My boyfriend is avoiding me to meet this friends. I am upset, and want to bring this up to him.

[Lazypeople]

We had been dating for almost a year. We only became official for 3-4 months. It took him along time to make things official. He is someone who takes awhile to make decisions. 

He had been staying at my place 3-4 nights for 8 months. For the last 3 months, he had been basically living with me. He’s still staying with me today. 

Both of us rarely meet with friends since it’s pandemic. But, he had met all my family members, and my two best friends. Those rare chances, I always casually invite him because he would have no company/nothing to do. I also gave him chances to opt-out if he’s not ready to meet my family/friends. But he never said no, and looking forward to the events. He probably had met my family already 3-4 times already. 

I only had met his family, but none of his friends except that one time on zoom!

Even meeting his family it felt forced. During the holidays, we bought Christmas presents for his parents. My name was on the cards and presents, and I paid half. He even mentioned his parents got me a gift. But yet, he didn’t plan to invite me to his family gatherings. 

This was what bothered me... he went to my family’s holiday dinner!!! Few days later, he mentioned that he’s visiting his family for holiday celebration, and he never brought up of me going with him. I asked him if he wants me to come along, and he told me only if I want to. I’m not sure if he meant “you’re not invited but you can come if you want”. His reason was because his aunt is going, she doesn’t speak English, and they would be speaking mainly in a foreign language. I felt it was an excuse. I insisted that if he’s not ready then I’m not invited, then I don’t want to come. Then he just kept asking me to go, and kept insisting we will all have a good time. He might pull that off in the end because he realized I would be pretty upset. 

Few days ago, I briefly met his friends through zoom. He was the one who told me to quickly say hi to his friends. We only chatted for like a few minutes. His friends mentioned about meeting up for a bit on the weekend for a birthday. Seems like his friends included me because saying “you guys” to us. Yesterday, he brought up that he’s texting his friends to see what the plans for the meetup. But seems like he is not including me again. It’s very strange. It’s the pandemic and we have nowhere to go. Everything is shutdown anyways. They are planning to probably just go for a walk or something. He clearly knows I have no plans. Isn’t it even more weird if he has his friends picking him up at my place, and I am uninvited? On top of everything, he met my two best friends, and had an amazing time. 

It’s a bit worrisome and upsetting for me. He met both of my best friends, and family. I never hesitate for anyone to meet him. I also made sure he was included so he doesn’t feel left out. On the other hand, he never thought that I would feel weird of how I never met any of his friends. When there is an opportunity to meet his friends, he never thought to invite me. All his friends knows that we are in a committed relationship. He mention about me to them on the phone all the time. It’s just so strange. 

He is for sure meeting his friends this weekend. I don’t want to self-invite to meet his circle again. I also have a feeling, most likely, he would not ask me. But I definitely would be upset if he didn’t ask me, especially if his friends included me. I don’t want to make a big fuss about it. I definitely don’t want to start an argument. However, I can’t help it but be upset about the situation. 

I want to see if he’s inviting me, and if it doesn’t seem like it, I want to have a conversation with him about it. There has to be a reason why he’s not wanting me to meet his circle of people. He’s also not communicating with me, and negotiating. If he tells me straight forward that I am not ready, at least I know and I will understand. At this point, it’s not really fair especially he met most of my circle. If he is not ready, he should not meet my people either.

What should I do?
 

[trident_2020]

It almost sounds like he's ashamed of you and/or he'll be ridiculed by his friends and family if he brings you around.

You've been together a year. Yet you are asking a question of random internet strangers that you cannot address with him.

That's BAD.

 

[Menara]

I don't know how old you are or what your relationship history is. What I am sensing from your description of the situation is that he is making you feel very insecure/unloved. My own relationship experience has taught me one thing: never be scared to talk about things. Good relationships happen because there is good communication. If your gut tells you something is off, listen to your gut, always! 

I get the desire to avoid an argument, but that doesn't mean you cannot bring up the topic. Address is in a way that doesn't sound like you are accusing him of anything. I would perhaps just say that in recent months you got the sense that he doesn't want to introduce you to family and friends, and this makes you feel sad because you have made an effort to integrate him into your life and the lack of reciprocity makes you feel that he is not as committed to the relationship as you are. Talk about things from your perspective and how this makes you feel. Don't accuse him, but leave room for an open discussion and an honest dialogue. Invite him to be truly honest with you about how he feels about the relationship. Maybe this is the time to bring up where the relationship is heading: how does he envision the future, with you? 

I find that being honest and showing vulnerability has never a negative outcome in relationships. If anything, you might not get the answers that you are looking for, but you will at least get clarity and insight that will enable you to decide what you want, and where you stand, and whether or not you are comfortable continuing heading in the direction that he is steering things. 

[d0nnivain]

You should talk to your BF.  My husband was like this.  He assumed that because we were dating I knew I was automatically invited.  I explained I needed to be asked.  If your BF thinks like my DH, he may think you are blowing him off & not wanting to meet his people because you don't tag along.

[trident_2020]

Not understanding why it's so difficult for you to explain to him that you are getting an ambiguous message and you'd like him to clarify. Does HE want YOU to hang with his family and friends or not?

As per your post, his only response so far was "if you want to". Well it's not about what you want, it's about what he wants and he needs to be more clear.

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Lazypeople said:

We had been dating for almost a year. We only became official for 3-4 months.

He had been staying at my place 3-4 nights for 8 months. For the last 3 months, he had been basically living with me. He’s still staying with me today. 

Sorry this is happening. Where does he live? You're right it seems unbalanced. It may be best to have him stay there much less often. Since you say he's indecisive, it would be best to pull back on your investment. Talking is fine but actions are better. 

[smackie9]

Good lord just talk to him!!!!! Being passive aggressive with him IS NOT communicating about the issue here.