Close friends keeps cancelling last minute!

[enchanted771]

To make a long story short, my friend has flaked out at the last minute two weekends in a row and I’m just supposed to be ok with it. I told him that I don’t appreciate being disrespected, and that friends give mutual respect. He then started acting completely nuts, which is what he does when he doesn’t get his way. Told me if him cancelling is going to be an issue that we can just move on. He knows I won’t but I know his game...he does this to have things his way. He doesnt apologize for his behavior ever. He gets into these crazy episodes...he accuses me of being pushy, having an attitude and more. His entire family loves me but clearly he doesn’t. He mistreated me on Christmas Eve and his older brother even said something to him...Words can’t even express how hurt and betrayed I feel. He sees nothing wrong with just flaking out then tells me to enjoy my day. I thought maybe he met someone else which he denied. He was lashing out at me on the phone like he was completely insane. This isn’t the first time either..he goes into these phases or episodes where he acts like a completely different person. I just can’t wrap my head around it at all. You make plans with someone, and they go out of their way to free up their schedule, if you care and respect that person you don’t cancel because your not in the mood. Meaning god forbid someone say something to him. He is a shI**h friend. He doesn’t deserve me at all...he got what he deserved in his past which is mentally unstable women (his words) because obviously that’s what he attracts. Words can’t express how hurt I am. I thought he was on drugs or depressed but he denied it. Two of his family members are bipolar and his fam had a history of substance abuse. He said he doesn’t want to see me..he’s way way off. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, enchanted771 said:

I just can’t wrap my head around it at all. You make plans with someone, and they go out of their way to free up their schedule, if you care and respect that person you don’t cancel because your not in the mood.

Not necessarily.   Within my group of dear friends, being caring and respectful involves understanding that sometimes a person makes plans but then life happens and the plans need to be altered or postponed.   This is especially valid with my friends who become emotionally exhausted - their cancellation is about their own mental health needs, not about me.  Sure, it's disappointing and frustrating, but a good friendship involves understanding.

Regarding him getting mad at you, that was always going to happen when you blamed him for disrespecting you.  When you accuse someone of something, the instinctive response for them is to defend and attack in return.   Different choices of words can be used to resolve issues in a way which prevents them from heating up further.

Are you going to move on from him as a friend, or is this worth saving?

 

 

[enchanted771]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Not necessarily.   Within my group of dear friends, being caring and respectful involves understanding that sometimes a person makes plans but then life happens and the plans need to be altered or postponed.   This is especially valid with my friends who become emotionally exhausted - their cancellation is about their own mental health needs, not about me.  Sure, it's disappointing and frustrating, but a good friendship involves understanding.

Regarding him getting mad at you, that was always going to happen when you blamed him for disrespecting you.  When you accuse someone of something, the instinctive response for them is to defend and attack in return.   Different choices of words can be used to resolve issues in a way which prevents them from heating up further.

Are you going to move on from him as a friend, or is this worth saving?

 

 

Thank you for your perspective. I probably over reacted, and yes words can really upset someone who is already going through a hard time. 

[Acacia98]

You call him a friend but say a couple of things that make it sound like an exclusive relationship. Is he actually your boyfriend?

If someone flakes out on you two weekends in a row and is not apologetic about it, I'm inclined to think he's flaky by nature. Rather than expecting him to do the opposite of his apparent nature, adjust your expectations. Assume he's going to flake out on you and plan your life accordingly. Maybe don't go out of your way to accommodate him. Only agree to meet him when it's convenient for you, and make backup plans so that, if he doesn't show, you haven't completely wasted your time.

Edited January 9, 2021 by Acacia98

[basil67]

Hugs to you Enchanted.  Out of curiosity, is this your alcoholic friend?

[enchanted771]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

You call him a friend but say a couple of things that make it sound like an exclusive relationship. Is he actually your boyfriend?

If someone flakes out on you two weekends in a row and is not apologetic about it, I'm inclined to think he's flaky by nature. Rather than expecting him to do the opposite of his apparent nature, adjust your expectations. Assume he's going to flake out on you and plan your life accordingly. Maybe don't go out of your way to accommodate him. Only agree to meet him when it's convenient for you, and make backup plans so that, if he doesn't show, you haven't completely wasted your time.

He’s not a boyfriend at all. We’re friends but we’re close friends. I have done just that. I am not going to make plans more than a day before. Even if he asks earlier, I’ll get back to him. If I happen to be free on a Saturday and he doesn’t have plans that day, then fine. 

[enchanted771]

59 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Hugs to you Enchanted.  Out of curiosity, is this your alcoholic friend?

Yes it is. He has a real problem, so probably wants to drink by himself. 

[Mysterio]

I think that most of us need to have an abundance of friendships.  No one is locked into us and vice versa.  So that means seeing most friends 4-6 times a year.  I made plans with a friend 8 months in advance and he canceled.  I he has a problem with me.  I don't know what it is.  Until it is resolved.  I don't see him.  I have other friends that I will make a better effort with me so they get the attention first.

[Pumaza]

hes not intetested maybe.move on.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, enchanted771 said:

Yes it is. He has a real problem, so probably wants to drink by himself. 

Does he add enough value to your life to make it worth putting up with the negatives he brings?   It was only 5 weeks ago that you were cross with him about something else.  

[enchanted771]

51 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Does he add enough value to your life to make it worth putting up with the negatives he brings?   It was only 5 weeks ago that you were cross with him about something else.  

Sometimes yes. I feel we just have very different standards.

