When a guy asks for space to work on his own issues- how long to wait?

[babybrowns]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There isn't really much more you can do. 

You apologized and clarified your intentions. He isn't on the same page right now. I would wager that he is indeed offended by some of the things you said, but that perhaps he's also started connecting with someone else and wants to see where that goes first. 

I therefore wouldn't give it time, per se. Don't put yourself on hold for him, in other words. If he gets in touch, great, but don't wait around in the meantime. 

Thanks for this insight. Even if he doesn’t want to pursue things, I do want to touch base and hear this from him though. I’d like the closure, I’m someone that prefers that rather than an open-ended uncertainty.

Also he did say that he doesn’t want to rule things out, just that he needs some space for now as he works on himself. If he responded to me with a firm “no”, ofcourse I wouldn’t still be wondering what my next step is.

Edited January 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for this insight. Even if he doesn’t want to pursue things, I do want to touch base and hear this from him though. I’d like the closure, I’m someone that prefers that rather than an open-ended uncertainty.

What is there to need closure from, exactly?

You've never met the guy. You didn't date. He's wishy-washy on meeting you now. You can make your own closure. 

[babybrowns]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is there to need closure from, exactly?

You've never met the guy. You didn't date. He's wishy-washy on meeting you now. You can make your own closure. 

In that he said to me last weekend that he was interested, during a deep and extensive talk. He then went silent during the week, other than reaching out to tell me it’s his birthday. But since then, I’m left wondering what’s going on. I’d rather have clarity. I’m not in a situation where he has said he doesn’t want anything more to do with me. Where I have the option of asking him where it’s at, I’d rather let myself have that closure.

I just want to do it at a point that’s neither too soon as to infiltrate his need for space, at the same time not too much in the distant future. When  I offered him space and he agreed it’s what he needs, I said to him “take as long as you need. when you’re ready to talk or something let me know ”.

I want to stick by this for as long as I can, and only want to pursue it if the initiating does come from his end. I’m just hoping that he does come forward, and the waiting is just making me question whether there is anything more I can do I guess

Edited January 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Fletch Lives]

Space is code for breakup...............he wants to breakup and you have not even met yet? This is way too much drama for somebody you don't know.

[babybrowns]

9 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Space is code for breakup...............he wants to breakup and you have not even met yet? This is way too much drama for somebody you don't know.

I think if he wanted to cut things off he would have made this clear. Instead he said he was interested during our big talk the day before this. And I was the one who suggested and asked if he’d like some space, an offer which he took.

[Fletch Lives]

I still say it's too many problems for somebody you have not even met and don't know if you are really attracted to yet. I think you are grasping at straws because you don't have a better prospect right now.

[babybrowns]

6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

I still say it's too many problems for somebody you have not even met and don't know if you are really attracted to yet. I think you are grasping at straws because you don't have a better prospect right now.

Sure, but as he said himself, I also feel that we do connect well. He said he feels that this has potential and it would be nice to see what happens. 

It was what made him still want to give things a go after all that happened- I didn’t expect him to even reply when I reached out.

And if the reason he’s distancing himself now is that he thinks I’m not all that attracted to him, which is as he said last weekend the thing that has “muddied the well for him”, I really want to convince him that I am because I am.

[elaine567]

Please stop making a nuisance of yourself.
He went silent on you. That is code for "I don't want to deal with you any longer."
Take the hint.

Who cares what you think? 
He has decided for you.
You suggested he needs space and he jumped at the chance, it gave him an out, can't you see that?

On 1/9/2021 at 6:42 AM, babybrowns said:

I think if he wanted to cut things off he would have made this clear.

He did, it is just that you are not listening.
 

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate remark.

[d0nnivain]

This is never going to work.  You didn't lose him.  You never had him.

When they want time to work on themselves it's a a modern version of it's not you, it's me.  They need all eternity to stay away from you.  Recognize that as a permanent disconnect especially when said early on. 

Don't chase. Don't wait.  Don't look back. 

[introverted1]

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would your culture be an issue for him? Anyway, it seems like you're incompatible and he just wants to end it.

