When a guy asks for space to work on his own issues- how long to wait?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I would love some advice please.

Last month, I met a guy on OLD. Things were going well in the leadup to our first date, however the day before our first date I cut things off. He didn’t do anything wrong, it was just 2 things about him, which were totally unrelated to who he was: one being physical and the other more to do with his background, which made me scared to proceed. He got mad and asked me not to contact him anymore.

I regretted cutting things off with him. So I tentatively sent him a happy NY message with an apology included. I didn’t expect a reply. However he did reply, and said he did see potential in us pursuing something and that we did connect well. He reassured me about his background and how the original fears that I had were invalid.

The other reason that I broke things off with him though, the physical trait, was still bothering him, despite my efforts to dampen it down and claim that it was 99% the other reason that I ended things.

He still found it hard to see past it because, unbeknown to me he suffers from body image issues. Years ago he was involved in an accident involving fire and got burnt across his body, needed surgery and all. His burns are not that visible, but it gave him long-term body image issues. 

He thus said that rather than start over in the dating field, he wants to be friends first and “see if we still had the connection that we had before”. I accepted this and also said to him that I can give him space if he needs. He said yes some space would be good right now so that he can “work on his own insecurities”.

Later that week, he texted me to say it’s his birthday and how he’s sad that bars and stuff are closed, I wished him happy bday and also said “I wish I was there to give you a big birthday hug”. He didn’t reply to this, and that’s where things are at. This was 3 days ago.

I haven’t been in this situation before when a new man I’ve met has requested space. I am respecting his space and not contacting him. I am just wondering  though going forward, which is the best option:

a) To leave it indefinitely, and see if he reaches out

b) To reach out to him, and ask if he’s still interesting in having a talk/seeing how things go

I really want to go with option a) because I want him to talk to me only when *he* wants to, not when I want him to. I want to see that he does want something from this.

At the same time, I am a little worried about losing him, especially because I was the one who ended things initially and it is this reason which played into his body image insecurities and made him request this space in the first place. I want him to know that i AM very attracted to him!

Would really appreciate some advice. Thank you 

 

Edited February 18, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed identifying details

[Menara]

I have been doing this dating thing for quite a while now, and one thing that I learned is you cannot know how you will feel about a person before meeting them in person. 

You can sometimes establish a strong connection with someone only to meet them in person and not feel a spark at all. The other way is also true: I've met people in person after chatting only minimally to find myself positively surprised.

In your situation, before agonizing over this, I would find a way to meet in person. Simply tell him that you wish to meet in person to see if there is chemistry, and if there is, you can decide how to proceed from there (whether he still needs space etc.). 

So, my suggesting would be to reach out and ask him out on a date. Waiting around for him to reach out will drive you CRAZY. 

[introverted1]

a)

I don't think there is anything for you to do here.  Apparently you told him that some aspect of his physical appearance was unappealing to you and now you are wondering why he isn't sure he wants to pursue something with you.  Let him go find someone who can be all in.

[babybrowns]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

a)

I don't think there is anything for you to do here.  Apparently you told him that some aspect of his physical appearance was unappealing to you and now you are wondering why he isn't sure he wants to pursue something with you.  Let him go find someone who can be all in.

No it was not an ‘unappealing’ issue- but something else. I told him how I had past experience of this with previous ex partners which led to some issues from their side, so I was worried that the same would happen here if I were to proceed. But unfortunately he does see it as an attraction thing.

Do I regret saying it to him, 100%. But he did reply to my reaching-out message, and did express an interest in continuing something. And then he disappeared. That is why at the moment I’m not sure what to do.

Edited January 8, 2021 by babybrowns

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

No it was not an ‘unappealing’ issue- but something else. I told him how I had past experience of this with previous ex partners which led to some issues from their side, so I was worried that the same would happen here if I were to proceed. But unfortunately he does see it as an attraction thing.

 

Is it related to his burns? It's hard to give insight in a vacuum.

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

No it was not an ‘unappealing’ issue- but something else. I told him how I had past experience of this with previous ex partners which led to some issues from their side, so I was worried that the same would happen here if I were to proceed.

So what changed between then and now?  Whatever it was (or is), it's not a worry for you anymore?  

Whatever your initial concern was still exists.

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

Is this the guy that got angry with you when you made some comments about him?  I get the impression that what you said was very personal and really upset him.  Was it about his height, for example?  If you have doubts about someone physically and you expressed them, then it is up to him how he responds.  In this case he was angry.  If it is not something you can cope with, why mention it at all?

He does have a problem with whatever you said to him.  This may or may not be justified.  Anger and shouting is rarely justified even if you were offensive.  If you still like him, you could meet him (socially distanced) and see how you get on in person.  It sounds though that he is now lukewarm about the idea.  Why keep trying with the same person if you feel there are physical issues that you cannot cope with?

Whatever your feelings about it all, you do not have to wait and give him space if you are interested.  Waiting for him to deal with his issues is a ridiculous idea.  It just means he does not have confidence that you would accept him so he is keeping a distance.  You could maintain regular contact and see what happens.  Is there a point though if you doubt whether you can accept his physical limitations?

