commitment freaked him out. He's not coming back.  

 

I never even bought up living together to him, i didnt put that heady expectation on him. it was something that was in the back of my mind. we simply were not ready for that. but i did ask where our relationship was going and he said he didnt know, and at the point did indeed realize that we were not progressing.

[GloriaDaisy]

Thank you guys. Ever since this first post I did limit my contact to him. Hes sent multiple messages since...asking how im doing and things like that...

Then this morning I got a text message saying "I miss you, could we please go for dinner sometime". I have to admit, I feel conflicted. all my other break ups ended up in contact or every little after out departure.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, he likes limbo and on his terms, and you do not, so that in itself is a reason to just cut all contact.

[tart6245]

The only way you can remain friends with an ex is after a long period of no speaking. It's nearly impossible otherwise because ultimately, your ex will move on with someone else, and that will hurt you just as much as the breakup. If the relationship is over, the best thing you can do is cut all contact.