It was her issue, not his:

14 hours ago, babybrowns said:

So what happened was,

It was to do with nationality. This guy comes from a country which has been notorious for not liking people from the country that I’m originally from. Since this guy and I started talking, I knew that I needed to end it somehow, but things were going so well that I just didn’t have an ‘out’.

Then height came up in our conversation; his pictures didn’t show how tall he was so I just asked him. This was after we had already been talking a while and our first date was planned for the next day. (He asked me about something related to the physical side of things so I asked him this from my side). 

It turned out that he was shorter than what I had put on my dating profile that I prefer in terms of height, and even though it wasn’t too big a dealbreaker for me, I used this as the excuse. The only excuse I could think of, to cut things off, as to avoid telling him the real reason- that it was his nationality. I tried to make it sound not so shallow by talking about experiences I had in the past with a couple of my ex boyfriends who were also just a little taller than me, eg once I got assaulted by a large guy in front of my ex who just stood there doing nothing.

BB, I echo what others have said here about being too invested in a guy you've never met. 

You were also pretty rude to him:  first accusing him of holding prejudiced views against people from your country, then of implying that he would allow you to be assaulted while he stood by and did nothing and correlating this to his height, no less.

It's no wonder he has gone cold. 

Edited January 9, 2021 by introverted1

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I think if he wanted to cut things off he would have made this clear. Instead he said he was interested during our big talk the day before this.

This is where the problem is. 

You are not so good at reading between the lines. His ensuing silence after your birthday message to him is your cue that he's not that interested in rekindling anything but doesn't have the courage to come out and say it. You can't expect blunt honesty from everyone. 

At best, he might keep you on standby in case other options don't work out, but you're not someone he's too excited about. I think there is  someone else that's captured his interest. 

[babybrowns]

What all of you are saying is making perfect sense. However if he does want it to end here, I do need the closure. It’ll help me to see that he truly doesn’t want anything, not just some temporary space, and then I can finally get rid of the nagging feeling and move on.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

What all of you are saying is making perfect sense. However if he does want it to end here, I do need the closure.

That isn't his problem though, BB. 

You need to do that for yourself. 

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

What all of you are saying is making perfect sense.

Whatever he said during the last conversation coupled with his ongoing silence IS the closure.  You are not going to get some flowery words wrapped up in a pretty bow to soothe your soul.  If he had that ability you two may have been able to work through things.   Closure comes from within.  It does not come from the other person. 

Tell yourself this is done.  There, it is closed.

Edited January 9, 2021 by d0nnivain

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for this insight. Even if he doesn’t want to pursue things, I do want to touch base and hear this from him though. I’d like the closure, I’m someone that prefers that rather than an open-ended uncertainty.

OLD must be really difficult for you - because, that is often what you get. 

He did actually give you closure in your last conversation - he heard what you had to say, and he told you that he was not interested. He hasn’t reached out since... that is your closure. 

Edited January 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I think if he wanted to cut things off he would have made this clear.

Has he contacted you since you last spoke? His silence is pretty clear...

Its time for you to move on. This was only one guy on OLD - sign on today and there will be others to contact. Why all this over one man that you have never met. 

Edited January 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

I fully understand that the situation isn’t looking too good. What I don’t understand is why he was open to talking about stuff last weekend and not now? If it is the case that he has “met” someone else which would be a bit of a quick turnover especially considering the lockdown, well it’s best that I know that rather than be left hanging when he said he does want to be friends and then see “if we still have that connection that had potential”

[d0nnivain]

Because those talks are uncomfortable.  He doesn't want to deal with your upset.  Silence is easier for him.

[BaileyB]

These talks are uncomfortable, it’s easier to offer a platitude like “let’s be friends” and then not contact you again...

Perhaps he reflected on your conversation and thought, this is more than I want to deal with... He has obviously decided to let it go... and you need to do the same. 

Again, he is nothing to you. You haven’t even met the man. If you were to pass him on the street, the appropriate thing to do would be to say hello and keep walking... Not to chase him down the street, asking why he never called you when he said he wanted to be friends... Let it go. 