[ShyViolet]

I'm assuming that you have never actually met this guy in person and still never had that first date?  I don't know how you expect this guy to still be interested after there's been so much weirdness and so many problems between the two of you, and the first date hasn't even happened yet.  It makes sense that he wouldn't trust you and wouldn't be interested after you called it off and told him that there were "two things" that you had a problem with about him.  You should definitely just leave this guy alone.  If he decides that he is actually interested then he'll contact you.

[babybrowns]

34 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Is it related to his burns? It's hard to give insight in a vacuum.

No nothing at all to do with his burns 

[poppyfields]

Below is what you posted in your previous thread:

>>"However, this weekend we got into an argument over something silly. I started it because I was a little concerned over something. This argument unfortunately brought out his very worst side: namecalling, insults, general nastiness."

Why in the world would you want to meet him or any man after that?

Serious question.

 

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Below is what you posted in your previous thread:

>>"However, this weekend we got into an argument over something silly. I started it because I was a little concerned over something. This argument unfortunately brought out his very worst side: namecalling, insults, general nastiness."

Why in the world would you want to meet him or any man after that?

Serious question.

 

This is a different man. As I mentioned at the end of that thread you refer to, I’m not associating with that one anymore!

Edited January 8, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

This is a different man. As I mentioned at the end of that thread you refer to, I’m not associating with that one anymore!

Whew, glad to hear that!

You were concerned about something with that guy too (which prompted the argument), and now this guy.

Why not hold out for a guy you don't have concerns about?  A man you're actually excited to meet?  Or at the very least looking forward to meeting?

You're also being quite elusive, it's difficult to advise when provided so little context.  

 

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He thus said that rather than start over in the dating field, he wants to be friends first and “see if we still had the connection that we had before”. I accepted this and also said to him that I can give him space if he needs. He said yes some space would be good right now so that he can “work on his own insecurities”.

Later that week, he texted me to say it’s his birthday and how he’s sad that bars and stuff are closed, I wished him happy bday and also said “I wish I was there to give you a big birthday hug”. He didn’t reply to this, and that’s where things are at. This was 3 days ago.

I haven’t been in this situation before when a new man I’ve met has requested space. I am respecting his space and not contacting him. I am just wondering  though going forward, which is the best option:

a) To leave it indefinitely, and see if he reaches out

b) To reach out to him, and ask if he’s still interesting in having a talk/seeing how things go

Given the bolded? I'd go with Option A.

He doesn't sound overly interested in trying to rekindle things, so I would leave the ball in his court but not hold my breath. 

What was it about his background that led you to call it off? Maybe your concerns were legitimate? I am curious to hear what the physical issue was, and what you said to him. It may help us better contextualize his present reluctance to re-open the lines of communication. 

 

[caputo77]

What made you want to reach out to him again? I'm just confused why you would reject him for what sounds like valid reasons then suddenly change your mind and be chasing him and super into him now. It would make a little more sense if you had met in person and known each other longer, but you barely know him so it perplexes me a bit.

Is it possible you are just feeling lonely or having low success finding someone new? Those are the only reasons I can think of that would ever make me backtrack like that with someone I don't already have a long/emotional history with and I had already rejected. Sometimes it feels easier to go back to someone we already have something (however minor) established with vs. continue searching for someone new and better fitted for us. You have to watch out and be sure you're moving forwards and not backwards.

Honestly, he's probably being hesitant because he figures the same thing -- that you're bored/lonely and trying to use him as entertainment. I'm not trying to suggest that that IS what you're doing, I'm just saying that is how I would perceive it if I were him.

 I'd just move on and keep working on finding someone you're more compatible with. It seems to me that meeting in person would just be tense and awkward and likely wouldn't be a very fun first date anyway after all this.

[BaileyB]

I would give him as long as he needs... I wouldn’t pursue this further. 

If he is really interested, he can contact you and he can pursue you. Otherwise, I would respect that when he says he needs time to work out some personal issues, he’s not ready to be in a relationship right now. 

OP, this is exactly how you get yourself into situations with men, trying to build a relationship when they have told you they are not ready/not interested. Take that information as the truth that it is, and let it go... You want to spend your time on men who want to date/have a relationship with you, otherwise you are wasting your time here...

Edited January 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

I just feel though that since I am responsible for him going cold on me, that I can possibly try to fix it.

As some of you are asking about the specific reasons I had to cut things off initially, I will lay it out. I’m very ashamed and feel I have conducted this in a very shallow manner which is why I didn’t go into detail in my first post.

So what happened was,

It was to do with nationality. This guy comes from a country which has been notorious for not liking people from the country that I’m originally from. Since this guy and I started talking, I knew that I needed to end it somehow, but things were going so well that I just didn’t have an ‘out’.

Then height came up in our conversation; his pictures didn’t show how tall he was so I just asked him. This was after we had already been talking a while and our first date was planned for the next day. (He asked me about something related to the physical side of things so I asked him this from my side). 