[Watercolors]

Enchanted I don’t understand why you have so much invested in this guy. You say you’re just friends, but your post makes me think you have romantic feelings for him and that his alcoholism is what gets in the way of a real relationship progressing. Am I close? 

[guest569]

8 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

I thought maybe he met someone else which he denied...

 

You make plans with someone, and they go out of their way to free up their schedule, if you care and respect that person you don’t cancel because your not in the mood. 

My goodness. Found someone else? This sounds like an intense friendship. If he's not in the mood, go with someone else or alone. I assume the hurtful things he said must have been pretty bad. 

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

Sometimes yes. I feel we just have very different standards.

So, why would you be friends with someone whose standards are different than yours? That is exactly what causes conflict with friendships. When both people have different “standards” i.e. expectations for what they are willing to give to the other person as far as their time and commitment. 

If your alcoholic male friend isn’t willing to treat you with the respect that you expect from him, then why are you friends with him? Are you sure you don’t have romantic feelings for him? I would never waste my time chasing a friend who shows me through their actions, that my feelings and time don’t really matter to them. I have done that in the past with friendships, only to realize that I was chasing someone who didn’t like me to begin with. I have to wonder, if you aren’t doing the same thing. 

[ShyViolet]

When someone acts crazy on a regular basis, lashes out at you and has "crazy episodes" then you stop being friends with them.  You don't accept this and keep the drama going.  That is on you.  Once you discovered that he has all these problems, then it's your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation because it is dysfunctional and damaging to you.  If you choose to stay involved with all this, then it's kinda hard to have sympathy for you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

 . Two of his family members are bipolar and his fam had a history of substance abuse. 

Sorry this is happening. Did you want more than friendship?

Distance yourself from him and his people.

You have gotten too close and too invested.

 

[enchanted771]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Did you want more than friendship?

Distance yourself from him and his people.

You have gotten too close and too invested.

 

No he isn’t boyfriend material. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, enchanted771 said:

No he isn’t boyfriend material. 

Ok, distance yourself and hang out more with other friends.

If he's unreliable, unfortunately you can't rely on him, no less make him a priority like this or allow prime time to be eaten up this way.

Consider him an afterthought to level up the field. That means make plans with friends and if  you have spontaneous free time, treat him like something to do when bored or no one else is available.

That's how he treats you.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You say he tends to be involved with mentally unstable women. Sounds like that's because he's mentally unstable himself. 

Why do you continue to have anything to do with this guy? Sounds like he adds nothing to your life, only drags you down. Don't you think you can do better? I'd rather hang out alone than deal with that.

Put your energy into better friends or make some new ones. 

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

No he isn’t boyfriend material. 

So, why are you so invested in him? He has a lot of problems and he’s unreliable. 

I agree with the others who advised you that it’s your responsibility to withdraw from friendships that are toxic to your well-being. This guy is a complete train wreck. He has nothing going for him. He can’t take care of himself as an adult and refuses to seek the help that he clearly needs. 

It is not your job to fix him. In fact, you cannot fix him. You can only control yourself. You need to decide why you are so attached to someone so messed up, who is not capable of giving you what you need as either a friend or a boyfriend. 

[d0nnivain]

Your plan to only make last minute plans with him in the future is a solution.  I'd add, never make 1 on 1 plans with him only.  Always make it a group thing.  That way if he cancels, it doesn't matter because you will still have somebody else to spend time with.

Maybe drop in on an Al-Anon meeting.  It's a group that helps people like you understand the alcoholics in their lives. 

[enchanted771]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

So, why are you so invested in him? He has a lot of problems and he’s unreliable. 

I agree with the others who advised you that it’s your responsibility to withdraw from friendships that are toxic to your well-being. This guy is a complete train wreck. He has nothing going for him. He can’t take care of himself as an adult and refuses to seek the help that he clearly needs. 

It is not your job to fix him. In fact, you cannot fix him. You can only control yourself. You need to decide why you are so attached to someone so messed up, who is not capable of giving you what you need as either a friend or a boyfriend. 

Because one of my patents was an alcoholic from a very young age. I have a therapist so it’s a work in progress, but I’m co-dependent. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get so upset when he lets me down. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, enchanted771 said:

Because one of my patents was an alcoholic from a very young age. I have a therapist so it’s a work in progress, but I’m co-dependent. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get so upset when he lets me down. 

Ah, now that makes total sense. You are with this toxic guy as a friend/romantic interest because his alcoholism is a pattern that you grew up with as a child, having an alcoholic mom or dad. So, you are comfortable with that crazy dynamic because you had to be as a child, for your own self-preservation. 

I hope that your therapist can help you recognize how he triggers your codependent adapted behaviors, that you developed as a little kid. 

[FudgeSwirl]

People bail on plans for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes they are naturally flakey and other times it's because they really don't feel like going out due to exhaustion, anxiety, or depression.  However it becomes inconsiderate when it becomes a pattern and you have gone out of your way (ex: rearranging your schedule to get together, saying no to somebody else because you have plans in place, purchasing food and wine for a dinner you are supposed to have with the person only for the plans to be cancelled an hour before, etc.).

Based on what you have mentioned and described in your responses to others, your friend has issues that he unfortunately isn't dealing with.  Kudos to you, though, for seeking therapy for having dealt with an alcoholic parent.

Even issues aside, I would stop planning anything with him or if you do make plans with him make them the day prior only with the mindset that if he cancels it's not a loss because it's something everyday like getting a bite to eat or going for a walk at the park.  It also helps to hang out with people who you know won't flake because the more you do that, the less his flaking out will bother you in the future.