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Because those talks are uncomfortable.  He doesn't want to deal with your upset.  Silence is easier for him.

Not really - he had a choice, to respond to me reaching out or to ignore it. I even gave him that choice in the apology message, saying that if I don’t get a response from him I’ll respect it and wish him all the best.

And he responded saying he was interested. Wanted to talk about things. Not me who suggested that- I was simply apologising- he said he wants to talk because we “did have potential”.

So I really don’t know what changed between then and now- I would rather hear it from him rather than live in the waiting/uncertainty/making assumptions, and the always unshakeable what-if.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

So I really don’t know what changed between then and now- I would rather hear it from him rather than live in the waiting/uncertainty/making assumptions, and the always unshakeable what-if.

Respectfully, you haven’t met the man. You don’t have a relationship with him. He does not owe you an explanation. 

if you choose to wait in uncertainty, making assumptions, that is YOUR decision. YOU have another choice, to respect his decision and let this go. 

[babybrowns]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

These talks are uncomfortable, it’s easier to offer a platitude like “let’s be friends” and then not contact you again...

Perhaps he reflected on your conversation and thought, this is more than I want to deal with... He has obviously decided to let it go... and you need to do the same. 

Again, he is nothing to you. You haven’t even met the man. If you were to pass him on the street, the appropriate thing to do would be to say hello and keep walking... Not to chase him down the street, asking why he never called you when he said he wanted to be friends... Let it go. 

Ofcourse that’s a possibility, you’re very right as always Bailey. 

But I’d rather hear it from him and know to take his number off my phone rather than keep waiting for a text when he didn’t say we’re not proceeding.
Will it hurt? Yes. Will it help me move on? Yes it will. This is why I would rather do it that way.

Thank you to all though, you have helped me to prepare for the worst when I was a little hopeful before haha. And yes I have learnt a lot from this, this new situation that I’ve never encountered!

[Timshel]

18 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I just feel though that since I am responsible for him going cold on me, that I can possibly try to fix it.

So what happened was,

It was to do with nationality. This guy comes from a country which has been notorious for not liking people from the country that I’m originally from. Since this guy and I started talking, I knew that I needed to end it somehow, but things were going so well that I just didn’t have an ‘out’.

It turned out that he was shorter than what I had put on my dating profile that I prefer in terms of height, and even though it wasn’t too big a dealbreaker for me, I used this as the excuse. The only excuse I could think of, to cut things off, as to avoid telling him the real reason- that it was his nationality.

Naturally he was livid and very upset.

 

 

I snipped a bit from your post, to narrow down the point. You used his height to dump him for the true reason of his nationality because you felt bad about his burn scars. Three things which a human has no control.

Now you want to 'fix' it? Leave him alone.

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So what changed between then and now?  Whatever it was (or is), it's not a worry for you anymore?  

Whatever your initial concern was still exists.

You still haven't answered this^.

Regardless of the outcome here, any man who becomes "livid" or gets "mad" at you (your words)  prior to ever even meeting you is not a man you should want to pursue. 

Also, it probably wasn't necessary to tell him the actual reason for your initial reluctance, in this case his nationality.  Or that he's too short for your liking or whatever you told him.  You do not need an "out." 

Too late for that here, but for next time when chatting intimately with a man before meeting and you don't wish to continue, simply tell him you're not comfortable with it anymore, or it's been great chatting and getting to know but don't wish to proceed further.  You're not obligated to give the actual reason.

Or, you can ghost which seems to be the norm these days.  Not something I wouid do, not after mentally connecting and interacting for awhile.  But many people believe it's acceptable.

If you change your mind later, you can always circle back. 

If he starts going off on you, then block and delete.  

It would appear this one is done bb, let it go and chalk it up to another lesson learned.

 

Edited January 9, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

I would like to provide the update that the man did reach out to me a few hours ago. He is still interested. I’m glad that I waited and that it did come from him, not me who initiated it.

So for anyone else in my position reading this, silence does not mean the end. 

Thank you all once again for your help.