It turned out that he was shorter than what I had put on my dating profile that I prefer in terms of height, and even though it wasn’t too big a dealbreaker for me, I used this as the excuse. The only excuse I could think of, to cut things off, as to avoid telling him the real reason- that it was his nationality. I tried to make it sound not so shallow by talking about experiences I had in the past with a couple of my ex boyfriends who were also just a little taller than me, eg once I got assaulted by a large guy in front of my ex who just stood there doing nothing.

I had never ever faced a situation like this before, having to end an association based on background, let alone make a guy think it was for such a ridiculously shallow reason like his height.

Naturally he was livid and very upset. Accused me of making character judgements based on height. Said I “touched on a very sore spot”. It was only afterwards that I found out he suffered from body image issues for years as a result of burns from his accident. It made me want to end his pain by finally confessing the truth to him the next day- the nationality thing and my fears about what his connections back home might think/ not approve of him dating me if we were to start something. I said I was sorry but it just couldn’t work between us. By this stage though he was so upset and frustrated with me for the ‘physical’ rejection the day before, that he just let me go and asked me to never contact me again.

Regretting losing him, since amidst all the guys I have met online I really did feel he stood out for me, I finally took the opportunity and reached out a week later, for NY.

What does give me hope is that he did say last week, that he was willing to give things another go. That he just needs to be friends first to see if we still have that connection that we did before things went south. So you see this is why I’m not that reluctant to make contact, since he did say all that just recently. Yes I want to respect his space but then there is a chance I’ll lose him forever based on something I was responsible for and could potentially fix. That’s the nagging feeling 

Edited January 8, 2021 by babybrowns

[spiderowl]

It seems it would be best if you were honest with guys, babybrowns.  They can take it, believe it or not.  At least then, if something does not work out you know exactly why and will have avoided trouble.  I see nothing wrong with asking him what he thinks about people with your nationality.  Just be honest with guys and if they get angry or annoyed as a result, then they are not right for you.

[BaileyB]

Babybrowns, you haven’t actually met this man, have you? 

We’ve had this discussion before, and kindly suggested that it’s not wise to become over-invested with a man that you have not met. When you talk about “being friends first to see if you still have the connection that you had before things went south...” and “there is a chance that you may lose him forever...” it makes me think you are really over invested in a man that YOU DO NOT KNOW!

There are so many single men you could date, you really don’t need to work this hard to make it work with a man who is lukewarm, at best. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 , which is the best option:

a) To leave it indefinitely, and see if he reaches out

A. Leave it and see if he reaches out.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

there is a chance I’ll lose him forever based on something I was responsible for and could potentially fix. That’s the nagging feeling 

There you go again, babybrowns. 

Over-invested in someone you don't know. 

 

[babybrowns]

I understand that I do get attached to people quickly, that might be the driving factor to my worries, but my concern here is really that I got myself into this situation by rejecting him back then and whether I can reverse it.

When I reached out to him last weekend, we spoke in depth, and he explained to me in detail how nobody in his family/friends are anti-my-background. He was the one who said we should be friends first and see if we still have that connection before things went south. He said to me last weekend that he does not want to rule out us dating. But that at the moment he just needs some space to work on his own insecurities.

It is for this that I am wondering how long to give it - if I lose him it’ll be because of me rejecting him in the first place, those factors are playing around in his mind and feeding into his deep insecurities. This is why I just feel I want to do something about it.

When we spoke last weekend I did try clearing it out for him on how I do find him very attractive, that I only used the height thing as an excuse to avoid hurting him with the nationality thing. Ofcourse he was very insulted that I made assumptions based on his background on how his family and friends wouldn’t approve of me, and said I should have just asked instead of point-blank walking away. I guess I have just seen and heard it too many times that people from his country don’t like people from my country, to risk liking someone who has grown up with those attitudes around him. But he did convince me well last weekend on how he is personally not like that and how his connections back home aren’t either.

He said to me last weekend that if I still feel worried about his family and friends not approving of my background, he’s not interested. But I told him that he has now managed to reassure me well.

I do really hope that he does reach out to me- things really were going well before I halted the progression last month. But, all these in-depth discussions that I’ve had with him about these heavy topics have helped me to really see who he is and it’s really drawn me in.

Edited January 9, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 he explained to me in detail how nobody in his family/friends are anti-my-background. 

What did he mean by this?

 

[babybrowns]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What did he mean by this?

 

As in, my concerns that his connections back home wouldn’t like where my family came from, were invalid in this case and didn’t relate to him at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

There isn't really much more you can do. 

You apologized and clarified your intentions. He isn't on the same page right now. I would wager that he is indeed offended by some of the things you said, but that perhaps he's also started connecting with someone else and wants to see where that goes first. 

I therefore wouldn't give it time, per se. Don't put yourself on hold for him, in other words. If he gets in touch, great, but don't wait around in the meantime. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, babybrowns said:

As in, my concerns that his connections back home wouldn’t like where my family came from, were invalid in this case and didn’t relate to him at all.

Why would your culture be an issue for him? Anyway, it seems like you're incompatible and he just wants to end it.